For all those too lazy to go through the OP, it's only fair that I post the new additions here.
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RULE 21 ~ Regarding Road Trips:
This is a complex category of guidelines for manly behaviour and has been conveniently broken down for the male mind as follows:
I) Cars:
a) First up, it doesnt matter what kind of car you take. Whatever your finances allow for, whatever you love driving, take it.
b) However! Never take a road trip in your GF's car, that's what yours is for. She obviously never gets to drive your wheels unless on a road trip (see roles below)
c) You must pay constant attention to the condition of your car. Its a ladies job to neglect the upkeep of a vehicle.
d) However fast your car you must always challenge the fast ones. If you are old or young you may decide to do this in an aggressive or leisurely/discrete fashion. Either way, you must secretly covet the space in the lane in front of that Ferrari that just cruised past you.
Extra Special: Speed is of the essence.
II) The Roles Of Being A Road Trip Man: The distribution and appointment of these roles is naturally dependant on numberrs. But a Man should be aware of them and designate/delegate these to the inferior males wherever possible.
a)
Designated drivers: Anyone who refuses to drive fast fails to make it to the hot seat. Enduring a snail's pace piloting of the ship is simple torture for the speedfreak ~ see role of Driver.
b)
Technofreak: This role is increasingly required on modern road trips. There needs to be someone who can man the CD player, radio, use the mobile for arranging amazing manly things, battling with the satnav menu and so on.
c)
The Beatch: That means rolling the ciggies, passing the water, sorting out the food in the back seat, etc. If it's justs guys in the car then tough luck on the girly man
d)
Navigator: Granted that we now have satnav systems. But these don't all have sexy female voices and are far from commonplace. So you need a navigator. The crap driver is always a good candidate for this, as is the beatch (obvious points of weakness here though), hence this role can be assumed by anyone and is interchangeable.
e)
The Driver: Is exempt from all the above. He must simply chew up as much road on behalf of the boys and needs to be pampered constantly for their sterling effort.
III) All Other rules:
a) Long silences are ok, but not necessary (you could be putting the world to rights).
b) Bladderstops dictated by the one with the greatest control. This should be rolled up with blood circulation exercises (body is a temple remember). Note: If you stop at public toilets, there are specific guidelines issued above. Suffice to say here that the motto
Piss, wash, get out is always a good one.
c) Fatigue is a rude word. Only girly men in white coats would be sissy enough to say stuff like:
After 18 hours with no sleep your reflexes are as slow as if you were over the drink drive alcohol limit or
After two hours constant driving, your reactions have slowed significantly I mean really!!
d) Dictation of food stops comes from quality of outlet. You should be prepared to drive 50 miles down the road to get a steak, rather than stop now for some quiche. This should be obvious guys.
e) There are no unnessessary stops to look at wonderful vistas or look for bargains in that quaint antique shop. Get there as fast as possible. Unless you stop at the next pub for a beer or to buy a 'traveler' at the bottleshop ... or to buy a 'slab' (carton of 24 stubbies) for Ron (later on).
Extraneous Circumstances:
i) In the case of a romantic road trip with the GF: She only drives when the true driver is good for only sleeping. At all other times, shes in the passenger seat.
ii) In the case of a family road trip (ie. kids + wife): Well you're on your own there buddy. You made the mistake - you deal with it!
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RULE 22 ~ Regarding Your Nipples:
Just so you are clear - this is the line you need to tow if ever the subject comes up: "While only females have mammary glands, we all start out in a similar way in the embryo, the authors explain. The embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in."
Write it down. Memorise it. Practise saying it now.
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RULE 23 ~ Regarding The Consuming of Alcohol:
a) Do it.
b) As with cooking, bang on about your tipple of choice with plenty of superlatives, and derogatory statements about any rivals' beverages. [eg.: YOURS:
"Finest wine known to man", "Most complex arrangement of yeast and hops", "Matured in the finest {insert type of wood} barrels", "Puts hairs on your chest". ANY PRETENDER'S:
"Utter crap", "Rat piss", "Hogwash", "That's a woman's drink!"
c) Do
NOT EVER drink or order any of the following: ~ Babycham ~ White Wine Spritzer ~ Shandy ~ Frascati ~ Blue Nun ~ Bailey's ~ Archers ~ ANY alcopops ~ Tia Maria mixed with ANYTHING ~ Any other drinks with an overly sweet taste or an alarmingly synthetic colour.*
d) Find or make an excuse to use it in cooking, even if it's a bowl of breakfast cereal. (Yes scotch in oat porridge is delicious!)
e) Have a bar at home and tend it lovingly.
f) Now get drinking!
* If you have ever drunk any of these DON'T WORRY, it is not too late. Just recognise that you have been behaving like a woman who frequents bars masquerading as a man. Renounce your girly ways and all will be well again.
Cheers!
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RULE 24 ~ Regarding Contraception: This is really very simple and only two notes of guidance need to be given.
a)
A Real Man stands responsible for the consequences of his actions. This clearly applies to contraception. If you are going to have sex, you should be safe and you should be responsible. If you want to come up with some silly excuses to
not use contraception, then perhaps you should be following the Rules of Being A
Boy, or not being so disrespectful to the woman you are sharing your body with. SIDE NOTE: Ladies ~ It takes two to tango.
b) It is NOT smutty or sleazy to carry a condom in your wallet/pocket/wherever. Just remember this phrase:
"It is better to have one and not need it, than to need one and not have it."
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In fact Men should Never consume anything Minty !!!
Now a Mojito does it for me! (very easy for some idiot behind the bar to funk it up though)
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