[RD] I'm transitioning. If you've ever been confused about the T in LGBT, ask me anything

[warpus]

I realize this isn't a question, but I dislike the term CIS because it reminds me of the Commonwealth of Independent States. Here's a question though - if I dislike that term and am offended by it, is that a valid position to take? Can I refuse to self-identify as cis?

 

[caketastydelish]

It also is related to my University major - Computer Information Systems.

It also is related to the Confederation of Independent Systems from Star Wars.

I, for one, want something else.

 

[warpus]

I'm serious. It honestly does always remind me of Russia and the Soviet Union and so on. Which is not in itself a bad thing, but I don't want to associate with that

 

[gay_Aleks]

Really.

That's just childish. Like, I'm an Eastern European, much like you, and the last thing I relate cis is CIS, the international organisation. This is just ridiculous.

 

[caketastydelish]

Sure, but that's beside the point. We have the right to take offense to something we don't like. Otherwise, stop telling the Washington Redskins they have to change their name, among other things.

 

[warpus]

Isn't self-identification an important thing that I should be able to dictate as I wish? Isn't that a thing? Each time I see the letters CIS my brain immediately sees a map of central Asia and so on. This is not something I can really control. So I don't like being called that.

It honestly doesn't really impact me, I never ever see the term "CIS" thrown around anywhere except for in social justice type threads online, and very rarely so. That's probably why I have issues with it. If it was a common mainstream term my brain would probably come to terms with it and push the other definition to the side. But it's not mainstream at all and I don't like it. Just how I feel. It doesn't sit well with me. I would prefer to be called something else instead. Again, not a huge deal since almost nobody uses this term in real life, but.. if we're on the cusp on it becoming an accepted mainstream term, I would like to voice my opposition to it, in case it becomes a lot more mainstream.

It does sound rather silly, but I feel like I should be able to say what I self-identify as and what names I don't want to be called and so on. Where do we draw the line here? Don't individuals have the right to say "I don't self-identify as that term, please stop calling me that" ? Even if the reason sounds stupid to you? It sounds stupid to me too, but I can't control my brain's knee-jerk reaction to it.

 

[Synobun]

Moderator Action: This is not the place for a debate, especially a debate for cis individuals complaining about being cis. If you want to make an argument that "cis" is an offensive term because it reminds you of a Soviet acronym, you can do so in a separate thread.

 

[warpus]

Self-identification is an important part of being trans (I thought), so I was asking how self-identification applies in my case from a trans point of view. Not a good question? Not worded the best way? Offensive? No malicious intent on my part. Feel free to ignore my question if it doesn't belong here. I did not intend to debate, I did not think I worded my post in a way that would imply a debate on my part. Was honestly curious to hear how my point of view might look from the pov of someone who is transitioning or already has. I don't fully understand all ramifications and details of self-identification and those who are transitioning seem to have to deal with this issue quite a bit, so it seemed like a good place to ask. Again, I do not control the way my brain interprets some terms, so that's just pure honesty there, not an attempt to be a jerk. My brain honestly takes some acronyms and identifies them with one particular thing in some cases and I have no way to control that. So in this case I would prefer to be called something else. My question again: Is this a valid request on my part? Does self-identification not work this way? Was what I was asking offensive?

Moderator Action: Your question, by itself, is fine. Your thoughts aren't offensive. This thread just isn't the place for the ensuing discussion. It belongs in a different thread dedicated to that subject, not in a thread for trans individuals to answer questions and share their experiences. As always, debate in an "Ask A ___" thread is against the rules, especially when the debate is about something only tangentially related to the subject matter.

This reply is PDMA, so that's a two point infraction. I sent you a PM with a little more clarification. - Vincour
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889

 

[Evie]

Meg - mock trial? You studying law?

 

[Omega124]

Meg - mock trial? You studying law?

Its an avenue I am possibly exploring. I am currently an undergrad sophmore with a political science/history double major. I really enjoyed (and did well in) mock trial, and I am taking moot court next semester as a junior. So, who knows? Maybe I will do law school when I graduate? Maybe I will go for a masters or even a PhD. All I really know is that my parents are at least willing to support me in postgrad studies, and as long as that's on the table, I am going to be continuing school once I get my bachelor's.

 

[Evie]

Good Also, from one transgendered lawyer to a transgendered potential law student : studying law is fun.

 

[Evie]

Sorry for the double post, but felt the occasion was important enough (and the delay between the two posts sufficient) to warrant it : as of ten minutes ago, I'm officially on hormones . Got my prescription yesterday, just took my first dose.

 

[KaiserElectric]

Congratulations!

 

[emzie]

I'm coming up on 5 years into transition. I have some paperwork to finish up (a few IDs to update still) and I need to figure out how to vote again in the US. I have bottom surgery tentatively scheduled for 2021, without a specific date yet.

This has all been one wild ride. Not all my views stayed intact over this time, and trans culture is evolving at internet speeds. I feel like I can't keep up at times. I thought I'd bump this, as there are questions that weren't on anyone's radar in 2016, and some of my views have changed drastically when they came into contact with the real world.

I have a daughter-in-transness now (@Evie) and even a grandson-in-transness. Somehow my daughter is older than I am, and I think my grandson is older than her again.

 

[MaryKB]

What does daughter-in-transness and grandson-in-transness mean?

Having gone through your experience, what advice would you have for someone who wants to be an ally? I have a friend who is going through her transition right now (she came out to me first, we used to work together and she trusts me), and I want to do whatever I can to support her (her family has basically disowned her)

 

[Synobun]

What are your thoughts on the shifting view on "used to be a [x]"? It is no longer acceptable to say that a trans man used to be a woman, and vice versa. (At least, it seems this way to me. I admit my exposure is mostly via Twitter and Tumblr, and it seems this is a shift that has happened in recent years. Please correct me if I'm just fundamentally wrong on this.)

As crude as it sounds, do you ever refer to yourself how you "used to be" or do you see it as you've always been who you are today? How should other people treat this if they ask about the past? Is it rude to ask about their experience while they weren't presenting as the gender they truly are?

I'm sorry if that came across totally disrespectful. The only trans friend I've ever had made jokes and had a fairly stereotypical "bro" sense of humour about it all. He always talked about the past as "when I was a woman" and I have no idea if that's generally acceptable or if he was just an extreme outlier. Beyond that friendship I've never been in a position to really get to know a trans individual's past, but I suspect it'll be inevitable. And I would like to not poison the well, so to speak, before even getting started.

 

[emzie]

What does daughter-in-transness and grandson-in-transness mean?

It's mentorship, really. I brought her with me to a peer support group. Answered questions, gave advice. Tossed around ideas for names and the like. She now has a transman for whom she is that person. His name is Tom. She took him to the same peer support group, and I met him there!

Having gone through your experience, what advice would you have for someone who wants to be an ally? I have a friend who is going through her transition right now (she came out to me first, we used to work together and she trusts me), and I want to do whatever I can to support her (her family has basically disowned her)

There is SO much you can do as a ciswoman to help give a transwoman cover. Is she afraid to shop for clothing or makeup on her own? If you go with her, you're her shield. Also. based on pictures, you have excellent style. You've been refining makeup and hair and wardrobe since you were a teen. Your coworker is years, even decades behind. Giving advice on clothing that's complements her body, and teaching her how to the basics of makeup goes such a long way. Many transwomen won't know how to apply makeup -- like they don't realize they need to blend foundation down their neck or they end up with clown face, they don't realize there's such thing as too much blush or that blue eyeshadow on its own looks odd. They don't know what pallets are complementary for their skin tone. Even if you don't know those things, again, going with them to a place like Sephora (where they are happy to do consults for transwomen) is *amazing*. My wife did much of this for me.

 

[emzie]

What are your thoughts on the shifting view on "used to be a [x]"? It is no longer acceptable to say that a trans man used to be a woman, and vice versa. (At least, it seems this way to me. I admit my exposure is mostly via Twitter and Tumblr, and it seems this is a shift that has happened in recent years. Please correct me if I'm just fundamentally wrong on this.)

As crude as it sounds, do you ever refer to yourself how you "used to be" or do you see it as you've always been who you are today? How should other people treat this if they ask about the past? Is it rude to ask about their experience while they weren't presenting as the gender they truly are?

There's two different perspectives being considered here and I think both are right. To a cis person, I was a man, I am now a woman. That's what history looks like and it's the easiest way to grasp the concept. From my own point of view, though, it's not as if something happened to me that flipped the gender switch at 28. I've always been a woman, even before I knew what all my feelings meant.

I'm pretty open about my past, I even saved a cancelled ID just to have a picture to show incredulous people. I might say something like "when I was a dude" but that's shorthand for "when I *thought* and *acted* as if I was a dude"

edit:

Spoiler cancelled ID :

Probably shouldn't ask people about their past. It's a minefield question. Some of us don't care, some of us would be deeply hurt. The better you know the person, the better you'll know these boundaries. For instance, your friend:

The only trans friend I've ever had made jokes and had a fairly stereotypical "bro" sense of humour about it all. He always talked about the past as "when I was a woman" and I have no idea if that's generally acceptable or if he was just an extreme outlier. Beyond that friendship I've never been in a position to really get to know a trans individual's past, but I suspect it'll be inevitable. And I would like to not poison the well, so to speak, before even getting started.

Sounds a lot like me. He's not an outlier, but it's a totally individual thing.

 

[MaryKB]

Thank you kindly for your advice. I've been helping her with her makeup, and she really does like taking me shopping with her. I took her to my salon (which is very trans-friendly), because she didn't know that when you're growing your hair you need to constantly go get it taken care of, otherwise it'll break and you won't be able to grow it.

Do you remember your early moments when you felt really casually accepted as your real gender? What kinds of things did people unconsciously do that just made you feel really good?

I was out with my friend for lunch a few weeks ago, and she was really excited because our server asked us if we want to split the check. I didn't understand at first, but realized it's because she saw us as two women instead of a man and woman (on a date I guess?) She was really happy about this.

 

[aimeeandbeatles]

What are your thoughts on the shifting view on "used to be a [x]"? It is no longer acceptable to say that a trans man used to be a woman, and vice versa. (At least, it seems this way to me. I admit my exposure is mostly via Twitter and Tumblr, and it seems this is a shift that has happened in recent years. Please correct me if I'm just fundamentally wrong on this.)

On that topic, if you are talking about some event that happened when the person hadn't yet transitioned, should you use their old pronouns, or the current ones?