[RD] Why Men Need to be Involved in the #MeToo Movement

[TheMeInTeam]

If you think it's cheesing, then you probably aren't thinking about the same thing as emotional cheating. Partnerships are significantly more than sexual activity. A partner can most certainly cheat on their relationship without using thier crotch. I mean, unless the relationship was only crotch-deep, I suppose.

The reasons to fold significant interpersonal relationships into the context of a marriage by involving one's partner instead of keeping them separate are more numerous than only being worried about keeping your pants on, I guess, is another way of putting it.

I'm not claiming that the only way to cheat is necessarily sexual (acceptable boundaries should be defined by the couple itself, given different preferences). I am rejecting the notion that "emotional cheating" is "hard to define, but we recognize it when we see it". That is not an acceptable standard. It opens the door to define something as cheating after the fact, even if you had talked about boundaries and stayed within those boundaries.

Maybe the relationship is only crotch deep, but if it isn't which actions are not okay should be clear, not "I think you cheated despite double standard with my own actions, and think you feel differently from what you say". What's okay in a relationship should be defined in advance as it becomes more serious.

From what I see, typical relationships that last w/o much duress don't sweat most things and the list of "banned activity" is relatively small, easy to remember, and pretty obvious when violated.

 

[Farm Boy]

and pretty obvious when violated.

Yeap, it's all made up on the relationship level, so you can't make a blanket definition - but you know it when you see it.

 

[TheMeInTeam]

Yeap, it's all made up on the relationship level, so you can't make a blanket definition - but you know it when you see it.

No, I don't. You don't either.

The definition is implicit, and that works if and only if both people interpret it the same way (or you know, the couple actually talks and sets boundaries, at which point it's no longer just implied).

Emotional cheating *necessarily* requires some action being taken by the cheater. That's non-negotiable. Which actions aren't allowed is variable by couple, but you *need* an action of some kind. There's no coherent framework for "emotional cheating absent any action taken". That strips the concept of its meaning outright.

Actions can be defined.

 

[Farm Boy]

Why do you keep removing actions from implicit in the understanding? Forming a relationship takes action. Maintaining one takes a series of actions. That the action, or series of actions, that tip the scales into inappropriate or a type of betrayal varies relationship to relationship means you have to know it when you see it, not predefine it from where we sit.

 

[TheMeInTeam]

Why do you keep removing actions from implicit in the understanding? Forming a relationship takes action. Maintaining one takes a series of actions. That the action, or series of actions, that tip the scales into inappropriate or a type of betrayal varies relationship to relationship means you have to know it when you see it, not predefine it from where we sit.

We don't predefine it here on the forum, a given couple predefines it for themselves, implicitly or explicitly. Explicitly is more functional, because you have known boundaries rather than someone deciding you cheated after the fact.

 

[Farm Boy]

Well, if it's practical to predefine, then it is good to predefine, I agree. There's always lines to ride though, and the best relationships I've observed take care to error away from riding them. Especially when things seem questionable or unclear.

I agree with you more than I think we're clearing. For example, I don't consider it appropriate to have social outings with members of the desired gender, particularly with intoxicants, without a group present. Preferably, I bring my spouse. If not, she's invited even if I know she won't come. Every time. Keeps the outing in the context of the relationship. More friends is always good, and my wife having more friends that are my friends is good too. Through doing this my relationship gains, and I literally lose nothing except exposure to situations where if I am imperfect, I may #&*$ up.

 

[warpus]

I am rejecting the notion that "emotional cheating" is "hard to define, but we recognize it when we see it". That is not an acceptable standard.

It isn't, every couple is going to have their own standards as to what is and what isn't (emotional or physical) cheating.