uat2d
ಠ_ಠ
Lol, yes
In French, 4 = Quatre and 5 = Cinc
In French, 4 = Quatre and 5 = Cinc
The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0
- Thread starter CCRunner
- Start date
dwaxe
is not a fanatic
So un deux troix sinks?
classical_hero
In whom I trust
People without any French knowledge won't get that one
Most people have rudimentary knowledge of French.
uat2d
ಠ_ಠ
Or that, I barely can understand French, I only know the basics which I already learned some years ago
Most people have rudimentary knowledge of French.
So do I (as shown by my mistake
), but some people might not even have the minimal knowledge of it 
Omni314
Prince
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Our Laughter, who lart in heaven,
lowed be thy name.
Thy rofldom come.
Thy lmao be done
on roflmaoland as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily laugh,
and forgive us our unlaughter,
as we forgive those who depress us,
and lead us into temptation,
but deliver us from depression.
uat2d
ಠ_ಠ
Our Laughter, who lart in heaven,
lowed be thy name.
Thy rofldom come.
Thy lmao be done
on roflmaoland as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily laugh,
and forgive us our unlaughter,
as we forgive those who depress us,
and lead us into temptation,
but deliver us from depression.
lulz
Fr8monkey
Deity
A Dieter's Prayer
Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain!
With my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleo margarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice
Cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujube's.
And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with the Saint's in heaven,
In a shining robe -- size 37.
Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain!
With my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleo margarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice
Cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujube's.
And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with the Saint's in heaven,
In a shining robe -- size 37.
RCN Signal Funnies from the Second World War
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signal from senior officer of escorts to wayward corvette:
"MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORESAKEN ME?"
From Admiralty to destroyer: "PROCEED WITH ALL DESPATCH."
From destroyer to Admiralty: "REQUEST DESTINATION."
From Admiralty to destroyer: "ADEN, REPEAT, ADEN."
From destroyer to Admiralty: "AM AT ADEN."
Canadian corvette to base: "AM TIED UP AT NO.5 BERTH."
From base to corvette: "SHOE LACES ARE TIED UP. HM. SHIPS ARE SECURED."
Base authority asks a corvette how long he would be before leaving harbour.
From corvette to base: "TWO HUNDRED AND FIVE FEET AS USUAL."
During a botched mid-ocean manoevre:
Senior officer to corvette: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Corvette to senior officer: "LEARNING."
Port Authority to corvette: "WHAT IS ALL THAT LAUNDRY HANGING UP FOR?"
Corvette to Port Authority: "SUBMIT, TO DRY."
Corvette to MTB: "GOOD LUCK."
MTB to corvette: "THANKS. ACTUALLY WE RELY ON SKILL."
Coastal Command aircraft signalling a ship off Rockall early in the war.
From aircraft: "WHAT SHIP?"
From ship: "GRAF SPEE."
From aircraft: "ARE YOU NAVAL TYPES STILL SO FAST ASLEEP THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THE END OF THE GRAF SPEE?"
From ship: "WHICH END?"
From ship to ship: "PLEASE SEND YOUR ARTIFICER TO SEE OUR FORWARD GUN."
Reply: "OUR ARTIFICER CAN SEE YOUR FORWARD GUN FROM HERE."
After a collision between two RCN warships.
Senior officer to assailant: "WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO NOW?"
Reply: "BUY A FARM."
From re-fitted carrier: "HOW DO I LOOK?"
Reply from escort: "GO BACK TO LOCH NESS."
At the end of hostilities...
From escort to F.O.N.F. (Flag Officer Newfoundland): "REQUEST PERMISSION TO F.O. FROM N.F."
From Destroyer to U.S. Blimp:
"KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, I HAVE A PIN."
To HMCS Coaticook from HMCS Levis after days of monotonous patrolling:
"13 HEBREWS 8"
Which read; "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and todaym and for ever."
HMCS Camrose passing Gibraltar:
From Gibraltar to Camrose: "WHAT SHIP?"
From Camrose to Gibraltar: "WHAT ROCK?"
December, 1941. A stormy sea and a boring patrol:
Corvette to Corvette: "COMMENCE HOSTILITIES WITH JAPAN."
Reply: "REQUEST PERMISSION TO FINISH BREAKFAST FIRST."
Random signal to RCN signal station at Abro:
"ABOUTS OF YOUR FATHER UNKNOWN. BELIEVED TO BE TRAVELLING THROUGH EUROPE DISGUISED AS A NUN."
British ship to Canadian ship, taking the latter in tow:
"TAKE MUMMY'S HAND."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signal from senior officer of escorts to wayward corvette:
"MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORESAKEN ME?"
From Admiralty to destroyer: "PROCEED WITH ALL DESPATCH."
From destroyer to Admiralty: "REQUEST DESTINATION."
From Admiralty to destroyer: "ADEN, REPEAT, ADEN."
From destroyer to Admiralty: "AM AT ADEN."
Canadian corvette to base: "AM TIED UP AT NO.5 BERTH."
From base to corvette: "SHOE LACES ARE TIED UP. HM. SHIPS ARE SECURED."
Base authority asks a corvette how long he would be before leaving harbour.
From corvette to base: "TWO HUNDRED AND FIVE FEET AS USUAL."
During a botched mid-ocean manoevre:
Senior officer to corvette: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Corvette to senior officer: "LEARNING."
Port Authority to corvette: "WHAT IS ALL THAT LAUNDRY HANGING UP FOR?"
Corvette to Port Authority: "SUBMIT, TO DRY."
Corvette to MTB: "GOOD LUCK."
MTB to corvette: "THANKS. ACTUALLY WE RELY ON SKILL."
Coastal Command aircraft signalling a ship off Rockall early in the war.
From aircraft: "WHAT SHIP?"
From ship: "GRAF SPEE."
From aircraft: "ARE YOU NAVAL TYPES STILL SO FAST ASLEEP THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THE END OF THE GRAF SPEE?"
From ship: "WHICH END?"
From ship to ship: "PLEASE SEND YOUR ARTIFICER TO SEE OUR FORWARD GUN."
Reply: "OUR ARTIFICER CAN SEE YOUR FORWARD GUN FROM HERE."
After a collision between two RCN warships.
Senior officer to assailant: "WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO NOW?"
Reply: "BUY A FARM."
From re-fitted carrier: "HOW DO I LOOK?"
Reply from escort: "GO BACK TO LOCH NESS."
At the end of hostilities...
From escort to F.O.N.F. (Flag Officer Newfoundland): "REQUEST PERMISSION TO F.O. FROM N.F."
From Destroyer to U.S. Blimp:
"KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, I HAVE A PIN."
To HMCS Coaticook from HMCS Levis after days of monotonous patrolling:
"13 HEBREWS 8"
Which read; "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and todaym and for ever."
HMCS Camrose passing Gibraltar:
From Gibraltar to Camrose: "WHAT SHIP?"
From Camrose to Gibraltar: "WHAT ROCK?"
December, 1941. A stormy sea and a boring patrol:
Corvette to Corvette: "COMMENCE HOSTILITIES WITH JAPAN."
Reply: "REQUEST PERMISSION TO FINISH BREAKFAST FIRST."
Random signal to RCN signal station at Abro:
"ABOUTS OF YOUR FATHER UNKNOWN. BELIEVED TO BE TRAVELLING THROUGH EUROPE DISGUISED AS A NUN."
British ship to Canadian ship, taking the latter in tow:
"TAKE MUMMY'S HAND."
madviking
north american scum
Dialogue between my friend and I today.
Friend - "Wait. So you're Jewish?"
<madvking pulls out a quarter from his pocket>
madviking - "Well. Only a quarter."
Friend - "Wait. So you're Jewish?"
<madvking pulls out a quarter from his pocket>
madviking - "Well. Only a quarter."
Omni314
Prince
just had to share this one from fml
Today, while my boyfriend and I were fighting in the car, I paused to take a bite of my burrito. Just at that moment, he slammed on the brakes, causing me to deepthroat my burrito. I threw up all over myself. He won the argument. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were fighting in the car, I paused to take a bite of my burrito. Just at that moment, he slammed on the brakes, causing me to deepthroat my burrito. I threw up all over myself. He won the argument. FML
Omni314
Prince
Yay double post
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture
for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what
would
happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture
for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what
would
happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
danjuno
Cole Phelps, Badge 1247
Barack Obama, George Bush II, and Bill Clinton are on a ship that is sinking. Barack Obama says "Women and children first!" George Bush says " XXXX them!". Bill Clinton says " Do we have time?"
classical_hero
In whom I trust
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyor belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, "I think you misheard, I said give Elmo two test tickles."
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyor belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, "I think you misheard, I said give Elmo two test tickles."
Teperi Blaze
Warlord
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2010
- Messages
- 225
Moderator Action: A bit too offensive joke deleted
Darth Caesar
Might be a Wizard
That's pretty good.
