Should I assume she doesn't like me and just move on?

[longtimelurker0]

Some of you may remember that I made a thread a few months asking (on a more academic curiosity level), why someone I know, romantic interest or not, might ignore me, only in my case, it was actually my crush. Well now, I'm asking something different, mainly is it worth asking her out now. Here are the details (they overlap verbatim at parts to the OP of my last thread, but now with much more details and updated to today).

So there's this girl (I'm a guy btw), that I've known for a few months and I always felt something strange in the way we interact. First off, we met when both of us were the only ones in a study lounge at midnight studying for our classes, and it turned out, we were in the same engineering class. We chatted quite a bit throughout the night until 4am, when we left and went back home. The next day, she remembered me in the lab, and it seemed normal. She saw me as she was leaving, and we talked a little about our projects and I friend requested her on facebook, because well, that's what I always do with someone who I think I click well with after meeting them, guy or girl. Anyways, fast forward a week, and I finally came to lecture (I usually watch webcasts which is why I usually don't show up) and when I saw her and smiled her, and instead of saying hi, she looked down and smiled and walked away. We bumped into each other a few times after in lecture and in lab and she acted as if she doesn't know me. So I thought that she probably doesn't like me as a person after those two interactions for whatever reason and I forgot about her. Three weeks later, I received a facebook notification that she accepted my friend request and a few days after, she started talking to me and we chatted with me about our project in the lab. We also studied a bit together, with some other friends as finals approached that semester. During that week of studying, I also ran into her in office hours once and as a TA was explaining something to a group of students (including us), I noticed that she turned her head towards me and looked at me w/o smiling, then turned away, twice. My zipper wasn't down nor was their was there a stain on my shirt or anything else I know of that might've attracted her attention. That concludes that semester (Fall 2014)

Now onto the next semester. we joined the same club so we talk a bit whenever I go (like once every 2 months). We also occassionally bump into to each other in the club and sometimes out on the street. Sometimes, I see her smile and look down when we pass each other on the street. Other times, she says hi to me and we talk a little bit, usually at club meetings. We bumped into each other about 6 times in total that semester. The last time she saw me that semester we chatted the most. We ran into each other on the street walking in the same direction, and she said hi to me and asked me how my birthday was from 2 days ago, what did I do etc. Then after we're done talking about my birthday, I tried to talk to her about other stuff, like upcoming finals and summer plans. All of a sudden, she started becoming really awkward and gave me really short responses. Then we pretty much walked together silently until she abruptly said bye to me at an intersection, and walked off in another direction. That concludes the second semester (Spring 2015)

Our facebook interactions have been mainly onesided, with me doing the asking. I asked in the middle of summer how's everything going, and she replied 3 days later. Her responses were very short and simple answers and never really kept the conversation going while it was me doing most of talking. Yesterday, I asked her how's the semester starting out and what classes she would be taking, and it was marked by facebook as "seen" but wasnt replied to.

Without the facebook interactions, I believe that the signals she sent me could either mean
A. she isn't interested in me but suspects that I like her (most likely because I friend requested WAY too soon and/or some other signals I might've given her not long after we first met) and feels awkward
or
B. she likes me and is shy.

I was kinda planning on asking her out beginning of this semester. That itself is a challenge since we dont share any classes right now, but we probably will see each other at a few club meetings later on. With the way she acted on facebook though, I'm strongly convinced now that option A best describes the situation, not option B as I really hoped, to the point that I believe I should just move on and not bother to ask her out at all even if we do see each other. Is my judgement correct?

 

[sophie]

Sounds like she's not interested in that way. The curt facebook messages sounds to me like her trying to drop you a hint. FWIW I don't think your assessment is altogether correct. Friend requesting someone after you "clicked" and spent 4 hours chatting alone isn't really "coming on strong". It's certainly possible that she doesn't check her facebook very often, which is quite common, and why she didn't respond for so long. Or maybe she just had a lot of other things going on at the time, saw the friend request and forgot to respond - god knows I do that plenty. I believe in the previous thread my advice was to use your words and talk to her about how you feel. Which it seems you unfortunately didn't do. You didn't ask her and now she's moved on. Tough luck bud. Next time if you like a girl and you think she likes you back, ask her out on a date. If she says no, no biggie; say "ok no problem" and either ask if you can still be friends (if you want to be and are capable of not acting like a total creep/weirdo) or just move on. If she says yes, awesome! Go ahead and get your mack on. It's really not that complicated.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

So there's this girl (I'm a guy btw), that I've known for a few months and I always felt something strange in the way we interact. First off, we met when both of us were the only ones in a study lounge at midnight studying for our classes, and it turned out, we were in the same engineering class. We chatted quite a bit throughout the night until 4am, when we left and went back home. The next day, she remembered me in the lab, and it seemed normal. She saw me as she was leaving, and we talked a little about our projects and I friend requested her on facebook, because well, that's what I always do with someone who I think I click well with after meeting them, guy or girl. Anyways, fast forward a week, and I finally came to lecture (I usually watch webcasts which is why I usually don't show up) and when I saw her and smiled her, and instead of saying hi, she looked down and smiled and walked away. We bumped into each other a few times after in lecture and in lab and she acted as if she doesn't know me. So I thought that she probably doesn't like me as a person after those two interactions for whatever reason and I forgot about her. Three weeks later, I received a facebook notification that she accepted my friend request and a few days after, she started talking to me and we chatted with me about our project in the lab. We also studied a bit together, with some other friends as finals approached that semester. During that week of studying, I also ran into her in office hours once and as a TA was explaining something to a group of students (including us), I noticed that she turned her head towards me and looked at me w/o smiling, then turned away, twice. My zipper wasn't down nor was their was there a stain on my shirt or anything else I know of that might've attracted her attention. That concludes that semester (Fall 2014)

Now onto the next semester. we joined the same club so we talk a bit whenever I go (like once every 2 months). We also occassionally bump into to each other in the club and sometimes out on the street. Sometimes, I see her smile and look down when we pass each other on the street. Other times, she says hi to me and we talk a little bit, usually at club meetings. We bumped into each other about 6 times in total that semester. The last time she saw me that semester we chatted the most. We ran into each other on the street walking in the same direction, and she said hi to me and asked me how my birthday was from 2 days ago, what did I do etc. Then after we're done talking about my birthday, I tried to talk to her about other stuff, like upcoming finals and summer plans. All of a sudden, she started becoming really awkward and gave me really short responses. Then we pretty much walked together silently until she abruptly said bye to me at an intersection, and walked off in another direction. That concludes the second semester (Spring 2015)

Our facebook interactions have been mainly onesided, with me doing the asking. I asked in the middle of summer how's everything going, and she replied 3 days later. Her responses were very short and simple answers and never really kept the conversation going while it was me doing most of talking. Yesterday, I asked her how's the semester starting out and what classes she would be taking, and it was marked by facebook as "seen" but wasnt replied to.

Without the facebook interactions, I believe that the signals she sent me could either mean
A. she isn't interested in me but suspects that I like her (most likely because I friend requested WAY too soon and/or some other signals I might've given her not long after we first met) and feels awkward
or
B. she likes me and is shy.

I was kinda planning on asking her out beginning of this semester. That itself is a challenge since we dont share any classes right now, but we probably will see each other at a few club meetings later on. With the way she acted on facebook though, I'm strongly convinced now that option A best describes the situation, not option B as I really hoped, to the point that I believe I should just move on and not bother to ask her out at all even if we do see each other. Is my judgement correct?

She seems to alternate between chatty and ignoring you, right? That leads me to conclude that alternative A. above is the correct one.

However, since this has been bothering you for awhile, I don't see anything wrong with you asking her out for coffee in the daytime, in a public place - and just asking her how she feels. Since she's been giving you mixed signals, it's a reasonable thing to want to know how she stands. But don't bring anything beyond friendship into it, or you might be considered a stalker - which is never a good thing.

As for what signals you might be giving her... you stated you didn't attend class very often in person, and how often were these club meetings? If just once a month, then missing one every now and then isn't a big deal. If they were weekly or twice-monthly, you may have been giving off the vibe of being unreliable or not that interested.

It's not a bad thing to want to know where this stands, but it does seem as though "acquaintance" is where she's at.

 

[longtimelurker0]

I believe in the previous thread my advice was to use your words and talk to her about how you feel. Which it seems you unfortunately didn't do.

Physically impossible since we hundreds of miles away from each other during the summer, which already started when I posted my last thread. Now that school started, she isn't in any of my classes and we haven't bumped into each other yet.

As for what signals you might be giving her... you stated you didn't attend class very often in person, and how often were these club meetings? If just once a month, then missing one every now and then isn't a big deal. If they were weekly or twice-monthly, you may have been giving off the vibe of being unreliable or not that interested.

We were only in the same class Fall 2014. The subsequent 2 semesters (Spring 2015 and right now), we shared no classes. There were only 3 club meetings that semester which we both attended all of them, and the other 3 times we saw each other last semester were out on the street.

 

[sophie]

Physically impossible since we hundreds of miles away from each other during the summer, which already started when I posted my last thread. Now that school started, she isn't in any of my classes and we haven't bumped into each other yet.

Oh my god dude this is so pathetically lame. I have definitely started relationships over summer breaks when I was literally hundreds of miles away from the other person. It's totally doable. And using lack of shared classes as an excuse is friggen weak dude. As I said before, sounds to me like she's just not that into you. But if you're still unsure, the only way you're going to find out is if you use your words.

 

[longtimelurker0]

Oh my god dude this is so pathetically lame. I have definitely started relationships over summer breaks when I was literally hundreds of miles away from the other person. It's totally doable. And using lack of shared classes as an excuse is friggen weak dude. As I said before, sounds to me like she's just not that into you. But if you're still unsure, the only way you're going to find out is if you use your words.

Are you saying its ok to ask a girl out over facebook? Because I always thought that kind of stuff turns girls off and that in person is always much more preferable

 

[sophie]

Are you saying its ok to ask a girl out over facebook? Because I always thought that kind of stuff turns girls off and that in person is always much more preferable

Ok here we go:

summer relationships: nobody said anything about asking her out over facebook. Just some light flirtatious back-and-forth banter over text or facebook message. Then progress to skype, possibly skype dates. Eventually you go out to visit and/or she does likewise. LDR stuff isn't so bad in a college context when you're going to be back together in a couple months. Or if you want to keep it strictly a summer fling that's not so hard to do either.

now that you're back on campus: I didn't say ask her out on facebook. Do as Valka said. Ask if she wants to meet you at a cafe for some coffee to catch up. For one if she has absolutely no interest in talking to you you'll know then and there. Otherwise chat her up at the cafe and see how she responds. If you think things are going well you can proceed to ask her out at the cafe for a more formal date.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

Ah the soap opera continues...

I think my response in the initial thread was "just forget it and move on" or something to that effect. Obviously you didn't, so I'll just repeat that but with a little more emphasis. She's clearly not into you and all you're doing is making yourself feel bad and not allowing yourself to move on with life. Stop thinking about her, stop trying to talk to her. Get some distance from her both physically and mentally and before you know it you'll wonder what all the fuss was about and you'll be able to enjoy your life again. Or you can dwell in miserable fantasy land forever, your choice I suppose.

 

[Birdjaguar]

If you want a relationship with her, ask her out for coffee and start going to campus more often and create more opportunities to "run into her". Good relationships are all about building face time together.

 

[JollyRoger]

You have stumbled yourself into the friendzone or worse and the only way out of it is to make yourself seemingly unavailable by dating someone else.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Are you saying its ok to ask a girl out over facebook? Because I always thought that kind of stuff turns girls off and that in person is always much more preferable

I'm probably about 30 years older than you and this young woman and there are undoubtedly changes that have occurred re standards of courtesy, but I have to say that I'd be rather offended to be asked out over Facebook. In person is best, but if that isn't possible, then (in order of least offensive) would be via telephone conversation (NOT texting! - a real conversation), and then email. Facebook should never come into it, since you might as well just scrawl some graffiti on a wall and ask her that way. It's not much of a personal touch, and it opens up all kinds of privacy issues.

 

[sophie]

In my experience - serious dates? Yeah, over skype or the phone, or most preferably in person. At least for the first one. After that it's no biggie. If you're just wanting to hang out or grab a cup of coffee or make a booty call then texting is perfectly fine.

 

[Perfection]

First off. She's a woman, there's a 3.5 billion of them. You don't need assume anything, you haven't even gotten any and you've given her power over you. She may seem like a special snowflake and yeah she probably is, but remember that you're in a blizzard. You gotta chill out 'cause finding women is easy.

Second off. Women are fun and women are funny. For God's sake let loose around them. Enjoy being around them, enjoy talking to them, enjoy the whole process. You can be fun and you are fun. Don't worry about if you're doing things wrong, of course you are, it's fine to do it wrong (own being awkward, it's part of your charm), and you'll get points for having balls.

Third off. Just ask her out in person so you can get an answer. Noone the hell cares that much other than you. I don't subscribe to the idea that you can't ask a girl out over facebook or whatever. You can do whatever you want. But ask her to do something fun and be fun. Offer her a good time. If you can't offer that, you got no cause to ask her. You like her, so you wanna show her a good time. Think about what you want to do with her (not dirty, yet, of course), and ask her to do it with you because you want her to experience said thing because it would be good for her.

 

[CavLancer]

Don't poop where you eat.

If you ask her out and she laughs in your face and all the other girls start giggling just know that this will happen until you die or move somewhere. If she says yes and you have wild wonderful sex but the next day ignores you completely, well if you thought things were odd before, now you'll find out she's moody and maybe a little nuts. Or, you have a great time and she moves in and its wonderful but then you or she meets someone else and you still have to look at her every day at school and visa versa. If you cherish your anonymity there is no better way to kiss it goodbye than to attempt anything.

If that doesn't bother you then go for it, you've got nothing to lose. If you think she is beautiful, tell her. "Hey, you look beautiful today." Then lay off and see what happens. If her friends laugh and giggle and point, then smile and wave and don't worry. Give it time, if she starts smiling and being more accessible, ask her to dinner. Worst she can do is say no.

 

[Kyriakos]

You have stumbled yourself into the friendzone or worse and the only way out of it is to make yourself seemingly unavailable by dating someone else.

@OP: I think you should focus on some other girl, cause she doesn't seem to be responding much. That can hurt or annoy the other person (you or anyone else in such a position), and it is time to move on...

 

[Commodore]

Some of you may remember that I made a thread a few months asking (on a more academic curiosity level), why someone I know, romantic interest or not, might ignore me, only in my case, it was actually my crush. Well now, I'm asking something different, mainly is it worth asking her out now. Here are the details (they overlap verbatim at parts to the OP of my last thread, but now with much more details and updated to today).

So there's this girl (I'm a guy btw), that I've known for a few months and I always felt something strange in the way we interact. First off, we met when both of us were the only ones in a study lounge at midnight studying for our classes, and it turned out, we were in the same engineering class. We chatted quite a bit throughout the night until 4am, when we left and went back home. The next day, she remembered me in the lab, and it seemed normal. She saw me as she was leaving, and we talked a little about our projects and I friend requested her on facebook, because well, that's what I always do with someone who I think I click well with after meeting them, guy or girl. Anyways, fast forward a week, and I finally came to lecture (I usually watch webcasts which is why I usually don't show up) and when I saw her and smiled her, and instead of saying hi, she looked down and smiled and walked away. We bumped into each other a few times after in lecture and in lab and she acted as if she doesn't know me. So I thought that she probably doesn't like me as a person after those two interactions for whatever reason and I forgot about her. Three weeks later, I received a facebook notification that she accepted my friend request and a few days after, she started talking to me and we chatted with me about our project in the lab. We also studied a bit together, with some other friends as finals approached that semester. During that week of studying, I also ran into her in office hours once and as a TA was explaining something to a group of students (including us), I noticed that she turned her head towards me and looked at me w/o smiling, then turned away, twice. My zipper wasn't down nor was their was there a stain on my shirt or anything else I know of that might've attracted her attention. That concludes that semester (Fall 2014)

Now onto the next semester. we joined the same club so we talk a bit whenever I go (like once every 2 months). We also occassionally bump into to each other in the club and sometimes out on the street. Sometimes, I see her smile and look down when we pass each other on the street. Other times, she says hi to me and we talk a little bit, usually at club meetings. We bumped into each other about 6 times in total that semester. The last time she saw me that semester we chatted the most. We ran into each other on the street walking in the same direction, and she said hi to me and asked me how my birthday was from 2 days ago, what did I do etc. Then after we're done talking about my birthday, I tried to talk to her about other stuff, like upcoming finals and summer plans. All of a sudden, she started becoming really awkward and gave me really short responses. Then we pretty much walked together silently until she abruptly said bye to me at an intersection, and walked off in another direction. That concludes the second semester (Spring 2015)

Our facebook interactions have been mainly onesided, with me doing the asking. I asked in the middle of summer how's everything going, and she replied 3 days later. Her responses were very short and simple answers and never really kept the conversation going while it was me doing most of talking. Yesterday, I asked her how's the semester starting out and what classes she would be taking, and it was marked by facebook as "seen" but wasnt replied to.

Without the facebook interactions, I believe that the signals she sent me could either mean
A. she isn't interested in me but suspects that I like her (most likely because I friend requested WAY too soon and/or some other signals I might've given her not long after we first met) and feels awkward
or
B. she likes me and is shy.

I was kinda planning on asking her out beginning of this semester. That itself is a challenge since we dont share any classes right now, but we probably will see each other at a few club meetings later on. With the way she acted on facebook though, I'm strongly convinced now that option A best describes the situation, not option B as I really hoped, to the point that I believe I should just move on and not bother to ask her out at all even if we do see each other. Is my judgement correct?

I'm going to assume you are young since you mention being in college. One of the things you are going to learn when you get older is to stop overanalyzing how women react around you. If you want to ask her out, don't wait for her to give you signals that she wants you to ask her out. Just do it. The worst that can happen is she says no. I know at your age that seems absolutely terrible, but trust me, rejection isn't bad at all. If she says no, you find someone else and move on.

One thing is for sure though, if you wait too long to ask her out then you will definitely lose whatever chance you may have with her because I guarantee while you are wringing your hands worrying about whether or not she likes you, there will be another guy out there that isn't worried about that and will ask her out without hesitation. And she will probably say yes without hesitation as well. Basically, what I'm telling you is you will never have any success getting the girl you like if you don't take a chance.

 

[Tahuti]

You have stumbled yourself into the friendzone or worse and the only way out of it is to make yourself seemingly unavailable by dating someone else.

Dating someone makes others available.

 

[CavLancer]

If she says no you say, "Thank you, that's a relief, I thought I was going to lose that bet."

Nah, say "Okay bye." and smile.

 

[Narz]

IMO, its best to make romantic intentions clear pretty quickly (like within the first 4 hours), touch her alot (not grope, like touch you on the shoulder while you're talking), hold good eye contact, etc. If she doesn't take to it well she doesn't like you, if she does she probably would at least consider you. Once you lose the momentum its almost always too late (if you like a girl don't try to hide it, girls want sexual affections as well but they're less willing to take risk because there's more social stigma against them being forward about wanting a boyfriend/sex/etc & if you're pretending you only want to be friends/keep it platonic she will probably lose interest).

Life is short so best to seize the moments. Get accepted or rejected quickly & then you won't be left wondering. You can move on to the next candidate.

When you live in your head wondering you won't learn much. When you put yourself out there over & over you can at least analyze where you went wrong (or perhaps you're learn what type of girls are worth pursuing).

Once you're putting more energy in than the girl & the ratio is getting worse & worse its probably too late to salvage anything (this is from personal experience). So in answer to your question - Move On! You're in University, there are lots of new opportunities to meet women.

 

[Narz]

I'm going to assume you are young since you mention being in college. One of the things you are going to learn when you get older is to stop overanalyzing how women react around you. If you want to ask her out, don't wait for her to give you signals that she wants you to ask her out. Just do it. The worst that can happen is she says no. I know at your age that seems absolutely terrible, but trust me, rejection isn't bad at all. If she says no, you find someone else and move on.

One thing is for sure though, if you wait too long to ask her out then you will definitely lose whatever chance you may have with her because I guarantee while you are wringing your hands worrying about whether or not she likes you, there will be another guy out there that isn't worried about that and will ask her out without hesitation. And she will probably say yes without hesitation as well. Basically, what I'm telling you is you will never have any success getting the girl you like if you don't take a chance.

Pretty much this. Yeah.

Talking to girls isn't about saying the right thing, its about saying something & staying engaged & present. Be like Narz & keep it real.