Q: how old were you when you found out?

“When first” is hard to say.

I know I tried to kill myself when I was 9 and was sent to a support group and individual therapy and I remember deciding then and there that I could never share my internal life with anyone. I remember being very very sad through much of high school, and can remember distinct moments in that time where I contemplated suicide. I feel very strongly that if I were born ten years later, I probably would have come out in high school or early college. I simply didn’t have the language to describe or explore how I felt. I knew the T in LGBT stood for transgender, but I didn’t know what that was or what it meant. The only word I had for “queer” at the time was “gay” (i.e. mlm), and, try as hard as I might, I just simply was not interested in men.

The first time I had conscious thoughts that I was trans or might be trans was at 23 or 24, but was just not ready to accept that part of myself at that point in my life. This was right around when emzie created the first ask a thread, and I remember it had a significant effect on me, positive and negative. I ultimately concluded that there was a great deal of fluidity to my gender, but that was true of everybody, and so I was “just” a cis man (which (1) lol, and (2) if only I had said that in that thread).

I was 28 when I finally accepted that I was trans and began transitioning socially.
 
Last edited:
Q: how old were you when you found out?
at around 11 is when i first started liking more fem clothing like tights and skinny jeans. then right after i turned 14 i had a friend tell me they were "genderfluid". I said "oh okay cool" and made a mental note to find out what the heck that meant cos it sounded weird. then when i looked it up on wikipedia later, i found the article for "transgender", and reading the intro paragraph i was struck with a feeling of "oh! thats me then! cool, i have a group im a part of!"
Furthermore @cfc; are you all male->female?

Disclaimer; sorry if I don’t use correct nomenclature here. *tiptoes*
im boy->girl->demigirl->"i cant be bothered anymore"->"whatevers funniest in any given moment"
in terms of biological sex, i was assigned male at birth. ive been on feminizing HRT for ~1.3 years and plan to get a salmacian (meaning "desiring a mixed genital set") surgery as soon as i can (pending health insurance bullhockey to get it covered and pre-op electrolysis). the specific surgery id be getting is a peritoneal pullthrough phallus-preserving vaginoplasty without orchiectomy. ill include an explanation in a spoiler tag
Spoiler ppt ppv w/o orchi :
basically, a neovagina would be created in the area between the scrotum and the anus (casually referred to as the "taint") using tissue from the peritoneum in the abdomen (which is "pullled through" to the neovagina). the phallus, testicles, and scrotum would all be preserved, contrasting with normal phallus-obliterating vaginoplasty. worth noting is that using the peritoneum to contsruct the neovagina has benefits over using the much more common penile inversion method with regards specifically to ability to self-lubricate, as well as downsides with regards to sensitivity
 
It's funny because for me realising this is very tied to my corporality and sexuality, and it was only after that that I realised how deep my discomfort was with the social mores and expectations that were being thrust on my by the category "man". Since age 10-12 I felt deeply alienated from my genitalia, I couldn't be sure whether by themselves or as symbolic of everything, but I lean on the first one. Gender thoughts weren't much of a thing because I was already the nerd weirdo in class, so it just made sense I didn't fit in with anyone.

It was only when I was 22 and in bed with someone that I had the most poweful sexual instinct of my life and I instantly recognised it could not be a cismasc instinct. That triggered me to look back in memory (like that time I thought "I wish I could be genderqueer, it is such a pity that I am cis") and search for help but I was studying abroad and couldn't really find any readily available help physically. It's worth noting that I set my CFC name to Johanna a year prior to this. People here addressed me as female because of my username and, after correcting everyone, I realised I missed it. Accidental social transition, lol.

It took me three years to finally open up and tell anyone about it and another year of building up courage and coming outs before starting on HRT, now in its third year. I have never been a fan of fem clothing, I'm actually pretty butch and I've kept most of my wardrobe intact save for the addition of more shapely trousers and a few summer blouses.
 
35 when I knew for certain, but before then I can't really point to an age and say that's when I first started to suspect. I did know from a young age, when I was around 6 and starting school, that I wasn't like the other boys and I did try to make friends with a girl, but I was too young to really know why (and this was the 90s so that would've made it near impossible for me to know). There were moments growing up when I thought to myself that it would make more sense if I was a girl, but I just felt I wasn't trying hard enough to be a boy. I guess it didn't help that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome from a young age so any feelings I have of being different and not fitting in I could just point to that. Entering an all boys school at 11 just made it worse.

When I entered my late teens that's when I really starting thinking that I would like to be female, but I never linked that to being transgender. I thought to be transgender you had to actively fight against your assigned gender at birth every single moment of your life. I didn't do that. If only I knew back then what the symptoms of gender dysphoria were actually like.

I was 17 when I actively started going on the internet. On one forum I was just acting how I wanted and one poster did think I was a girl until I corrected them. Then I started to feel like since no one can actually see me, I could act like a girl. That lasted until it made someone really angry. (On that same forum through private messages I was roleplaying with another person gender transformations and we always stayed female).

I don't know when I actually became aware of the term transgender, but when I saw more people in the few social places online I was in start to transition, I didn't want to ask them because I feared I would asked the wrong thing like it was something that anyone could have and not something trans people struggle and suffer through all their lives.

As for my offline life, that definitely wouldn't have helped.

It was only in the past year that I really started to question myself and when I finally became aware (or maybe finally admit to myself) that most people never question their gender, that's when I knew, I had to look into it.

As for thinking that transgender people had to suffer, I thought it was actively trying to resist against their assigned gender at birth, I didn't think of how else that would appear or how it would affect their lives. I always felt like I didn't belong, but as I got older it just became worse and I felt miserable all the time. After I left school my life collapsed. I was still in school when I started to have suicidal thoughts. Last year around my birthday I was feeling like I would not see the end of the year. The only way out was suicide. I don't know if I really would've gone through with it but when I found out that I'm transgender, it saved my life.
 
Is a transperson more likely to identify as trans, or as their new gender? Can/should it be both? I ask conceptionally that the "trans" state is one to embody, or simply to pass through as quickly as possible.. even if this could be a lifetime for some.
 
Is a transperson more likely to identify as trans, or as their new gender? Can/should it be both? I ask conceptionally that the "trans" state is one to embody, or simply to pass through as quickly as possible.. even if this could be a lifetime for some.

A really good question. I recently posted on another site (one that has self-selectable gender labels in profiles that include "MtF" and "F" among many others) about my own experience with this, and it addresses your question so precisely that I'm going to just copy/paste here:

Me said:
This morning I got rid of the black leather jacket I've worn for the last couple decades. It was getting pretty ragged, the left elbow worn from being rested on my car windowsill when driving, and a couple of the pockets having holes that allowed things (including hands) to slip into the lining. It was just due to be replaced, despite how perfectly it fit me, and oh by the way, I have a couple other jackets and coats now that are distinctly feminine and actually made for women. I realized today that the old leather jacket was for me a security blanket of sorts - worst came to worst, I could wear it if I still wanted to pass as a cisgender male for whatever reason.

I'm a trans woman, though. Early last year I stopped feeling shame about being transgender, though Imposter Syndrome about being a woman then loomed large. Over the past year, that sense of being an imposter has been gradually fading. Still not quite gone, but mostly so, and thank you to all my friends, acquaintances, and random others who have helped that by offering their own acceptance in big and little ways. As well, I'm now totally 'out', and legally with the US, my state, my former employers, my health insurance, my gender marker is an F, and my first name is Sharon.

And so, in addition to being trans, I'm a woman. Currently, folks seeing me or hearing me will mentally tag me as transgender almost instantly. I'm working on fixing that, but it takes time, money, energy, and persistence. Eventually it won't be instant tagging, and the percentage of people that tag me that way will gradually drop from 99% all the way to 1%, maybe someday even 0%. I'm not looking to get to that 0% point out of shame, but rather out of a desire to be treated the way I want, and to avoid both dysphoria and conflict with transphobic people.

So I'm getting rid of the jacket. And the "MtF" label. I'm trans, and I'll always be trans. But I'm also older, white, lesbian, asexual, agnostic, geeky, medium-sized, diplomatic, dominant, and female. Time to remove some lingering security blankets, and to remove the mental asterisk from the word 'female' in that description.

TLDR; I think initially upon egg-cracking we all tend to see "trans" as our primary identity, and socialize that way. But as our new presentation becomes and feels normal, we still understand ourselves to be trans, but it takes a backseat to our actual gender. To sort of borrow from somewhere else, "I am going from being a transgender woman, to a woman that happens to be transgender."
 
I identify equally as both, though if forced to chose (eg, separate "trans" and "woman" option on a poll) I'm a woman first and trans second.

If given "trans woman" as an option, unless I have specific reasons to not want to out myself as trans (vanishingly rare: I outed myself on the evening news in both official languages so me being trans is pretty much public information anyway), or unless I want to make a point that "trans woman" is a subcategory of "woman", not separate from it, I'll use that one as it covers both.

I won't use MTF becsuse I consider it wrong: I do not see M as ever having been an accurate representation of who I am.
 
Is a transperson more likely to identify as trans, or as their new gender? Can/should it be both? I ask conceptionally that the "trans" state is one to embody, or simply to pass through as quickly as possible.. even if this could be a lifetime for some.

So I’m just going to call attention to this when I see it, it’s not a knock on you, but the term is trans [space] person. Trans is an adjective which specifies a particular group of people, just like black people or Catholic people or gay people might. Making it one word implies that we are being cordoned off as a totality in a distinct and separate category. Which for us in particular is anxiety-inducing, as a lot of the hateful and harmful behavior done against us is premised on defining us as a distinct category, meriting separate (often dehumanizing) treatment. Not saying that’s what you’re doing, but for your erudition, when I see someone use transperson or transwoman as one word, I have to play the “is this a bigot or is this a well-meaning but ignorant person” game in my head, and I don’t like playing that game any more than I imagine you like me playing that game about you.

To answer the question: it depends! One of the biggest pieces of advice a lot of elder (as in been out longer) trans people give to the newly hatched is to not make your transness/transition your whole personality. This is because there will come a point in your transition (typically after a number of years) when you clear all the major milestones you’ve set out for yourself and all that remains is to live the rest of your life. This can leave you feeling empty or unmoored if you’ve spent those past years devoting your whole self to reaching that milestone.

Nevertheless, for a lot of trans people, the early stages, and the first year or two especially, are very much about celebrating your transness. I can’t speak for others, but for me I’d spent 28 years of my life living negatively. I was so afraid of being clocked, that I’d oriented my entire life, all my likes and dislikes, my goals, etc, around passing as a boy, choosing things based on what I perceived would arouse the least suspicion. Transness was really the first thing I had authentically chosen for myself, and that made me joyous in a way I’d never been before in my life. It was like I’d been trapped in a chest of toys, and everything suddenly had been violently tossed on the ground, and I had to sort out what *I* liked versus what “he” liked. This is of course a very terrifying process, especially for the people you’d built a life with while “he” was helming the ship. In those times, your transness is the light that keeps you moored. It’s the one sure thing you can cling to as the tornado rages around you, so a lot of people celebrate that. I did.

Eventually, things start to sort themselves out, and you reassemble your personality. At least for me that personality was pretty similar, I’m just a lot more emotionally honest and genuine, less insecure, much more sensitive, and comfortable in allowing myself to be sensitive. At this point my womanhood and my sexuality began to emerge, and their discovery began to take center stage. I remember playing Gone Home for the first time around this time (a year and change back), and I found it to be one of most affecting experiences I’ve ever had across any artistic medium. I started noticing and appreciating much more the nuances in storytelling and perspective when stories are told with a more feminine eye. I learned to be and feel much more comfortable and at home in women’s spaces, and to see things designated as “for/about women” as being *for/about me*.

I’ve mentioned before how the early early stage of coming out as trans is like the plot of the Matrix, where there’s the period through the second act where Neo understands intellectually that he’s in the Matrix, but doesn’t know it as a fact internal to the self. The third act is all about Neo developing this knowing, and culminates in the climax where he sees the world as code and can freely bend it however he sees fit. This analogizes to transness, where there’s a period where you’re out and understand intellectually you’re trans and there’s no going back, because denying that was actively killing you, but haven’t yet internalized that truth, until one day it just “clicks”. I found I had a similar process of self-internalization after that first click with finding my womanhood and my sexuality.

But as that second click comes into focus, for me at least, it doesn’t mean that my transness goes away. I really like being trans. I said upthread that when I first came out, my one wish was to press a button and become a cis woman. Even at the time I recognized this wish as a farce, evident in the way I would tie the wording of my desire into increasingly absurd and convoluted knots of “everything exactly as it is now, same personality, same life experiences, same people in my life, just woman.” One day that tension snapped snapped and I finally realized that that wish was just *me*. I already had it. My transness was intrinsic to and inextricable from the woman I wanted to be, and likewise my womanhood was intrinsically and inextricably linked to my transness. I already was a woman, and the life experiences, personality, and people in my life were precisely what had made me one.

So the answer to the question is yes and. Yes I am a woman AND trans. They are inextricably bound up in one another, in the same way that, say, jewishness and womanhood might be inextricably bound up for a Jewish woman. I could no more easily cast off my transness as I could cast off my womanhood.
 
Last edited:
I can’t speak for others, but for me I’d spent 28 years of my life living negatively. I was so afraid of being clocked, that I’d oriented my entire life, all my likes and dislikes, my goals, etc, around passing as a boy, choosing things based on what I perceived would arouse the least suspicion. Transness was really the first thing I had authentically chosen for myself, and that made me joyous in a way I’d never been before in my life. It was like I’d been trapped in a chest of toys, and everything suddenly had been violently tossed on the ground, and I had to sort out what *I* liked versus what “he” liked. This is of course a very terrifying process, especially for the people you’d built a life with through him. In those times, your transness is the light that keeps you moored. It’s the one sure thing you can cling to as the tornado rages around you, so a lot of people celebrate that. I did.
I've definitely been noticing that. I've felt at least since I was a teenager that there were things I was supposed to like and things that I shouldn't like but want to like. It may seem odd given that I'm a furry but after coming out as trans I started collecting cuddly animals. It's something that I've always wanted to do but felt like I shouldn't because it's 'girly'. That's not the only thing and as I would find out there were ways around it that can keep it hidden (like choosing a cuter character as a favourite in a franchise that's made for boys). I've also started to notice that there were certain things that I do like but never knew really why until I started to look at them through my own awareness of being trans.
 
I've also started to notice that there were certain things that I do like but never knew really why until I started to look at them through my own awareness of being trans.

Oooo yeah, that’s a fun category of things. Profoundly meaningful to me, completely inscrutable to my partner.

You should have seen her face when I rewatched Spirited Away for the first time in nearly twenty years and was a sobbing mess for most of it.
 
Is a transperson more likely to identify as trans, or as their new gender? Can/should it be both? I ask conceptionally that the "trans" state is one to embody, or simply to pass through as quickly as possible.. even if this could be a lifetime for some.
as a nonbinary trans person i think i might have a unique perspective here. i intuitively want to say that i identify moreso as trans, but that might just be because there isnt really such a thing as "my new gender" in my case specifically. for what im about to say ill define "trans" as "identifying with a gender other than the one that one was assigned based on biological sex". going from point A (gender associated with one's sex) to point B (the other binary gender) is only one way of being trans, one that at first i assumed i wanted since i knew i didnt like it in point A (manhood, for me). but as i settled into point B (womanhood, for me) i realized i still felt a sort of unease, and that it wasnt just that i disliked manhood specifically, but rather gender as a whole. i just dont personally care for engaging in that system of identification the way most people engage with it, i dont like saying "im a man" or "im a woman" and people changing how they treat me or think of me, even when those changes are purely aesthetic (different pronouns, different sets of adjectives, etc). im trans in the sense that i started at point A, and ended up somewhere very different from point A, but where i ended up is just sorta "nowhere". like i started playing candyland, but halfway thru i took my piece off the board and walked away.
if i were to instead define "trans" as "anything other than identifying solely with the gender one was assigned based on ones biological sex" (which i think is a better definition), then i think im definitely trans and will always be unless someone pays me approximately 17 bajillion gazillion dollars to identify solely as a man. its definitely not a state i want to pass through as quickly as possible, and although i dont seek to embody "transness" for its own sake, "transness" is descriptive of what i do seek to embody which is "not really much of anything, unless i can make a good joke out of it"
 
Last edited:
A very thought provoking response @fy00sh thank you for sharing it.
 
as a nonbinary trans person i think i might have a unique perspective here. i intuitively want to say that i identify moreso as trans, but that might just be because there isnt really such a thing as "my new gender" in my case specifically. for what im about to say ill define "trans" as "identifying with a gender other than the one that one was assigned based on biological sex". going from point A (gender associated with one's sex) to point B (the other binary gender) is only one way of being trans, one that at first i assumed i wanted since i knew i didnt like it in point A (manhood, for me). but as i settled into point B (womanhood, for me) i realized i still felt a sort of unease, and that it wasnt just that i disliked manhood specifically, but rather gender as a whole. i just dont personally care for engaging in that system of identification the way most people engage with it, i dont like saying "im a man" or "im a woman" and people changing how they treat me or think of me, even when those changes are purely aesthetic (different pronouns, different sets of adjectives, etc). im trans in the sense that i started at point A, and ended up somewhere very different from point A, but where i ended up is just sorta "nowhere". like i started playing candyland, but halfway thru i took my piece off the board and walked away.
if i were to instead define "trans" as "anything other than identifying solely with the gender one was assigned based on ones biological sex" (which i think is a better definition), then i think im definitely trans and will always be unless someone pays me approximately 17 bajillion gazillion dollars to identify solely as a man. its definitely not a state i want to pass through as quickly as possible, and although i dont seek to embody "transness" for its own sake, "transness" is descriptive of what i do seek to embody which is "not really much of anything, unless i can make a good joke out of it"
As a fellow NB, pretty much this. I do have a feminine preference as a way to avoid identification with that starting point but as I started my transition and considered where I wanted to go I realised I wasn't going to be happy in a binary womanhood either.

I did at one point theorise transness as a flux state, with the caveat that you cannot really get rid of it at the end. Actually I think it was non-binariness. As trans people, we break the gender binary automatically. Visible trans people are socially non-binary insofar as their flux state situates them outside the socially accepted gender binary, and one can navigate that by either closong the gap towards the opposite end of the binary than they started or by choosing to remain in the uncertain gender soup that lies inbetween, around, and beyond it.

I choose the uncertain gender soup.
 
So I’m just going to call attention to this when I see it, it’s not a knock on you, but the term is trans [space] person. Trans is an adjective which specifies a particular group of people, just like black people or Catholic people or gay people might. Making it one word implies that we are being cordoned off as a totality in a distinct and separate category.
That is very useful information - thanks for pointing it out. I always try to use the terms "black people" or "Jewish people" or etc. when discussing such topics, & I notice when people say "the blacks" or "the Jews" instead - it stands out. I'll attempt to modify how I refer to "trans people" - I didn't even realize I was doing that in my head until I read what you wrote.
 
That is very useful information - thanks for pointing it out. I always try to use the terms "black people" or "Jewish people" or etc. when discussing such topics, & I notice when people say "the blacks" or "the Jews" instead - it stands out. I'll attempt to modify how I refer to "trans people" - I didn't even realize I was doing that in my head until I read what you wrote.
My teacher in HS explained it to a friend of my mine that "the [group]" sounds like saying "those people" and that stuck with me.


Getting back on topic, how safe do y'all feel as trans folks in your Neighborhood/Town/City? Have you ever been harassed on that account? What can be down to address something like that at the local level?
 
Twofer.

1. Have you seen Sense8
2. If s how accurate was the trans portrayal?

If you haven't seen it nevermind/derp.
 
My teacher in HS explained it to a friend of my mine that "the [group]" sounds like saying "those people" and that stuck with me.


Getting back on topic, how safe do y'all feel as trans folks in your Neighborhood/Town/City? Have you ever been harassed on that account? What can be down to address something like that at the local level?

I live in a very small town - not quite suburban, but not quite rural - that went ~60% Trump in 2020. But it is in very purple New Hampshire. I feel safe, for a few different reasons. For one, I'm a reasonably fit 53 and built like a short NFL linebacker - old enough to not come across as a threat to men but young enough to still be physically capable - I'm not an obvious target for either bashing or sexual assault. For another, I'm typically carrying a concealed pistol and very competent in its use, and sometimes pepper spray or a taser as well (especially if I'm going somewhere likely to have fascholes around looking for trouble). For another, and I realize this isn't a good reason to feel safe, I've never (yet!) experienced any harassment. I'm reasonably certain there are people staring or snickering or making nasty comments or whatever, but they manage to stay out of my sight/hearing, and lord knows I'm not trying to be aware of them. My level of privilege hasn't actually changed much, day to day. I'm still a white upper-middle-class not-disabled (what's the better word for that?) neurotypical navy vet with no mental health issues. I'm unbelievably lucky to have the life I do, and yeah gender dysphoria sucks ass, but even my transitioning (so far) feels like I've somehow stumbled into playing through all of this in god mode. I try to use my privilege to help in specific ways available to me more than most, usually via upending stereotypes people maintain in their heads.

What can be done to address it on a local level? People are going to be dicks about the next thing they don't like, and though no individual will admit to being whipped up by marketing or media, trans folk are the next scapegoat in line. Legal protections at the state and federal level matter. Vote accordingly. And individually, be an ally. As much of one that you can reasonably be. Even if it is just giving a nasty look to someone making a stupid transphobic comment at the grocery store. Most people, finding out their opinion is fairly unpopular, tend to start keeping it to themselves.
 
I live in a very small town - not quite suburban, but not quite rural - that went ~60% Trump in 2020. But it is in very purple New Hampshire. I feel safe, for a few different reasons. For one, I'm a reasonably fit 53 and built like a short NFL linebacker - old enough to not come across as a threat to men but young enough to still be physically capable - I'm not an obvious target for either bashing or sexual assault. For another, I'm typically carrying a concealed pistol and very competent in its use, and sometimes pepper spray or a taser as well (especially if I'm going somewhere likely to have fascholes around looking for trouble). For another, and I realize this isn't a good reason to feel safe, I've never (yet!) experienced any harassment. I'm reasonably certain there are people staring or snickering or making nasty comments or whatever, but they manage to stay out of my sight/hearing, and lord knows I'm not trying to be aware of them. My level of privilege hasn't actually changed much, day to day. I'm still a white upper-middle-class not-disabled (what's the better word for that?) neurotypical navy vet with no mental health issues. I'm unbelievably lucky to have the life I do, and yeah gender dysphoria sucks ass, but even my transitioning (so far) feels like I've somehow stumbled into playing through all of this in god mode. I try to use my privilege to help in specific ways available to me more than most, usually via upending stereotypes people maintain in their heads.

What can be done to address it on a local level? People are going to be dicks about the next thing they don't like, and though no individual will admit to being whipped up by marketing or media, trans folk are the next scapegoat in line. Legal protections at the state and federal level matter. Vote accordingly. And individually, be an ally. As much of one that you can reasonably be. Even if it is just giving a nasty look to someone making a stupid transphobic comment at the grocery store. Most people, finding out their opinion is fairly unpopular, tend to start keeping it to themselves.

We're not legally allowed to carry pepper spray.

I'm built like a ruby player though 6' with facial scarring from youthful stupidity so tend to get left alone. My teeth went through my lip leaving a scar.

Kinda shocked at Americans casually telling me what they carry or own to feel safe. Friends in Houston casually menton owning AR15 and they're Mexican liberal democrats not your stereotypical southern gun owners.
 
Top Bottom