18 Civs; the Mongol Version

[Pacifist46]

KOLAI: AAH! Japanese lands! (starts foaming at the mouth and going wild)
GENGHIS: Someone bludgeon him unconscious before he breaks something!

Ialbuk does the honours

GENGHIS: Thank you. Yeah, the Japs have suddenly decided to leave their stupid little sacred island. I asked Tokugawa why, but he just told me to go headbutt a wall and I’d find out.
IALBUK: And did it work?
GENGHIS: Nope, not a thing – I mean, I’m not stupid Ialbuk, I know he’s just tricking me. And besides, we don’t even have Masonry.
ISHAK: What’s that bruise on your head man? It looks well awful.
GENGHIS: This? I, erm, got this from, erm, shaving.
IALBUK: I didn’t think you shaved. And your beard agrees with me.
GENGHIS: Look, guys, just shut up, right? You’re just asking a load of pointless questions.
ISHAK: OK. By the way, interesting name, Turfan.
GENGHIS: Yeah, I wanted to call it Turdfan (sniggers) but Griznakh said no-one would buy a yurt there if I did. So I shortened it.
IALBUK: I can see why. No-one would want to live in Turdfan, really sire.
GENGHIS: Oh come on, it is at the arse-end of the empire.
ISHAK: Where’s the good end?

After due deliberation, Genghis started to create two armies, in order to execute simultaneous attacks on both cities. Meanwhile, Open Borders was signed with the Russians, and a new king turned up on the edge of the Mongol lands . . .

 

[Pacifist46]

775BC

Genghis and the new King, Frederick of the Germans, have just completed a tour of Karakorum and are now in the council yurt studying maps.

FREDERICK: Wow! I can see that the Jewish gods must be righteous, as they have certainly blessed us with lands far superior to anywhere else.
GENGHIS: Well, Mongolia’s lands may suck, but at least it is larger and far more mighty than you. Just goes to show luck isn’t everything.
FREDERICK: Luck! Luck didn’t come into the equation, Genghis. You being the illiterate ruler of a heathen barbarian kingdom did. And that is why Germany will become supreme rulers of all the lands from the Nordsee to the Mongolsee.
GENGHIS: No chance will it. I plan to wipe you out way before that. I reckon you’ll just settle a few cities and then sit there, waiting for your death.
FREDERICK: Oh no. Not this time. Barbarians such as you lack the organisation to conquer anything.
GENGHIS: Ha! You’re certainly wrong there, cos’ we do organisation now. But tell me this: why does everyone we meet call us barbarians?
FREDERICK: Simple. It’s because you ARE. And leopards never change their spots.
GENGHIS: I see myself as more of a chameleon really. See ya Fred.

Frederick exits

GENGHIS: Bet he’s not flavour of the month with Sal. All these different religions! Is there any point to them?
GRIZNAKH: I will have you know, Genghis, that religion is a noble art of the utmost importance . . .
GENGHIS: Only use I see for it is a pretext to war.
KOLAI: Same here.
GRIZNAKH: That is because you are not in contact with your spiritual sides.
GENGHIS: If I ever had a spiritual side, he buggered off long ago. And anyway, he never sent me a postcard.

By this time, Genghis’ war preparations were nearly complete. Although Ialbuk had researched Agriculture, and just at this time concluded his research on Mathematics, which he assured Genghis would lead to improved weaponry in the near future, Genghis had no time to waste.

 

[Pacifist46]

750BC

Genghis and Ialbuk are down at Beshbalik docks, where the last ship is being readied.

GENGHIS: Ahoy! Shipmate!
SHIPMATE: Ahoy, Khan.
GENGHIS: I hear our ships are nearly ready.
SHIPMATE: Indeed. I just need a few more turns, I mean years, to work on this one, and then she’ll be seaworthy.
GENGHIS: Would it help if I got some slaves down here to work themselves to death?
SHIPMATE: Well . . .
GENGHIS: They’ll be here in an hour. Good work.

Genghis strides off, with Ialbuk at his side.

GENGHIS: Without many forests nearby, it’s taken too long to get my warriors ready. I’m very concerned that this isn’t going to work, Ialbuk.
IALBUK: Relax. The Japanese don’t suspect a thing.
GENGHIS: All the same, I just hope they forgot to build many troops. Instead, I hope they built lots of nice shiny wonders for me to repossess.

 

[Pacifist46]

The completion of the Mongol fleet was timely, as in just a few more years Kolai was able to assemble enough men in Beshbalik to fill them entirely. Genghis himself was of course on one of the ships, leading the invasion as it entered the Japanese realms.

 

[Pacifist46]

625BC

GENGHIS: Yes! DECLARE WAR!

 

[Pacifist46]

The Mongol fleet sails into Japanese lands to a cacophony of drums and trumpets, and the loud war cries of the Mongol axemen and swordsmen. The noise is so loud, Tokugawa is disturbed in his palace in Kyoto.

TOKUGAWA: What’s that bloody awful noise?
MINAMOTO: It’s your voice sire. Notice how it stops when you shut up.
TOKUGAWA: Not that noise, you idiot. Those random trumpets and drums . . . Are the neighbours having a rave again?
MINAMOTO: Oh, that, erm, that’s nothing to worry about, sire, just some random huge Mongol fleet that’s sailing to the east. Nothing major.
TOKUGAWA: What? (gets up and looks out of window) Now THAT is not good. It looks like they’re bound for us!

He runs to the door.

TOKUGAWA: I’ll go and rally the men. Us mighty Japanese shall not surrender our mighty city. We have more than enough men to hold out.
MINAMOTO: Right you are, sire.
TOKUGAWA: Oh, and prepare a boat to take us to Osaka, for when, I mean, just in case we lose.

The Mongol fleet landed on a hill south-west of Kyoto that evening. Genghis studied the city of Kyoto, deciding how best to take it.

GENGHIS: Man, Kyoto is one hell of a great city location. Look at all those resources!
KOLAI: Interesting as that is sire, it ain’t ours yet.
GENGHIS: Ah, yes. Well I have decided to dig a tunnel.
KOLAI: Are you sure? That’s fairly risky.
GENGHIS: I was thinking. They have two units of Protective Archers, as well as one unit of Axemen. Getting past those guys garrisoning the walls of Kyoto will be tough.
KOLAI: But there is no need for a tunnel. Our men will put them to the sword! Literally.
GENGHIS: But if we tunnel under the walls and pop out behind them like a sort of Mongol Surprise, we can slaughter them without high losses. That’s how it has to be done.
KOLAI: I still say it’s too risky.
GENGHIS: Well I’ve done it now so there. In fact, I started it ages ago. I plan to sit here yelling obscenities at them. Distraction techniques, you know.
KOLAI: I’ll join you in that. And I have something that will help.

He reaches into his pack, and brings out a jug of ale.

GENGHIS: Aha!

Genghis, Kolai, and a small band of warriors quickly became drunk on the ale, and were soon were standing on the very edge of effective archer range, shouting and hurling stones at the walls. The plan was working.

ARCHER: Ha! Hey, Naga, look at that! That’s the Mongols’ idea of an assault? We’ll crush them, won’t we?

There is no response

ARCHER: Naga?

He turns round, and sees Naga dead on the floor, and three large Mongol Swordsmen standing, their faces grim.

ARCHER: Bugger.

A few seconds later the archer’s body is slumped alongside his comrade’s.

The massacre of the Japanese garrison went on through the night. The Japanese were eventually able to offer some sort of organised resistance, but by then, they were too few. By morning, the city was Mongol, and Genghis was already on his way back to the mainland.

 

[Pacifist46]

550BC

The one remaining Japanese city, Osaka, was also quickly captured by a separate Mongol army, under the command of a charioteer general named William, and with this blow, Tokugawa was also killed, and the life of the Japanese empire came to an end.

GENGHIS: Congratulations, William, your attack on Osaka was brilliant.
KOLAI: I agree. Magnificent stuff.
WILLIAM: Thank’ee sire, I be most grateful for your honourable praise.
GENGHIS: You have proven yourself to be one of the Great Generals of your age, and in conquering the Japanese I believe you have earned yourself this title: William the Conqueror!
WILLIAM: It sounds very grand.
GENGHIS: So, William the Conqueror, I bestow upon your Chariot unit the equipment needed to become a Mobile Army Service Hospital Unit. From now on, your armies will suffer few casualties, even fewer than before under your great stewardship.
WILLIAM: It be my pleasure to accept your gifts, mighty Khan. Now, if you would so permit me, I would return to Osaka. There is more conquering to be done, a few barbarians and the like to be sorted out down there. Farewell.
GENGHIS: Farewell, William the Conqueror.

William exits

GENGHIS: So, the Japanese, gone! One more step towards a perfect world!
IALBUK: Indeed sire.
GENGHIS: So, what you working on these days, Ialbuk?
IALBUK: Well, you know you recently slashed my science budget, sire?
GENGHIS: Yeah, we’re heading for a bit off a recession again.
IALBUK: I thought I’d try and sort it out, you know.
GENGHIS: Ah, don’t waste your time. Our economy is strong enough to recover.
IALBUK: If you say so sire. It’s just . . .
GENGHIS: Just WHAT?

 

[DroopyTofu]

I didn't know you were doing another story! Just got caught up. Very nice. I think Ghengis is more intelligant and logical than Hatty and Monty. Never thought I'd say that...

 

[Pacifist46]

Thank you Droopy!
To be honest, I almost forgot I was, got sidetracked by Rome total war for ages. I'll try and do another part soon.

 

[Pacifist46]

V – Not Known For Their Economy​

IALBUK: It’s just our economy, frankly, sucks. At this rate, my science budget will end up so low that we’ll start forgetting things we already researched.
GENGHIS: Drama queen. You always have to go way over the top, don’t you?
ISHAK: Actually, sire, like, he does have a point. I went to buy a loaf yesterday, right, and get this! The price had gone up, and I hadn’t got enough money on me! But that, like, ain’t all. I went back to my yurt, like found some loose change, buggered off back, and the price had doubled again. Well crazy man!
IALBUK: I’m not surprised. Inflation is running at 11,000,000%, unemployment is like at 75%, and meanwhile, all you do is print more money so that you can import lobsters and wine for your birthday!
GRIZNAKH: I don’t see the problem with that.
GENGHIS: Yeah man, it’s quantitative easing. Ain’t got enough money in the Empire, no problem, just print some more!
IALBUK: Shrewd solution, with only one tiny side effect; our financial system is collapsing faster than we can print the damn money!
GENGHIS: Jeez. Maybe this is bad. Well I blame it on the West.
IALBUK: While you’re doing that, I’ll see what I can do about getting our economy back on track.
GENGHIS: Fine. This is rubbish. I bet you’re gonna say that I can’t have any more wars in the meantime either.
IALBUK: Definitely not!
GENGHIS: Come on, just one little war. To cheer me up.
IALBUK: How about you battle for control of your soldiers first. They don’t want to be paid in money worth less than the paper it’s printed on.

The financial crisis hit the Empire hard. While the downturn deepened, Genghis made the rounds of the other leaders, to see what he could get for the tech he already had. In Catherine, he found a willing trader . . .

 

[Pacifist46]

475BC​

Genghis is in crucial trade negotiations with the Russian Tsarina.

GENGHIS: Come on, Sardine. I need Archery as well.
CATHERINE: Absolutely not. And ‘ow dare you compare me to a feesh!

She reaches across the table and slaps Genghis around the face.

GENGHIS: Ow! That hurts!
CATHERINE: ‘Ow strange. You’re ‘urting in power too.
GENGHIS: Only because some tight-fisted loser won’t give me Archery.

He is slapped again.

CATHERINE: You never learn, barbarian.
GENGHIS: You should start learning some manners. You can’t just go around slapping the leader of the biggest empire in the known world.
CATHERINE: Ha! You, ze beegest empire in ze known vorld?
GENGHIS: I’m talking about the Mongol known world. Which only encompasses Mongolia.
CATHERINE: Ah, fair enough zen. So let’s finalise ze deal, and before you ask, you are NOT getting Archery.
GENGHIS: Selfish miser. OK, accepted.

 

[Pacifist46]

Genghis travels back to Karakorum

GENGHIS: Look what I managed to extract from Cathers’ grasp.
IALBUK: That helps a bit. Not hugely though. I’ll have a look through that technology though, I’m fascinated by it.
GENGHIS: Great. See ya.
Genghis turns to leave
ISHAK: Sire, you can’t go, there’s someone, like, wants to meet you.
GENGHIS: What type of person?

Just then, a short man, dressed in battle gear and with an olive branch on his head enters through the yurt door, accompanied by two servants.

SHORT MAN: Yo my man G! How goes it on the East-Side?
GENGHIS: Whatty what what? And who the hell are you?
ALEXANDER: The name’s Alex, but you can call me Big Al. Or just A-Man. I suppose it was kinda rude of me not ta introduce myself, y’know what I mean? But then I’m from a deprived background, so you’ll forgive me.
SERVANT: (hisses) His parents got divorced!
ALEXANDER: Grew up in da ghetto, man were them hard times. But I dragged myself up, through blood, sweat and tears, y’know what I mean.
GENGHIS: Right. So apart from “da ghetto”, where do you come from?
ALEXANDER: Yo, I proudly represent the empire of Greece, man. An’ I warn you, Greece is keen, and it’s lean, and it’s mean, and it’s also nean. So what is this place?
GENGHIS: Didn’t my advisors tell you?
ALEXANDER: Yeah man, but I got learning difficulties and that, give me a break.
GENGHIS: This is Karakorum. Ka - ra - kor - rum. And we’re in Mon . . .
ALEXANDER: Whoaa there G-Unit my man! I can’t take all this in!
GENGHIS: OK . . . so how about you go away and absorb all the information I gave you.
ALEXANDER: Great idea blood! Be seein’ ya!

Alexander swaggers out of the yurt, followed by his servants.

GENGHIS: Wow. What happened to Greece’s pool of philosophers and mathematicians? Why didn’t one of them take power?
IALBUK: Greece is very conscious about, ahem, equality.
GENGHIS: So?
IALBUK: So to appoint someone clever would have been discriminatory against all the people with learning disabilities. And apparently Alexander isn’t a bad fighter either.
GENGHIS: That’s stupid. Who ever heard of a country electing a leader just because he was strong, and not clever?
GRIZNAKH: Indeed, who ever would have thought it.
GENGHIS: So can I bugger off now?

And so, "normality" returned for a while. But not for long.

 

[Pacifist46]

400BC​

IALBUK: A new city? Great. Just what our economy really needs.
GENGHIS: Shut up Ialbuk. After all, I decided, us Mongols are not known for their economy. But we are known for our barbarous expanding tendencies. So I founded Ning-hsia. Get over it.
GRIZNAKH: And precisely why is it named Ning-sha or whatever?
GENGHIS: It’s an anagram of my name.
IALBUK: Really? I didn’t see that. That’s pretty . . . wait, I still don’t see it! How exactly is that an anagram of Genghis?
GENGHIS: Dur! You can’t even work out anagrams!
IALBUK: Well I maintain that Ning-hsia has eight letters as opposed to the seven in Genghis.
GENGHIS: Six. There’s only six letters in Gengis.
IALBUK: Plus, Genghis has an e in it.
GENGHIS: Get lost Ialbuk. I think I know how to spell my own name by now.
IALBUK: That’s part of the problem.

 

[Pacifist46]

ISHAK: Like, it’s only one city though dude, it ain’t gonna kill us.
GENGHIS: Ahem . . . that may not be all.
GRIZNAKH: What?
GENGHIS: I mean, we may have also usurped the barbarian kingdom of Zapotec into our empire as well, or I might be lying.
GRIZNAKH: If it’s false, that’s certainly quite an elaborate work of fiction.
IALBUK: Get real Griznakh, of course it’s true.
GENGHIS: Damn! Well, I don’t see what you lot are so depressed about. It’s gonna be an awesome city, just look at it.
KOLAI: It is important not to be seen as weak, and this will serve to strengthen our reputation.
IALBUK: Our reputation as a savage barbarian tribe bent on burning the world, yes.

The Mongol reputation for expansion grew at an even faster rate than the empire itself. Their reputation for technological advancements, though, was a joke.

 

[Pacifist46]

350BC​

Genghis is standing over a fire when Griznakh approaches

GRIZNAKH: Salutations, my lord. Cold this morning?
GENGHIS: What happened? Did we run out of food?
GRIZNAKH: Unfort . . . I mean, haha, that’s not all I do, and you know it. In fact, I wanted to ask a question, and it has absolutely nothing to do with food.
GENGHIS: Sure it has.
GRIZNAKH: Ham you – I mean, have you seen my copy of Machiavelli’s recent anthology anywhere around? I must have mislaid it, although I don’t see where – I’ve checked all the dining yurts and it hasn’t turned up.
GENGHIS: What’s his book about? Restaurants? Fine cheeses?
GRIZNAKH: Neither, it pains me to say. It’s about the comparative level of technology in all the different empires of the world. Oh, and there’s a wine stain on the cover.
GENGHIS: Oh, is about this big, and this thick? (gestures with hands)
GRIZNAKH: Yes! Exactly that size!
GENGHIS: Nope, I haven’t seen it. But all you need to know is that it said – I mean, Machiawhatsit contacted me to say that we were top. It’s all good.
GRIZNAKH: Oh. Well, I’d still like to read it, if you see it.
GENGHIS: Whatever.
GRIZNAKH: You know, something else just struck me as odd. Why are you standing over a fire when it’s the middle of July? It’s boiling.
GENGHIS: Oh, erm . . . my hands got cold. Just warming them. Now bugger off. You’re starting to annoy me.
GRIZNAKH: Fine.

Griznakh turns and walks away. Genghis turns again, wipes the sweat from his brow, and looks at where Machiavelli’s The Most Advanced Civilizations Of The World! is burning in the fire.

GENGHIS: Ha! No-one shall ever read that blasphemous book again!

To be continued . . .

 

[MotezumaMan]

Great Story. When is the next update

 

[Pacifist46]

Not for at least a few weeks I am afraid. Once again, I apologise, but it will be continued eventually. I don't normally undertake stuff I don't plan to finish, so . . .
I'm in the middle of exams at the moment, and so not much time to play, let alone write a story. Hopefully at the end of the month. But thanks for posting.

 

[eduhum]

It will be continued eventually.
Hopefully at the end of the month.

Of course

 

[Pacifist46]

Of course

Just for you, I might consider continuing this soon. I have a lot on my plate I'm afraid; didn't realise that A-levels were going to take up so much of my time. And now I have to go through the whole university application thing ...

However, I'm going to set myself another deadline: December 13th. I don't even care if no-one follows the story. And if I haven't posted an update by then, then anyone reading this has my permission to ... erm, let's see... Oh look, I've run out of room!

BTW: eduhum, if you read this, did you get my pm which I sent you like 6 months ago? Just wondering.

 

[Pacifist46]

Part V continued​

Still 350BC

A new leader arrives in Mongolia

STRANGER: Greetings from Caesar, barbarian loser. I’d offer you some salad, but I don’t do it with chunks of raw meat in.
GENGHIS: Not much of a cook then, are you?

Genghis is seated, looking up at the Roman leader.

GENGHIS: You can have a seat, you know.
CAESAR: What? Sit on something that has been sat on before by people of such a lesser race as yours?
GENGHIS: I guess you’re not going to be much of an ally then.
CAESAR: Ha! Ally? The imperium does not ally, it protects and conquers lesser states.
GENGHIS: And how does it treat superior regimes?
CAESAR: If we ever need to consider such a thing, which I highly doubt, I might just let you know.
GENGHIS: You better. So, do you want Open Borders?
CAESAR: Oh, fine.

The Mongolian leader proffers a piece of paper. Caesar goes to sign it, but his quill breaks as soon as it touches the paper.

CAESAR: Drat! Crappy barbarian paper. Anyone got a replacement quill?

The Roman courtiers shake their heads.

GENGHIS: I suppose you could use mine.
CAESAR: Don’t be so foolish. Jupiter knows what disease I could contract if I used a quill that touches barbarian skin on a daily basis.
GENGHIS: So what do you want to do then?
CAESAR: Well it looks like the only reasonable solution is to say no Open Borders for now. And I want some money to compensate for that quill your paper broke.
GENGHIS: Yeah, right, I’ll send it you. Now, aah, just go away.
CAESAR: What, you think I’m staying?

Caesar exits the yurt.

IALBUK: You know what? I’m beginning to think that our leader might just be the sanest leader in this crazy world.
GENGHIS: What do you mean, beginning to think? Oh, and how’s your stuff going on the economy? Have you sorted it out yet?
IALBUK: I’m working on it. It would help if you were interested.
GENGHIS: I am interested. I just asked you!
IALBUK: For the first time in 100 years!

Just then, the yurt door opens, revealing a flash of light. Into the gloom steps Asoka, the Indian King.

ASOKA: I hear you have economic problems.
GENGHIS: Who told you that?
ASOKA: Machiavelli. Or rather, his book. You weren’t too high on the list.
GRIZNAKH: Sire! You told me we were . . .
GENGHIS: Shut up Griznakh. Anyway, that book is totally fake; I don’t even remember Machiavelli visiting us.
IALBUK: Well, obviously he would have done it in secret, sire. He can’t afford for you to hide the true state of affairs from him.
GENGHIS: Ialbuk you fool, you’re giving us away. So have you come to gloat, cause if you have, there’s a nice spot in the mountains just a couple of leagues away. I like to call it the “Gloating Cliff”. You stand right on the edge and then gloat as long as you like. I’ll be standing at the bottom to watch you fa . . . I mean, so you can abuse me.
ASOKA: How touching. Actually I came to see if you wanted to get a bit of trade going.
GENGHIS: We have loads of trade! Tell him Ialbuk.
IALBUK: No we don’t sire.
GENGHIS: What? Why not?
IALBUK: Due to the fact that 99% of our national income comes from three main economic activities: prostitution, the army and dog-fighting. GENGHIS: Ha! I love dog-fighting!
IALBUK: Yes, well, whilst these industries are certainly booming, they don’t easily lend themselves to exporting.
GENGHIS: I see. So what do we export?
ISHAK: Ooh! I know Oggy tricked a foreigner out of some cash with his three-shell-monte trick the other day!
IALBUK: Yeah, I heard about that. Apart from that, no money came into the economy from abroad during the last year sire.
ASOKA: What a fascinating situation. Look, I hear you have a few sheep.
GENGHIS: Yeah, we have a couple of farms. What about it?
ASOKA: Well, the Indian empire, whilst abundant in other resources such as cow, lacks sheep.
GENGHIS: Ha! Loser! Sheep is well nice as well.
IALBUK: Sire! I think he is hinting very subtly that a trade might be possible here.
ASOKA: Indeed, if you provide India with sheep, we will provide you with an equal value of cows. This would be an ongoing deal.
GENGHIS: Hmm. Nice offer. Perhaps you could just sweeten the deal a little, if you know what I’m say . . .
IALBUK: Sire! We are not in a position to haggle! We accept your offer, King Asoka.
ASOKA: Man is it hard to help you guys sometimes.

Asoka exits.

GENGHIS: Ialbuk! How bloody dare you interrupt my bargaining!
IALBUK: Because frankly, it was more than fair as it was.
GRIZNAKH: I’m with Ialbuk on this one. Beef will be a nice change from mutton.
GENGHIS: What rubbish. You’ll probably just eat both for the same meal.
GRIZNAKH: I . . . well . . .
GENGHIS: Alright! I don’t especially care anyway. Now shut up and go away. Ialbuk, you better go and work on that economy problem, because frankly, all you’ve been doing is sitting around calculating bullcrap, whilst I’ve been negotiating trade deals.
IALBUK: You what?
GENGHIS: Go on! Meeting over.

The trade between Mongolia and India helped other businesses to grow as well. Inns opened on the road between the two countries, whilst cart manufacturing in the capital provided transport for the sheep. But was it the sign of a brighter future?