Emperor2
Capitalist Missionary
A collection of different journal and diary entries from different people in different in different positions and classes which examine the most humorous aspects of Civilization IV.
Funny Journal Entries
- Thread starter Emperor2
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Emperor2
Capitalist Missionary
From the Journal of Albert Fromstein
January 1, 2001 BC
We were working on the pyramids today when suddenly, somebody came up to us and said: Stop it! Stop everything; Ive just gotten an official notice!
What is it? we all asked
Weve gotten news that a civilization weve never met in a place that we arent quite sure the location is- or even if it exists, for that matter- has just built the same exact thing- only theirs is completed.
We all stared in shock. Furthermore, he continued, Due to this fact, we cant finish this. Weve got to destroy the entire thing.
We all got a little, but the man insisted it was The Rules whatever thats supposed to mean. So, we tore it all down and sold the material.
--------------------------------
From the Journal of Louis Pieere
January 1, 100 BC
I just realized that there are too many people in this city- no, in this country! There is just a LOT of people here, more then I can stand. Im now so angry at the fact that there are so many people in this country Ive refused to go to my job in the mines. Thats right, I refuse to go to work because there are so many people there.
January 1, 2001 BC
We were working on the pyramids today when suddenly, somebody came up to us and said: Stop it! Stop everything; Ive just gotten an official notice!
What is it? we all asked
Weve gotten news that a civilization weve never met in a place that we arent quite sure the location is- or even if it exists, for that matter- has just built the same exact thing- only theirs is completed.
We all stared in shock. Furthermore, he continued, Due to this fact, we cant finish this. Weve got to destroy the entire thing.
We all got a little, but the man insisted it was The Rules whatever thats supposed to mean. So, we tore it all down and sold the material.
--------------------------------
From the Journal of Louis Pieere
January 1, 100 BC
I just realized that there are too many people in this city- no, in this country! There is just a LOT of people here, more then I can stand. Im now so angry at the fact that there are so many people in this country Ive refused to go to my job in the mines. Thats right, I refuse to go to work because there are so many people there.
Emperor2
Capitalist Missionary
From the Journal of Boris Yulkranov
January 1, 230 AD
I was advising the Emperor today on the Military. We are having severe problems with barbarian raids. I said, Why dont we just force some people to go into the military?
Oh, we couldnt do that. replied the Emperor.
Why not? I asked.
Its a very complicated process.
No, it isnt! I laughed. Its simple. Just say that some people with these qualifications have to fight.
The Emperor looked at me weirdly. No. First you have to discover drama, and from that springs philosophy, and then and only then can you force people to fight.
----------
From the Journal of Prime Minister Mao Zedong
January 1, 1933
I decided to levy some troops today from Shanghai. Theres a whole army of French troops right outside the gates, and If I just levied this one unit, we could stand a good chance. And all of a sudden, the people go into an uproar, shouting Hell NO, we wont go!
I tried to calm them down and explain to them the situation- the enemy was literally at the gates. But they refused to see reason. I rule over a really un-patriotic nation, you know.
January 1, 230 AD
I was advising the Emperor today on the Military. We are having severe problems with barbarian raids. I said, Why dont we just force some people to go into the military?
Oh, we couldnt do that. replied the Emperor.
Why not? I asked.
Its a very complicated process.
No, it isnt! I laughed. Its simple. Just say that some people with these qualifications have to fight.
The Emperor looked at me weirdly. No. First you have to discover drama, and from that springs philosophy, and then and only then can you force people to fight.
----------
From the Journal of Prime Minister Mao Zedong
January 1, 1933
I decided to levy some troops today from Shanghai. Theres a whole army of French troops right outside the gates, and If I just levied this one unit, we could stand a good chance. And all of a sudden, the people go into an uproar, shouting Hell NO, we wont go!
I tried to calm them down and explain to them the situation- the enemy was literally at the gates. But they refused to see reason. I rule over a really un-patriotic nation, you know.
sum41freak
Chieftain
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3
not bad I like it. It sounds really good in diary form.
I enjoyed those -- please, more! 
Diamondeye
So Happy I Could Die
From the journal of Little Tiger, inhabitant of Tlexcala, Aztec, 450 BC:
"Today I took a walk through the city - it's incredible how many people here that are ill - it's because of that belt of jungle a mile west of the city - maybe you should think of moving to the capital ? They've got fresh water, variated food and some forests (?). A shame the game mechanics doesn't allow it."
"Today I took a walk through the city - it's incredible how many people here that are ill - it's because of that belt of jungle a mile west of the city - maybe you should think of moving to the capital ? They've got fresh water, variated food and some forests (?). A shame the game mechanics doesn't allow it."
From the memoirs of Yvon de Chardonne: loyal scout of the French
When i began my exploration career I had a brilliant idea to climb mout Pele, As I walked towards the peak My father Jaques de Chardonne reached out to my shoulder and said "You can't climb that mountain it's impassable"
From The journal of Un. Secretary General Steven Smith p18
I had a cottage near Washington. I went for the summer in july And planned to return for new years in january. When i got there i found that the cottage was gone, so was the road to the cottage. Everything aroung it was a desert when i inquired as to what happened, the minister of the enviorment said "global warming".
From Oxford univerity History professer Amelia Claire:
There once was a man named Shaka, a brute of a man. Whenever Zulu engineers built training tents in cities, Ikhandas as the zulu toungue called them Shaka in his insanity reduced the taxes of his people in the city.
Shaka Zulu was AGGRESSIVE towards his neibourghs often attacking needlessly. Somehow all of his soldiers were born with innate combat ability. He also Had an Affinity towards EXPANSION no one knows why but this seems to have made all of his citizens live longer
From the log of grand admiral Christopher colombus:
I once comanded an iornclad battleship during the age of steam, I heard new of a teribly unprotected french Fleet of galeons Exploring the new world. on board was the legendary explorer Yvon de Chardonne I turned the ship to steam out into the open ocean when the engine froze and a red circle apeared on the map. Let's go !! i screamed we back up and tried again once again we stopped, WHATS GOING ON!!!! I screamed. Later i checked information on our ship and it said, Cannot leave the coast!'
From the war journal of Scipio Africaanus
We had recently Discovered the rifle. we mobilized thousands to the besieged city of Antium the muketmen were holding the line but the casualties were in the millions. The intrroduction of the rifle would save their lives and turn the tide of the war. As I handed the first rifle to a captain he rejected it. I tried to give the rifles to some of the soldiers but they had the same reaction. I went back to the captain and asked why don't you take the rifle? Because you haven' paid to upgrade me yet!. was the answer I got
From the Zulu engineers' city plan of Ulundi
We built a mighty Poem the other day an Epic. a tribute to the sucsesses of mighty shaka. He had retuned to Ulundi badly hurt so we created the Red cross to help save him. It was all in vain howerver for shaka's wounds were to deep. He realesed his war journal to the swarming doctors and his gieving family on his death bed. To preserve shaka's teaching the construction of west point was comissioned but failed, our excuse was that we already had too many national wonders in Ulundi so Shaka's teaching disapeared forever
***
"Ha this is a cinch!!! Our army of Mechanized infanty has sucsessfully killed Secretary General Steven Smith, and obliterated the UN!! the world has fallen apart and people have reverted to using primative technologies such as the sword or the spear to fight us... whats this a lone man carying a pike is comming at us.. What an idiot Kill him now!!!!
last words of Roman Warlord Scipio Africaanus
Agustus Cesar wins a domination victory
THE siege of washington... Yes it was the siege of washinton that rome finally won. after obliterating the UN the city tried vainly to hold. Oxford university was the last to fall. As i walked into the library there I found myself holding a roman flag when i planted it into the ground a wave of purple covered the entire planet. Sudenly i was back in washinton and a woman named Amelia Claire was lecturing me about history "I don't care about history!!! I've experiences all 6050 years of it personnaly and am still in the prime of my life. As I left She shouted to me "Agustus Cesar in this game you have displayed the leadership skills of Agustus Cesar. A look of confusion spread across my face i was about to ask when she disapeared.
Suddenly i was in a strange room I was tired. A computer was infront of my face, on it was an animated world map. hmm i said to myself. I looked around there was dirty plates and cloths all around me, what the.. then i looked at the computer screen. I was prompted to decide if i wanted to play "Just one more turn" I selected yes
I was back in Oxford I stood out infront of my people and said " Let the campaign against America continue!!!!!
FROM THE CYBER JOURNAL OF A CIV FANATIC
When i began my exploration career I had a brilliant idea to climb mout Pele, As I walked towards the peak My father Jaques de Chardonne reached out to my shoulder and said "You can't climb that mountain it's impassable"
From The journal of Un. Secretary General Steven Smith p18
I had a cottage near Washington. I went for the summer in july And planned to return for new years in january. When i got there i found that the cottage was gone, so was the road to the cottage. Everything aroung it was a desert when i inquired as to what happened, the minister of the enviorment said "global warming".
From Oxford univerity History professer Amelia Claire:
There once was a man named Shaka, a brute of a man. Whenever Zulu engineers built training tents in cities, Ikhandas as the zulu toungue called them Shaka in his insanity reduced the taxes of his people in the city.
Shaka Zulu was AGGRESSIVE towards his neibourghs often attacking needlessly. Somehow all of his soldiers were born with innate combat ability. He also Had an Affinity towards EXPANSION no one knows why but this seems to have made all of his citizens live longer
From the log of grand admiral Christopher colombus:
I once comanded an iornclad battleship during the age of steam, I heard new of a teribly unprotected french Fleet of galeons Exploring the new world. on board was the legendary explorer Yvon de Chardonne I turned the ship to steam out into the open ocean when the engine froze and a red circle apeared on the map. Let's go !! i screamed we back up and tried again once again we stopped, WHATS GOING ON!!!! I screamed. Later i checked information on our ship and it said, Cannot leave the coast!'
From the war journal of Scipio Africaanus
We had recently Discovered the rifle. we mobilized thousands to the besieged city of Antium the muketmen were holding the line but the casualties were in the millions. The intrroduction of the rifle would save their lives and turn the tide of the war. As I handed the first rifle to a captain he rejected it. I tried to give the rifles to some of the soldiers but they had the same reaction. I went back to the captain and asked why don't you take the rifle? Because you haven' paid to upgrade me yet!. was the answer I got
From the Zulu engineers' city plan of Ulundi
We built a mighty Poem the other day an Epic. a tribute to the sucsesses of mighty shaka. He had retuned to Ulundi badly hurt so we created the Red cross to help save him. It was all in vain howerver for shaka's wounds were to deep. He realesed his war journal to the swarming doctors and his gieving family on his death bed. To preserve shaka's teaching the construction of west point was comissioned but failed, our excuse was that we already had too many national wonders in Ulundi so Shaka's teaching disapeared forever
***
"Ha this is a cinch!!! Our army of Mechanized infanty has sucsessfully killed Secretary General Steven Smith, and obliterated the UN!! the world has fallen apart and people have reverted to using primative technologies such as the sword or the spear to fight us... whats this a lone man carying a pike is comming at us.. What an idiot Kill him now!!!!
last words of Roman Warlord Scipio Africaanus
Agustus Cesar wins a domination victory
THE siege of washington... Yes it was the siege of washinton that rome finally won. after obliterating the UN the city tried vainly to hold. Oxford university was the last to fall. As i walked into the library there I found myself holding a roman flag when i planted it into the ground a wave of purple covered the entire planet. Sudenly i was back in washinton and a woman named Amelia Claire was lecturing me about history "I don't care about history!!! I've experiences all 6050 years of it personnaly and am still in the prime of my life. As I left She shouted to me "Agustus Cesar in this game you have displayed the leadership skills of Agustus Cesar. A look of confusion spread across my face i was about to ask when she disapeared.
Suddenly i was in a strange room I was tired. A computer was infront of my face, on it was an animated world map. hmm i said to myself. I looked around there was dirty plates and cloths all around me, what the.. then i looked at the computer screen. I was prompted to decide if i wanted to play "Just one more turn" I selected yes
I was back in Oxford I stood out infront of my people and said " Let the campaign against America continue!!!!!
FROM THE CYBER JOURNAL OF A CIV FANATIC
needsomesleep
Chieftain
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2007
- Messages
- 54
The English have finally accepted our request for peace, but only for ten years, then I feel they may show up again, probably better armed with something I've heard called a "tank".
I am to embarq on a trip to visit a man named Sitting Bull to discuss trading his bananas for some of our wheat and possibly to educate him on nationalism while he educates me on military tradition.
I'm confused though at the most recent letter I received asking me to join one Julius Ceasar for a meeting to discuss war against the Japaneese. Unless my memory of history fails me, Julius Ceasar has been dead for many many years. I suspect this is Thomas Jefferson playing a trick on me again like he did that time he said nothing bad could happen when we demanded that Elizabeth give us some of her horses.
I am to embarq on a trip to visit a man named Sitting Bull to discuss trading his bananas for some of our wheat and possibly to educate him on nationalism while he educates me on military tradition.
I'm confused though at the most recent letter I received asking me to join one Julius Ceasar for a meeting to discuss war against the Japaneese. Unless my memory of history fails me, Julius Ceasar has been dead for many many years. I suspect this is Thomas Jefferson playing a trick on me again like he did that time he said nothing bad could happen when we demanded that Elizabeth give us some of her horses.
Gooblah
Heh...
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2007
- Messages
- 4,282
From the Journal of Gandhi
I recently led the nation away from a Caste System. I though the people would be happy! But no-oooooo. Not at all. Instead, they revolted every few years, saying that they wouldn't stand up for being whipped! I mean really! First they complain about non-equality, now they complain about equal whipping time!
I recently led the nation away from a Caste System. I though the people would be happy! But no-oooooo. Not at all. Instead, they revolted every few years, saying that they wouldn't stand up for being whipped! I mean really! First they complain about non-equality, now they complain about equal whipping time!
rabidveggie
King
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2007
- Messages
- 697
I've just seen the most amazing thing. As one of our tanks moved in to capture a city a spearman came running out in a seemingly suicidal charge and somehow managed to destroy it. This came as a heavy blow to moral as on the same attack one of our helicopters was struck down by a group of longbowmen.
Diamondeye
So Happy I Could Die
...and our, although a bit old, elite cavalry divison, armed with rifles that can shoot through metal armor at a range of 200 meters, lost to some lousy pikemen.
e350tb
Stupendously Illogical Englishman
Today we built the Oracle. Suddenly, the leader ran out of his palace and screamed, "WE NOW HAVE THEOCRACY!" and the buildings and people turned into that of a new era called Med-i-eval or something. 
From the journal of a cavalry commander (vanilla):
So we invented a military tradition where we can have some men on horses with sophisticated rifles but we don't even now yet how to build rifles. It baffles the mind.
About the pyramids:
We have to stop the building!!! Why? In a country far away there was this guy swinging his arms and constructed the damn building within a blink of an eye. He kicked our asses so hard we have to tear down this thing.
So we invented a military tradition where we can have some men on horses with sophisticated rifles but we don't even now yet how to build rifles. It baffles the mind.
About the pyramids:
We have to stop the building!!! Why? In a country far away there was this guy swinging his arms and constructed the damn building within a blink of an eye. He kicked our asses so hard we have to tear down this thing.
A_Hamster
Small Furry Animal
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2007
- Messages
- 627
Excerpt of a letter dated 1872 AD from Lt. Lars Asmundsen, Royal Norse Air Force.
...These new flying machines we've been given are great! With them we can bomb Aztec cities into submission without the need for cannon or artillery. There is a drawback ... they are glacier slow! It takes us a year to fly to the target city, then a year back to base for rearming.
Journal Entry for 3rd Lt. James St. Clair of HMS Victory, British Royal Navy.
Must speak to the Captain about the strange reactions of the gun crews. When we engaged that Chinese Frigate, we only fired one broadside, then the men lollygagged for the next five years. Yet, when two Chinese caravels tried to engage us, we managed two broadsides with empty guns! Quite odd.
...These new flying machines we've been given are great! With them we can bomb Aztec cities into submission without the need for cannon or artillery. There is a drawback ... they are glacier slow! It takes us a year to fly to the target city, then a year back to base for rearming.
Journal Entry for 3rd Lt. James St. Clair of HMS Victory, British Royal Navy.
Must speak to the Captain about the strange reactions of the gun crews. When we engaged that Chinese Frigate, we only fired one broadside, then the men lollygagged for the next five years. Yet, when two Chinese caravels tried to engage us, we managed two broadsides with empty guns! Quite odd.
rabidveggie
King
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2007
- Messages
- 697
The last words of the first emperor of Japan
Under my great leadership our people have settled, however my lasting achievement for my empire is that I managed to finish construction of 1/10th of a warrior. May my sons continue this nations legacy of speedy construction.
Under my great leadership our people have settled, however my lasting achievement for my empire is that I managed to finish construction of 1/10th of a warrior. May my sons continue this nations legacy of speedy construction.
Gooblah
Heh...
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2007
- Messages
- 4,282
It took our workers about 200 years to build a cottage. One single cottage. I had them all executed. My advisors told me that the cottage might be extraordinary. I entered the thatched hut to find that it smelled like a latrine. I was informed that it was used as such by the farmers (who, by the way, took 200 years to sow their seeds) nearby. I had them executed as well. Suddenly, the scouting party being trained in Technotitlan came out and began scouting. I was informed just yesterday that the training had just started! I went to the great temples, only for a priest to inform me that the Buddha told him that whipping my citizens would finish the training/building of anything in the city! More misery for all!!!
~Montezuma
~Montezuma
Terrance888
Discord Reigns
?500 BC???
Trebuchet of
England
Cavary of
native america...
RE creates Custer's last stand!
By killing 2 hwwachas, 2 Pikes, 5 maces, 1 Axmen, and 1 Spearmen...
Man that was an adrenaline rise!
As I emancipated the slaves.... Odd... the Slaves Revolted and sacked the capital! Ungratful Creatures! Abe Lincon, 1863
Trebuchet of
England
Cavary of
native america...
RE creates Custer's last stand!
By killing 2 hwwachas, 2 Pikes, 5 maces, 1 Axmen, and 1 Spearmen...
Man that was an adrenaline rise!
As I emancipated the slaves.... Odd... the Slaves Revolted and sacked the capital! Ungratful Creatures! Abe Lincon, 1863
Soaring Tiger
Chieftain
Jounal of Montezuma, 1 B.C.
My sages and scientists inform me that next year, our years are going to count up, instead of down. They say that since a religious leader named Jesus will be born and found a religion called Christianity, so we'll switch to A.D. Odd, since my advisors told me that Christianity was founded in a distant land, about a hundred years ago. Frankly, it baffles the mind.
Montezuma
My sages and scientists inform me that next year, our years are going to count up, instead of down. They say that since a religious leader named Jesus will be born and found a religion called Christianity, so we'll switch to A.D. Odd, since my advisors told me that Christianity was founded in a distant land, about a hundred years ago. Frankly, it baffles the mind.
Montezuma
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