I don't know why you would even want to read the Bible. From what I've glimpsed, it really is as ludicrous as it sounds. But even if you wanted a good translation, you will never find a perfect one. There is always the language barrier that prevents an ideal translation, and in addition, there is the taint of bias in nearly all translations, since Biblical translation naturally draws the religious. At one time, I entertained myself by translating various NT passages (btw, Biblical Greek seems to be the most simplistic of any Greek I've come across), and what I got was often far removed from the "official" translation was. It seems that many passages aren't even translated, but paraphrased, often to inject a theological slant that the author(s) wish, rather than the literal meaning of the text.
I suppose you could get around this by learning Ancient Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek, but that seems rather laborious.