Blasphemous
Graulich
Racist or not, he's one of the most quotable people in living memory.
Historical Joke Thread
- Thread starter Adler17
- Start date
Phyr_Negator
Anti-tolerast
-We are reporting from "Germany-France" soccer match. It's only fifth minute but germans already driving POW's.
Germany. Bus with Israeli tourists. German driver increase speed. Bus passing /Buchenwald/ sign. Jews asking driver:
-Dis plais is sacred for all jews, please make stop here to attend historikal site.
Driver tries to refuse(out of time, pre-set tourism program etc.). But jews insists so he turn, and near some village bus brokes. Angry, driver goes to nearby house to call for help. There sit fat burger with beer and sausage. Driver:
-Man, I'm taking jews to Buchenwald here...bus broken...can't get there...have to be in time...can you help me?
Burger look at driver and reply:
- Sorry, I got only microwave.
Jewish Santa-Claus:
-Ho-ho-ho! Hello children! Buy presents!
Programmer enter Police Departament.
- Hurry, my car is absent!
- You again! I'm tired repeating, 404 is your' car's federal number!
Moderator Action: Some 'jokes' are best left unsaid here.
Warned. - KD
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
Germany. Bus with Israeli tourists. German driver increase speed. Bus passing /Buchenwald/ sign. Jews asking driver:
-Dis plais is sacred for all jews, please make stop here to attend historikal site.
Driver tries to refuse(out of time, pre-set tourism program etc.). But jews insists so he turn, and near some village bus brokes. Angry, driver goes to nearby house to call for help. There sit fat burger with beer and sausage. Driver:
-Man, I'm taking jews to Buchenwald here...bus broken...can't get there...have to be in time...can you help me?
Burger look at driver and reply:
- Sorry, I got only microwave.
Jewish Santa-Claus:
-Ho-ho-ho! Hello children! Buy presents!
Programmer enter Police Departament.
- Hurry, my car is absent!
- You again! I'm tired repeating, 404 is your' car's federal number!
Moderator Action: Some 'jokes' are best left unsaid here.
Warned. - KD Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
FriendlyFire
Codex WMDicanious
Augustus had come to Alxeranders grave to pay hommage. He placed a crown of gold and knelt before the grave. When asked if Augustus whished to see Ptoloemy grave. He replied " I have come to see a king not corpses"
Adler17
Prussian Feldmarschall
A man was dead for a few minutes but then is revitalized. A few hours later a friend goes to him. He asks how it was on the other side. The man responded it was horrible. Why, asked his friend. The man answered, he had seen god. "And why it is so horrible? I would be glad to see him!" "But she is black!"
Adler
Adler
Hitler has been in Hell for 60 years. As he behaved well, Satan decided to grant him one day to visit Earth as a reward.
Hitler comes back crying. "I don't want to go there again! I want to stay here, it's to horrible there! Now it's the German who do business, and the Jews who make war!".
It worked better some years ago...
Hitler comes back crying. "I don't want to go there again! I want to stay here, it's to horrible there! Now it's the German who do business, and the Jews who make war!".
It worked better some years ago...
Gelion
Retired Captain
Year 1945. A lesson in German school:
- Hans, conjugate the verb "to run".
- I run, we run, you run, he runs, she runs...
- and "they"?
- and "they" are advancing, teacher!
- Hans, conjugate the verb "to run".
- I run, we run, you run, he runs, she runs...
- and "they"?
- and "they" are advancing, teacher!
Adler17
Prussian Feldmarschall
This joke I just read today in the newspaper:
Originally by Billy Wilder about 1930 in Berlin:
On a sunny day a visitor of Zürich comes to a psychiatrist and sais he doesn´t know how he could escape his sadness. He wopuld be so sad although there was no reason.
The doc sais to him: "Well, it is such a beautiful day. The sun shines, the lake looks beautiful and you can see snowy tops of the mountains in the distance. Go for a walk and then you´ll see how your sadness disappears!"
The man nicks sadly.
His first attempt to make him feel better was invain. So the doc tries it twice:
"You can go into a good restaurant here. The Kronenhalle for example is one of the best. Enjoy the fabulous Zürich cuisine!"
The man nicks again, sighing melancholigal.
"You can also go over the Bahnhofsstraße and see the luxuries in the shops. Visit a Café and enjoy the delicious chocolate dreams made there."
The man nicks again, without any sign of being not sad any more.
"But wait. I just remember the Circus at the Limmat. There is now the famous Clown Grock. There you have to go to.! That will make you happy! Grock managed to get anyone to lough who went into his show! Nobody can resist that. You´ll see you´ll be happy at once!"
The man looks to the doc even more sadly and says: "But I am Grock!"
Adler
Originally by Billy Wilder about 1930 in Berlin:
On a sunny day a visitor of Zürich comes to a psychiatrist and sais he doesn´t know how he could escape his sadness. He wopuld be so sad although there was no reason.
The doc sais to him: "Well, it is such a beautiful day. The sun shines, the lake looks beautiful and you can see snowy tops of the mountains in the distance. Go for a walk and then you´ll see how your sadness disappears!"
The man nicks sadly.
His first attempt to make him feel better was invain. So the doc tries it twice:
"You can go into a good restaurant here. The Kronenhalle for example is one of the best. Enjoy the fabulous Zürich cuisine!"
The man nicks again, sighing melancholigal.
"You can also go over the Bahnhofsstraße and see the luxuries in the shops. Visit a Café and enjoy the delicious chocolate dreams made there."
The man nicks again, without any sign of being not sad any more.
"But wait. I just remember the Circus at the Limmat. There is now the famous Clown Grock. There you have to go to.! That will make you happy! Grock managed to get anyone to lough who went into his show! Nobody can resist that. You´ll see you´ll be happy at once!"
The man looks to the doc even more sadly and says: "But I am Grock!"
Adler
Zardnaar
Deity
Adler17 said:The Italian war flag of ww2 was a white cross on white ground.
The three thinnest books of the world: Good eating in England, American Cultural History and the book of the Italian war heroes.
Nixon and Breshnev are frozen. After 20 years they are revitalised. Both demand a newspaper at once to get to know wha happened. Breshnew is the first to read. He suddenly loughs loudly. Nixon does not know why and reads himself: The People´s own car factory of Detroit say they accomplished their plan three month before the end. America is communistic. But then he reads further and suddenly loughs even louder. This time Breshnew doesn´t know why and he has to read the newspaper again: Heavy shootings at the German- Chinese border at Tilsit. Dawn of a new world war? Germany is reunited but also the Soviets are under Chinese control.
The last joke has to be explained in so far as the Chinese were in Russian eyes at least in that time also a huge threat.
Adler
P.S.: Stefan the orders should be Ritterkreuz in ww2 and Pour le mérite in ww1
.
And the German book of Humor, French book of courage etc.
German comedian stands up on stage and orders the audience to laugh/
Zardnaar
Deity
"How dare the Maoris be on our land when we got here" Joke about british colonists arrival in New Zealand.
Ukas
Pthooey of Tomainia
This is an old one:
Stalin, Hitler and Churchill met before the war. Three men found a lot to talk about, one of the topics was the differences between their governments. A passer-by suggested, that they should test which one is the best. Three men agreed and the passer-by said, that the best way is to try to make a cat eat mustard.
First was Churchill. Sir Winston spend an unsuccessful hour asking the cat nicely to eat it. There was no result even when he tried to tell the cat, that is was the best thing to do. Cat looked like it would rather play.
Second was Hitler. Adolf was furious and shouted commands to the poor cat, even threatened it's life. Cat looked scared but still did nothing.
When Hitler got tired and breathless it was Stalin's turn. Uncle Joe crab the cat by the neck and dipped its behind in the mustard bowl. Cat immediately ran to the corner to lick the mustard off.
Stalin and Hitler looked amazed. Stalin replied: Yup, the trick is to make them want to save their own asses.
Stalin, Hitler and Churchill met before the war. Three men found a lot to talk about, one of the topics was the differences between their governments. A passer-by suggested, that they should test which one is the best. Three men agreed and the passer-by said, that the best way is to try to make a cat eat mustard.
First was Churchill. Sir Winston spend an unsuccessful hour asking the cat nicely to eat it. There was no result even when he tried to tell the cat, that is was the best thing to do. Cat looked like it would rather play.
Second was Hitler. Adolf was furious and shouted commands to the poor cat, even threatened it's life. Cat looked scared but still did nothing.
When Hitler got tired and breathless it was Stalin's turn. Uncle Joe crab the cat by the neck and dipped its behind in the mustard bowl. Cat immediately ran to the corner to lick the mustard off.
Stalin and Hitler looked amazed. Stalin replied: Yup, the trick is to make them want to save their own asses.
FriendlyFire
Codex WMDicanious
One of the "propogrander" films of ww2.
(Yes its real)
Hilter sitting in the reichstag table and recieves a few guest
Hilteryouth comes greets the furher by shouting "Heil Hilter"
Soldier comes greets the furher by shouting "Heil Hilter"
General comes greets the furher by shouting "Heil Hilter"
hitler pauses for a moment:
Then completes the greetings "Heil Me"
(Yes its real)
Hilter sitting in the reichstag table and recieves a few guest
Hilteryouth comes greets the furher by shouting "Heil Hilter"
Soldier comes greets the furher by shouting "Heil Hilter"
General comes greets the furher by shouting "Heil Hilter"
hitler pauses for a moment:
Then completes the greetings "Heil Me"
Adler17
Prussian Feldmarschall
Albert Speer once said about the movie The Great Dictator by Charlie Chaplin that this movie is the best documentation about the Third Reich...
Adler
Adler
Favorius
I am not a Chief!
privatehudson
The Ultimate Badass
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2003
- Messages
- 4,821
Zardnaar said:
That reminds me of a cartoon in a British newspaper a few years back when there was some sort of problem about refugees off the Australian coastline. It had two Aussies standing on a cliff with signs saying "No immigrants" and "No more Foreigners!"
Behind them one Aborigine says to the other "Why didn't we think of that?"
FriendlyFire
Codex WMDicanious
Amother ww2 propagander film clip
Hitler is sitting at hes desk addressing an SS officer (whom might repesent himmler)
Hitler: issues order on the final solutions
SS officer: What If the person only had one jewish parent ?
Hitler replies: Yes they are too be killed
SS officer: What If the person only has 1/10 jewish blood
Hitler replies: Yes they are too be killed
SS officer: What if they even have even one drop of jewish blood
Hitler: working himself into loud voice, comming to hes feet
They are to be exterminated
SS officer: draws hes luger and shoots hitler dead.
Hitler is sitting at hes desk addressing an SS officer (whom might repesent himmler)
Hitler: issues order on the final solutions
SS officer: What If the person only had one jewish parent ?
Hitler replies: Yes they are too be killed
SS officer: What If the person only has 1/10 jewish blood
Hitler replies: Yes they are too be killed
SS officer: What if they even have even one drop of jewish blood
Hitler: working himself into loud voice, comming to hes feet
They are to be exterminated
SS officer: draws hes luger and shoots hitler dead.
Gelion
Retired Captain
Winter of 1941, outskirts of Mosow. A German tank driver gets out of a Panzer in flames and jumps into the snow. 1 minute later he gets up and runs back into the tank.
Phyr_Negator
Anti-tolerast
CIA decide to change it's logo. Chief ask who can propose any ideas for logo:
Officer one:
- Tiger, sir! He is strong, fast and cunning, and everyone is afraid of him.
-Good, sit down.
Officer two:
-Shark, sir! Sharks is on top of food chain n sea and can't lay still - so CIA can't be calm and must constantly be on watch.
-Well done, sit down.
Third Officer:
-Mickey Mouse, sir!
-???!?!???!!
-He got big eyes - so can see everything, he got big ears so he hear everything, and he got small hands and legs - so can't do anything.
Officer one:
- Tiger, sir! He is strong, fast and cunning, and everyone is afraid of him.
-Good, sit down.
Officer two:
-Shark, sir! Sharks is on top of food chain n sea and can't lay still - so CIA can't be calm and must constantly be on watch.
-Well done, sit down.
Third Officer:
-Mickey Mouse, sir!
-???!?!???!!
-He got big eyes - so can see everything, he got big ears so he hear everything, and he got small hands and legs - so can't do anything.
Mirc
Not mIRC!!!
There are hundreds of jokes related to Ceausescu. Do they qualify as historical jokes?
Here's one with other subject:
Stalin dies. He isn't accepted in heaven so he goes to hell. After 50 years Satan, when he meets God and talks a little with him, he complains: "We have a guy called Stalin, he included all the devils in the party, he took my torture rooms and made them property of the state, it's horrible!". God: "Ha, I would never believe that you can't handle him. Give it to me a couple of years and you'll see". After 25 years, God meets Satan again. Satan: "Hello, God, how are you?". God: "First, I'm a comrade. Second: God doesn't exist!".
Here's one with other subject:
Stalin dies. He isn't accepted in heaven so he goes to hell. After 50 years Satan, when he meets God and talks a little with him, he complains: "We have a guy called Stalin, he included all the devils in the party, he took my torture rooms and made them property of the state, it's horrible!". God: "Ha, I would never believe that you can't handle him. Give it to me a couple of years and you'll see". After 25 years, God meets Satan again. Satan: "Hello, God, how are you?". God: "First, I'm a comrade. Second: God doesn't exist!".
