there was nothing to be sad about
an excerpt from a book
..."My world ended long ago. Humanity as I knew it had ceased to exist, and now disappeared without a single trace. The gods they believed in died, and the Churches were raised to be their tombs. After a while, chaos turned back into order, and all became quiet. All I can do now is to dream, for I am so, so tired..."
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a story of a lensmaker
She made lenses when she was alone at night, refining the designs and adding new innovations when she could. Business was good, and her days were filled with meetings, handling new orders, and planning expansions for the workshop to spend on innovative design process. The kids fresh off of college that she hired to help were good, but she wasn't content with being just a manager in the workshop. She was a designer before, and she continued her work still.
Her desk was littered with letters, postcards, and thank you notes--from military officials and soldiers at the front, giving credit to her inventions for various battles, engagements, lives saved, enemies killed. She had... mixed feelings about these letters. She disliked war. She disliked losses She made scopes, sights, and lenses for war, but glass, mirrors, and lenses were her passion. She felt pride when she handled her product and inventions. Her purpose may have been misplaced but the work was something that she could be happy with.
She had to live. Her dreams were filled with bodies of dying men lying in the open because none could work up the courage to walk on the streets, but she had to live, and her work was her life.
There was nothing to be sad about.
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an excerpt from a book (cont...)
...I used to have a sister, when I was a child. I don't quite remember her anymore--perhaps I was too little to understand, or perhaps I simply blocked out her memories. Her name was Sibylle, a few years my senior.
My mother used to speak about her a lot--back when she was talking at all--how clever and pretty she looked with her little red ribbons and green dresses. She told me about how she would've looked like with her pretty head of gold-red hair, and smart school dress for the private schools reserved for the nobility. She'd tell me about how smart she would be, or how she would be popular and charismatic with her schoolmates. She would tell me all these stories no matter how good my grades got or how much it started to hurt whenever she mentioned her.
Eventually though, she stopped talking about her. She also stopped talking at all. She stopped walking around the house and then she stopped eating by herself. Her life just came to a standstill, with her staring out the windows with vacant eyes. Doctors did not understand why--there appeared to be nothing physically wrong with her. I was just teenager by this time. I sat by her side in the bedroom, watching her waste away like a wilting flower, and I remember feeling... a strange sense of joy and calm. No longer will I need to listen to stories of just how much better Sibylle was at everything. No longer will mother torment me with her passive aggressive suggestion of how I should have been the one to die. No longer... but then I stop myself and turn away. What were these thoughts. How could I think of my own mother like this? How could I-
That was when I saw her for the first time. Sibylle leaned across my shoulders from behind, her face in a grimace of a strict disciplinarian and her school uniforms perfectly arranged. She was everything my mother described. "How could you?" she whispered. "How dare you think of mother this way!" She drew her hand back and struck me across the cheek.
The maid found me alone with mother a few minutes later, nursing my reddened cheek. Apparently I had been striking myself. The family doctor gave me worried, pitiful glances as he confirmed there was nothing wrong with me too. I did not tell him about Sibylle, even as she berated me through the family doctor's confusing suggestions for aiding my ailment. "...Sometimes, during a period of great change or loss, in this case your puberty and your mother's sickness..." "How could you let yourself be seen like this to your servants?" Sibylle hissed. "Weak, pathetic, mentally ill! To be seen so broken in front others!" "It'll most likely pass with ti-" "Sit straight! You are a nobleman. Act like one!"
"So ah," the doctor said. "It's a silly question considering the circumstances you are in, but it's just a formality. Have you had unusually depressive or even suicidal thoughts recently?" he asked.
"No sir," I replied. "There's nothing to be sad about."
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an excerpt from a review of a book...
...Twilight of the Gods, named after a Richard Wagner work, is a melancholic work of fiction inspired by the author's own life, detailing feelings of loss in its various incarnations, whether it be feelings of loss of loved ones or loss of stability in a rapidly changing situation, all told through the viewpoint of a nobleman suffering from either hallucination or spirit of her long dead sibling. The narrative, as told through the first person perspective of a possibly delusional or haunted man, is filled with metaphorical allegories and author's perceptions of modern day problems in today's German Federation.
The twilight, or the downfall, of the gods referred to in the title can refer to the relatively rapid breakdown of the old order of Europe established after the fall of Napoleon. Downfall of monarchies in Russia and Northern Germany, as well as in France and Spain, has shaken the faith that people held in the old institutions of the Church, the Kings, and the Aristocracy over the course of the last century. 'Gods,' therefore were the people's faith in these institutions and rulers that they would last forevermore in the times to come. In other sense, the downfall of the gods is also loss of faith in other things. Faith in a friend, faith in families, faith in society, faith in fellowships, all of these are themes explored in the Twillight of the Gods, as it follows the life of Siegfried....
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An excerpt from a book
...the surgical scar on my chest was obtained when I was a child, the butler explained to me. The day when Sibylle died. There was a carriage accident. Sibylle and I were both dying, and there was nothing that could be done, until a doctor suggested an experimental treatment. Allotransplantation, the doctor explained to Father and Mother. He could take organs from others, preferably close relatives, of similar size and age and transplant them into me to replace my failing organs. The procedure was, of course, highly illegal, as the donor would likely either be dead or severely handicapped afterwards. It just so happened, however, that Sibylle was struck in the head in the accident, and was deemed unlikely to wake up. I was growing faster than she was anyways, and were of similar size and height even though she was few years my senior.
The doctor suggested that he salvage Sibylle's wreckage to harvest the things necessary to save me. Mother wanted none of it. She always did favor Sibylle, even that far back in the past. Father, however, had never wanted a girl. The estate could not afford another dowry and, even if it could, he never could spare enough attention for two children anyways. One boy to carry on the family legacy was enough. Mother objected, and was overruled. The surgery would go ahead.
"All those accusing glances mother threw at you," Sibylle whispered to me. "All those disgusted looks from her. How do you feel now, that you understand why she did so?"
"Leave me alone," I answered back. The butler tilted his head. "I'm sorry, milord?"
"I can't leave you alone, you idiot!" Sibylle hissed. "I'm literally a part of you! You are breathing through my lungs, my veins carry the blood to your heart. You owe everything you are to me!"
"I said leave me alone!" I screamed. The butler bowed and hurriedly walked out. "No," she said. "You owe me your life, so I will have you live it to your full." She came fully into my view, with her perfectly arranged clothes and hair, holding stacks of textbooks that I had neglected recently. Red ribbon adorned her clothes' collar, wrapping around her long thin neck that I wished I could simply reach out to wring. "We can start here," she whispered. "There's no need to be sad. Stick with me, and I will make you great..."
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a story of a detective
There were stacks of cold case files and 'resolved' cases with strange discrepancies on her desk, scattered alongside mugs of coffee and empty cans of fish and coffee beans. There were boards along the walls of the cramped office, with pictures and newspaper clippings of Hamburg notables lining the walls, all connected to each other with pins and strings. There was a sidearm, not secured and lying openly, on the table. The office was hardly up to standards demanded by the Landespolizei, but she was an outcast among the police in Hamburg. Her office was not even located within the police office to start with. It was located at a tiny room above a cafe downtown, rented out using her own funds and limited support she received from the few friends she had left within the Foreign Office.
Said friends sometimes visited her during her work, trying to convince her to return to the Foreign Office, to aid in their operations beyond Germany. That, being of mixed blood, this office was as far as she would get in normal line of advancement. She rebuffed them. There was something she had to resolve in Hamburg, and she refused to leave until it was settled. Her decision may have been against her own interests, but it was something she nevertheless had to complete. Not everything was, after all, reasonable.
In a particularly bad day, she missed her friends. She dreamed of speaking Chinese, Japanese, and Korean in the far east. She dreamed of mocking surprised agents with a perfect grasp of German, French, and English. These were not regrets. She refused to let herself feel regret--she had felt it when she left her work here in this city unfinished during her first tour overseas.
No, she had no regrets here. She had to find him, and bring him to justice for what he's done to her and her mother. There was nothing to regret. There was no reason to be sad.
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An excerpt from a book
...the medicine silenced her voice, if only for a little while. Sibylle's disappointed, disapproving face and her locks of gold-red hair disappeared, replaced slowly by a dark haired girl in a modest dress. Henrietta. I had saved her years ago from a public humiliation when her dress was stolen after the school mandated swimming class, by loaning her my spare pants from my locker. She, taken off guard by this display of pointless charity, spent the rest of the year accusing me of lustful perversions and carving insults to me on the walls. After graduating primary schools and entering into the academy, however, we had gotten much closer.
"Did you get it?" she whispered conspiratorially. I nodded and handed her my notes, containing my observations on other students in the school as well as any evidence I could collect to corroborate them. "Thank you," she said. "This will serve well."
It was classic Henrietta, collecting blackmail materials on people she would gossip and drink coffee with in the afternoon. She claimed it made her feel safer. During primary school, where she was mocked for being of 'failed nobility' in a school reserved for the aristocratic and the successful, she may have had a point. In the Academies where there were much better targets for the gangs of elite to strike out against--scholarship children from the lower classes, for instance, it served little purpose. She had no need of it anymore after all.
She had learned, during the years in primary school under 'intense pressure' by her classmates and parents, how to behave like a 'proper lady.' Her dress was modest, yet fashionable. Her academic performance was beyond refute. She socialized with her classmates and gossiped, taking care to avoid mentioning any topics of importance like politics or independent opinions when in the presence of other aristocratic children.
Even Sibylle, who berated me harshly when I loaned my pants to her and gloated at her 'ungrateful' behavior afterwards, was reluctantly silenced by Henrietta's growth into a proper 'society' lady, albeit a completely cynical blackmailer, in such a short period of time. Nowadays with the ways she surrounded herself with useless trappings of modern day life in the Federation--newest subscriptions to whatever women's and scientific magazines, moderately fanciful dress from Pomeralia, and my little useless notebook containing all the evidence and observation I collected on the systematic and organized torture on a scholarship child from the Rhinelands--one could never guess that people used to steal her clothes and spread gossip about her just over a year ago.
Another student walked by our clandestine meeting in the stairwell, and Henrietta pretended to be engrossed in a women's magazine--something that I knew for certain she never actually read in much detail, just as much as I knew for certain that the little black notebook containing all the evidence we needed to expose the culprits of another boy's torment would never see any adult's eyes. "Listen," Henrietta hissed, either apparently noticing my expression or to herself. "It could be us next time. We have to protect ourselves first and foremost. Isn't that right, partner?"
I nodded. "Look into my eyes and say it. What's happening out there... what you've seen and wrote down... it's not your fault, okay?"
I looked in her eyes, but all I could see was the terrified eyes of a boy around my age as other children cornered him at a stairwell, mocking him for letting his hair grow out because he was either too busy or too poor to visit a barber, or maybe because he had nobody in the family to cut hair for him here in the academy. All I could think of was how our eyes met, just for an instance, as he looked beyond the shoulders of his tormentors to look for anyone to save him from his plight and saw me. I looked away. "Yeah," I told her. "It's not my fault."
Henrietta looked unconvinced. "Well, don't look so sad then. There's no reason to be sad."
continued later.