Angst
Rambling and inconsistent
Listening to a sad song by Mew I've been thinking tonight... Feeling that my personal life has been slightly difficult to overlook once again, I will attemp to share my terms with you guys in here. I'm not directly sad, I'm just, well, silent in some way right now? The events during the last couple of days are almost culminating, and tomorrow I will come to the point, where the is no return for me, emotionally. So, before there happens anything else, I'll post this essay for discussion and comments, and maybe a little help.
Well, the current problem really began a month ago.
After a long time of depression because I couldn't get girls to love me. Really, I didn't have any real problems about having them close to me, one night at least, but they never really cared about me the love way. It has been nothing but hormones so far. Being in love twice myself (I think I can tell the difference between hormones and love, according to the things I've heard people say. And after considering a lot by myself what my feelings for the opposite sex over time has been, I feel very confident I've been in love two times).
This year, though... I happily discovered this girl. She appearantly wrote to me over a homepage for youth seeking people to date - posting slightly neutral, I thought this girl was the slightly intellectual girl who was sweet, not really hot. She had no profile picture, but I jumped in and typed back to her. Her name later appeared to be Katrine. I developed a minor relationship with her, becoming a bit close to her - and even though I discovered that she lived in Jutland, Denmark (Me, living in Zeeland, Denmark, had to ride five hours by train to meet her) - I liked the way she was, was intrigued by her silent, neutral writing, and adored the way she posted small giggly things sometimes about my hair. Chicks dig my hair, btw. I've never regretted to grow it as long as it is - they like the way it curls, adore the softness, etc. They like to run their fingers through it, also.
But back to the story. She appeared to be increasingly interested in me. She appearently began posting small poetic sentences, not by purpose though, she send pictures of herself, not showing too much, but I saw her smile. You know, the usual thingy things with her.
Her silence, though, continued. Sometimes it climaxed by her almost not talking. Speaking to her in the mobile phone was a strange thing - her, being shy, almost never said anything. The silence hasn't really gone off yet. The bonding between us continued, and we managed to create a relationship. With time, she began trusting my words of sweetness, and trusted her reasons for the lack of words to me.
She was a cutter.
Although beautiful, her voice really rang sorrowfully that night. She was unpopular at school - a follower of the popular people, she thought she was never noticed, nor cared for. Appearantly, her parents and her brother thought very little of her. I think her shyness originated in this. She never, ever, trusted anyone; her father had robbed her of the capability. Having been told directly by her mother, her father didn't like her, at all. Both the mother and the father continuedly entered her room and yelled at her, her father drunk, beating her too. And her mother... Well... She is still lacking a thing to say to me, she told me so. I think it's about her mother. Not being seen worth as anything, she have had problems with shyness in school, leading to her social transparency. She sent a picture of her pretty face covered in tears after the revelation.
Me, well... I actually accepted it. Having gained enourmous sympathy for the poor human being, I began a systematic discussion with her, where I told her why she damaged herself, and she agreed with me. I told her she did that to herself because she felt she had to punish herself of some sort... Not feeling sufficient for the world, she decides to punish herself with force. She knew all along what was the reason for the hurting, and was happy to see that I understood her problems. After a lot of talk, I managed to make an agreement with her; she would not cut in herself, or at least, if she did, I had to do it too. She hasn't done it since (Two weeks ago, and I'm happy for it).
The last two weeks has been changing between sadness and extreme happiness. She later told me she loved me, and I answered sweetly back to her, and she was very happy. But I knew it was too soon. It was still nothing but hormones and feeling comforted by a theraupist figure (Who was me). Being frustrated, I attempted to consulate my father. He was very surprised of my actions and immediately said to me that she was absolutely insane and that I should keep away from that psycho. I broke down that night, like now, but back then I wasn't crying for some reason.
Being out of myself from frustration, I went back to the dating website. Recieving a message from a random girl, I decided to answer her. Her name was Simone. Speaking shortly with her, I found out she was completely different. Of course she was, though, but that's not my point.
Simone, being a year younger than me, was constantly being happy and joked by saying things making absolutely no sense. It was really, really weird humour. Luckily, it was my humour too. I laughed at the nonsense she wrote, discovering a happy part of myself that have been hidden for, well, probably twelve months at least. She made me feel free in some way, allowing me to speak in my very own words. We bonded. Sent pics to each other.
Learning to know Simone and her ways has made me feel somehow positive about something. Always smiling, having a beautiful body and a pretty face, and pink hair actually, her big cat-like eyes filled with mischief made me feel like laughing when not (At least the eyes look like that on her pics - I like eyes). I was not caring about anything, like her.
Simone asked me out in real life, of course. Wanting to see her and to have a great night with laughter and fun, I have prepared everything. We are going to see I Am Legend together tomorrow (She chose the movie, I don't think I'll like it myself).
Now, well, I finished crying. I started doing it about the "Me, well..." section, and stopped doing it when reaching "Being out of frustration," area. I was doing other things than this on the same time, and it took quite a while to type this, if anyone wonders how in the world anyone could cry so fast.
Still speaking to Katrine, though meeting Simone tomorrow, I feel nothing right now. Obviously, I've let down a person with that kind of personal problems.
And with that, I recently discovered I had a severe lack of empathy...
Well, the current problem really began a month ago.
After a long time of depression because I couldn't get girls to love me. Really, I didn't have any real problems about having them close to me, one night at least, but they never really cared about me the love way. It has been nothing but hormones so far. Being in love twice myself (I think I can tell the difference between hormones and love, according to the things I've heard people say. And after considering a lot by myself what my feelings for the opposite sex over time has been, I feel very confident I've been in love two times).
This year, though... I happily discovered this girl. She appearantly wrote to me over a homepage for youth seeking people to date - posting slightly neutral, I thought this girl was the slightly intellectual girl who was sweet, not really hot. She had no profile picture, but I jumped in and typed back to her. Her name later appeared to be Katrine. I developed a minor relationship with her, becoming a bit close to her - and even though I discovered that she lived in Jutland, Denmark (Me, living in Zeeland, Denmark, had to ride five hours by train to meet her) - I liked the way she was, was intrigued by her silent, neutral writing, and adored the way she posted small giggly things sometimes about my hair. Chicks dig my hair, btw. I've never regretted to grow it as long as it is - they like the way it curls, adore the softness, etc. They like to run their fingers through it, also.
But back to the story. She appeared to be increasingly interested in me. She appearently began posting small poetic sentences, not by purpose though, she send pictures of herself, not showing too much, but I saw her smile. You know, the usual thingy things with her.
Her silence, though, continued. Sometimes it climaxed by her almost not talking. Speaking to her in the mobile phone was a strange thing - her, being shy, almost never said anything. The silence hasn't really gone off yet. The bonding between us continued, and we managed to create a relationship. With time, she began trusting my words of sweetness, and trusted her reasons for the lack of words to me.
She was a cutter.
Although beautiful, her voice really rang sorrowfully that night. She was unpopular at school - a follower of the popular people, she thought she was never noticed, nor cared for. Appearantly, her parents and her brother thought very little of her. I think her shyness originated in this. She never, ever, trusted anyone; her father had robbed her of the capability. Having been told directly by her mother, her father didn't like her, at all. Both the mother and the father continuedly entered her room and yelled at her, her father drunk, beating her too. And her mother... Well... She is still lacking a thing to say to me, she told me so. I think it's about her mother. Not being seen worth as anything, she have had problems with shyness in school, leading to her social transparency. She sent a picture of her pretty face covered in tears after the revelation.
Me, well... I actually accepted it. Having gained enourmous sympathy for the poor human being, I began a systematic discussion with her, where I told her why she damaged herself, and she agreed with me. I told her she did that to herself because she felt she had to punish herself of some sort... Not feeling sufficient for the world, she decides to punish herself with force. She knew all along what was the reason for the hurting, and was happy to see that I understood her problems. After a lot of talk, I managed to make an agreement with her; she would not cut in herself, or at least, if she did, I had to do it too. She hasn't done it since (Two weeks ago, and I'm happy for it).
The last two weeks has been changing between sadness and extreme happiness. She later told me she loved me, and I answered sweetly back to her, and she was very happy. But I knew it was too soon. It was still nothing but hormones and feeling comforted by a theraupist figure (Who was me). Being frustrated, I attempted to consulate my father. He was very surprised of my actions and immediately said to me that she was absolutely insane and that I should keep away from that psycho. I broke down that night, like now, but back then I wasn't crying for some reason.
Being out of myself from frustration, I went back to the dating website. Recieving a message from a random girl, I decided to answer her. Her name was Simone. Speaking shortly with her, I found out she was completely different. Of course she was, though, but that's not my point.
Simone, being a year younger than me, was constantly being happy and joked by saying things making absolutely no sense. It was really, really weird humour. Luckily, it was my humour too. I laughed at the nonsense she wrote, discovering a happy part of myself that have been hidden for, well, probably twelve months at least. She made me feel free in some way, allowing me to speak in my very own words. We bonded. Sent pics to each other.
Learning to know Simone and her ways has made me feel somehow positive about something. Always smiling, having a beautiful body and a pretty face, and pink hair actually, her big cat-like eyes filled with mischief made me feel like laughing when not (At least the eyes look like that on her pics - I like eyes). I was not caring about anything, like her.
Simone asked me out in real life, of course. Wanting to see her and to have a great night with laughter and fun, I have prepared everything. We are going to see I Am Legend together tomorrow (She chose the movie, I don't think I'll like it myself).
Now, well, I finished crying. I started doing it about the "Me, well..." section, and stopped doing it when reaching "Being out of frustration," area. I was doing other things than this on the same time, and it took quite a while to type this, if anyone wonders how in the world anyone could cry so fast.
Still speaking to Katrine, though meeting Simone tomorrow, I feel nothing right now. Obviously, I've let down a person with that kind of personal problems.
And with that, I recently discovered I had a severe lack of empathy...
)
). Im learning that only now at 21 with as many partners!
