Historical Joke Thread

^ :lol:

Question at Radio Erevan (for a strange reason we have lots of jokes with Radio Erevan): I'm an American. I want to know how much money does an average person in the Soviet Union make each year.
Answer: You also kill the blacks!
 
An extract from Commisar dairy:

Where general and divisional commisar were riding together in a tank turret.
The general remarked casually "So how many have you shot today?" The commissar notes in hes diary "such sarcasim"
 
I remember a case at Stalingrad where a Russian tank driver rebeled against the crew and shot th ecaptian with a pistol and held the other two hostage until he could get away. The 2 hostages were shot for not trying to stop him.
 
RegentMan said:
I think the Russian doesn't know how to speak German, so he's saying a common German phrase, thinking the prisoner will understand. It's like someone saying "Oui" when asked if one speaks French when one doesn't.
Click to expand...

I knew this joke in another version. It was that a Soviet soldier is asking a long line of German captives their names. Of course in Russian. So when a tenth person comes to him and answeres "Was??!" ("what!"), not being able to understand, he gets to thinking it's either a really big German family, or someone's deceiving him. He gets angry and after yet another "was?" punches a German in his stomach. The German cries out in pain: "wahrum!?" ("why?")
"That's better", answeres the Soviet and asks next person.

--
I don't know if it was told before, but as old political jokes count, I will post some soviet Radio Erewan one.

A listener calls radio Erewan and asks: Dear Radio, what were the last words of comrade Ordjonikidze before his suicadal death?
Radio Erewan replies: "Comrades! Don't shoot!!!"

A listener calls Radio Erewan and asks: Dear Radio, is it true that in Moscow, on the Red Square, they're giving cars for free?
Radio Erewan replies: Yes, but it's not in Moscow, but in Leningrad. Not Red Square, but Square of Revolution. Not cars, but bikes; and not giving them, but stealing.

A listener calls Radio Erewan: dear Radio, I am your faithful listener from America. What's the most important city in Soviet Union?
Radio Erewan: Erewan, of course.
Listener: and how many nukes do You need to destroy it?
Radio Erewan: thinking about it, Moscow is pretty important city as well...

--
Morning news in radio: "today at 5 o'clock am, bloody chineese forces attacked soviet combine harvester working peacefully in the fields.
The harvester, after replying with fire, flew back to Moscow."

--

Lenin dies. His closest co-workers wait next to his bed. Lenin's in coma, but from time to time he wakes up and says something.
He says: "Stalin! Are You here?"
Stalin replies: "Yes, Lenin, I'm always next to You".
Lenin comes back to sleep. When he wakes up, he cries out:
"Stalin! You can not be my successor!"
Stalin: "but why?"
Lenin: "the people will not follow you!"
Stalin: "Lets make a deal: those who will follow me, will follow me. And those who won't, will follow You"

I know many more. My english is not perfect, however, and I don't know if they seem funny when translated by me.
 
@squonk :lol: very good :goodjob:
 
A true story:
When Wilhelm II. heard in ww1 that his cousin in Britain renamed his family name from von Sachsen- Coburg- Gotha to Windsor he loughed. Then he said: "And shall we now play instead the Merry wives of Sachsen- Coburg- Gotha?"

Another joke, not exactly that historical but...

High water at the Oder river. The dams are broken. A small village is to be evacuated. All want to leave as fast as possible. Except an old rabbi. His neighbours go to him and say: "Come with us, Rabbi, the flood is coming." "No", he replies, "God will rescue me!" The neighbours can´t convince him, so they have to leave him.
The very next day the rabbi can´t go into the basic floor. Everything is flooded there. A boat of the THW (German emergency service) comes across. They want the Rabbi to go into the boat. But he replies: "No, the Lord will rescue me!" As they can´t convince him they had to patrol other villages.
On the next day it even became a bit stormy. A Bundeswehr helicopter appears over the roof of the rabbi´s house. He is on the roof as the water has rosen higher. The army soldiers want to rescue him despite the storm. But the Rabbi again only answers: "No. God will rescue me!" Due to storm and fuel problems the helicopter can´t wait any longer and returns to base.
On the next day the water became even higher, reaching the peak. Now also the roof is completely flooded and our Rabbi is drowned. He is now in front of the Lord and ask him: "Lord, I know your ways sometimes not explaineable for humans but perhaps you can try to explain me, why I had to die."
The Lord answers: "I sent you your neighbours. I sent you the THW. I sent you the army. What should I have done else ?!?"

Adler
 
I don't know if it was told before, but as old political jokes count, I will post some soviet Radio Erewan one.

A listener calls radio Erewan and asks: Dear Radio, what were the last words of comrade Ordjonikidze before his suicadal death?
Radio Erewan replies: "Comrades! Don't shoot!!!"
Click to expand...

This loosely reminds me of the Discworld theory on murder which runs roughly...

The chief city, Ankh Morpork has a suprsingly low murder rate despite being a haven for sin, crime and depravity. However what it does have is an extremely high suicide rate. Practically every day someone picks a fight with a troll, strolls through the shades* alone, asks for a short in a Dwarf bar...

*Worst part of the city
 
I'd like to give You some old Polish jokes, not only Russian/Armenian/whatever ones, but I'd have to explain something. First: Jozef Cyrankiewicz was a person I kind of like. He was a socialist before war and led an action protecting Jews in universities from persecution. During the war he was a partisan. He was supposed to become the leader of underground Polish state in Poland (headquaters were in Britain) I think, but he was arested and sent to Auschwitz, where he organised resistance movement. After the war he led the socialist party, the biggest one, that is, he was forced to unite with communists though. He accepted this and became one of the communist leaders. He's had a fameous speach after a revolt in Poznan when he's said that whoever raises hand against the authorities will have this hand chopped off. He also had among his wife one of the best polish theatre actresses, Nina Andrycz. There were many jokes about him and he allegedly liked them and even made up some. Not many are good, though, and some are word-play. This one is a true story allegedly. You see, he was a prime minister for 25 years (with short pause), and quasi-president for some years as well. They say that a french journalist asked him why the prime minister in Poland doesn't change. He answered: but I DO change! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- Edward Gierek was the general secretary in Poland in the seventies. There was a short-lived prosperity back then, thanks to western loans. Gierek wanted to have good relations with the west, but he had to please Brezhnew as well, bah, even more because of it. This one is about it. Gierek was showing Brezniew around Warsaw during his visit in Poland. He wanted to make good impression on him badly. When they were driving through Castle Square, Brezhnew asked: "what's the name of this square?" Gierek replied: "that's Brezhnew's Square!". Brezhnew smiled and they went forward. When they were passing New World streat, Brezhnew against asked: "what's the name of this streat?". Gierek replied: "It's Brezhnew's streat, of course!" and they moved along. When they came to the Alees of Jerusalem, Brezhnew asked: "what's this place?" Gierek replied: "these are Alees of Brezhnew". Brezhnew smiled again and they moved forward. They got to another square and when Brezhnew asked his question, Gierek decided not to lie anymore, he said: "This is Our Savior's Square". "Oh, this time you've really overdone it!" said Brezhnew, blushing.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ///Gierek's loans paid off only temporily. At the end of 70s, Poland fell into a great economical crisis. the only things always available in shops were vinegar bottles. This joke comes from this time. ///Gierek was visiting one of the smaller cities and having a speach in front of the workers. The speach was overall optimistic. But the crisis was beginning to show, and Gierek felt forced to say something about it. He said: "we're going in the right direction, but we may experience difficulties. It may happen that we're going to run out of milk and cheese. What shall we do, then, comrades?" "We shall work more!" answered a voice from the crowd. Gierek didn't expect such a good asnwer. He decided to go on, then, and continued: "and then it may happen that we run out of meat. What shall we do, then?" "We shall work saturdays and sundays" said the same misterious voice from the crowd. Gierek was really encouraged by these answers and decided to be honest. He said: "and then there may come a day that we shall run out even of bread. What shall we do, then?" A voice from the crowd said: "we shall work 24h/day!" While the audience didn't show enthusiasm, Gierek was pleased. It was easier than it seemed. He decided to reward the man from the crowd, found him and said: "Comrade, don't say anything, just tell me, where do You work?" "In krematorium" answered the guy.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- another joke about polish economy: "In the seventies polish economy found itself on the verge of disaster Now it's made a great step forward."@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- ///What's the difference between an optimist and a pesimist in Poland? An optimist claims it just can't get worse. Pessimists say it can, and it will. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- Brezhnew is showing Gierek around his dacza (quasi-palace) in Moscow. Gierek says to him: "Comrade, it is all indeed amazing and nice, but I'm afraid in Poland it's impossible". Brezhnew leds him to the window and says: "look there, we've put a lot of money in building this hospital over there. Can You see it?" Gierek replies: "I don't see it...?" Brezhnew smiles: "You see!" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- Brezhnew is showing his elderly mother around his dacza. His mother is impressed and before leaving whispers to his ears: "sonny, I'm proud of You. Now I'm going to pray to the most holy Mother of God of Kazan that those goddam communist wouldn't come and take it away from You!" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- (another introduction. "Dziady" was a work by Adam Mickiewicz, the greatest of Polish poeths, written in XIX century. Poland was under foreign, mostly Russian, rule back then and so, it is pretty anti-Russian. Playing "Dziady" in theatre in 1968 caused great political turmoil) Gierek decided to make a gift to Brezhnew. He's sent him Russian translation of "Dziady" by Mickiewicz. After a while, he gets an angry call: "Edward!" - says Brezhnew - "what have You sent to me!? Who the f... is this anti-soviet poet???" he shouts. "Adam Mickiewicz. But he's long dead" says Gierek. "Oh, really? And THAT's why I like You so much!" says Brezhnew, relieved and pleased.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- Gierek's died and he went to hell. Satan walks him around, and shows him the damned: "Here You can see different rulers from all over time. The more bloody they were, the more covered in boiling oil they are". Gierek looks around: Here's Genghis Khan up to his thighs. There's Tamerlan covered up to his belt. And nearby there's Hitler covered up to his chest. But Gierek keeps looking, finally finds and cries out: "I knew it! Lenin's only covered with boiling oil up to his toes!". Satan stops, thinks a bit and cries out loudly: "Lenin! Get out of Stalin's head!" --- (Our current -unfortunatelly- president and leader of the ruling party are brothers. In fact they are identical twins; Kaczynski brothers. This joke comes from times they were not that reknown). A drunken guy drags himself through Warsaw. He sees Kaczynski brothers and stops, astonished. He just stands and looks at them. Kaczynski smile and say: "no, you're not seeing double. We really are twins". "All four of You?" he replies.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- Fourties. A film is shown. The title: "Stalin the benevolent". In the film, we see Stalin. A child comes to him and says: "uncle, gimme a candy". "**** off, You rascal" says Stalin. A line of text appears on the screen: "AND HE COULD KILL HIM!!" @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ --- I'm getting tired typing, especially that there's no ENTER button here. I will end this part with one of my favourites. You have to know SU a bit to understand this one, though All astronoms of the world agreed. The end of the world is going to happen, and will happen soon. In four days, exactly. The news spread across Earth Paris: people are spending their last days on fun. Sex, drugs, alcohol; debauchery. Rome: people are spending their last days in prayer. Churches are finally full again. %
 
I'm sorry for posting it like this, but there's no ENTER button here. I will edit it later.
 
To give Squonk a hand: I'll delete it when his is fixed.

=======================================================

I'd like to give You some old Polish jokes, not only Russian/Armenian/whatever ones, but I'd have to explain something. First: Jozef Cyrankiewicz was a person I kind of like. He was a socialist before war and led an action protecting Jews in universities from persecution. During the war he was a partisan. He was supposed to become the leader of underground Polish state in Poland (headquaters were in Britain) I think, but he was arested and sent to Auschwitz, where he organised resistance movement. After the war he led the socialist party, the biggest one, that is, he was forced to unite with communists though. He accepted this and became one of the communist leaders. He's had a fameous speach after a revolt in Poznan when he's said that whoever raises hand against the authorities will have this hand chopped off. He also had among his wife one of the best polish theatre actresses, Nina Andrycz. There were many jokes about him and he allegedly liked them and even made up some. Not many are good, though, and some are word-play. This one is a true story allegedly. You see, he was a prime minister for 25 years (with short pause), and quasi-president for some years as well. They say that a french journalist asked him why the prime minister in Poland doesn't change. He answered: but I DO change!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- Edward Gierek was the general secretary in Poland in the seventies. There was a short-lived prosperity back then, thanks to western loans. Gierek wanted to have good relations with the west, but he had to please Brezhnew as well, bah, even more because of it. This one is about it. Gierek was showing Brezniew around Warsaw during his visit in Poland. He wanted to make good impression on him badly. When they were driving through Castle Square, Brezhnew asked: "what's the name of this square?" Gierek replied: "that's Brezhnew's Square!". Brezhnew smiled and they went forward. When they were passing New World streat, Brezhnew against asked: "what's the name of this streat?". Gierek replied: "It's Brezhnew's streat, of course!" and they moved along. When they came to the Alees of Jerusalem, Brezhnew asked: "what's this place?" Gierek replied: "these are Alees of Brezhnew". Brezhnew smiled again and they moved forward. They got to another square and when Brezhnew asked his question, Gierek decided not to lie anymore, he said: "This is Our Savior's Square". "Oh, this time you've really overdone it!" said Brezhnew, blushing.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Gierek's loans paid off only temporily. At the end of 70s, Poland fell into a great economical crisis. the only things always available in shops were vinegar bottles. This joke comes from this time.

Gierek was visiting one of the smaller cities and having a speach in front of the workers. The speach was overall optimistic. But the crisis was beginning to show, and Gierek felt forced to say something about it. He said: "we're going in the right direction, but we may experience difficulties. It may happen that we're going to run out of milk and cheese. What shall we do, then, comrades?" "We shall work more!" answered a voice from the crowd. Gierek didn't expect such a good asnwer. He decided to go on, then, and continued: "and then it may happen that we run out of meat. What shall we do, then?" "We shall work saturdays and sundays" said the same misterious voice from the crowd. Gierek was really encouraged by these answers and decided to be honest. He said: "and then there may come a day that we shall run out even of bread. What shall we do, then?" A voice from the crowd said: "we shall work 24h/day!" While the audience didn't show enthusiasm, Gierek was pleased. It was easier than it seemed. He decided to reward the man from the crowd, found him and said: "Comrade, don't say anything, just tell me, where do You work?" "In krematorium" answered the guy.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- another joke about polish economy: "In the seventies polish economy found itself on the verge of disaster Now it's made a great step forward."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- What's the difference between an optimist and a pesimist in Poland? An optimist claims it just can't get worse. Pessimists say it can, and it will.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- Brezhnew is showing Gierek around his dacza (quasi-palace) in Moscow. Gierek says to him: "Comrade, it is all indeed amazing and nice, but I'm afraid in Poland it's impossible". Brezhnew leds him to the window and says: "look there, we've put a lot of money in building this hospital over there. Can You see it?" Gierek replies: "I don't see it...?" Brezhnew smiles: "You see!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- Brezhnew is showing his elderly mother around his dacza. His mother is impressed and before leaving whispers to his ears: "sonny, I'm proud of You. Now I'm going to pray to the most holy Mother of God of Kazan that those goddam communist wouldn't come and take it away from You!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- (another introduction. "Dziady" was a work by Adam Mickiewicz, the greatest of Polish poeths, written in XIX century. Poland was under foreign, mostly Russian, rule back then and so, it is pretty anti-Russian. Playing "Dziady" in theatre in 1968 caused great political turmoil) Gierek decided to make a gift to Brezhnew. He's sent him Russian translation of "Dziady" by Mickiewicz. After a while, he gets an angry call: "Edward!" - says Brezhnew - "what have You sent to me!? Who the f... is this anti-soviet poet???" he shouts. "Adam Mickiewicz. But he's long dead" says Gierek. "Oh, really? And THAT's why I like You so much!" says Brezhnew, relieved and pleased.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- Gierek's died and he went to hell. Satan walks him around, and shows him the damned: "Here You can see different rulers from all over time. The more bloody they were, the more covered in boiling oil they are". Gierek looks around: Here's Genghis Khan up to his thighs. There's Tamerlan covered up to his belt. And nearby there's Hitler covered up to his chest. But Gierek keeps looking, finally finds and cries out: "I knew it! Lenin's only covered with boiling oil up to his toes!". Satan stops, thinks a bit and cries out loudly: "Lenin! Get out of Stalin's head!"

--- (Our current -unfortunatelly- president and leader of the ruling party are brothers. In fact they are identical twins; Kaczynski brothers. This joke comes from times they were not that reknown). A drunken guy drags himself through Warsaw. He sees Kaczynski brothers and stops, astonished. He just stands and looks at them. Kaczynski smile and say: "no, you're not seeing double. We really are twins". "All four of You?" he replies.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- Fourties. A film is shown. The title: "Stalin the benevolent". In the film, we see Stalin. A child comes to him and says: "uncle, gimme a candy". "**** off, You rascal" says Stalin. A line of text appears on the screen: "AND HE COULD KILL HIM!!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

--- I'm getting tired typing, especially that there's no ENTER button here. I will end this part with one of my favourites. You have to know SU a bit to understand this one, though All astronoms of the world agreed. The end of the world is going to happen, and will happen soon. In four days, exactly. The news spread across Earth Paris: people are spending their last days on fun. Sex, drugs, alcohol; debauchery. Rome: people are spending their last days in prayer. Churches are finally full again.
 
Squonk sorry to dissapoint you, but I heard/read these jokes in Russia with the only difference: names were different. Could it be that all Soviet humour was the same? Or are you translating from a Russian source?
 
Squonk said:
A listener calls Radio Erewan: dear Radio, I am your faithful listener from America. What's the most important city in Soviet Union?
Radio Erewan: Erewan, of course.
Listener: and how many nukes do You need to destroy it?
Radio Erewan: thinking about it, Moscow is pretty important city as well...
Click to expand...
Well, only not Moscow but Baku.
 
In the last days of 1945 the Germans would joke
"enjoy the war the peace will be terrible"

Essentially nazi propogander of comming russians, But as they say you reap what you sow
 
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