CavLancer
This aint fertilizer
After all this work if he does get lucky I think he should share.
Should I assume she doesn't like me and just move on?
- Thread starter longtimelurker0
- Start date
Rashiminos
Fool Prophet
CavLancer
This aint fertilizer
Work?
Exhausting! Drama is Work for real men!
Narz
keeping it real
Not sure what you're asking. No woman must "spread 'em" as you beautifully put it but I like a woman who likes sex. Why would I want to court a woman who didn't like sex or had a worldview of "sex is for the man & he has to work for it"? My sexuality would be wasted on such a woman.
Rashiminos
Fool Prophet
We appear to have different definitions on what constitutes "work," or you're being facetious....
CavLancer
This aint fertilizer
Might not be so different having been a construction worker a fair portion of my life and yes, joking around.
Farm Boy
I hope you dance
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2010
- Messages
- 28,269
Oh silly goose. Courtship isn't working for sex or demanded by people who don't like physicality. Courtship is courtship. It's fun of its own right. Sex shared between people who like sex is fun. Orgasmic even. Sure, maybe it makes sense fast for a DTF date. Or series of dates. That's not for me, but at least I can see it being part of a worldview I think is somewhat irresponsible if not controlled. But if I'm interested in figuring out longer term compatibility, hence courtship instead of dating, it seems like it's not entirely out of place to focus on the interpersonal interaction, the dance, the whole bigass rest of the picture that isn't sex if I want a good idea if this relationship is something that's fun, tolerable, and workable when not gettin' busy. Because of course it is fun, tolerable, and workable when gettin' busy. If the relationship is good and the sex is lousy, the sex will get better. If the sex is good and the relationship is lousy, well, I'm hard pressed to think that the sex is actually going to make the rest of a lousy relationship decent. There is too much everything else for it to balance it out.
warpus
Sommerswerd asked me to change this
You're still single right? Now we know why,
Spoiler :
Yeah, that's the thing, I haven't been looking. That's why I'm single, and that's why I don't mind.
I've made my choices and I'm fine with them.
But come to think of it, isn't a kilometre and maybe one extra block a little modest for somebody who just climbed a bunch of mountains in Norway and literally jumped into a river?
If you had asked me 15 years ago if I would climb a mountain in Norway for a girl, I would have probably told you "You're damn right I would, there are a couple women I would do that for, in order to win them over."
But I have learned a lot since then. My answer now would be that I would be willing to climb a mountain in Norway with a woman. Because really, if I were looking for a girlfriend, I want an equal - not somebody who has to be convinced to be mine. That stuff's for one night stands.
And really, what the hell did this woman lose at the top of a mountain anyway? Or is she already there, and I have to rescue her?
If it's rescuing we're talking about - I would definitely climb a mountain to rescue a pretty lady. Even a not so pretty one. Because life is precious and all that, and climbing a mountain is well worth it if it means that a life is going to be saved. I mean, usually it's worth it even without that side benefit, so I would not mind at all. I hate seeing people die.
I just would not want to be with someone who I won over by climbing a mountain - imagine the expectations for the rest of that relationship. I'd be setting myself up for walks to the store, the lifting of boulders, and God knows what else.. "Remember when you climbed a mountain for me?!?? And now you don't even want to walk to the store to buy me tampons?"
Give me a partner in crime, not someone who expects heroic feats from me! I'll do heroic feats for the one I love, but not to win her over.
longtimelurker0
Chieftain
- Joined
- May 19, 2015
- Messages
- 26
It is a general consensus that I acted too slow. Looking back at my OP, when SHOULD I have asked her out? Right after the first night of us meeting? A little later than that? Also, if I were to act quick, how should I able to find out if she has a boyfriend? This particular one doesn't because her fb status says "Single" but many people hide their relationship status on facebook even to friends.
warpus
Sommerswerd asked me to change this
Don't overthink it, just feel out the situation and wait for a good opening. There are no clear answers to these questions, they are situation specific, IMO. (except the bf question, there are good ways of finding out)
sophie
Break My Heart
Let's run through what happened:
1) You met at the library and spent some hours studying/chatting/whatever
2) You chatted/possibly had a flirty interaction in class soon after
3) You guys friended each other on facebook
4) You ditched class for a week, and the next time you saw her you awkwardly smiled and waved at her from a distance
5) You didn't really make any effort thereafter to connect with her other than facebook.
The ideal would have been to ask her out after item #2. You've seen a bit of each other. You've had a few brief flirty interactions together and now you want to see if there's something there. It's casual, quick, clean, and if she says no the amount of awkwardness is fairly small. You can say ok and move on without much lost.
The other somewhat viable option would be to start going to class with her. The nice thing about being classmates is you have an easy way to spend time together and build a rapport. After a week or two of that you make your move in much the same way. This way you get a bit more time to put feelers out, read some signs, and decide for yourself if you really want to pursue this thing. This is also a good way to do it if your first handful of interactions with people are invariably awkward and it takes a bit of time to get comfortable around people. But this isn't really an ideal option. (NOTE: this also doesn't mean ignore her or dodge the question for months; take a week or two to build a rapport and then - this is the important part - ASK HER OUT).
Honestly what Warpus says is good advice. Don't overthink it. Be casual and friendly. Do a little flirting. You'll know in your gut when the time is right. The wrong thing to do would be agonize over it or let your rational mind overthink things. If you like her (and want to/feel ready to pursue a relationship <--IMPORTANT POINT) and you get a sense she likes you, ask her out. It's the only way to know for sure if she's into you.
As for finding out if she's single, there are plenty of options. Here are some in order of best:
1) Ask her out (if she's taken she'll say no)
2) Ask her if she's single (quick, direct, and a quick way of saying you're interested in her)
3) Ask her friends if she's single (a confidante can be helpful, but it's also a kinda lame way to go about it)
4) Ask a friend to ask her friends/her (super lame and wimpy - don't do this)
5) Spend some time around her. You'll find out soon enough.
Honestly if you spend enough time chatting her up you'll find out one way or another.
Manfred Belheim
Moaner Lisa
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2009
- Messages
- 8,634
I think the best course of action now is to stalk her for the next 15 or 20 years to try and find out exactly what she thinks and feels about everything in the most indirect and detached way possible. Only then will you have enough knowledge at your disposal to be able to work out exactly how she will react in all conceivable circumstances, allowing you to proceed with no unknowns and zero risk of surprises.
Borachio
Way past lunacy
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2012
- Messages
- 26,698
Nah!
Wait till she gets married and then make friends with the husband. Get to know them both really well and then have an affair with her behind her husband's (your friend's!!!) back. (Or with his knowledge and consent. I don't mind.)
Then she'll come to you one day, saying she's pregnant and asking what you're going to do about it.
And finally you realize you should have asked her out in the first place.
Wait till she gets married and then make friends with the husband. Get to know them both really well and then have an affair with her behind her husband's (your friend's!!!) back. (Or with his knowledge and consent. I don't mind.)
Then she'll come to you one day, saying she's pregnant and asking what you're going to do about it.
And finally you realize you should have asked her out in the first place.
Rashiminos
Fool Prophet
A day or two after.. a week at the latest...
She will tell you if a boyfriend will be a conflict.
CavLancer
This aint fertilizer
Ninety years old you are sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons. A elderly lady wanders up and sits on the other end of the bench and says "Can I share your pigeons, sonny?" You get talking about your lives and you really get along great. The more you talk the more you realize you share some common experiences, movies you liked, politics, food, music, activities, even a couple schools. After a while you realize who she is, this is t h e girl you should have asked out so many decades ago! You get along great! Could you? Should you? Why the hell not? "Young lady, would you do me the pleasure of having dinner out with me?" You wait for a response. Finally you look over and there she is laying on the ground. After a fine and full life she has gone to meet her maker. You realize you have waited too long.
You call the police on your cell phone and wait for them to arrive. Watching the pigeons search for food you look into your little sack and discover its empty. Some are flying off and you don't want to be alone. You spot her sack and look inside, its still full. Ninety years old you sit on a park bench feeding the pigeons, and wonder what might have been.
You call the police on your cell phone and wait for them to arrive. Watching the pigeons search for food you look into your little sack and discover its empty. Some are flying off and you don't want to be alone. You spot her sack and look inside, its still full. Ninety years old you sit on a park bench feeding the pigeons, and wonder what might have been.
Narz
keeping it real
Is it? I never liked it much. Its either pretty instant connection or none at all. I've never had the experience of "meh" turn into "yeah" with repeated exposure. Nothing to do with sex, this goes for friends as well as lovers. I don't like courting, I just like being with those I like being with. The "lets get to know each other dance & see if we're worthy of each other" is awful, I like to blast thru it as fast as possible.
Again I've heard of "sex getting better" but IMO people are who they are, no woman ever gets more attractive with time, waiting for attractiveness to build only happens in movies (usually the hard-working chump "wins" the girl in the end but who wants a woman you have to win?), its not about techniques so much as physical chemistry. If its not there it will never be there.
Assessing compatibility I agree is priority number one but I don't see why you have to refrain from screwing while you're going thru that process. I guess the sex may blind you to certain realities but so will loneliness, the desire for affection, pressure to marry/look like you have it together to friends & family/any number of factors that may be equally or more compelling than sex.
Different strokes, different folks.
The way I see it; you'll regret the thing only if you regret losing the opportunity of befriending her.
Try and be friends with her. If that doesn't do anything, you weren't meant to be anything more.
If you just leave it be, you'll keep on thinking, what could have been.
The touchstone is always that if you two can't be friends, you can't be lovers either. Push it as far as you can. If she doesn't like you, there's other girls who will, but she won't, no matter how much you put into it.
Try and be friends with her. If that doesn't do anything, you weren't meant to be anything more.
If you just leave it be, you'll keep on thinking, what could have been.
The touchstone is always that if you two can't be friends, you can't be lovers either. Push it as far as you can. If she doesn't like you, there's other girls who will, but she won't, no matter how much you put into it.
