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Theodora's Always War Sid Excellent Adventure

Discussion in 'Civ3 - Stories & Tales' started by handy900, Mar 29, 2005.

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  1. grs

    grs nameless one

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  2. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter Eleven

    Theodora cannot remember the last time she was this excited. She is beside herself with anticipation as she scans the Byzantine coast for Major Woody’s barge bringing news of the war in France. While she longs for French dyes and ivory, what she really desires is news that Joan has joined the chain gang along with Mao the little piggy. She laughs out loud at the though of Joan slaving away to rebuild the roads pillaged by the magnificent work of the dromons under the supervision of the Byzantine Admirals. It is Joan’s pain and loss that brings a real smile to Theodora’s face. “Joan is so smart, Joan is so cute, and she is sooooooo commercial and Industrious”. Theodora cannot stand to hear such things. Joan is so fat when she goes to the beach the nature lovers spend all day trying to drag her back into open water. Theodora is not like Joan at all, she is the most beautiful and wealthy queen in all the lands, and she gas impeccable taste. Theodora loves her sheeple and wants to provide them with luxuries to make them happy. Joan is just a fat, stupid and ugly bald has-been. And then there is Cleopatra. Theodora heard Cleo was worried she might turn into a nun because she spent so much time in the missionary position.

    Soon Theodora spots a dromon flying a large flag with a pair of heels and a salad. What great news! It’s the Byzantine flag of battle triumph!

    Later in the Palace:

    Theodora: Okay, let’s hear it, and I want all the details!

    Major Woody: As you know Theodora, during the attack on France our army of trebuchets and Longbows became stuck in a traffic jam during the march toward Lyons.

    Theodora: Ironic, that we are using trebuchets against France. But, yes, I recall the traffic jam. We deployed the Byzantine Babe bait & switch to pull the French SODs from the city so we could raze them. By the way, how long is your bow Major?

    Major Woody: :blush: Ugh...well...ugh..., as it turns out, the French were not leaving the city to chase the Byzantine Babe after all, despite her great beauty and wonderfully developed Byzantine wits.

    Theodora: Men are pigs, except when they are not. Of course they went after the Byzantine Babe. We have been over this before. It’s like they are programmed or something to chase a lone maiden. What other explanation could there be?

    Major Woody: Our interrogation of the French Generals reveals another reason.

    Theodora: What would that be?

    Major Woody: It turns out Joan insisted on directing the troops herself from Lyons, and Joan constantly ate beans during battle. Apparently she ugh…, has a problem with ugh…

    Theodora: Spit it out Major.

    Major Woody: She passed gas a lot from all those beans, and the troops could not stand the stench. They left the city to get away from Joan’s farts.

    Theodora: Joan of Fart :rotfl:

    Major Woody: Yeah, they called her that too. Anyway once Paris fell we were able to block the path of French settlers to the south.

    Theodora: Yes, I heard that Joan insisted on settling on top of the ruins almost immediately.

    Major Woody: She was relentless in resettling cities, but she was too dumb to provide and adequate garrison, and ultimately the French were toast. Get it?!? French Toast!

    Theodora: Ugh, leave the humor to me major.

    Major Woody: ugh…sure.

    Theodora: Who is that next to you Major?

    Major Woody: It’s our battle photographer. Since our photo capacity is limited, I’ll just show you this one.


    Theodora: :bounce: And Joan of Fart is now building roads along with the little piggy Mao?

    Major Woody: Yes. They are oinking and farting their way to the coast as we speak.

    Theodora: Excellent.
    Where is General Mayhem? I want a report on the redneck Sumerian farmers. They are so redneck they think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. No wonder they liked Joan so much.

    General Mayhem: Hmm, lots of fart humor today. Anyway, at your request I brought along photos of the Sumerian version of the Byzantine Babe Bait & Switch.

    Below is phase one. We had scout the entire Sumerian lands to find a tile where we could not be reached by Sumerian knights and killed on the IBT. There was only one such tile on the entire island, and even then we had to kill a stack of knights to create the space. You can see here a closeup of the beautiful Byzantine Babe.



    Theodora: And the ploy worked? I recall we were afraid the Sumerians would not go for it. The Sumerians are such redneck farmers that to them loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk.

    General Mayhem: That's right. And you are well aware that in Sumeria the women are ugly and the sheep are nervous. In the end though, they fell hard for the beautiful Byzantine women. Things worked so well we were able to raze Lagash and Akshak to make some space for the next Byzantine Babe manuver. We burned Magellans in Akshak so Sumeria could not use it, and since we were far from obtaining the technology to use it ourselves. After we razed Akshak, we dropped the beautifu Byzantine Babe on the tip of the peninsula and this really opened up the Sumerian lands for our armies.

    Sumeria takes the bait. Note the lack of Sumerian roads due to earlier pillaging by the army/explorer combo. The furs near Ur have a road because there was a big stack parked on top of the furs.


    Sumeria moves closer. Each pike you see is a giant SOD of Pikes, LB, MI


    The babe will exit via the boat before she is captured.


    Theodora: Executed to perfection General.

    General Mayhem: Thanks. But, ugh… we do have one small issue Theodora.

    Theodora: Yes?

    General Mayhem: Sumeria got some new smoke poles called rifles in 1560. They are a lot better than our muskets and the rednecks call them rifles. They are a lot harder to kill than the old Sumerian pikes. It does not appear they have very many as they are short of cash for upgrades.

    Theodora: Ahhh bigger and better smoke poles. You know how guns get me wound up, almost as much as a shoe sale or a night of show tunes. Don’t worry, just throw enough rocks at them and they’ll drop their rifles and flee. As for you, start building knights. I have this idea to build some better muskets, we’ll call them rifles too. Then I’ll equip the knights with rifles, dress them with lots of buttons, really fancy feathers in their hats and shiny riding boots up over the calf.

    General Mayhem: Sounds great! What will we call them?

    Theodora: :hmm: Calf boots and rifles…. How about Calfalry!

    General Mayhem: Calfalry huh? I think it needs some work.

    "Okay, I’ll think about it " replied Theodora as she left the room with a huge smile on her face and a bounce in her step. Sumeria on the run, Joan and Mao building roads, Cleo bombed into oblivion and Alex weeping like a little girl. If only Theodora could find a way to convince :love: Caesar to come and be her boy toy. Theodora loves Caesar because he is man enough to wear a dress. Well, not exactly love, more like a controlling obsessive lust, but a four-letter word starting with L nonetheless. She became a bit philosophical as her thoughts turned to Caesar. She has been reading a book about true love and a thoughtful and touching passage leapt into her mind as a tear came to her eye. Well, not exactly a tear, but you get the idea.
    …If you love something, set it free…
    …If it returns to you, it’s yours forever…
    …If it does not return, hunt it down and kill it…
     
  3. Point13

    Point13 Like a ton of bricks!

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    Gosh I'm addicted. STOP!
     
  4. wildWolverine

    wildWolverine L'Etat, c'est moi

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    You said that you planned on using Dromons to destroy any AI boats before they saw your shores, preventing the computer from knowing the exact location of your island. But once you make contact, can't they establish an embassy in your capital -- finding out where it is?
     
  5. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Doc T or another game mechanic expert lurking here can give a 100% definitive answer to this. But IIRC you cannot build an embassy while at war. I declare when I meet them, so no embassy. If the AI was smart, they could see the solution, build a big fleet and knock me out easily.

    But they gave up on boats early on.
     
  6. T-Money

    T-Money Conquestador

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    I'm pretty sure you're right about not being able to build embassies in wartime. I don't remember ever being able to do it, but then again I might not have tried.

    Anyway..I haven't checked in in a while, but this is great. I don't know how you're avoiding moderator censorship with these jokes, but keep it up!
     
  7. wildWolverine

    wildWolverine L'Etat, c'est moi

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    Ah. I should have thought of that... :blush:

    Great Story!
     
  8. Whomp

    Whomp Keep Calm and Carry On Retired Moderator

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    :lol: Handy you are one funny freakin' dude.
     
  9. bed_head7

    bed_head7 Deity

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    Embassies can NOT be established during war time.

    However, as far as I know part of the AI advantage is knowing the location of everything, including Theodora's island.
     
  10. rbis4rbb

    rbis4rbb Sid

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    lol @ how long is your bow. Whenever I see that little smiley, I know Major Woody is talking
     
  11. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    :hmm: Did not think of that. But there are no FCC banned words and this is pretty much fifth grade humor level, so I hope it's okay. You're never too old for fifth grade humor! Also, the :worship: moderators :worship: do have an extremely large monument that Theodora built in their honor on the Wall of the Greats from the remains of the SoZ. But I'll edit out stuff if need be since I want to maintain my standing as a good sheeple. If this were a movie I'm pretty sure it would get a "G" rating. :thumbsup:
     
  12. Whomp

    Whomp Keep Calm and Carry On Retired Moderator

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    I think it's fine Handy. What's wrong with sheeple, bikini babe explorers, wits, long bows...I've heard worse on Friends.
     
  13. T-Money

    T-Money Conquestador

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    I'm not complaining or anything.....I was referring more to the "Keep it up, Major Woody" kind of stuff. I just don't know how he does it... :lol:
     
  14. Dachs

    Dachs Hero of the Soviet Union

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    ...and you're one to talk, with your sig! I don't care, it makes things a lot more interesting than a simple turnlog.
     
  15. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter Twelve

    Somewhere deep in the Greek mountains a secret meeting has been called. In attendance are Gilgamesh, Cleo, Alex, Caesar and The Aztec dude who name loosely translates as “Hard to Type”.

    Alex: Thank you all for coming. I believe you all know why we are here, and you have read the briefing books. Caesar that does not look like a briefing book in your hands, what is it?

    Caesar: Ugh… nothing. Never mind.

    Alex: No, tell us.

    Caesar: Well… it’s the latest copy of Byzantine Illustrated.

    Gil: :wow: The swimsuit Issue!?!?!? Let me see, let me see!

    Alex: Gil, you of all people! Theodora has razed two of your cities and marches on your capital and all you care about is the swimsuit issue. Get a grip on yourself man!

    Cleo: Looks like he already has a grip on himself Alex. Here Gil, let me help you with that. My what a nice pike you have.

    Gil: I bet you say that to all the boys.

    Cleo: Yeah, pretty much.

    Alex: STOP IT! We are in mortal danger and all you people care about is … well…stuff that doesn’t matter.

    Aztec Dude: Hey Cleo, care to help me out?

    Cleo: Forget it spear boy, you are as ugly as I heard. Even I have standards. You're so ugly, when your mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering. And take that stupid sock out of your trousers for crying out loud.

    Alex: Please people, we are at war!

    Caesar: I choose to think of it more as a little lover’s spat.

    Gil: Easy for you so say, Theodora loves you. Well not exactly love, more like an obsessive controlling dysfunctional lust, but we should all be so lucky. What a set of wits she has. By the way, what’s with the dress Caesar? You can get your butt kicked by a redneck in Sumeria for wearing a matching dress and sandals like that.

    Caesar: Alex also has a dress on.

    Gil: Yeah, but we expect that kind of thing from him.

    Alex: Sigh. Please people listen up. I’ve have brought in the world’s best strategic military planner to tell us how to win this war. Here he is now. I’m sure you all recognize General Insight.

    General Insight: Good afternoon everyone.

    Cleo: Aren’t you the guy Joan was using.

    General Insight: No, she was using General Disaster.

    Cleo: Oh. Are you busy later? Wanna see my tatoo?

    General Insight: Err... ugh...I have studied the situation and rest assured you can rid yourselves of Theodora in 20 turns or less.

    Gil: How so?

    General Insight: Gil, you must build Frigates and Galleons and push your way through to Theodora’s homelands. Only warriors guard the homelands and your knights and rifles can easily destroy her once you reach her shores.

    Alex: What about the dromons? They are everywhere.

    General Insight: Fear not. Your Caravels can easily clear a path to Theodora’s shores. And your build rate is so advantageous, you can afford to lose many boats to the dromons and still penetrate the defenses. You have all the advantage you need.

    Cleo: Penetrate, I love that word! :love: Say it again and I'll give you a backrub General.

    Alex: Geez Cleo, can’t you see he’s busy?

    Aztec Dude: I’m not busy.

    Gil: Shut up spear boy. It is an interesting theory General, but aren’t you a little outside the box with this plan? We would have to disband units to do this, and my instincts tell me to build land units where I have the edge, not sea units where I am weak. After all, the best defense is a good defense.

    General Insight: But your land units are always leaving cities to chase down a single Byzantine unit and leaving your cities exposed. You must protect your cities.

    Caesar: But we have great odds against the lone Byzantine Maiden, and they are so hot. We must attack in size!

    Cleo: You have great odds if you attack me with size Caesar.

    General Insight: But 400 units to capture a lone Byzantine babe? Isn’t that excessive? Why not send 4 knights and maintain a garrison in your cities? Size is great, but this is overkill.

    Caesar: Have you seen the wits on those maidens General?

    Gil: He’s got a point general.

    Cleo: I can actually see his point from over here.

    Gil: Also keep in mind General, that maidens always say that size matters.

    Cleo: He’s right about the size thing you know.

    General Insight: :rolleyes: You people are doomed.

    Meanwhile, back at Byzantine headquarters:

    Theodora: Do you have the plans for the Sumerian invasion ready General Mayhem?

    General Mayhem: Yes worthy Queen.

    Theodora: Show me. Hey! Don’t show me that General, show me the map of the invasion plans.

    General Mayhem: Oops sorry! Yes of course, show you wanted to see the battle plans. Slide one please Major Woody.



    General Mayhem: As you can see we plan to split the armies up into a red and blue force. Attack force Alpha is in blue, and Beta is Red. We should have ample trebs to move on two attack paths. Our trebs are as ample as your wits. We expect Gil to resettle lands, so we may have to make two laps around Sumeria. Once we raze all of the large cities, Alpha will sail to Greece while Beta mops up the small resettled areas. Should be tedious work, but we expect it to go smoothly despite the size of Gil’s power graph and the fact we are weak compared to him.

    Theodora: Gils power graph makes me a little weak. Show me the current military inventory.

    Major Woody: Here is the unit inventory. 104 trebs should be enough.


    Theodora: Oooooh, 104 trebs! That’s a lot of rocks. Please tell me that the armies still have only 2 units loaded so caravels can transport them.

    Major Woody: Yes, we only placed an extra musket in one army, just to be safe. We were a little confused by the math involved in calculating when an army will be attacked. Math is hard. The 2 unit LB and Knight armies work just fine after we launch a few rocks and sheep over the Sumerian walls.

    Theodora: Yes, math is indeed hard. But from the looks of it, it’s not the only thing that’s hard Major Woody. :lol:

    Major Woody: :blush:

    And with that Theodora exited her throne room to check out the newest shoe styles using the recently acquired French dyes and ivory.
     
  16. rbis4rbb

    rbis4rbb Sid

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    lol @ Alex being the only sane one
     
  17. tR1cKy

    tR1cKy taking over the world

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    Man, this story ROX!
    I've used your Byzantine Babe tactics (under a different shape) for my current game log :thumbsup:
     
  18. LSNDuck

    LSNDuck Chieftain

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    Thank you for this great story. You have inspired me to try something new (AW, with the Byzantines, a new civ for me) and I am loving it.

    Quack!
     
  19. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    There is a less humorous more tactical AWS overview HERE that might help some. :D
     
  20. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter Thirteen

    Theodora has assembled her military and economic advisors in the throne room for an update. With Joan and Mao building roads in the former French lands Theodora has turned her attention to the technically advanced Sumerians who control three luxuries that Theodora craves. She can only imagine what it will be like to parade in front of Joan clothed in Sumerian silks with Sumerian furs draped around her shoulders and Sumerian gems dripping from her hands and neck. Theodora hates Joan, and takes great pleasure in Joan’s current situation. She especially likes making Joan watch as she strolls down the countryside Joan used to rule. Theodora’s fashion advisors tell her of women who pierce their bodies for the purpose of wearing Sumerian gems. Theodora is not too sure about this piercing thing. They use needles to do that stuff, and needles hurt. But if that’s what it takes to be in fashion, Theodora is willing to pay the price. After all, she has been wearing uncomfortable shoes for centuries. Theodora smiles as she realizes that she would rather be a slave to fashion, than a slave on a road crew like Joan.

    Theodora: What year is it anyway? And who is that beside you?

    General Mayhem: It is 1685, and this is General Overview.

    General Overview: Good morning Theodora, I bring you good news from the last 100 years on the battlefields of Sumeria. Your plan was excellent.

    Theodora: Of course it was, tell me something I don’t know.

    General Overview: Let me begin by discussing the map below which displays operation Divide and Conquer. As you can see, we divided the army to keep the pressure on the Sumerian Generals.

    Before – 1585


    After - 1685


    Theodora: What’s the first city you killed.

    General Overview: Erech.

    Theodora: :hmm: Interesting name for a civilization with a big power graph. I suppose former citizens of Erech shun their leaders.

    General Overview: I guess so. After we razed Erech in 1585 we created a lot of space. We then moved along as fast as our oxen could pull the trebuchets and managed to raze several Sumerian cities over the next 100 years. By 1685 there was only 1 of the original Sumerian cities left, and three new towns of population one.

    Theodora: Were the rifles any trouble?

    General Overview: Not really, we threw loads of rocks at them and then killed them with armies. Gil’s General’s pleaded with their troops to return and protect the cities, but they spent all their time in the countryside hoping for a glimpse of a Byzantine Bikini Babe Tanning Team.

    Theodora: What did you expect? The Sumerians are just a bunch of science nerds and redneck farmers. I knew the rednecks would drop everything for a shot at a Byzantine maiden. Once we let it leak to the press that the Byzantine Babe was their cousin, the rednecks were really hot for her. Apparently the family trees of the rednecks don’t have many forks.

    I understand the nerds were not attracted to the babes, but lucky for us, there is a new Star Wars movie coming out, and the nerds have been in line for months. So research was at a standstill.

    General Overview: :confused: What is Star Wars?

    Theodora: Never mind that.

    General Overview: I did learn a few things as we crossed the country razing cities.

    Theodora: Such as?

    General Overview: Apparently “fast food” for the rednecks is when a knight kills a squirrel while galloping along the road. And most of the slaves we captured recall fifth grade as the best 6 years of their life. And they all think a subdivision is a math problem. And many have pulled money out of a 401k to bail a relative out of jail. And their bass boat payments are larger than their house payments. And all their houses are on wheels and seem to attract tornados. And many have picutres of Jesus, Elvis and Dale on their living room walls like the one below.



    Theodora: Okay okay! I get the picture. Yes, they are a strange people. Were it not for the nerds, they would not be so technically advanced. Apparently there was a big internal debate because the rednecks wanted to research motorized transportation. Not for tanks, but rather in the hopes of one day building a wonder called the Daytona International Speedway whatever that is. The nerds on the other hand were dying to race up the tech tree to build rockets, but some government bureaucrats won the day and researched fascism and revolted instead. Quite an interesting lot, those Sumerians.

    General Overview: What is surprising is that by the end of 1685 we were still weak compared to Sumeria despite the fact we had 110 trebs, 12 armies, 37 knights, 54 LB, 22 muskets 54 dromons and 32 caravels.

    Theodora: I think the same guys who are doing the power ratings are the one who thought OJ was innocent.

    General Overview: Who’s OJ?

    Theodora: Never mind, it’s not important. I notice that in 4 turns we will learn metallurgy. Finish up with Sumeria and then ship the trebs to the town of Byzantium where we have a harbor that is a part of the trade network. There is a barracks there where you can upgrade the trebs to cannon. Alex is in for a shocker when he gets a load of the big guns coming his way. I love big guns. How big is your gun General?

    General Overview: :blush:

    Theodora: Where are my economic advisors?

    AlanGreenspaodora: At your service.

    Theodora: I see you remembered to wear your little girl-scout uniform for me, and the cookies are great. Are you building Banks and Universities in the core as I instructed.

    AG: Yes, many are complete with the remainder to follow soon. Research is at 30% and the lux slider is at zero with a few size 12 cities using 1 specialist.

    Theodora: Good. We’ll soon have 7 luxuries, so happiness will never be a problem.

    AG: yes, we will be in perpetual “We Love the Queen” day mode.

    Theodora: Ugh… it was my understanding that we’ve been in “We love the Queen Day” since, oh, about 4000bc. Just for that, next time it’s a G-string for you AG!

    AG: As you wish. Is that all?

    Theodora: Yes, where are the diplomats? Is there any word from Caesar? Did he get the cheerleader outfits I sent to him?

    Diplomats: Caesar longs for peace, but he cannot accept your demands.

    Theodora: Demands!?! I did not send him a list of demands. I sent him a list of needs. I’m saddened… sort of… a little… by his continued unwillingness to meet my needs. I love him… kind of… and I’m sure that making me happy would make him happy. I stand here willing to let him make me happy all of the time. Is that not enough?

    Tell Caesar I promise not to raze Rome and I’ll let his palace remain for my summer home. I’ll even throw in a title of princess and a whole new spring line of Sumerian silk dresses, furs, and gems for him to prance about in. He can spend hours at the mall while I try on clothes, listening to me gossip with my friends during lunch and going to the fashion shows in New Paris with me. No real man can refuse an offer like that.

    Satisfied with her offer, Theodora strode from the throne room certain that the thought of spending his days pleasing her would close the deal with Caesar. With a new confidence based on the imminent death of Sumeria and her “relationship” with Caesar, Theodora called for her royal barge. Set a course for France, she said, humiliating Joan never grows old.
     
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