The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0

[Bobbtjoe]

Stop double-posting. And stop posting the same things in multiple threads.

What's double-posting? And the rules say that I can post in multiple threads.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

You can post in multiple threads, just not the same-things. Double posting is posting before another poster has posted. Both can be considered spam.

 

[Zack]

What's double-posting?

Its kinda self explanatory.

 

[Bobbtjoe]

Double posting is posting before another poster has posted

that made no sense. Could you explain clearer?

 

[Zack]

that made no sense. Could you explain clearer?

Double post: When you post twice in a row.

Kinda self explanatory, like I said before.

 

[Bobbtjoe]

Double post: When you post twice in a row.

Kinda self explanatory, like I said before.

thank you, z4chdabeast.




51 Ways to Annoy Everybody
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.

3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.

5) Improvise Italian operas.

6) Gossip about someone to their face.

7) Answer every question with a question.

8) Repeat yourself constantly.

9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.

10) Repeat yourself constantly.

11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.

12) Repeat yourself constantly.

13) Change what you repeat every now and then.

14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.

15) Change what you repeat every now and then.

16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.

17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.

18) Change what you repeat every now and then.

19) One word: Caffeine.

20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.

21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.

22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.

23) Change what you repeat again.

24) Speak in rapid Spanish.

25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.

26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.

27) Change what you repeat again.

28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.

29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.

30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.

31) Pretend to be drunk.

32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.

33) Change what you repeat again.

34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.

35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.

36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.

37) Change what you repeat again.

38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.

39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.

40) Pretend to be high.

41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

42) Change what you repeat again.

43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.

44) Speak in Gaelic.

45) Blink rapidly and constantly.

46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.

47) Strut.

48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."

51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

 

[classical_hero]

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!!

 

[Zack]

I'd like to meet Johnny's sister.

 

[Buster's Uncle]

thank you, z4chdabeast.




51 Ways to Annoy Everybody
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.

3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.

5) Improvise Italian operas.

6) Gossip about someone to their face.

7) Answer every question with a question.

8) Repeat yourself constantly.

9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.

10) Repeat yourself constantly.

11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.

12) Repeat yourself constantly.

13) Change what you repeat every now and then.

14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.

15) Change what you repeat every now and then.

16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.

17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.

18) Change what you repeat every now and then.

19) One word: Caffeine.

20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.

21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.

22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.

23) Change what you repeat again.

24) Speak in rapid Spanish.

25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.

26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.

27) Change what you repeat again.

28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.

29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.

30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.

31) Pretend to be drunk.

32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.

33) Change what you repeat again.

34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.

35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.

36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.

37) Change what you repeat again.

38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.

39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.

40) Pretend to be high.

41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

42) Change what you repeat again.

43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.

44) Speak in Gaelic.

45) Blink rapidly and constantly.

46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.

47) Strut.

48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.

50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."

51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

...You left out "Insult people who live in the mountains". “Hillbilly” is an ethic slur of a sort, you know…

Hippies, however, are fair game.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

"My grandparents were married for 68 years. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather died the very next day. The doctor said he died of a broken heart. And sternum. When the truck hit him, his neck snapped backwards and it pretty much crushed his spine. His head was unrecognizably maimed. It was actually quite horrible."

 

[cardgame]

"My grandparents were married for 68 years. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather died the very next day. The doctor said he died of a broken heart. And sternum. When the truck hit him, his neck snapped backwards and it pretty much crushed his spine. His head was unrecognizably maimed. It was actually quite horrible."

not funny

 

[Love]

I laughed

 

[tycoonist]

not funny

oh yes it is....

 

[Dumanios]

Bobbtjoe and Z4ckthebeast are in the same room for 5 Minutes,what happens?

Spoiler :

Being in the same will cause

Spoiler :

The apocalypse!

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping when at the same time, the wastebaskets next to their beds catch fire.
The engineer wakes and does some quick calculations as to how much water it would take to put out the fire, and pours that plus a lot more water on it.
The physicist wakes, calculates how much water it will take, and pours precisely that amount on the fire.
The mathematician wakes, writes the equations down, and says, "the answer exists" and goes back to sleep.

A police officer testifying in court...

Spoiler :

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

"I was having a conversation the other day that got really awkward because I kept blurting out curse words at random times throughout the discussion. I tried to explain that it was due to a disease that I have. It's called alcoholism."

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

I don't know, but I found this buzzword-laden piece to be funny. Here's an excerpt:

Tomorrow's drug companies will build rationally engineered multi-component molecular machines, not small molecule drugs isolated from tree bark or bread mold. These molecular machines will be assembled from discrete interchangeable modules designed using hierarchical simulation tools that resemble the tool chains used to build complex integrated circuits from simple nanoscale components. Guess-and-check wet chemistry can't scale. Hit or miss discovery lacks cross-product synergy. Digital Chemistry will change that.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

again.

Why shouldn't you click on a banner to take an IQ test?

Spoiler :

Because you won't like the score you're given.

Some medical joke.

An oncologist goes to check on his patient, a 90 year-old man with Alzheimer's disease and metastatic pancreatic cancer. The doc is about to start him on a new round of chemo, but when he goes to the patient's room, he's not there.

He demands of the nurse, "Where's my patient?"

"He took a turn for the worse and was transferred to the ICU. He looks like he's reached the end."

"My patients don't just die!" he says as he picks up the bag of chemo and marches to the ICU. When he gets there, he asks the charge nurse where he can find his patient.

"I'm sorry, Doctor, but he's gone. He was just at the end of his road."

"But where is he?"

Thinking the doctor wanted to pay his last respects, the nurse told him, "Connell Brothers Funeral Home."

The doctor picked up the bag of chemo, got in his car and drove to the funeral home. When he arrived, he marched up to the funeral director and said, "Where's my patient?"

"He's in the viewing room, sir."

The oncologist marched into the viewing room with the bag of chemo, ready to hook up his patient...but the casket was empty.

"Where's my patient?" he asked of the man in the suit.

"I'm sorry, sir, he's in dialysis."

 

[KaiserElectric]

A medical practitioner testifying in court...

Lawyer: So you classified the patient as "deceased"?

Doctor: Yes

L: Did you check for a pulse?

D: No

L: Did you check to see if he was breathing?

D: No

L: Did you try to find a heartbeat or check for any other vital signs?

D: No

L: So, you didn't check for a pulse, you didn't check for breathing, and you didn't check for a heartbeat or any other vital signs, is that right?

D: Yes

L: Why did you assume the patient was dead?

D: His brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.

L: But the patient could be alive, nevertheless?

D: Yes, I suppose he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

 

[salty mud]

How do you get all three Jonas Brothers on a bar stool?



Turn it upside down.

 

[amrita]

Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was
wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about
your homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my
homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,
just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking even
sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!