This is the Geoff Show - A Half-Life Tale

[Kan' Sharuminar]

To touch is to feel, to know is to believe. The time has come to feel, to know, to believe. From the darkness came a gnome. This is the Geoff Show!

Prologue: The Gnomeless Early Life of Kan’ Sharuminar

Let it be understood that I write the following tale not intending to be considered the main hero. It is true that I have done some rather wonderful things, which I’ll get into shortly, but I am not the champion of this story. That person is…well, I’ll get into that sometime later.

My story began shortly after being offered a job as a theoretical physicist at a laboratory in New Mexico. At first I found this comical as, well, I’ve never shown any sort of aptitude for physics…or any science for that matter. Add in the fact I live over a thousand miles from New Mexico, and I have to question the sensibilities of their headhunting staff. Still, minimum wage and every other weekend off, how hard can it be?


You want me to push the glowy thingy into the sparkly thingy?

Long story short, I kind of blew up New Mexico.

That’s alright though, as I survived it. And a trip to another world, which was harrowing, rather odd, and filled with the sort of creatures one can only dream about.



Okay, maybe not that creature. I don’t really dream about that sort of thing. Often. Look, I have a beard, alright, I’m manly! I beat people down with my long hard staff!



Oh god!

Moving on, I returned to the world a couple decades later and it turns out everything has gone a bit mad. Earth has been conquered, there’s a resistance fighting it out in some place called City 17, and I’m being regarded as some sort of saviour who knows how to sort everything out, and they look to me on what to do.

Long story short, I kind of blew up City 17.

Again, survived. What the devil is this suit I’m wearing made of? Indestructus Lazerusium (I’m a scientist, dammit, it works). A quick dash to the train station later, and I manage to outrun the rather massive explosion that I caused. Wonderful.

Except not so much, as said explosion caused the train to crash, and then I was terribly worried about the state of things. Things like gravity. That weighed heavily on my mind at the time…

 

[Captain2]

bloody gnome!

however I welcome my arch nemesis to the board

 

[schlaufuchs]

Oh no you didn't! What happened to the Oblivion AAR? How could you, I don't think I could ever forgive you!

You jerk! From here on, you'll see no more of me on your AARs! That's right bub! I'm boycotting you, you inconsiderate jerk!

Spoiler :

.../subscribe

 

[GenMarshall]

Kan accidently City 17

 

[Kan' Sharuminar]

To touch is to feel, to know is to believe. The time has come to feel, to know, to believe. From the darkness came a gnome. This is the Geoff Show!

Part One: Please Check you Have your Gnome Before Departing the Train

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.



I’ve decided that this train probably isn’t going to make it to its final destination. Unless that destination was in fact the bottom of a rocky ravine, as that appears to be where its heading. I haven’t got my ticket on me to check. Gosh, if the conductor comes round that’s a £50 fine.

Priorities man, priorities!

I attempt some careful crawling through the carriage, but then it gives a terrible shudder and I decide that maybe just legging it will be the better option. This has always worked well for me in the past, and it’s come just as handy as ‘hiding in a small closet and hoping they don’t have grenades.’

They normally do, as it turns…oh hullo.



This is Alyx, one of the few companions I’ve had in my battles who hasn’t been killed. Because the mortality rate of my comrades is roughly 97-99%, I consider this a pretty good reason to remain patient with her during her more unhelpful moments.

“Kan! I’ll just let you handle all those combine troopers with a few sentry guns while I stay behind. Striders? I’m sure you can deal with them! What‘s that? Yes I am pretty comfortable back here in my sealed room, thank you for asking.”

Etc etc.

Still, she’s pretty quick on the mark here, and immediately grabs the conveniently placed gravity gun and tears me a new escape route.


I’d say something clever like ‘nice arsenal’, but I won’t, as that’s not really clever at all.

After said rescue Alyx wants us to go get a better view of the citadel collapsing, and I follow because I’m an idiot. I know full well that everywhere she leads me things start exploding, there are bullets and screaming, and that if I only just left and lived a life as a hermit - only coming out every ten years to swap stories with other hermits - then I might live a happier life. But I won’t as I’m far too polite.

Of course, If I did such I thing then I could not meet the most wonderful companion a time-travelling, planet-jumping, life-saving doctor could ever have.



Not that one, Captain2. Not that one.

 

[Captain2]

*grumbles* its never that one

 

[GoodGame]

I take it this tale isn't centered on a particular episode of HL?

 

[Kan' Sharuminar]

I take it this tale isn't centered on a particular episode of HL?

It's Half-Life 2, Episode 2. It's the only one with Geoff in it

 

[GenMarshall]

It's Half-Life 2, Episode 2. It's the only one with Geoff in it

Unless you have Gmod, in which you can spawn him in a HL2 map

 

[Kan' Sharuminar]

To touch is to feel, to know is to believe. The time has come to feel, to know, to believe. From the darkness came a gnome. This is the Geoff Show!

Part Two: To the White Forest (of Gnomes)

One rescue later, and I feel a bit better about my situation. I have my gravity-gun back, there doesn’t appear to be anyone trying to kill me, and I’m outside the train-of-death. At this point I would be happy to put my hermit plan into action, but Alyx heard vortigaunts, and heaven knows there’s nothing I like better than running around looking for weird frog-aliens.

We’re distracted by something shiny, though.



So that’s what’s left of the citadel, which I exploded very recently, presumably killing the thousands of people (I say people, I’m being liberal here) inside. It then exploded again, presumably killing many more thousands of people (and this time, actual human beings) who hadn’t evacuated the city yet. Whups.

Still, I’m sure not blowing it up would have been far worse. At least it can’t explode a third time.



The explosion is powerful enough that the shockwave reaches us, causing the train bridge I was just on to completely collapse. Which means if there are any survivors taking refuge in structurally unsound locations, I can consider them part of my “whups, sorry I killed you” list.

I’m fine though, just feeling a bit fuzzy. I imagine it’s what a television feels like just after it’s been switched off.

Deciding to continue our search for the frog-aliens, Alyx and I find an abandoned mine conveniently opened up for us by the rail-bridge collapse. It’s dusty, cold, and filled with the remains of dead zombies and antlions. Alyx comments that it’s very possible the rebels use the place as a base.


Oh yeah, very homely. A pot of paint and it’s a real fixer-upper.

Thankfully it’s a very small mine and only has a couple of creatures left in it, and these ones are happier to fight each other than me. Since I’m armed only with a gravity gun and a plastic bottle of white cider, I’m happy to stand back and let them duke it out.



It was an unremarkable hut, from the outside, which is probably why it was used by the rebels. Looking back, my overriding memory is a strong desire to ‘interact’ with the door, as if there was something inside awaiting me, demanding my presence. With trembling hands, I turned the handle and let the door fall open. I took a step inside, and let my eyes adapt to the darkness.

From the darkness, there came a gnome…

 

[Kan' Sharuminar]

Ooh, and full credit for the last picture goes to CivGeneral, as I'm rubbish with GMod

 

[Till]

It's Half-Life 2, Episode 2. It's the only one with Geoff in it

Bah! We all know the real reason is that you don't want to give me a cliff's note summary of Half Life 2 after having made me play it, so that i can't pretend to have finished the game before i do.

 

[Serutan]

Got at touch of attention deficit syndrome these days, Kan?

 

[Jos Ballenbak]

sigh.... and here I was hoping for an update on the soviet front...

This looks like a good read though!

 

[Kan' Sharuminar]

Got at touch of attention deficit syndrome these days, Kan?

I don't know what you're talking about. Shall I create a new AAR about it?

 

[Dell19]

Finished this over the weekend just in case there were any spoilers.

Given the ending it seems curious that part 3 hasn't been released and there doesn't seem to be much info about it.

 

[Maniacal]

SQUEEE! *giggles*

The last shot is awesome. Also update.

 

[Dachs]

Given the ending it seems curious that part 3 hasn't been released and there doesn't seem to be much info about it.

Not curious at all: Valve delays things. Always. See (most egregiously): HL2, Portal 2

 

[GoodGame]

They do delay (HL2 took years), but I'm really confident they found Steam to be such a good investment that it consumed all their energies, including projects that would boost Valve's servers---multiplayer stuff like L4D.

I'm betting HL2: Ep3 will come out in a decade, if ever.

 

[Dell19]

Kan's AARs seem to be getting shorter and shorter before they die...