Before we go any farther, I hope all of you realize that this is a piece of fiction. I love to write, but don't get the opportunity very often. The way The President orders your namesakes around isn't the way that I'm asking you for help.
I hope that none of you are offended.
*****
LOCATION: The War Room secretly located somewhere in Washington, D.C..
THOSE PRESENT: President E626 and his War Generals Marsden, CommandoBob, and AutomatedTeller. A squad of Pikemen guard the room. General Idiot, after asking his questions, has sat down in a seat behind General CommandoBob. Another General enters the room, whispers something in General Marsden’s ear, and sits down behind him.
*****
The President speaks.
“Hmm . . . General Idiot, was it?”
General Idiot stands, and replies, “Yes, sir, Mr. President.”
“Your questions border on treason. Are you suggesting that our glorious forces would fail?”
General Idiot stammers a bit, and says, “N-No, Sir! I’m not suggesting that at all! I’m merely suggesting that we take our time, gather all of the information that’s needed, and make sure that we have the Military forces necessary to execute your most excellent and daring plan, Mr. President!” He bows obsequiously.
The President rolls his eyes, and says, “What’s that old saying . . . Fools rush in, where Angels fear to tread? Very well! I won’t execute you for treason . . . for now. General CommandoBob!”
General CommandoBob stands, and says, “Yes, sir, Mr. President!”
The President says, “I’m putting you in charge of a tactical analysis. I want to know everything that there is to know about my Empire, and I want it before sunset! You read me?!!”
General CommandoBob replies, “With respect, Mr. President, I did all of that already!”
The President says, “You did? Well then, why am I not reading it right now?!”
General CommandoBob says, “Sir! I had it delivered to your Palace two weeks ago! It was in a plain envelope with the words ‘URGENT! FOR THE PRESIDENT’S EYES ONLY!’ on it.”
The President says, “Envelope? What envelope?!!”
Suddenly, the door to the room opens, and in walks a scantily-clad, statuesque redhead holding an envelope.
She playfully says, “Pooky? I almost forgot! This envelope marked ‘URGENT! FOR THE PRESIDENT’S EYES ONLY!’ arrived for you a couple of weeks ago! Was I a bad girl, Pooky?”
The Generals all look at each other, and mouth the word: “Pooky?”
The President says, “Ah, Miss Stein! Come here!”
Rushing to him, Miss Stein says, “Oooo! I get all tingly when you command me like that!”
Miss Stein lounges seductively on the President’s lap, and says, “What should I do with this, Pooky?”
The President, who seems lost in thought, while staring at her ample cleavage this whole time, grins, and says, “What should you do with what?”
Miss Stein giggles, and says, “This envelope, silly!”
She holds the envelope up, and everyone in the room notices that the envelope has been opened.
General CommandoBob leaps to his feet, and says, “Mr. President! I must protest this breach of security! The contents of that envelope were for your eyes only!”
Miss Stein pouts, and says indignantly, “Pooky told me just last week that I was his eyes and ears around here. The envelope said for the President’s eyes only. I’m his eyes, so I opened it!” Looking at the President, she playfully says, “Did I do something wrong, Pooky?” She starts rubbing his chest, while shooting General CommandoBob a dirty look.
The President snaps out of his reverie, clears his throat, and says, “Now see here, Miss Stein, things of this nature are vital to our continued survival! You’ve been very naughty!” (But the tone of his voice conveyed that he felt just the opposite).
The President says, “Where were we? Oh, yes . . . Answering the Idiot’s . . . I mean, General Idiot’s questions. Let’s see here, you asked about our enemy. What type of unit and how many we might encounter? Is that right?”
Standing, General Idiot replies, “Yes, sir, Mr. President!”
The President snapped, “How the hell should I know?!!”
General Idiot says, “Sir, with respect, we have an Embassy. Could we not use our spies to find out this information?”
The President says, “A thought just occurred to me! If we use our Embassy, our spies could find out this information! What do you think of that, General?”
General Idiot sighed, “An inspired idea, Mr. President . . . I wish I had thought of that!”, and sat down.
The President says, “Such an undertaking would cost Gold. I need to consult the Treasurer. Major Embezzler! Get in here!”
Miss Stein says, “Pooky? Don’t you remember? You executed him years ago for gross mismanagement of funds!”
The President says, “Oh, yeah, I remember that. I put the noose around his fat, bloated neck, and pulled the lever myself, didn’t I?”
Miss Stein says, “Yes, Pooky!”
The President says, “It was the damnedest thing that I ever saw. He’s crying and whining about being innocent, and, when the rope broke his neck, his pockets split open, and all of this gold fell to the ground.”
Miss Stein says, “You got it, Pooky!”, and blew in his ear.
The President says, “Who did I appoint as the new Treasurer? Oh, yeah . . . Major Graft, get in here!”
Presently, a tall man with shifty eyes walks into the room.
He says, “Command me, my President!”, bowing.
The President asks, “How much Gold do I have right now?”
Major Graft replies, “208 Gold, Mr. President.”
The President says, “I want you to find out how much Gold it will cost me for our Embassy’s spies to gain information about the Mayan cities of Cuello and Calakmul, and I want that information as soon as possible! Get me?”
Bowing, Major Graft replies, “Yes sir! I’ll get right on it.” He turns a suspicious eye to the Generals, and leaves the room.
The President says, “Good man! Salt of the Earth!”
Miss Stein says, “Yes, Pooky!”
The President says, “General Marsden!”
General Marsden stands, and says, “Yes, Mr. President?”
The President says, “You mentioned to me a while back something about a Forbidden Palace.”
General Marsden says, “Yes, Mr. President!”
The President says, “What’s wrong with my Palace?!”
General Marsden says, “With respect, sir, there is nothing wrong with your Palace. You misunderstood me.”
The President raised an eyebrow, and said, “Excuse me?”
General Marsden quickly says, “I mean, I didn’t explain it properly to you!”
The President says, “That’s better! Go on . . . “
General Marsden clears his throat, and says, “Sir, corruption is rampant in the far-flung cities of your Empire. There is hardly any corruption near the Capital. A Forbidden Palace would help keep an eye on the other cities, and corruption will be lessened. You will get more Gold, our cities will work more efficiently, and our Scientists will learn new technologies faster. These new discoveries could seriously upgrade our Military firepower. We could expand your Empire from horizon to horizon. We might even be able to conquer this entire continent. This entire planet, even!”
The President says, “I like the sound of that! O.K., General, I want you to find me the ideal city in which to construct this ‘Forbidden Palace’.
General Marsden says, “Yes, sir, Mr. President.”
As General Marsden starts to sit down, the President says, “One more thing, General . . .”
General Marsden stands back up, and says, “Yes, Mr. President?”
The President says, “Did I hear you right when you asked me if I’m going to ask that complete and total pain-in-the-$%$ Wang Kon to join us in our war with Maya?”
General Marsden looks to his aide, and nods.
General Nuisance stands up, and says proudly, “Forgive my interrupting, Mr. President, but that was my idea! If we can get Korea to join us, Maya will be hopelessly out-numbered, and have to fight a war on two fronts, making it easier for us to achieve our objective. Granted, relations between us and Korea have been the teensyest bit strained as of late.”
The President began looking through the contents of the envelope, snorts, and says, “Ain’t that the truth! One minute, he’s $^%*&ing and moaning about our Units trespassing in his territory, and the next thing you know, he sends a couple of Settlers and a couple of Spearmen into our territory. I tell him to leave, and he agrees. The very next turn, there they are again, trying to horn in on our territory. You tell me! Why should I ask that @&#^$%& for anything? I’d sooner ram my foot so far up his butt that I'd have to open his mouth to tie my shoes!”
General Nuisance says, “That’s my point, sir! Think for a moment: You extend an olive branch . . .”
The President says, “And cram it up his . . .”
General Nuisance continues, “He agrees to join you in our struggle. Now, during the war, there will be losses on all three sides, there always are. It’ll weaken Korea’s military perhaps just enough for us to rid the world of Korea once and for all!”
Looking up from the report, The President says, “I like the sound of that, but what will it cost me to get that @&#^$%& to agree to join us?”
General Nuisance looked at General Marsden, and shrugged.
General Marsden says, “No doubt that it might be costly, Mr. President, but what amount of Gold would you be willing to pay to be rid of Korea forever?”
The President says, “I will take it under serious advisement, Generals, I’ll let you know!”
Generals Marsden and Nuisance say, “Thank you, Mr. President!”, and sit back down.
Looking through the pages, The President says, “Reading this thing is giving me a headache! What does all this mean, General CommandoBob? Do I have enough men or don’t I?”
Miss Stein stands up, and walks behind The President. She cradles his head, and leans it back into her bosom. She begins to lightly rub his temples, all the while giving the Generals a dirty look.
General CommandoBob stands, and says, “Now that I have seen your Battle Plans, Mr. President, I will be able to figure out how many men you will need, but it’ll take a little bit of time.”
The President says, “While you’re at it, I want to know how you would split our forces into 4 Battalions.”
General CommandoBob says, “Yes, sir.”, and sits back down.
Miss Stein leans down, and whispers something in The President’s ear.
The President says, “Excuse me, gentlemen, but Affairs of State must take precedence over Affairs of State. You have your orders, gentlemen. Dismissed!”
After the room clears, The President opens a curtain, revealing a bed. He playfully throws Miss Stein onto the bed, and climbs in, whistling, ‘Hail to The Chief!’.
*****
So them's the questions, gentlemen.
- Where would be a good location for the Forbidden Palace?
- How many Units (and of which type) should I have before splitting them into the 4 Battalions?
- Should I go ahead and play just the next turn, and find out the Embassy's info, or wait until I play the entire next Set of Turns?
- How many units (and of which type) should I have in each of the 4 battalions?
I will play the next
Set of Turns on Tuesday like always.
Your help is greatly appreciated.
My proper title is General Nuisance,
Stay tuned, sports fans!
Is it difficult to see your units with all that as a backdrop?
