Escaping from solitary, or how to make friends as an adult

[Dekker]

I've totally been in your situation you're describing, one time I was successful and my next time I was not.

I have no friends in Michigan, even as I'm friendly with many people here, I just don't know how to become friends with people even as I'm always really nice and helpful. I'm always there for people, but I end up just getting used for favors and such. I've also found most women my age seem to be mothers, at least almost everyone I've met, and they're friends with other mothers from their children's schools and such, and don't seem to be interested in a mid-thirties single woman joining their activities. And I also struggle finding other women who share my interests (science fiction, computer games), it doesn't help I'm very introverted, and I think everyone else who shares my demographic and interests probably stays at home mostly, lol. One of my biggest reasons for coming and joining here is because I was struggling so badly to make friendships.

I was only 22 years old when I moved to Georgia, and I made plenty of friends down there! I made some friends at work, and also at my church, but things just seemed easier for me then, you know? I did a lot of volunteering and I made so many friends that way, especially when I was working at my church doing educational activities. Most of my friends were married, but they didn't have any children yet, so I think that really made a big difference, I was more interesting then and I could relate more to people my age. Sadly I've lost contact with pretty much everyone, and deleting my facebook account really didn't help with that.

I hope you have good look Bootstoots!

I can relate to this, deleted facebook and lost touch with many more casual acquintances, not interested in sports so hard to bond with most guys I'm around, still single so much less hanging out with the now coupled, and still trying to figure out just what my interests really are. I have Civ 6 but rarely play it, but like you came here for the company because I have fond memories being a lurker back when I was into Civ 2 and 3, and though too shy to participate felt like I really got to know some of old former regulars who great people like the famous namesake of Fiftychat, Perfection and his blend of high intelligence and wit, Skadistic's dry humour, good to see JollyRoger hasn't changed if not just mellowed a bit and El Machinae who inspired me with his hopefull views of immortality in space still does so today when it comes to helping others. But I namedrop some of these obscure names because if I was active I could've probably made some good online friendships here and didn't, so like you I'm also posting here now to build that company because there's great people here!

 

[Timsup2nothin]

I dunno if it's a generational difference or what, but I've found people to be extremely reluctant to ever ask for help. One of my best friends recently wrecked herself playing ultimate, and I had to basically wrestle her car keys away to be able to shuttle her car home from the field parking lot while she was at the hospital.

That's not generational, that's typical. "Be available when they call" starts at showing up to play ultimate in the first place. What you do in a crisis is the gravy. My friend who was in jail that time would have sat there in jail and never called anyone...in fact that is exactly what he did. Most people are loathe to acknowledge that they need any help, ever.

Another critical part of being a friend and knowing who your friends are is being very conscious of that loathing yourself. I ask people for help, frequently even though I don't really need it. People like to help their friends, and it's useful to know who is who before the chips are really down. When you know you have friends, and what they are willing and capable to do, you get to take more risks in life.

Nah as many of your tales are even before your forties, and I know myself at least can't look back with as many enthralling yarns, would definitely love to have a beer with you

I'm easy to find, if you are ever going to be in Southern California give me a shout. More lead time is better, as for some reason I'm still a busy guy even though I don't do anything in particular.

 

[rah]

Another critical part of being a friend and knowing who your friends are is being very conscious of that loathing yourself. I ask people for help, frequently even though I don't really need it. People like to help their friends, and it's useful to know who is who before the chips are really down. When you know you have friends, and what they are willing and capable to do, you get to take more risks in life.

Yeah, a good friend will bail you out of jail.
But your best friend will be sitting next to you there saying, "Man, that was awesome"

I made a lot of good friends on the golf course.

 

[Zelig]

That's not generational, that's typical. "Be available when they call" starts at showing up to play ultimate in the first place. What you do in a crisis is the gravy. My friend who was in jail that time would have sat there in jail and never called anyone...in fact that is exactly what he did. Most people are loathe to acknowledge that they need any help, ever.

Another critical part of being a friend and knowing who your friends are is being very conscious of that loathing yourself. I ask people for help, frequently even though I don't really need it. People like to help their friends, and it's useful to know who is who before the chips are really down. When you know you have friends, and what they are willing and capable to do, you get to take more risks in life.

Actually, to expound on this with another anecdote - one place where people don't have a problem asking for help are during the various backpacking/climbing/mountaineering activities I do. Communication of any potential problems is critical, to avoid situations where everyone has been keeping quiet about some small problems, and suddenly something happens, and all your small problems balloon into a big problem.

 

[The_J]

I just have a lot of mileage.

na, some people can have boring lifes at the same age.
And even if so: does it matter what the source is ?

 

[innonimatu]

Let's suppose you're in the following situation. You're on your own in a place where you barely know anyone. You graduated from college a while back, and while you still keep in touch with a few of them, all your friends from college and before have scattered to the winds and live far away. You have a job, but you have practically no social life otherwise.

How do you find things to do, meet people, and develop new friendships? Where do you look to maximize the chance that you will find people who have enough in common with you that socializing feels rewarding?

There are some generic answers (e.g. volunteer, join a club, go to bars), but I want to hear some more detail from people who have managed to find new friends and activities in new places. What worked for you and what didn't? How long did it take before you developed enough connections to keep loneliness at bay?

Depends on your age. Easier to make friends when you are younger. When people settle into having families they also have less time to spend meeting someone new. And less necessity. The obvious answer is to seek out other people who are new in the place you are in. They are more likely to be also looking for new friends, more disposed towards meeting new people.

Unfortunately the internet seems to have emptied somewhat the traditional venues for meeting new people, bars or clubs. People spent too much time onlile, less on those places. And online is not conductive to making new friends. Sometimes you find interesting people but they are too far away.

If you are so inclined, and there are many who are not, travel alone and meet other people also traveling. You can do that in organized group trips trough travel agencies, I do not mean you should get yourself alone in the road. Though that may work there are very few people who pull that off, and those usually do not have problems of loneliness.

 

[Farm Boy]

A church of a non crazy denomination, if you pitch in and drink the coffee. Could always look for sporting clays to soothe the explosion itch.

Need a sponsor for a Lions Club? They're probably all old, but they have social circles and families and the events are attended by even more people. Once you get the initial circle laid down, it gets easier. I always found bars to be wretched unless you were already bringing a couple more people or one really close one.

 

[Cutlass]

I've essentially just quit trying. I can't make it work, and I really never could. I've been here 11 years, and yet I really hardly ever find anyone who wants to talk to me. I just stay here because every place else is worse.

I've been at my current work location for 3 years. Just these past few weeks have I had the first out of work contact with any coworkers. Guy said he didn't expect me to show up. I don't dislike anyone currently working there. I don't speak much to some of them, but I try to talk to many of them. They just don't think of me as friendly.

 

[yung.carl.jung]

it's hard. like even when you meet the right people, there's this feeling I can't shake..

 

[Birdjaguar]

Nah as many of your tales are even before your forties, and I know myself at least can't look back with as many enthralling yarns, would definitely love to have a beer with you

As Tim said, get to SoCal and and have lunch with him. It's worth the effort.

 

[sophie]

I relocated last year, and I've successfully made plenty of new friends. I did so through:

College, which is ~joining a club
Bars, particularly bars with trivia nights
Tinder
Neighbors/Roommates

 

[Birdjaguar]

I relocated last year, and I've successfully made plenty of new friends. I did so through:

College, which is ~joining a club
Bars, particularly bars with trivia nights
Tinder
Neighbors/Roommates

Yeah, but good looking women who smoke cigarettes and wear caps never have trouble making new friends.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

Yeah, but good looking women who smoke cigarettes and wear caps never have trouble making new friends.

Whereas fat drunken bees have to do it on pure personality.

 

[Akka]

My opinion is that, in the end, it mostly happens due to personality/charisma, and all the advices are more about giving occasions than about making occasions work.
I know jerks who have a lot of friends, or none. I know nice people who have none, or lots. It's certainly easier to get along with people who are nice than with jerks, but it's not a hard and fast rule.

From my experience, I've noticed that there is just this "thing" which makes you happy to spend time with some people and not really interested to spend time with others, and everything else is just rationalizing it ("well, he's funny", "well, he's just such a sweet guy", whatever). The exact same sort of behaviour that will make a certain person look fun and the heart of a party, will make another look boorish and annoyingly overwhelming. The exact same sort of behaviour that will make someone looks cold and unrelatable, will make another look reliable and unassuming.
Not sure from where the difference comes, and how much we can affect it consciously, but I think that it's much more out of our hands than we might prefer to believe.

 

[Silurian]

I've essentially just quit trying. I can't make it work, and I really never could. I've been here 11 years, and yet I really hardly ever find anyone who wants to talk to me. I just stay here because every place else is worse.

I've been at my current work location for 3 years. Just these past few weeks have I had the first out of work contact with any coworkers. Guy said he didn't expect me to show up. I don't dislike anyone currently working there. I don't speak much to some of them, but I try to talk to many of them. They just don't think of me as friendly.

I enjoy talking too you Cutlass.

If you give up looking for friends people like your coworker will assume that you do not want to be their friends. Maybe they will assume that you are too busy with other people they do not know about.

 

[Morty]

I think most people have covered my suggestions already but here's my tuppence-wroth.

I moved from my home town to the north east of England for looooove many many years ago, and when that relationship breaks down it's very easy to find yourself as a fully grown adult alone in a strange area. As a geek/nerd/whatever I found the net to be a helpful place. The forum I used a number of years ago seems to have shuffled off its mortal coil but it was basically similarly minded people looking to make new friends/acquaintances - so we did cinema trips, beach trips, etc.

it's then up to you as an individual to take those meeting opportunities and develop friendships out of them - that's easier said than done for some people but at least it can help get that awkward "how do I introduce myself to a complete stranger" moment out of the way!!

EDIT: I guess it was a much, much smaller version of meetup.com which I hadn't heard of until I started reading this thread!

 

[metalhead]

I'm gonna be that guy and suggest a church. However depending on where you are, you might struggle to find one where there are more than a couple regulars under the age of 70.

Based on my observations, it's really hard once you get to an age where peers are preoccupied with children. Children are a time suck and make it very hard to make real friends. I barely have time for the friends I've got, let alone time to make new ones. New people I meet are parents of kids in my kids' day care, and our relationship is based on our kids being friends, not any mutual interests.

People my age who do not have kids seem to continually stay in the social scene of the twenty/thirtysomethings, cycling through casual friends as those people enter and then subsequently leave the milieu of single life.

 

[Live trash can]

That said, I can count way more lost connections than made ones. I've had multiple people just ghost/disappear on me, whether as friends or partners, and it's just hard as an adult if you don't work at a place conducive to it, which I guess is important too. Most of my high school friends I actually made working at McDonalds, and my fiancée has some friends at work.

I have been ghosted as well. So I thought of this, from my own experience: there might be something in you that people react to. Of which you are not aware. It's probably not your own fault either - but something that has changed in you or developed gradually. Snuck upon you, so to speak.

This might not be right, but if it is, you need to find out this so that you can change it! So in order to find out about this, you might need to experiment a little! And be patient with yourself!

 

[yung.carl.jung]

My opinion is that, in the end, it mostly happens due to personality/charisma, and all the advices are more about giving occasions than about making occasions work.
I know jerks who have a lot of friends, or none. I know nice people who have none, or lots. It's certainly easier to get along with people who are nice than with jerks, but it's not a hard and fast rule.

From my experience, I've noticed that there is just this "thing" which makes you happy to spend time with some people and not really interested to spend time with others, and everything else is just rationalizing it ("well, he's funny", "well, he's just such a sweet guy", whatever). The exact same sort of behaviour that will make a certain person look fun and the heart of a party, will make another look boorish and annoyingly overwhelming. The exact same sort of behaviour that will make someone looks cold and unrelatable, will make another look reliable and unassuming.
Not sure from where the difference comes, and how much we can affect it consciously, but I think that it's much more out of our hands than we might prefer to believe.

yeah, this rings mostly true. especially agree with your bit about post-rationalization. some thing we cannot really comprehend, like how important smell and hormone levels are for a relationship/friendship, all those small details we're not really consciously aware of.

but even more important than charisma I think is "approachability". I'm the type of person random people just start talking to for no reason at all. I meet new people on the train, in public restrooms, waiting in a doctor's office.. it just happens.

met a syrian guy and helped him out with his train directions. he repaid me by taking my portrait, with a pencil in a moving train. just as a gift. these kind of stories repeat themselves a lot for me. it's beautiful, but I cannot pinpoint what exactly it is about me. I smile a lot. I am conscious of my body language. I shower obviously, that's not all there is to it, right? I feel like it is a lot about opening up yourself, making yourself vulnerable, exposing yourself (not literally), starting a conversation with something the other person cares about, asking the right kind of questions, making your conversation partner feel important, giving them just the right amount of validation while simultaneously not being a bootlicker. especially in male-2-male relationships this is hard.

so what is it that makes people more approachable than others? what is the human element that makes a contact not just a one-nightorday-stand, but makes people remember you, message you, call you out of the blue? that I want to know.

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

I have been ghosted as well. So I thought of this, from my own experience: there might be something in you that people react to. Of which you are not aware. It's probably not your own fault either - but something that has changed in you or developed gradually. Snuck upon you, so to speak.

This might not be right, but if it is, you need to find out this so that you can change it! So in order to find out about this, you might need to experiment a little! And be patient with yourself!

To be honest a lot of it was anxiety or stress on their part. Someone just dropping off when we had a movie date and were very new to each other I understand, but someone I had known for months disappeared during last year's holidays. They apologized profusely, said I wasn't the only one they were leaving hanging, then their father died unexpectedly, and that was it. They've reached out to me 3 times since to apologize and offered to hang out, but then never responded when I'd give them a time frame.

I do know I disappeared from people back in my late teens when I was super depressed, so I get it. But once you get into your 20s you lose more friends each year than you gain, typically, and sometimes you might never know why. That's the hard part. It feels like starting around age 25 it's a massive uphill battle to not just gain connections but even maintain them.