Election 2000
“Good Morning America ! This is Stephen Colbert, Senior Political Consultant for Fox News. The Election of 2000 has been hard fought, with the candidates covering issues from the lack of a unified American state to the survival of the struggling farmers in the West. Here to join me is Political Science Professor Bernard Goldberg. Bernard?”
“Ah yes, thank you Colbert. As you all know, Smith, Gore, and Stassen are all vying for the position of President. The Gore-Rodham Ticket had a huge early lead. Of the three parties, only the Democrats have an established election history. Most cities have Democrat mayors; all but a few states have Democrat governors. Hell, the Democrats have had a monopoly on government since ’94. But I think the people are tired of that. President Kennedy has had too many shortcomings. His failure to prevent the South’s seceding, his loss of the Western states to the Mormon Church, his blunderings in China, and his own personal scandals, including his numerous affairs with White House Secretaries has left America yearning for change. Then you’ve got Smith, brilliant man. Smith has really rallied the people in the years leading up to this election. He’s been busy, contacting people from all over to get them campaigning for the Liberty Party. His alliance with Lieberman has split the Democrats Party base, and he stands on solid ground. The dark horse here though, is Stassen. His campaigning energy, coupled with Cheney’s experience, as well as his Midwestern background has really helped carry him, and has had a heavy base of support with the west and south. It actually is coming down pretty close, and I honestly think whoever wins this debate will win this election.”
“Good thoughts Bernard. As you know, I will be facilitating the debate here in Braintree Massachusetts . Question one goes to all candidates. What do you propose to do with the meltdown in the situation in East Asia . Gore?”
“As president, the Federation has commitments to its allies. ASEAN is under attack, and I have responded swiftly in pulling together the Chicago Pact for action. With this coalition, we will be sure for victory.”
“Ok then, Smith?”
“The American people do not need this conflict. Earlier, President Kennedy had talks with China , but their regime ended them. I believe though that military action should not be used. If elected, I will immediately halt any fighting done by American troops, and begin four way talks with China , ASEAN, and FEAR. If China does not agree to halt its aggression, I will work with FEAR and the Comintern, as well as the Islamic bloc to impose sanctions on China as well as a blockade. However, I will do anything in my power to prevent the outbreak of fighting.”
“Hmm, terrible answer, but fine. Stassen?”
“The regime in China is unstable, unethical, and worse, undemocratic. My predecessors tried to reason with them, but that is where they failed. You cannot negotiate with the terrorists in Changde. If President, America , along with the other nations of Democracy, will combat the tyranny rampant in China , and we will liberate their people from the oppression of Communism. Democracy must be preserved.”
“Fantastic response Mr. Stassen. Our next question is back on the home front. The farmers of the south and the west have hit some hard times. They have low prices for crops, and heavy tax burdens, and over 33% of farms are in danger of foreclosure within the year, and 50% more by the end of five years. What will each of you do as President? Gore?”
“The American people need their farmers for their lives. As President, I will assure the American farmers get a fair deal, with debt relief programs, and if the farms are eventually for closed, we will work with them to work out their life, while sustaining them with unemployment relief.”
“I see, Smith?”
“Well as President, my administration will be centered on lowering taxes. With myself as President, those farmers will not have to worry about those burdensome taxes the Kennedy administration put upon them. With the power of their free spirit and the free market, the farmers will prosper.”
“Uh-huh, Stassen?”
“During my campaign, I have made farmers one of my priorities. As President, I would return all foreclosed farms back to their rightful owners, away from the corrupt Democrat corporations. I would provide federal funding to relieve the farmers, as well as selling productive farm equipment to them at a reduced price, as to make the farms more productive.”
“Once again, a superb response from Mr. Stassen, a true American hero. The next question will be the final one. The American people are for the first time, truly divided. We need a leader, and the American Federation is in that position to shape the destiny of the continent. As President, what would you do? Gore?”
“The American Federation is perfect the way it is. We need a strong defense on the borders, but past that, we have no need to do anything. They are democracies, we do not need to fight.”
“Mhm, Smith?”
“As President, I would seek to enter the New North American Alliance, and to try to influence these members into joining the Chicago Pact. We need peace in America , and only alliance can accomplish this.”
“Terrible response Smith, absolutely crap. You better get the hell out of here. Finally, Stassen?”
“Well Colbert, its obvious isn’t it? The exclusion of the American Federation from the new North American Alliance can only mean one thing. These former brothers aim to do nothing more than suffocate the last free land of the former country. They feel that if we fall, they will be free to pursue fascism and communism. Under my administration, those break away states will have two options. They are either with us, or against us.”
“Fantastic response Mr. Stassen! Bra-vo! Spectacular! You nailed it! Wow! I feel that this debate says it all, and I can’t wait for the election next week. Remember, Unity Party Votes November 3rd, Liberty Party November 10th, and the Democrats November 11th. Till next time, I’m Stephen Colbert, hoping you, a happy election!”
On a related note, I enjoyed the somewhat history-book style of your orders. Guess you're learning something.
. But, that's at the end of the school year 
