The Llamast Jokes Thread... 3

[PhroX]

If a man without children tells a dad joke, is that a faux pas?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I found that I've been happier since I switched from coffee in the morning to orange juice.
My doctor credits the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I really think it's the Vodka.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

This Saturday is Mexico's 'Day of the Dead'.
Today is 'Day of It's Only a Cough'.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Are police dogs allowed to give regular dogs 'the sniff' without probable cause?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

 

[Ozbenno]

Today, my daughter asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 16 years old and she still doesn't know my name is Ben.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Q: Why are there no jokes about Jonestown?

A: The punch lines are too long.

 

[PhroX]

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible!
I'm sorry, I can't see you right now.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

Spoiler :

To prove he wasn't chicken.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Kid: Santa, what is the story of your reindeers' names?

Santa: Well, I named them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow.

Kid: What about Donner

Santa: The year was 1847. Heavy snow trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

 

[Serutan]

Kid: Santa, what is the story of your reindeers' names?

Santa: Well, I named them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow.

Kid: What about Donner

Santa: The year was 1847. Heavy snow trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

Kid : What about Blitzen?

Santa: The year was 1941. Heavy snow trapped us in Russia...

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I just realized that Donald J. Trump is the first Home Alone 2 actor to be impeached...

Donald J. Trump is also the first WWE Hall of Famer to be impeached...

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Archeologists have just opened a previously unknown burial chamber in a pyramid, and found it full of chocolate coated hazelnuts...
It is believed to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

We are just hours away from 2020... remember to raise your glasses at midnight!

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Cashier: Would you like cash back?

Me: Yes! I mean who wouldn't... there's Ring of Fire, Folsom Prison Blues, not to mention his Christmas Album.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

"Some people may be talking about New Year's diets, but I'm going to eat another cake!", I retorted.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

What is the difference between an actor and a mutual fund?

Spoiler :

A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Punctuation is important. It is the difference between...

I'm giving up drinking for a couple of months, and

I'm giving up. Drinking for a couple of months.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

You offer a sincere compliment on a great moustache and suddenly she's not your friend. - Marty Feldman

 

[Uncle Sparky]

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