Escaping from solitary, or how to make friends as an adult

[Timsup2nothin]

so what is it that makes people more approachable than others? what is the human element that makes a contact not just a one-nightorday-stand, but makes people remember you, message you, call you out of the blue? that I want to know.

The obvious answer is contact information. I get in interesting conversations all the time, but any kind of exchange of information for future contact is a very rare event.

 

[rah]

In my book, true friends don't keep ledgers and are forgiven without apologies.
Which is why true friends are not plentiful.

 

[MaryKB]

so what is it that makes people more approachable than others? what is the human element that makes a contact not just a one-nightorday-stand, but makes people remember you, message you, call you out of the blue? that I want to know.

What do you do when you are friendly and approachable, and people seem to like you, but no one ever seems to want to go further? Like you'll talk to someone, and they'll say "Oh yes we must have tea sometime!", but "sometime" ends up being "never", how do you get there, if I'm making sense?

 

[yung.carl.jung]

But once you get into your 20s you lose more friends each year than you gain, typically, and sometimes you might never know why. That's the hard part. It feels like starting around age 25 it's a massive uphill battle to not just gain connections but even maintain them.

meh. I was relatively popular in high school, but honestly never considered more than like 5 or 6 people to really be friends, so I didn't lose many. a ton of acquaintances, like holy moly, so many, but all of that faded away. and I'm thankful for it. those people I didn't rly share anything with besides being in the same place at the same time. all those friends from back then.. I've kept every single one.

What do you do when you are friendly and approachable, and people seem to like you, but no one ever seems to want to go further? Like you'll talk to someone, and they'll say "Oh yes we must have tea sometime!", but "sometime" ends up being "never", how do you get there, if I'm making sense?

that's the story if literally every adult interaction. if they don't make the effort, they're most likely not worth it

The obvious answer is contact information. I get in interesting conversations all the time, but any kind of exchange of information for future contact is a very rare event.

i meant more the human element. today you can just facebook any name and have a 90% propability that they'll show up.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

i meant more the human element. today you can just facebook any name and have a 90% propability that they'll show up.

How often do "meet on the street" interesting conversations include a last name that you remember afterwards?

 

[yung.carl.jung]

How often do "meet on the street" interesting conversations include a last name that you remember afterwards?

I'm more of a first-name and phone-number exchange kinda person, but yeah this stuff is supposed to happen. though I imagine kids nowadays don't share full names, but rather their instragram acronym

 

[Birdjaguar]

...so what is it that makes people more approachable than others? what is the human element that makes a contact not just a one-nightorday-stand, but makes people remember you, message you, call you out of the blue? that I want to know.

The obvious answer is contact information. I get in interesting conversations all the time, but any kind of exchange of information for future contact is a very rare event.

What do you do when you are friendly and approachable, and people seem to like you, but no one ever seems to want to go further? Like you'll talk to someone, and they'll say "Oh yes we must have tea sometime!", but "sometime" ends up being "never", how do you get there, if I'm making sense?

I think that there is a spectrum of connection that has "falling in love" on one end and "I need to stay away" on the other. For most people the indifferent middle ground is where we end up, but when our connection to a person is on the love side, we know almost instantly that the person has the potential to be a friend or more. (This does not really apply to adolescents for obvious reasons.) How and why do we notice such connections? Magic? Karma? Body odor? Dark matter? Genetics? Astrology? Coincidence? It's to be determined I think, but the realization of connections to others is a real thing no matter to what you attribute it.

 

[Hygro]

Okay you guys I’m the king of making new friends but I also have the normal introverted proclivities as well so I understand the equation.

You have to hit people up individually repeatedly and they have to meet up with you.

It doesn’t matter the activity though the more freeform (like drinking/smoking/meeting girls wingman style (the best bro builder)) ultimately the better.

Your group stuff is cool but let’s face it you can sit next to a guy in class and lunch for years but you aren’t really friends until you kick it.

You literally have to just hang out with people.

 

[rah]

Competing with or against has always worked for me. At least you're guaranteed to have one thing in common.

 

[Cutlass]

I enjoy talking too you Cutlass.

If you give up looking for friends people like your coworker will assume that you do not want to be their friends. Maybe they will assume that you are too busy with other people they do not know about.

I appreciate that. Thing is, I do try to make an effort to be sociable and available to talk, and friendly. But it just doesn't work.

 

[Silurian]

Maybe talk rather than be available too talk.

Here I agree with most of what you post but not all so I am less likely too "talk"

 

[Bootstoots]

Thanks for all the responses, everyone! No time to fully respond now, but keep 'em coming.

 

[warpus]

Some ideas below. I might be repeating ideas already mentioned

1. Join a co-ed rec sports team of some sort. We have a social club here targeted at adults with this exact problem (how do you meet people?). They organize a variety of team sport leagues, for a variety of skill levels. In the rec league that I played in most people were ok, but the skill level ranged quite a bit. Most people are there to be social and get some exercise in, so it's slightly competitive due to the format, but overall welcoming to newcomers of all skill levels. I've met a bunch of people and made friends via this method, usually playing indoor or outdoor soccer, but you could do volleyball, softball, basketball, etc.

2. Join a club. If you like to read, join a book club. If you like to hike, look up local groups and join an outdoors group. Clubs like that are usually welcoming even if you've never done the activity before. I joined a University's outdoors club once to do a portgaging trip with my sister and a whole bunch of other people. I wasn't associated with the university at all and they let me join and go on the trip. We spent 3 days/nights canoeing and carrying canoes around in very remote terrain, camping on islands, etc. Had to work together to stay safe, it was a very bonding-like experience. Probably lots of similar activities out there for you to sign up for, depending on where you live.

3. Check online communities for "Meetup" posts. There used to be an annual reddit meetup here and still might exist. Go out, meet random people, see if you click with any of them. Check local forums or social media. People might be out there looking for an extra board game player, extra player for a soccer game, there might be people advertising group hikes to a popular nearby trail.. Do some searches and see what sort of social activities people are advertising.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

What do you do when you are friendly and approachable, and people seem to like you, but no one ever seems to want to go further? Like you'll talk to someone, and they'll say "Oh yes we must have tea sometime!", but "sometime" ends up being "never", how do you get there, if I'm making sense?

It could be that they are just not that interested in hanging out and being social in general, or are busy with their own families or whatever. If so there's probably nothing you can do to make yourself more "appealing" because the issue isn't with you at all.

 

[really]

OP you are probably a bit young for it but an organisation called Mens Sheds started in Australia and is spreading with the goal of getting mostly older isolated or inactive men together working on projects in a communal shed. The idea is that men have traditionally socialised while working and this gives a place to do it. It doesn't seem to be big in the US yet.
http://usmenssheds.org/home-page/

 

[Lexicus]

I have no advice. The only friends I've made since moving to where I currently live, where I started with essentially no social life whatever, was by having the good luck to get a couple of really cool coworkers (who are dear friends, and one is probably my best friend now, but they are also 10+ years older than me).

I've also made friends here on CFC of course.

I've been thinking about joining a swim team or doing some kind of meetup thing or something but no idea if that would yield any real friendships rather than just acquaintances.

 

[rah]

All good friends start out as acquaintances.

 

[FriendlyFire]

Thanks for all the responses, everyone! No time to fully respond now, but keep 'em coming.

Also getting a pet.
Having a cat or dog is a great form of therapy in on themselves, just make sure you house train them while they are still young, read up on how to take care of them online as there's plenty of good advice do some research before buying.
Taking them out for walks to parks or public areas, or exercise lets you meet other like minded pet owners.

Also please keep in mind the cost involved, food, bed, etc

 

[Phrossack]

Also getting a pet.
Having a cat or dog is a great form of therapy in on themselves, just make sure you house train them while they are still young, read up on how to take care of them online as there's plenty of good advice do some research before buying.
Taking them out for walks to parks or public areas, or exercise lets you meet other like minded pet owners.

Also please keep in mind the cost involved, food, bed, etc

As a single guy looking to meet women, getting a cute puppy has helped me pick up tons of hot poop

 

[yung.carl.jung]

All good friends start out as acquaintances.

some start as out enemies, some as lovers