Moscow Times
Belorussians Repatriated to Glorious Russian Federation
The elimination of the unjust and ill-begotten Belorussian state has finally been completed by the Russian Federation's powerful and fearful armies. Following the official defeat and dissolution of the forces of the separate Belorussian government the 20th Guards Army and the 58th Army began a great military parade through Minsk, ending at Victory Square, where general Sergei Mettler made a great speech commemorating the historic reunion of Russia and Belarus. Predictably, there was much cheering, fanfare and celebration as the forces moved through the city. The esteemed general was not available for comment, but one of his aides assured us that the establishment of government and order in Belarus is well underway. Reporters spoke to several soldiers in the service of the Russian government and people, who were overjoyed to live to see the day that Belarus, a rightful member of the Russian Federation, was returned to the fold. The prodigal child has come home, and Russia could not be more pleased. President Mikhail Yilenekov generously addressed the concerns of political leaders that the militarily-supported return of Belarus to its rightful place in the Russian nation was by no means unnecessary or overly-violent. Deaths and wreckage were minimal, despite the protestations of foreign pigdog news outlets, and the people of Belarus are already enjoying their new-found freedoms as citizens of the Federation.
United States, Mexico Declare War on Cuba
The United States of America and the United States of Mexico have declared war on Cuba, citing the seizure of the American base Guantanamo Bay and the ineffectual nature of Cuban government and authority, as well as atrocities wrought by the Cuban government on its own citizens. Officials of the government in Moscow were not available for comment on the matter, but general opinion is that the United States has taken one step forward and one step back. Mexico appears to be gladly following American leadership into what appears to be an ultimately fruitless conflict, that will only lead to the suffering of the Cuban people and unnecessary bloodshed. The establishment of any long-term, democratic regime in the troubled region seems even more doubtful after the proposition of American-led military violence against the current Cuban government, and American President Powers, even with the movement of American politicians towards greater influence in the region, seems unwilling to enforce law and order in Cuba except as the benefactor of another ineffectual sovereign. Reporters were able to interview Russian tourists on their way out of the country, who uniformly declared their lack of confidence in America's ability to maintain or create order, and their love of glorious, just and noble Russia.
National Confidence, Love, Loyalty, etc: Highest Ever
The Bureau of Statistics released a report this week with findings that the Russian people have never been more pleased and confident in the leadership of their government. Surveyed populations reported a great feeling of respect and admiration for President Yilenekov, as well as pride in the power of the glorious Russian armed forces. Furthermore, the Russian people came out in great support of Russia's membership in the Triple Alliance and its position as a signatory of the Moscow-Tokyo Pact. Natalya Olenoff of St. Petersburg was interviewed and quoted as, We love the President, and we love our soldiers. There is no country on Earth greater than the Russian Federation, but we'd settle for its allies as close seconds. Truly a glorious time to be Russian. One man from Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky registered a complaint that the government was not tough enough on foreign pigdogs who did not love Russia as its own people did.
In other news, Russian tourists registered dislike of other countries, cited as not being Russian enough.
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