Historical Joke Thread

[Lockesdonkey]

Great. This thread turned into an anti-French and anti-American bash-fest. Great work, people.

Allow me to defend myself:

I like the French. I am simply an equal-opportunity joke-maker, and my history teacher had this posted on the wall (FYI, he is also equal-opportunity; he spices up the lessons with jokes about just about every nation or person he mentions). The French thing was what sprang to mind.

I will warn everyone: if I find a good joke, I post it, and I don't care who it makes fun of. Prepare to be injured. I laugh at Arab jokes too, just so you know. I consider people who do not appreciate humor, especially the kind which is potentially insulting to them, to be uncivilized and immature.

Thank you.
[/soapbox]

 

[Verbose]

Allow me to defend myself:

I like the French. I am simply an equal-opportunity joke-maker, and my history teacher had this posted on the wall (FYI, he is also equal-opportunity; he spices up the lessons with jokes about just about every nation or person he mentions). The French thing was what sprang to mind.

I will warn everyone: if I find a good joke, I post it, and I don't care who it makes fun of. Prepare to be injured. I laugh at Arab jokes too, just so you know. I consider people who do not appreciate humor, especially the kind which is potentially insulting to them, to be uncivilized and immature.

Thank you.
[/soapbox]

Fire away!

Only remember, jokes are deadly in France.
"Nothing kills as effectively as ridicule" (approximately), Voltaire

 

[Stefan Haertel]

Do you know any Historical Threads that didn't?

I think there was a thread about Koxinga of Taiwan in 2002 that managed to escape that fate

EDIT: Nope, not quite

 

[Lockesdonkey]

This isn't strictly a joke, but...

History of a Gesture
The Origins of the Bird

It is quite possibly one of the most common gestures on the planet. It is certainly the most common obscene one, and the one most often seen on the road. But how did the Bird (or the finger, or whatever you call it) come to be? It is a strange story, and it begins over six hundred years ago...

During the Hundred Years' War, one of the main reasons the English were so successful in battle after battle was the skill of their archers and the strength of the English longbow. I beleive that everyone on this site is familiar with the specifics of the longbow, so I won't go into details--except that in order for an English yeoman to draw the bowstring, he needed (for whatever reason) his middle finger. Thus, in order to preserve French lives, whenever the French took English prisoners, they would cut off the prisoners' middle fingers, rendering them incapable of firing their bows.

Because of this, when the English won a battle, they would show their still-attached middle fingers to the retreating French, to in effect say "haha, I can still shoot at you!", giving us our familiar Bird. Ever since, it has been used to express extreme displeasure with somebody else.

Where the association of this particular gesture with a particular phrase requesting that the insulted party perform an anatomical impossibily is not known.

 

[Irish Caesar]

I had thought this gesture was known to Aristotle, making it much older than the English or French nations.

But I'm not sure on that...

 

[Blasphemous]

I heard that similarly, the origin of "f-ck you" is in fact "pluck yew", as the longbow was made of yew and one would pluck to fire it. But I also heard that this is not true as the obscenity is American by origin, and not English.
The finger thing sounds sensible though.

EDIT: Whoops-a-wiki

 

[Kyriakos]

There is the famous bit of sarcasm by oscar wylde:
"USA is the only country in history which went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between"

 

[privatehudson]

IIRC he was also listening to an American witter on about the glory of Columbus since he discovered the New World. Wilde's reponse was something like "Oh no, it's been discovered before, they just kept it hushed up"

 

[Lockesdonkey]

When Rome was invaded, they fought back with swords.
When Egypt was invaded, they fought back by making the invaders Egyptians.
When India was invaded, they fought back with Carnatic music.

 

[Blasphemous]

Which reminds me of one that I thought up:

The difference between war and sex

Spoiler :

War: I came, I saw, I conquered

Spoiler :

Sex: I saw, I conquered, I came

 

[FriendlyFire]

Real fact:

General Patton who during a wargame used a "creative" move to win the game but was told it was impossible actually got to use the very same move in During the battle of the Budlge.

He wrote on the Map showing where and how it worked and sent it back.
it read " I told you it would fcuking work"

(it is now proudly on display at westpoint)

 

[Gelion]

Don't let this die... please!

 

[nonconformist]

Hey....Gelion's back!

 

[nonconformist]

Prava, July 1971:

Today, Boris Vladimirovitch Doystosoyev was arrested in Red Square for Shouting "Comrade Brezhnev is brain-dead".
He was promptly given 21 years hard labour in siberia for his comment.
1 year for slander, and 20 years for revealing a state secret.

 

[Gelion]

I AM

Here's one:

World War One: during offensive in the Carpathians, the 8th army of General Brusilov had to take Lutsk. Storm of Lutsk has been given to the 4th ("Iron") brigade of general Denikin, however all its efforts were in vain.
Then Brusilov has decided to play on Denikin's "ambition" and his soldiers. Simultaneously it was entrusted to storm the city by 30th corps of general Zajonchkovsky. Zajonchkovsky decalred in his order to the Corps that Lutsk was to be taken by his troops as Iron Brigade could not accomplish this task.
Certainly the order has deeply touched Denikin and soon his soldiers have taken Lutsk, and the general has rushed into city in the forefront on the car. It was immediately been reported to Brusilov. After a while Brusilov receives an official report from Zajonchkovsky where he reports on a capture of Lutsk by the troops of the 30th Corps.
Witty Brusilov commented: "... and also captured general Denikin ".

[pard me for the automated translation]

 

[Yellowbelly]

Napoleonic Wars

Italian folk saying:- I Francese sono ladri; non tutti ma Bonaparte! (The French are thieves; not all but a good part - pun on Napoleon's nane)

 

[Yellowbelly]

Napoleonic wars (again)

(Attributed to one of Napoleon's Marshals - Ney, I think) -
"Spain is a countrey in which large armies starve - and small armies get beaten."

 

[privatehudson]

It was originally said by Henry IV of France, though the thought clearly held great relevance for the French Marshals stuggling there, especially Massena before the lines of Torres Vedras. His army was too small to storm Wellington's fortified line and too big to feed itself in that region. After obstinately staying put most of the winter and loosing many men to starvation and disease Massena finally got the message.

Of course the lines are in Portugal, but it's the just about best example of the quote being true (if you replace Spain with Iberian Penninsula) during that period.

 

[Gelion]

I think this is a real story. Sorry if it was posted before:

Frankfurt International Airport. Planes land and take off every five minutes. One of the first Aeroflot (Soviet Arilines) planes is about to land. It misses the landing strip breakinng the whole schedule.
Flight controller to the plane:
- What are you doing? You've never been to Frankfurt before?!!
- I have, but in 1943 and we did not land then....

 

[fing0lfin]

I know on similar

A journalist is asking an old German man :
Have you ever been to Russia ?
The old German:
Yes
Journalist: Did you liked it ?
The old German:
No, it was terrible. The roads were crappy, some guys was shooting at my car all the time and somebody threw a bomb at it. When the Russian officers came, i tried to explane that somebody blasted my car, but i got arrested and went in jail for some years.
Journalist: When did all these happaned ?
The old German:
In 1943.