Historical Joke Thread

[DAv2003]

Not really a joke but during the Peninsula war of 1808 - 1813, when a Spanish army came across a small French scouting unit, the Spanish troops fired upon them. Now regardless of the facts that the French were completly out of range and they offered no return fire, the Spanish troops fled at the sound of their own guns!

 

[Hornblower]

I am reminded of a quip made by Keith Miller a great Australian Cricket player from the 1940's and 50's.
For those not familiar with Cricket I shall set the scene:
Sometimes called the Errol Flynn of cricket, Miller brought a daredevil approach to the game. He could bat, bowl and was a brilliant fieldsman. Apart from that he was a great fella with a great sense of humour.
Before WW2 Miller was a promising young player on the verge of selection for the Australian team. The war intervened. He subsequently joined the airforce and flew Mosquito fighter bombers in Europe. Surrounded by death his wartime experience defined him.

So here are a few of his humourous quotes.

Miller's quote when a reporter asked him about pressure during a game.
"Pressure," he said.
"I'll tell you what pressure is. Pressure is a Messerschimitt up your arse. Playing cricket is not."

When asked about taking a tour of the continent prior to the commencement of the 1948 test series a reporter asked him if he had ever been to Europe before.
His reply...
"Only at night."

 

[Hornblower]

double post

 

[Adler17]

A German whisper joke after the so called Röhm putsch in 1934:
"When Hitler got to know, Röhm was gay, he was shocked. Boy, I can´t imagine what happens if he gets to know that Göring is fat and Goebbels has a clumb foot."

Adler

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

This will be a bit offensive to the French, and I don't particularly believe it, but it is very funny.

(THANK YOU MR. G!)


A General History of French Warfare

Sure don't want to go to war but if we leave them behind its probably better... Why George Bush doesn't really care if France supports the US or not....


Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, a small group of Italians.

Hundred Years' War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years' War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded French the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the former English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." (Note that the French entered this conflict in order to oppose Britain more than to aid the colonists.)

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost, no contest.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Popular German joke: Why do the French line their roads with trees? To provide shade for invading German soldiers.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
(Balkans in the 1990's- When the French had an armored car stolen by Serbs from their peace keepers, and generally made such a mess that the Americans had to go and sort things out. This would be that Second Rule again.)

To show I care, here is an American version (even though, again, this is somewhat of an exaggeration):

A General History of American Warfare

French and Indian War - Actually fought against both the French and the Indians. A victory, because we were fighting the French.

Revolutionary War - Won, because of French intervention/money/navy. Spent next 225 years conveniently failing to mention role of the French.

War of 1812 - Tied with the British, because they were largely concerned with fighting the French.

Mexican-American War - Won, victory widely celebrated until it was pointed out we had only defeated Mexico.* Something the French couldn't do.

Civil War - Won, by defeating other Americans. Southerners, no less.

Spanish-American War - Defeated global juggernaut and threat-to-freedom-of-world Spain. Oh wait, they hadn't been important for the previous 100 years.

World War I - Showed up at the end, defeated an exhausted Germany, took credit. Still more than French could do.

World War II - Showed up halfway through, waited until Germans were being overrun by Soviets before getting too involved. Still played major role in liberation of France, which they would spend next 60 years conveniently forgetting.

Korean War - Fought hard for 3 years to maintain prewar borders of Korea.

Vietnam War - Lost in Indochina long after the French had made it fashionable.

Gulf War I - Kicked butt of Iraqi juggernaut. Fine except it led to . . .

Gulf War II: the Revenge - Got Saddam easily enough. Discovered he wasn't only armed madman in country. French wisely stayed out.

* I actually really like Mexico, but most Americans tend to see it as incredibly backwards. Same goes for US South (I'm half Southern) and anyone else I may have inadvertantly offended. Although I meant everything I said about the French.

 

[Blasphemous]

Eran, I can't for the life of me figure out what your point is. (Although it was, I must say, amusing.)

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

My point was that anyone's history can look weak enough depending on how you look at it, and although I believe it is a national privilege to mock the French, we're not above mocking ourselves. (And being mocked by others.)

 

[Verbose]

I believe it is a national privilege to mock the French

Clearly the US hasn't fought France often enough.

 

[nonconformist]

Clearly the US hasn't fought France often enough.

Not enough to win, anyway!

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

Not enough to win, anyway!

Wait, we're 1-0 against France all time, don't forget. Although, again, most of the actual fighting in the French and Indian War (better known outside the US as the 7 Years War, I believe) was done by the British regulars, not the colonists.

And I have no problem with the French mocking us back, it's their national privilege too.

 

[Kraznaya]

American and French bashing? This must be a British thread.

 

[Verbose]

American and French bashing? This must be a British thread.

The Brits don't bash.

They employ pointed irony.

 

[Adler17]

Originally this thread was started by a German. Only to make it clear. I am in no way a beans- for- breakfast- eating Tommie! I am a Kraut!

Adler

 

[PrinceOfLeigh]

The Brits don't bash.

They employ pointed irony.

Very true

Originally this thread was started by a German. Only to make it clear. I am in no way a beans- for- breakfast- eating Tommie! I am a Kraut!

That's unfair, we don't have just beans for breakfast. There's beans on toast, beans with sausage and egg and bacon and hash browns...


I really wish I hadn't skipped breakfast before coming to work now

 

[Phyr_Negator]

From radio communications btween canadians and americans near Newfoundland in 1995.
Americans:
-Please change your course to 15 degrees to the north, or impact is inevitable.
Canadians:
- WE are suggesting that YOU have to change YOUR course to 15 degrees to the south.
Americans:
- Captain of USA Navy speaking. I repeat, change your course!
Canadians:
- No. I repeat: YOU change YOUR course.
Americans:
-THIS IS THE CAPITAL SHIP OF UNITED STATES OF AMERCA'S NAVAL FORCES! CHANGE YOUR COURSE AT ONCE!
Canadians:
- And this is lighthouse. I repeat, LIGHTHOUSE!

 

[Commy]

 

[RoboPig]

During WWII, the italians developed a radical new tank. it had three gears in reverse (for those retreating italians) and one in forward (in case they were attacked from behind )

 

[FriendlyFire]

Is there a "search" function ?

I want to repost my "real"
spearman vs tank story.

 

[Pokurcz]

This one may already have been mentioned (I haven't read everything yet):

The Koran was actualy not written in arabic, I don't remember the name of the language actualy used (its rather long, "something something arameic" or thereabouts). Many transalations were made but one from the tenth century ad stuck as the most widely spread and is now the basis of the official one today.

I read about this a cuple of years ago in a newspaper, there was a new thourough study made by a scholar residing in germany who did not sign his work with his real name out of fear. He had studied the original texts and the most comon transalation mentioned above. In that transalation the transalator frequently admitted that he did not understand large parts of the text, commenting in the margin with "Only God knows what he means by that" and the likes.

Now to the entertaining part (or the one thing I remember of it):

The transalation in the Arabic Koran that states the deal with the 71 (perl eyed) virgins in paradise for the martyr is very wrong. Apparently the original states that you will recieve 71 pearllike grapes. Grapes being a sign of good fortune and joy or something in the middle east in those days.

 

[El_Tigre]

The transalation in the Arabic Koran that states the deal with the 71 (perl eyed) virgins in paradise for the martyr is very wrong. Apparently the original states that you will recieve 71 pearllike grapes. Grapes being a sign of good fortune and joy or something in the middle east in those days.

You can read more about this here:
http://www.corkscrew-balloon.com/02/03/1bkk/04b.html

Apparently, history itself is the best comedian.