[RD] I'm transitioning. If you've ever been confused about the T in LGBT, ask me anything

[Vectors]

No, but I'd not want to date a girl and find out afterward that she wasn't Jewish.

Have you considered asking them if they are Jewish? If marrying a Jew is so important you should probably ask.

 

[Omega124]

Have you considered asking them if they are Jewish? If marrying a Jew is so important you should probably ask.

That's pretty much what I've been saying all along. I'm not advocating lying about being trans, but if that's so important to you, generic OT user, why don't you just ask?

And then be prepared for the most likely cisgirl slapping you for what could be connotated as a pretty rude question but your funeral

 

[Mouthwash]

That's pretty much what I've been saying all along. I'm not advocating lying about being trans, but if that's so important to you, generic OT user, why don't you just ask?

People assume that some random person is going to be cis. It's just a matter of odds.

 

[Omega124]

People assume that some random person is going to be cis. It's just a matter of odds.

Right. I don't dispute that. So?

Being Jewish statistically is pretty rare too. Wotldwide, jews only make .2% of the global population. Should all Jews have to announce their Jewish identity for all the Nazis in the world who'd be disgusted at poking kosher honey?

 

[Mouthwash]

Right. I don't dispute that. So?

Being Jewish statistically is pretty rare too. Wotldwide, jews only make .2% of the global population. Should all Jews have to announce their Jewish identity for all the Nazis in the world who'd be disgusted at poking kosher honey?

You know I live in Israel, right? Even if I wasn't, I'd use specifically Jewish venues to find a partner (if a Jew is looking for dates among the general population it's safe to say that they aren't bothered by intermarriage).

 

[emzie]

You know I live in Israel, right? Even if I wasn't, I'd use specifically Jewish venues to find a partner (if a Jew is looking for dates among the general population it's safe to say that they aren't bothered by intermarriage).

Now to bring this back on topic, if no one can force you to date someone you don't want to date, what's your issue?

The single biggest talking point of the gay marriage movement was that it didn't interfere with straight people or their relationships, but I'm beginning to think that was a steaming load of hokey.

 

[Mouthwash]

Now to bring this back on topic, if no one can force you to date someone you don't want to date, what's your issue?

They're not forcing anyone, just marking them as bigots and thereby outcasts from decent society if they don't accept transwomen as objects of desire equivalent to ciswomen.

 

[Farm Boy]

This is very nearly a non-issue Mouthwash? Ask early and up front if your desired partner is interested in having children and family building. If so, then how? I married a ciswoman that can't have biological children. We had to have a series of relatively important conversations about the nature of our relationship and both our lives.

Correction then. This isn't a non-issue, but it seems like it's a standard, unchanged, vanilla issue when it comes to relationships. I'm pretty stick-in-the-mud and I'd need a compelling argument to even understand why this should be on anyone's radar.

 

[Omega124]

You know I live in Israel, right? Even if I wasn't, I'd use specifically Jewish venues to find a partner (if a Jew is looking for dates among the general population it's safe to say that they aren't bothered by intermarriage).

Yes. I knew that, which is why I used that example.

Trans people are a majority if you limit your reference pool to just "people who live in my dorm", since that comprises of... just me.

Just because you live in a statistical anomaly (and even then, if you accept Palestine as a part of Israel, jews go back to being a minority) doesn't change the fact that, looking at worldwide trends, I'm just as much of a minority as you are.

They're not forcing anyone, just markingthem as bigots and thereby outcasts fromdecent society if they don't accept transwomen as objects of desire equivalent to ciswomen.

That's because we are.

 

[emzie]

They're not forcing anyone, just marking them as bigots and thereby outcasts from decent society if they don't accept transwomen as objects of desire equivalent to ciswomen.

I really don't give a damn if people accept me as an object of desire or not (to be clear though, a lot do ). I just want my legal rights respected by my government.

 

[Mouthwash]

Yes. I knew that, which is why I used that example.

Trans people are a majority if you limit your reference pool to just "people who live in my dorm", since that comprises of... just me.

Just because you live in a statistical anomaly (and even then, if you accept Palestine as a part of Israel, jews go back to being a minority) doesn't change the fact that, looking at worldwide trends, I'm just as much of a minority as you are.



That's because we are.

I really don't give a damn if people accept me as an object of desire or not (to be clear though, a lot do ). I just want my legal rights respected by my government.

You two remember I was responding to Owen calling everybody who didn't see trans people as potential partners bigots?

 

[Lexicus]

So, in one of the many left-wing Facebook groups I'm part of, there was a thread where people were saying it is transphobic to refuse to sleep with someone on the basis of their genitals. Context being, say you as a hetero cis man date a person who presents as female, but then you refuse to have sex with her when you find out she has a penis.
Do you think this is transphobic? Also interested in just general thoughts on this sort of thing.
Sorry if it's been dealt with in the thread before.

 

[emzie]

So, in one of the many left-wing Facebook groups I'm part of, there was a thread where people were saying it is transphobic to refuse to sleep with someone on the basis of their genitals. Context being, say you as a hetero cis man date a person who presents as female, but then you refuse to have sex with her when you find out she has a penis.
Do you think this is transphobic? Also interested in just general thoughts on this sort of thing.
Sorry if it's been dealt with in the thread before.

No, I don't think it is. Sex is a deeply personal thing and if there's something that you can't overlook, then that's understandable. I think it's unfortunate (and hey, a hole's a hole) but not transphobic.

Now, if you're gonna treat one of us differently outside the bedroom, then that's another issue.

 

[Omega124]

So, in one of the many left-wing Facebook groups I'm part of, there was a thread where people were saying it is transphobic to refuse to sleep with someone on the basis of their genitals. Context being, say you as a hetero cis man date a person who presents as female, but then you refuse to have sex with her when you find out she has a penis.
Do you think this is transphobic? Also interested in just general thoughts on this sort of thing.
Sorry if it's been dealt with in the thread before.

Personally, if I was dating a person who wouldn't want to be with me because I was pre-op, knowing that I was trying to transition, I would consider it literal transphobia but I also wouldn't die over that hill or relationship.

That being said, I don't even want to use my penis for any kind of sex. I would feel incredibly awkward over it, let alone my partner. Thus, in both of my relationships, we've mutually (and on my insistence and not theirs) agreed to not have any sort of sexual contact involving my genitillia until I have the right parts. Not no sex at all, just not involving my bits.

 

[Lexicus]

No, I don't think it is. Sex is a deeply personal thing and if there's something that you can't overlook, then that's understandable. I think it's unfortunate (and hey, a hole's a hole) but not transphobic.

Well, I took that position too. It almost sounded rape-y to me when it was put that way (like, isn't "you're obligated to have sex with someone" a pretty big violation of consent?)...but then I also thought, wouldn't we describe someone not wanting to sleep with any black person as racist, and isn't that sort of problematic (again,though, obviously the solution is not "have sex with a black person even though you don't want to")?
I think if a trans person presents as the (a?) gender you're attracted to and has genitals you like, but you wouldn't sleep with them only because they were trans, that would be problematic.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

Personally, if I was dating a person who wouldn't want to be with me because I was pre-op, knowing that I was trying to transition, I would consider it literal transphobia.

I know here you only say "be with", which could mean several things, but the question you were replying to was talking about sleeping with, so I'll assume you mean that. Correct me if I'm wrong.

So my question is this. Your statement implies that whether or not you consider it transphobia for a partner to not want to sleep with you is dependent, not on your present physical characteristics, but on what you plan to do in the future. Is that right? Why would you
not consider it transphobic if you had no plans to transition, but would if you have those plans, given that the body you have in the here and now is independent of those plans?

 

[dusters]

I have read probably almost all of this topic, but I'm not sure if my input would any kind of valuable, anyway, it goes like this:

I was more or less intersexual when I started transitioning more towards feminine body.

At the beginning I had small breasts, non working penis and an identity of a feminine person. Now, 11 years later, I have bigger breasts ( 1 inch to B size, so huge A), still non-working penis, but it feels like something very different from penis altogether and an identity of somewhat genderfluid person with like 95% disposition towards feminine, if not ultra feminine side.

So, my question to contre and Megan would be - am I right that I have never called myself a transsexual? I had to lie a lot to get access to hormones, because one doc labeled me as a transgender which, ironically, I may be actually.

My point is that transsexuals change sex from m to f, or f to m. I'm changing sex from intersexual to female. To me it is more like a correction of what I already had, than a complete opposite.

 

[Omega124]

I know here you only say "be with", which could mean several things, but the question you were replying to was talking about sleeping with, so I'll assume you mean that. Correct me if I'm wrong.

So my question is this. Your statement implies that whether or not you consider it transphobia for a partner to not want to sleep with you is dependent, not on your present physical characteristics, but on what you plan to do in the future. Is that right? Why would you
not consider it transphobic if you had no plans to transition, but would if you have those plans, given that the body you have in the here and now is independent of those plans?

A very good question! Glad you asked.

I said be with, because, honestly, at this point of my life, I find it literally unfathomable to have sex with my current parts. Even thinking about it just makes me revolted. Like.....



I mean, and sorry if this is too NSFW for you, at most I'd be willing to do anal if I was the bottom only. Anything more makes me uncomfortable. While I don't dare to assume I speak for all transwomen, and perhaps contre was fine with pre-op sex, I know I'm not, so I recontextualized the question in a way I could personally better awnser it. Because no pre-op relationship I am in is going to have sex beyond most likely me giving head.

The reason why I am more ok with a person balking out of a relationship if the person has no intention to transition because even I realize sex is ultimately a fundamental part of a relationship (not that you cant have a chaste relationship, but its rare for a reason). If you are not going to enjoy the sex because you want to slam the ham and some salami is there instead, well, I can't really fault the person for being uneasy. And if the person has no intention to transition, then that relationship is probably doomed anyways because someone will be unhappy with the arrangment. And that would be the case even without trans idendity in the picture; if two people have widely different expectations of sex, someone is going to resent their partner.

However, if the person is going to have the operation, and you truely do like them, I think its only fair to stick around and let them have the oppritunity to show off their correct parts. They have been dreaming of that moment for years themselves, and they would want nothing more than their new field to be plowed.

 

[Omega124]

I have read probably almost all of this topic, but I'm not sure if my input would any kind of valuable, anyway, it goes like this:

I was more or less intersexual when I started transitioning more towards feminine body.

At the beginning I had small breasts, non working penis and an identity of a feminine person. Now, 11 years later, I have bigger breasts ( 1 inch to B size, so huge A), still non-working penis, but it feels like something very different from penis altogether and an identity of somewhat genderfluid person with like 95% disposition towards feminine, if not ultra feminine side.

So, my question to contre and Megan would be - am I right that I have never called myself a transsexual? I had to lie a lot to get access to hormones, because one doc labeled me as a transgender which, ironically, I may be actually.

My point is that transsexuals change sex from m to f, or f to m. I'm changing sex from intersexual to female. To me it is more like a correction of what I already had, than a complete opposite.

If you think you're trans, then you're trans. If you think intersex/genderqueer/etc labels you better, then you should use that instead. Ultimately, what you identify as is up to you. We can't tell you how you feel.

That being said, I don't see why an intersex person can't be seen as a transwoman if said person wants to transition into a feminine body. For being trans is more about the destination than the journey, imo.

 

[emzie]

So, my question to contre and Megan would be - am I right that I have never called myself a transsexual? I had to lie a lot to get access to hormones, because one doc labeled me as a transgender which, ironically, I may be actually.

My point is that transsexuals change sex from m to f, or f to m. I'm changing sex from intersexual to female. To me it is more like a correction of what I already had, than a complete opposite.

I don't think there's a difference between the two. I don't call myself transsexual and I doubt I will in the future. The term sounds antiquated to my ears now. In English, it always (unfairly) had a negative connotation that implied transitioning was a sexual thing. Some older transwomen I know describe themselves as transsexual, but I don't think I've heard it from someone under 40. In common usage, transgender is the same thing as transsexual.

I mean, and sorry if this is too NSFW for you, at most I'd be willing to do anal if I was the bottom only. Anything more makes me uncomfortable. While I don't dare to assume I speak for all transwomen, and perhaps contre was fine with pre-op sex, I know I'm not, so I recontextualized the question in a way I could personally better awnser it. Because no pre-op relationship I am in is going to have sex beyond most likely me giving head.

I wouldn't say I'm fine with it. I'm capable of burying my feelings and enjoying myself, but I still feel disgusting after. And sometimes in the moment.

As you said, transition is a journey and you discover a lot along the way.