TerraNES2: SilliNES Part 1: The Invisible Hand is In Your Pants

[Seon]

Euphrates,

Dearest Mother,

You must immediately prepare Ottdad for my arrival. My father has died in the company of two sheperdesses and succession must be made to happen. I am sure that you will shed tears at this news for several seconds, but you must be strong. His death poses a serious problem as our armies will be knocked out of commission even while the rebellion wages in the east, but the Otter God will give us strength to presevere I am sure.

Speaking of the Otter Gods, please silence any priests who objected to my father's unique interpretation of being a shepherd to his people. Let nobody doubt his piety. Also please dedicate a portion of our remaining treasury to building trading fleets in the newly conquered Mediterranean coasts. Hopefully the revenue from tariffs with our new maritime trading partners will supplement our income enough to lower tax rates.

Your Loving Son,

Prince Talim.



Ottdad,

Dearest Talim,

I have received your letter with grace but I'm afraid that you are basically telling your mother how to suck egg. I have been in the business of bettering the dynasty far longer than when you were born, and I do not think that I needed those instructions to already put them into action. In the meantime I'm afraid that my agents informed me that the shepherdesses that you mentioned became ladies-in-waiting and need to be disposed of. With your permission, I will take out the trash.

Meanwhile I have attached a golden dress and a white horse to this mail. Please arrive at Ottdad within 15 days. I have arranged a great celebration and people may not appreciate it if you arrive late.

 

[Terrance888]

Best. Story. Ever. :3

 

[Terrance888]

Orders due in five hours!

 

[Seon]

Otterman Orders

Organize a trading fleet to conduct trade with the rest of the world.

Organize semi-independent militia levies at the desert borders to act as rapid-response to desert raids.

Lower taxes.

On rebels: KILL THEM ALL.

 

[videonfan]

THE RISE OF MOTHER NATURE​

Hurricanes,death and despair.That was what Quiltec was full of the last few years.More and more hurricanes and earthquakes began happening and both the people and the theologians screamed of a divince punishment.Meanwhile,the expedition to the north lead to legend's being told about demonic creatures ready to attack Quiltec.

However,there was light at the end of the tunnel.Several self-proclaimed prophets started talking about how the Quiltecian Pantheon was foolish and instead mother nature began punishing the Quiltecians for their ignorance to her calling.They believed that the Quiltecians should glorify Mother Nature as a godess and not an arbitary pantheon.

Nevertheless,these "prophecies" weren't recieved with a light mood from the general population.They blamed these prophets for their suffering and demanded from the Tribal Council a hurried trial which would lead to their death.But in the end the response of the Tribal Council arrived slowly and by that time these "prophets" had gone missing.

Suddenly,more and more people started believing that they were indeed prophets send by nature and began converting.Their escape was believed to be divine,helped by the gracious Mother Nature.Although the belief itself was dismished from the Tribal Council,secret cults formed dedicated to the belief around Mother Nature.Even some members of the Tribal Council joined these cults,vowing to spread at every chance the word of mother nature...

 

[Tycho]

Spoiler :

Name: Stahfla
Capital: Cold Harbor (in the crook between Norway/Sweden)
Government: Absolute Monarchy/Feudalism
Economy: Mostly Stagnant
Culture: Jingoistic
Religion: Paganist
Army: 14500 Raiders, 5000 archers, 5500 militiamen
Navy: 184 longships

With the aggression of the Republic in the southern Jutland, they must be quelled and destroyed with harsh and deliberate force and justice. The Stafian Empire draws upon more conscripts of raiders and of archers, securing another six thousand raiders and five thousand archers and marches south, building another twenty longships at this time in order to pillage as far as they can into the Republic's territories using shock troops and seeking to hit and destroy cities and towns of opportunity should the case arise. A detachment of seventy longships in the meanwhile will be trusted in the protection of coastal waters, armed with an additional 40 fireships and ready to be used should the attack upon the homeland ever come. While the militia guard at home, a thirty thousand man horde of soldiers are ready to march south and crush the Republic once and for all.

 

[Matt0088]

Oguro Orders

- Stats are for chumps… and also for people who actually have other neighboring cultures on land.
- Acknowledging our new existence, hold yearlong celebrations of the most extravagant nature. Anyone who doesn't partake participate in "productive" and "helpful" things like constructing irrigation canals to improve the annual/bi-annual rice crop.
- In generations past, a sailor from the south would be a special occurrence worthy of celebration. Confused but also intrigued, the foreign nature of the small crew of explorers would dominate local talk for weeks. Recently however, travelers from the south appear almost every few cycles of the moon, lessening the magnitude of such serendipitous events. Wishing to return the favor, Oguro communities to the south, those which typically receive these travelers, will attempt to found a route overland to whatever civilizations lay to the south. Distrust of the sea will prevent any significant expedition on water, even if that’d be the sensible thing to do.
- One Oguro chief will make it his mission in life to construct a large obelisk on a mountain, to reach into the heavenly clouds. His subjects will grumble but every other Oguro will be impressed… or so he hopes!

 

[Terrance888]

Does that one Oguro chief has certain... deficiencies he feels self conscious about?

Also, orders due in TWO HOURAHZ.

 

[SmithRobloxian]

Capital's Plaza, Stadt des Palastes, Old Vaterland.​

The new Volks-König, August Otto stands on the podium as he gives a speech to the Sea Marines below.

Men, I have requested you all to come here for that I can tell you about our enemy, the filthy northern Stahflans. These men raid our lands and our homes, and they only do that for their own barbarian gain. They want to rip our country apart just so that they can bring home our culture for their incest-infected tribes! They think that we are weak-willed enough, and I'll admit that what the first Truppe done was cowardly, BUT WE ARE NOT! His voice echos throughout the plaza, his voice fulled with aggression. WE WERE GIVEN THE RIGHTS OF THUR TO RULE THE VATERLAND, AND WE WILL NOT LET THEM STRIP THOSE RIGHTS FROM U- August was then interrupted by a messenger, who tapped him on the shoulder.

Uh, Volks-König? The messenger said.

What is it? Can't you see that I am doing a speech! August replied.

Well, you know the 'barbarian' Stahfla, and how we are currently at war with them?

Don't be stupid, I already know we're at war with them, that what this speech is about!

Yes, well, they want to have peac-

Peace? August echos in disgust. PEACE?! THEY KILLED MANY OF OUR OWN PEOPLE, INCLUDING MY FATHER! He turns to the Marines, raising a fist into the air. WE WILL SLAUGHTER THEM LIKE THE ANIMALS THEY ARE! SLAYING A HUNDRED FOR EVERY ONE OF US! WE WILL REVENGE OUR DEFEATS WITH THE UTTER DESTRUCTION OF THEIR 'CIVILIZATION' AS THEY KNOW IT!

The Sea Marines cheered for him and the Republic, as there is no glory in defeat, and only victory can cure the dreaded long winters. The messenger left, a little shaken by August's acts of brutal aggression... Well, as long as the city stays intact and isn't destroyed by Stahfla, he doesn't need to worry, as everything will be alright. He hope...

 

[Terrance888]

Is it good or bad that this reminds me of TerraNES: The Civil Experiment? Especially a certain region of TerraNES? Especially a certain series of events in a certain region in TerraNES?

/me Facepalm.

Orders due in 30 minutes BIACHES.

 

[Matt0088]

Does that one Oguro chief has certain... deficiencies he feels self conscious about?

Nothing that a giant possibly phallic monument won't make people forget!

 

[Bair_the_Normal]

Whateverimcalled Orders

Just kill the people to the north of us. That is all.

 

[Tycho]

Is it good or bad that this reminds me of TerraNES: The Civil Experiment? Especially a certain region of TerraNES? Especially a certain series of events in a certain region in TerraNES?

/me Facepalm.

Orders due in 30 minutes BIACHES.

Not my fault this time. I was going to be isolationist here.

 

[Terrance888]

I will wait another 2 hours. I have so few orders. D:

If this dies, no one can blame me. >.> (or can they?)

Also, Bair's orders are FIGGEN ACCEPTABLE. That's right. That's basically near the minimum I would accept: probably a bit less, even.

 

[SouthernKing]

Kqjxa orders (or whatever):

KQJXA WILL GROW BIGGER

 

[Terrance888]

ACCEPTABLE BIACHES. D=<

 

[talonschild]

Maraca:

Stats are irrelevant. USE YOUR IMAGINATION.

Building up the fort into a town, with all the people simply flocking to the protection of our well-armed angry young men. The King's snivelling brother Bertram will rule over it, with secret instructions to the captain of the forces there to have him killed if he tries to do anything, and then to execute the soldier who assassinates him. At home, the King orders the building of new port facilities in anticipation of traders, again, simply flocking to the protection of our almost non-existent navy. Duties on cargoes will be light.

 

[Terrance888]

Update 4: Let the The Epic Failing Commence!
25 Years
100 Years since Beginning
Late Bronze Age
No Calendar Yet

Preface: You guys suck and you should feel bad about your selves. All I require from you guys is a single line of orders, plus copypasta&#8217;d stats which may or may not have changed. Here is the list of people who FAILED like the TOOLS they are merely 4 updates in. Jewel Hound, Buddy? You ok? King of Elves you too, com&#8217;n bro? Loser, why is your name so generic? Ork, man, keep up. Christos, really, I didn&#8217;t expect this outcome. Astronot, bro, at least you give me some warning. Greatkhan, whose missing orders came out of nowhere. Well, it didn&#8217;t come out of anywhere. Err&#8230; you know what I mean.

And here are the PARAGONS OF VIR&#8230; op, oh no. Most of you guys aren&#8217;t that good either. Seriously, ONE LINE OF ORDERS. Or an excuse. Either way. I had to extend the deadline by SIX HOURS. That&#8217;s a lifetime when deadlines are counted in days. Seon, sitcom writer of Mesopowatia. Bair the abnormal, mother of unspellable monstrosities. Southernprince, a troll with a human face. Youtubefan, some kind of foreigner who is very spaced out. Mattbro, jumping in at the last second. Typo, replaying events long past. IOT guy doing the same to NPCs. Smith, obliging him. A random active mediterranean player&#8230; playing as friggen malta. talonskid, keeping Australia/Anto/whatever alive. Kudos for sucking less!

Don&#8217;t let these harsh words faze you. Still love ya guys. Now to the Update. Oh yeah, Al Gore was friggen wrong. Climate change is a myth, and everything goes back to normal. Apparently god put an icepack on and forgot to take it off.


Australia

ONE PC LEFT WARNING

Maraca thinks itself so sarcastic, huh? Well get a load of this. Basically all that&#8217;s left of Wergaia joins them. How&#8217;s that for a refugee crisis? They also get the loyalty of a resettled Bergun like a boss. So now they got decent ships. Bad news is everyone hates the Wergaia, so basically everyone hates them&#8230; well, hates them more than before.


Ching Chong Chong Ching

Whachimicalled it was successful against the Whateveryousay and pushed them out of Whereeverthatwas and sending them fleeing into Somewhereelseimportant. They are invaded by Ooohrivalrysomething and they got to the Reallifenamething river, besieging the Whachimicalled it&#8217;s Capital.

Ogura succeed in finding the Somewhereelseimportant through the tribespeople of the Strangelycivilizedbarbarians.

Oguran chief makes massive phallic symbol. Gets worshipped by half (the female half) of Ogura. Some want to name him king. Others want to penetrate him with something sharper, made of bronze, up his butt and into his heart.


Middle of River Place and Eastern Inland Sea Area

Otterman fleet pulled by Otter-chariots reach Lotar.

It&#8217;s quite hard to grab sand. The Ottan did it somehow, something about &#8220;Mother will damn me if I fail!&#8221; Nomads and Rebels are as crushed as they can get, and are used to make sandcastles for otterbabies.

Lower taxes make Antiochians happy. A big Antiochian makes the Ottan&#8217;s mother very very happy. Things stabilize and the Otterman are now vacuuming wealth their new civilized territories and dusting malignants into the river.

Unnamed Eastern Mediterranean Empire thing invade Greece from behind the Giant Dirt Mound Thing and defeat them several times.

Malta is becoming culturally significant, and lots of people from various wars are migrating to Malta or lands under Maltese protection. Sicily &#8220;barb&#8221; areas want Maltese protection. Currently at war with Ieta. Desert nomads are impressed by their army and agree to friendship. Watermelons.


New World Place

The people of kqjxa increase their average size by 2 millimeters through diet management.

Quiltec&#8217;s Pachs invasion successful, and Pachs guys thrown into the sea. Very satisfying. The Yulpu poo themselves and want to join you peacefully now.

New ships and new trade is good, but they keep losing ships sending them to the Continent of Gods. Maybe the gods don&#8217;t want to mess around with men? I dunno.

Bribed natives are cool, but the rivals know about the Pachs invasion and you know what that means. D:


Ice Cold Place

Stafia wins war with heavy casualties. Juteland is conquered. Ostria is utterly ruined. Stafia runs out of manpower problem, and is starting to be raided by highlander clans in their homeland.

The Kingdom gets calls for aid against the Black Dogs. The Kingdom casts Magic! It doesn&#8217;t seem to have any effect whatsoever! The Kingdom casts Decree! It is super effective!

Black Dawgs pwn everyone. Land Roar not so lucky, they get penetrated by lots and lots of arrows and other nasty, sharp things. Red Foxes made like hunting and fled. Lerphyoll expands on Red Fox land. The Circle of Thistle ain&#8217;t want no Black Dawg help, mang. Black Dawg gansta.

Spoiler :

 

[talonschild]

BAHAHAHAHA I like this NES.

 

[mrrandomplayer]

Maltese merchants agree to trading and a semi-alliance with the desert nomads. The Maltese are happy to trade with the Sicilians, but they don't agree to full protection because they don't want to be dragged into a war. They are willing to mediate, however.