Rules of Engagement

[Valka D'Ur]

From what I've seen on television series. Americans(especially women) are very concerned about traditions regarding marriage. If this translates into the real world, I don't know. But I'd like to. Anyone?

It's more the bride's mother and female relatives and friends. It harkens back to the question of "Can he afford to support you" and having an expensive ring to show everybody is supposed to be an indicator of that (as well as how much he loves his bride-to-be). /cynical answer

As for me personally, a diamond can be an investment or something to fall back on in case of emergency (as something valuable to sell), but it's certainly not what I would consider my "best friend" or my preferred kind of jewelry.

There was a recent feature on the Wedinator page of the Cheezburger Network (where people submit wedding photos that are unusual or funny) that I thought was nifty. A couple in the Society for Creative Anachronism had a period wedding. The bride made the wedding clothes herself, and their dog was part of it as well... the groom's hat was stuffed with a combination of wool and dog hair!

 

[_random_]

And Congrats Mr downtown!! Even if that means we should take the 'I'll marry downtown' option off the polls.

Well, he's pretty familiar with Mormon doctrine, so converting to one of those weird sects that still practices polygamy shouldn't take too long. We're counting on you man.

Thanks for the kind words everybody. I actually wasn't really looking for advice...I think I've got just about everything planned out as well as possible. I was just curious as to how this process worked for other people/around the world.

Well, my sister got engaged over the phone, since she lived in Memphis and he lived in Minneapolis and they'd only been formally dating for a week after six years of very close friendship. That's really the only proposal story I know, and it really only works in very narrow circumstances, and even then I think most people would prefer to avoid it. But hey, it's worked well for them.

Also, congratu-freaking-lations.

 

[Boundless]

I guess there aren't really any 'set' rules for where I'm from. I don't think my parents would want me getting married/engaged without really knowing the man though. And in my own head, I'd want to have lived with him first, or at least really plan to or know that me and him would work in a household together. As for anything else, I guess it's a time thing.

 

[Takhisis]

Well, he's pretty familiar with Mormon doctrine, so converting to one of those weird sects that still practices polygamy shouldn't take too long. We're counting on you man.

Or he could marry one woman per US state.

Well, my sister got engaged over the phone, since she lived in Memphis and he lived in Minneapolis and they'd only been formally dating for a week after six years of very close friendship. That's really the only proposal story I know, and it really only works in very narrow circumstances, and even then I think most people would prefer to avoid it. But hey, it's worked well for them.

Also, congratu-freaking-lations.

How much older than you is your sister?

 

[_random_]

How much older than you is your sister?

11 years. She was 25 when she got married.

 

[Takhisis]

Damn! Too old for her to introduce me to her friends.

I mean, well, she wasn't that young and she knew him for a while. Glad to see it worked/is working.

 

[downtown]

Does your lady know that you have a veritable harem of devoted male followers on an internet gaming forum?

Haha, I've mentioned this on fiftychat a few times. I felt like I should go ahead and explain how me and Godwynn actually met, so I had to explain this place.

So lemme get this straight. You and Godwynn have been on a computer game website for six years, even though you haven't played this computer game in ages, so you can basically just discuss politics with 15 year olds on something called a fiftychat?

Well...not everybody is fifteen...but yeah, basically.

...

You're lucky I love you.

Only comment about weddings proper: assume your wedding party is broker than you are, or help pay the bills you're laying on them. That's the only thing I've really felt to be a problem in the whole process.

Yeah, it's lucky that most of our close friends live a short busride/flight from Chicago, so costs shouldn't be too bad for them. We're not particularly flashy people...I wasn't planning on my making my groomsmen shell out hundreds of dollars.

 

[warpus]

I think this is probably a good time to introduce you to a business I've been running on the side:

Warpus, best man for hire

 

[Cutlass]

I think this is probably a good time to introduce you to a business I've been running on the side:

Warpus, best man for hire

That would make you responsible for organizing and paying for the bachelor party...

 

[warpus]

That would make you responsible for organizing and paying for the bachelor party...

I've thought ahead: the fees I charge will cover all that

 

[IglooDame]

Congrats!

I do think that nowadays it really is "whatever works best between the two of you". My wife and I picked out our rings together, I proposed to her on Christmas morning, we had a JP ceremony with just my father and her daughter in attendance; the four of us had dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in the area, then my wife and I honeymooned for the weekend at a resort a few hours' north.

We're both previously-married, and big weddings obviously didn't guarantee marital success, so low-key was okay for both of us. The one nod I did make to tradition was to call her father and ask his permission prior to raising the topic in any real way with her, both because I knew he was old-school and would appreciate the gesture, and because I knew he'd grant that permission. And aside from any good feeling it generated between the in-laws and I, I still get major props from my wife about it.

 

[LucyDuke]

That's such a huge "what works for you" thing. I crack up whenever I imagine some dude calling my father like that. I'm sure nobody would ever think it was appropriate, but if it didn't ruin things (I know I'd be hugely offended, not sure how my father would react), it would just be a huge joke forever.

 

[Vylinius]

Congrats! I have no experience in these matters but hey I think saying congrats is enough reason to post.

 

[Quintillus]

Congratulations! I'd lean towards the "whatever works best" scenario, but I also have no experience either myself or through friends in these matters, so I'll probably be trying to find this thread myself in the undetermined future.

 

[BvBPL]

Assuming your fiance is on speaking terms with her parents and they don't have a huge problem with you or your relationship with their daughter then asking for permission is appropriate and (somewhat) expected.

This is as much (if not more) of a respect thing for one's future in-laws as a tradition or anything else.

 

[Lillefix]

Assuming your fiance is on speaking terms with her parents and they don't have a huge problem with you or your relationship with their daughter then asking for permission is appropriate and (somewhat) expected.

This is as much (if not more) of a respect thing for one's future in-laws as a tradition or anything else.

You don't say. And which country do you live in exactly? Sounds like one that is stuck in the 19th century.

 

[BvBPL]

You don't say.

I do. And I am right.
Marriage is a step towards forming one’s adult household and one’s own family. It is appropriate to pay one’s respects to the household and family of one’s future spouse at the outset of such an endeavor. Furthermore it is, for the most part, a pro forma request that is simple to perform but can pay off in spades for the suitor through superior relations with one’s in-laws. One only has one chance to ask one’s fiancé’s father for her hand; given that the response to such a request is generally already known and the request itself is simple, it only makes sense to make the request.

 

[LucyDuke]

I do. And I am right.
Marriage is a step towards forming one’s adult household and one’s own family. It is appropriate to pay one’s respects to the household and family of one’s future spouse at the outset of such an endeavor. Furthermore it is, for the most part, a pro forma request that is simple to perform but can pay off in spades for the suitor through superior relations with one’s in-laws. One only has one chance to ask one’s fiancé’s father for her hand; given that the response to such a request is generally already known and the request itself is simple, it only makes sense to make the request.

Framing it as "permission" isn't going to go over well with everyone. That would piss me off.

 

[IglooDame]

That's such a huge "what works for you" thing. I crack up whenever I imagine some dude calling my father like that. I'm sure nobody would ever think it was appropriate, but if it didn't ruin things (I know I'd be hugely offended, not sure how my father would react), it would just be a huge joke forever.

You're right, it is totally a "what works for you" thing. Her father was born a little before 1920, IIRC, and my wife wasn't disposed to be offended given the relationship we already had/have.

 

[downtown]

I'm planning on speaking to my future father in law, but I'm not framing it as permission. We have a very good relationship (I prob talk to him once a week), and I'm very invested in keeping it that way. I plan on letting me ask any questions he wants of me first, and I'm going to ask him for his blessing, but I don't think permission is anybodies to give except hers. We're adults, and I plan on marrying her anyway, even if he says no (although I don't think he will, and if he had specific concerns, I'd work to assuage them)