Long Distance Relationships

[holy king]

Long-distance relationships have so far been my omnipresent curse...

I traveled 11,000 km to see a partner in one of those. I've been at least 30 times around my country to see various partners of those, and lots of times abroad. About half of the girlfriends I've had don't speak my language. I've made girlfriends in most places I've traveled to, unless I already had one at the time, or was in a consciously open relationship, of course. Right now I am in one, and the girl actually lives closest to me from all my previous international ones (see the bolded part if you read this. I'm not an @#hole, but you already know that, right...? Right?).
And I hate this. So far, every time I've been out of a relationship, I make another one somewhere halfway around the world and suffer as it fails to become anything. I don't want this any more. We, artists, are strays. I know it sounds cliche, but we don't have a home. The whole world is our home. You can't understand how true this is, unless you're one of those people yourself. And trust me, it's got its disadvantages.

you need to develop a view on such short term relationships that is healthier for you.

 

[soul_warrior]

cool! im not saying it wont work at all, but I know a few people that did meet there significant other in high school. I'm still in high school (last year woo!) so I'm not too worried of getting married yet lol

just so every one knows,
im 36, so i've been a few years away from high school.
my better half is 29, and just finished school

so yes, were both elderly in OT standards

 

[Mirc]

you need to develop a view on such short term relationships that is healthier for you.

I'm very good at one-night-stands (well not in my city, somehow I just cannot relate to local girls). However, they start to suck if you're doing them for 2 years with nothing serious in between. No, don't get me wrong, they are way better than nothing.

 

[El Justo]

good luck w/ the wedding plans etc soul_warrior you'll need it!

 

[holy king]

I'm very good at one-night-stands (well not in my city, somehow I just cannot relate to local girls). However, they start to suck if you're doing them for 2 years with nothing serious in between. No, don't get me wrong, they are way better than nothing.

it doesnt have to be a one night stand, just saying that accepting from the start that a certain relationship willl only last for the next, say, 2 months and then that was that might be helpful.

edit: you're 17. forget about that, fall in love and get your heart broken, dammit.

 

[Mirc]

it doesnt have to be a one night stand, just saying that accepting from the start that a certain relationship willl only last for the next, say, 2 months and then that was that might be helpful.

I've done that many times. I just get attached to many people, I get the same feeling with no-more-than-just-friends (of all sexes) too. It's not like I'm going to kill myself over this. I've never been down because of ending a relationship (in fact I don't know many people to get over it so fast), but I'm terrified when I realize lack of future, vanity of action.

I don't think I've ever "fallen in love", or got "heartbroken". In fact, I'm saving it all for later. I'd rather have the sensory pleasure now and the attachment later.


Edit: Also, I don't really like it when somebody entirely changes their view of me based on my age, it seems... condescending. But it's just human nature, nothing I can do about it.

 

[soul_warrior]

good luck w/ the wedding plans etc soul_warrior you'll need it!

brother, you called it!
but i think i may have grasped the understanding of "SHE IS BOSS"
i just go where im told....
i will stand up for those firm beliefs, but in everything else, i KNOW i have no say, even if i have the illusion of choice!
im happy, so i dont mind a little compromise.

I don't think I've ever "fallen in love", or got "heartbroken". In fact, I'm saving it all for later. I'd rather have the sensory pleasure now and the attachment later.

nothing to do with age, but i hope you get this feeling ASAP.
as painful and miserable i feel now, its the best time i've had in many years.
and im talking 20+ years here....
take that plunge, RISK IT!
fall in love!

i know it is painful at times, and not so fun at others, but THIS IS THE TIME FOR IT.
do it now, or you will miss out.

 

[Irish Caesar]

I'm over two years into one right now...

Some days it's not very cool, but we both knew right from the beginning that it was going to be this way. In a lot of ways, we're convinced that it's not necessarily bad for a relationship to be far away for long periods of time, since it forces us to either communicate a ton or end it. There's an end in sight (to the long-term aspect of it!), so that's a pretty big plus. Of course, we try and get together as often as possible, but it's not always practical, cost-efficient, or whatever else.

I wouldn't wish it on someone who didn't understand that it wouldn't be as much fun as often as a proximal (or whatever you want to call it) relationship, but I wouldn't want to be with anyone else closer.

Always happy to hear someone else making one of these things work.

Congrats!

 

[Shaihulud]

Long distance relationship is the only kind that I can maintain for any time , but seriously, when i was in such a situation, it was an effort on both part to keep in touch (I was willing, she was not) in the end I had to slowly let it off. I do have a friend who maintained one and in the end followed the girl to the end of the world and gotten married.

 

[Whomp]

hi s_w

bide your time, bro that's probably the best advice i could give to you. once that time has elapsed and you're together, you'll look back at the seperation and chuckle! absence makes that heart grow fonder!

What El J said T. Continue to know each other better over that timeframe. Ask the hard questions that have the potential to be deal breakers down the road.
Money, children, family, friends, work, can you fight fair, vices, compromise, etc.

 

[ThERat]

So happy to hear about your plans, s w
I hope it all works out fine and I am sure it will. Make sure she has no hidden stuff in her closet though. I know what I am talking about.

Ok, you wanted to hear more stories...tell you mine.

Went to NZ to polish my English at Vic Uni in Wellington and met my 'she is IT'. She was from Japan though and thus started a long, tough long distance relationship. At that time, there was no internet, not skype or msn. We had to send letters to each other around the world, phonecalls from Germany to Japan would cost $2 a minute. It was a painful time as I had no money as a student. Went there for holidays, she came over as well. I even spent 4 months after graduating in Tokyo. Proposed to her, but her parents wouldn't agree. So, I went back home with a very sad and broken heart. Continued for another year and then gave up...I just couldn't take it anymore because I loved her so much.

Then, I did what you are doing and rushed into a marriage that turned very sour...And got me to this stinking Island city

So, I can't tell you whether it works, but you got only a few months left, I went through years of that.

Make damn sure, you know her well and don't fall into a routine trap. But I am sure you will be fine!

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

I go to school in Baltimore, and my girlfriend in Philadelphia. We are from the same place, however, and our parents live only a few minutes apart. We mostly talk via text message, phone conversation, or facebook. We alternate trips to see one another, usually about once every month or month and a half; I take the train, she takes the bus, and we spend the weekend with each other. Its not really hard, I don't think, to keep it up, and I'd call our relationship both healthy and blossoming. It not only trains you to put more value on personality, but also teaches you to cherish the small amounts of time you do get to spend with each other. We've been dating since October, and I can say that I've never been happier in my life. I'm getting that feeling like she might be "the one," and I get inklings that maybe she feels the same way. Still preserving my judgment, I've decided to put off the topic until at least the summer, when I will re-evaluate its pertinence, but I foresee it coming up again.

 

[Angst]

i noticed in Bamspeedys' a similar situation to mine, and thought i might ask the savvy OT peeps what you think about such relationships, share your experiences, or just throw silly comments at me due to my choices.

well, my story begins last summer.
i decided that after 18 years of non stop work i needed a MASSIVE vacation.
i have some very close friends in Australia, so figured why not?
told my boss, and off i went for 6 weeks.
(yes, i know, some think 6 weeks is not massive. for me it is)

there, my cunning friend, and his conniving wife, "introduced" me to my future wife.
we hit it off immediately, and were joined at the hip for my duration there.
i did at first, travel a bit in Australia on my own, and thought - heck, she's nice, but nothing serious can come of this.
I WAS WRONG.
after i left Australia we kept in constant contact (jah bless SKYPE), and we decided ill visit Australia again.
plans got side tracked to to some RL messing with us, but she came half way across the world to see me at home.
we spent a wondrous month here, at the end of which i knew (well, i knew before that, but hey, im a guy) that she is IT.
i asked and she accepted.

then i started to seriously push for a visa, as it seemed silly to stay apart from my soul mate.
takes a whole lotta time and effort to get this done.
took me almost a month to gather the paperwork (both mine and hers), and now im just past the immigration office interview.
AND SO I WAIT, the lady at immi told me it might take 4-5 months.
now, i know this isnt such a long time to be apart, but its tearing me apart.
i actually have physical pains not being near her.
never thought it would happen to me, on this level of magnitude, but it did.
and im damn happy about it too.

so now, while i wait, and its been 3 weeks since i saw her last, we try to converse on a daily basis, though she is +9 hours in front.
which leaves us with a 30 minute window between my work and hers.

anyone here have experience with this kind of relationship?
share, so i wont think im the only poor sad soul out there in cyberspace....

I only skimmed the story, so sorry if I don't answer your question properly. But my 'mother-in-law' has had a long distance relationship with a Turk for about a year before him finally coming up here to Denmark. It worked out.

The nine-hour difference, however... That hurts.

 

[Leifmk]

My relationship with my now-wife started out long distance, after we met while I was on holiday in "her" town. Well, medium distance, anyway; an 8-hour train ride apart. It stayed that way for a year before I eliminated the distance by moving south (a decision that was made about halfway through the year, the other half was the time it took to arrange said move -- finding something for me to do after the move, selling my old apartment, etc.)

For us, it wouldn't have worked so well if we hadn't been able to see each other fairly often; we managed visits pretty much every other weekend (thank the powers that be for overnight trains). There was one time when we couldn't see each other for over three weeks, and that hurt a lot. It also probably wouldn't have worked out if the "distance" part hadn't been fairly limited in terms of duration (we told each other as much near the beginning, that this relationship would either have to become no-distance within at most two years, or it would have to end). We were both in our early 30s when we met, incidentally (I was nearly 32, she had recently turned 30).

Four and a half years later, we're married and have a seven-month-old kid (conceived on our honeymoon, of all things) and plan on having at least one more before we get too old.

 

[Mathilda]

Do I see a pattern here?
How often does the woman move to the man, and how often the other way round?
Why do you think that is?

 

[classical_hero]

Because that is the power of a woman. I remember my piano teacher, when i did uni for one year, she is Czech so when she was trying to move to away, she met a man and his plans were to move to Canada, then he met her, and they eventually moved to Australia. We men cannot get away from your grasp and control.

To soul warrior. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Congratulations on finding the one.

 

[soul_warrior]

thanks all for the insightful input.
its good to know that there are succsess stories out there.
it makes the wait now much more bearable.

I wouldn't wish it on someone who didn't understand that it wouldn't be as much fun as often as a proximal (or whatever you want to call it) relationship, but I wouldn't want to be with anyone else closer.

What El J said T. Continue to know each other better over that timeframe. Ask the hard questions that have the potential to be deal breakers down the road.
Money, children, family, friends, work, can you fight fair, vices, compromise, etc.

So happy to hear about your plans, s w
I hope it all works out fine and I am sure it will. Make sure she has no hidden stuff in her closet though. I know what I am talking about.

exactly.
i am trying to gain as much knowledge of her inner workings as possible, as to avoid any real trouble.
and believe you me we have some issues.
for one, me being Jewish and her Greek Orthodox.
that caused some rough patches at the start, her mother, upon hearing we wont be wed in a church told her they (her parents) wont attend the wedding.
now, the situation is contained, as the mother sort of understands the reasoning - i am willing to convert, for the sake of the ceremony only, as im a total atheist, and the wife-to-be is a non practicing woman of faith.
id do a shortish conversion, but attending a SIX MONTH SEMINAR?
hell NO.
the mother is looking for a priest that will be willing to do the ceremony.
if she finds one, id be happy to oblige.
so everybody is happy.
to me, all them pagans are the same, so i dont care
im guessing ill have some need to pull out the heavy "charm guns" when i meet them, or else they will pose a problem.

but otherwise, our personalities are identical, while we have completely differing views of everything.
this alone will keep (and does) keep the relationship vibrant.

my previous girlfriend (of 2 years, in which we lived together) had a different political view, but did not have the willfulness to stand up for her own ideology or views.
i need that in a relationship.
she was too damn "like" me. so i got bored.

i want, and have a woman that will challenge me, but not fight me over everything.
we dont mind, we actually cherish, our completely opposite backgrounds.
it only makes us stronger as a unit and as individuals.

Do I see a pattern here?
How often does the woman move to the man, and how often the other way round?
Why do you think that is?

i think that (runs for the hills) that the ladies are more attached to thier home turf?

well, for me at least, i know it due to the fact that i never felt HOME in Israel, so have no problem moving.
i am not attached to any territory, and will be willing to do whatever it takes.
it sort of, in a very circumspect way, remind me of Heinlein's motto of "the women and children first, then the men"
in the manner that we, the men, will do whatever necessary to keep our loved ones happy.
and that in turn MAKES US HAPPY

 

[Mathilda]

Well, I guess in your case the language makes a difference.
If you move to Australia, you don't need to start learning a language from the scratch.

In our case I couldn't make the move because of my kids I already had.

 

[ThERat]

I could also be a bit more sarcastic and say that women are indeed the weaker gender. They have more problems leaving home (+ family) behind and take the plunge.
What s w said is true, they might be more attached to home soil, while quite a few of us guys would go wherever we need to in order to make them happy.

 

[soul_warrior]

Well, I guess in your case the language makes a difference.
If you move to Australia, you don't need to start learning a language from the scratch.

In our case I couldn't make the move because of my kids I already had.

i think that the language barrier (non existant for me) would pose a problem in any relationship, close or far.

not to mention kids.
im presuming it would be much easier for the "no children on board" side to emigrate.

its going to be hard for atleast one part (assuming the couple stays in home turf of one side), so maybe its the men are stronger brainwash that drives us?

anyway, i dont think its a generic issue, but dependant on each persons willingness to make that sacrifice.
not all long distance relationships will survive, so if you want it to flourish, the couple MUST be together at one time or another.
so i made my choice.

that said, having very little family (just a brother and sister) and very little possesions, its very easy for me to move.
its probably more complicated with others.