Rules of Engagement

[downtown]

So me and my girlfriend are getting engaged soon (we're waiting a little while to take care of a few loose ends and prep our parents before we bust out the bling...but I already have a ring and everything) and it's been interesting to hear different perspectives on how the whole operation works from our friends, of various religious and cultural persuasions. Some are still staunch traditionalists (man must spend X amount of ring, go to parents for permission, propose in X fashion, etc), where others are like "ehhh, do whatever the heck you want".

I'm curious what the "rules" are where you live, either for your country, church, ethnicity, etc. Do you feel there are certain traditions in the process that you need to follow through? Is this a generational thing? Does it even matter anymore?

Thoughts!

 

[ArneHD]

It's probably bad that after reading the title and your first line, I thought you had an argument and now you had to make rules of "Engagement" to stand one another.

Also, I have no idea. I remember vaguely that there was one day, traditionally, that women were permitted to propose to men, and if the man refused he had to give her seven pairs of gloves. I don't think I have heard this referenced in any significant way though (my piano teach said it, I think) so it's most likely not a thing.

 

[Integral]

So me and my girlfriend are getting engaged soon (we're waiting a little while to take care of a few loose ends and prep our parents before we bust out the bling...but I already have a ring and everything)

I did not read the rest of your post.


HOLY CRAP


Congratulations my friend.

 

[Rashiminos]

The only rules I would be concerned about are the ones that relate to the quality of your relationship. Everything else will fall into place.

 

[Mark1031]

Congratulations. We got married at the JP no ceremony no party no wedding dress/tux, nice beach honeymoon ¼ crt engagement ring. But we were poor at the time and would have had to pay for everything ourselves. Plus the wife didn’t want it and we lived far from both families. It’s about the money Lebowski and what you want. If family wants it and has the cash great. If you are buying think of how much you want to blow on a 1 day thing as it can get quite pricy. Take a better honeymoon or save for house etc. From talking to other people it is just a hectic day full of stress and some fun. Your memories of your honeymoon will be better and you really don’t want those lame wedding pics on your mantel anyway.

 

[Darth Caesar]

Congrats Downtown!

 

[Silurian]

Well my wife came with me to choose her engagement ring.
We spent the night before the wedding and went to the ceremony together.

There are no set of rules that are widely accepted.
Some people go with some rules others some of the same rules and some different.
You should choose the rules for your engagement and your future married life to suit your future bride and yourself.

Congratulations.

 

[classical_hero]

Congratulations.

 

[warpus]

Congrats! Are there going to be little downtowns running around anytime soon? Or will it be.. uptowns?

From what I've seen of weddings around here, anything goes.

Usually the groom doesn't really care and panders to the wishes of the bride and parents, relatives, etc.

Having said that I think "traditional" weddings are still the most popular here, even though a lot of people do something a bit more unconventional.

Thankfully buying a diamond and spending an arm and a leg for one seems to be decreasing in popularity. A bunch of my friends got married in a very low-key ceremony, no rings, no cakes, no fancy nothing.. Just them on a beach with a couple friends and a guy who's authorized to marry them.

Saved $20k, happy as heck

 

[NickyJ]

I did not read the rest of your post.


HOLY CRAP


Congratulations my friend.

This.

Congratulations!

 

[downtown]

Well my wife came with me to choose her engagement ring.

Is this a common thing nowadays? I've heard of other people doing this, and I kinda thought that the guy was supposed to do it alone...but what the hell do I know?

 

[Joecoolyo]

Congrats downtown!

 

[warpus]

Maybe she doesn't even want one! Maybe you can use the money to go on vacation (re: ring)

but I should really be the last person to give advice, as I'm forever alone

 

[downtown]

Maybe she doesn't even want one! Maybe you can use the money to go on vacation (re: ring)

but I should really be the last person to give advice, as I'm forever alone

I actually already have the ring. Thankfully, I found a practical person, who wanted me to use a family ring instead of spending 3 grand on a new one. I am under specific instructions to NOT buy anything fancy for it...so that money can be saved for the actual wedding, or international travel. Makes sense!

I'm just curious how it is for other people. This is obviously completely uncharted territory for me.

 

[Silurian]

Is this a common thing nowadays? I've heard of other people doing this, and I kinda thought that the guy was supposed to do it alone...but what the hell do I know?

I don't know how common it is but I have other people I have known have done the same thing. I have seen a jewellers advert, here in the UK, with people choosing the ring together.

 

[Integral]

Does your lady know that you have a veritable harem of devoted male followers on an internet gaming forum?

 

[illram]

I think ultimately what it should come down to is showing your fiance the respect you want to foster in your marriage and doing whatever it is you think the two of you want for your engagement and your marriage. I think that is the best way of doing it. If you want to follow specific customs, fine. If the couple does not want to, that's fine too. If there is disagreement there, perfect chance to see if you two can function as a couple on what are often very personal and family related decisions. Often, keeping you two happy means keeping parents happy, so sometimes there is more of a parental influence for that reason.

I asked my wife's parents prior to popping the question. There was no discussion of whether that was needed but I actually wanted to. I knew her parents would have thought that was nice and I wanted to show her parents respect and I wanted to show them I was intent on maintaining a positive bond with her side of the family. It was a really cool bonding moment for me and her parents, even though I had already known them for seven years, and I am really glad I did it.

Ultimately a marriage is a joining of two families and if the two halves can get along it is that much sweeter.

As far as rings I found all that stuff totally silly. Lots of people I know use family heirloom rings, but this is another thing that is often already decided between the couple... as in, you should know if your fiance wants you to spend 3K on a ring or whether she wouldn't care or not. And--you should know whether you're comfortable with her attitude, whatever it may be, on that!

 

[warpus]

My brother in law asked my parents as well, even though my parents said (after the fact) that it was not needed.

It wasn't needed, but it sure made them respect the guy more!

 

[Cutlass]

I wouldn't consider the asking the parents or other stuff. If the 2 people in question are sure of things, then the family shuts up and gets in line. They don't get a say in the matter.

On to other questions: The wedding is not the marriage. And, beyond the basic ceremony itself, is irrelevant to the marriage. A great wedding does not result in a great marriage. And a quick and cheap wedding does not result in a quick and cheap marriage.

Don't forget that the people who are telling you how important it is to have a big and fancy, and expensive, wedding are in the business of selling you that big wedding. They do not have your interests at heart. They do not have your happiness at heart. They have your money at heart.

If you and your fiance want a big celebration, and the money is not an issue, then go ahead. But expensive weddings are conspicuous consumption. If you want to spend a lot of money for the purpose of demonstrating to the world that you can, go for it. But don't let yourself be convinced by others that you are in any way compelled to do so.

And if either family tells you that you need to have a big expensive wedding, invite them to pay for it.

And don't forget to stop and think of all the alternative uses you have for that money over your life. Everything from a great honeymoon to a down payment on a house. Or just having some savings in reserve in an economy that offers no guarantees any longer.

 

[Narz]

The only rule I'd give a crap about was whether or not I really thought I could pull off the whole marriage/lifetime commitment thing. I don't think I could personally but I wish you good luck.