18 Civs; the Aztec Version

[Pacifist46]

1848AD​

The city of Rome falls
VERA: Qin’s troops were surrounding Rome already, but we managed to beat them to the punch.
MONTEZUMA: Ha! Qin. He must be gutted.
VERA: He was so angry, he went and captured Antium instead.
MONTEZUMA: Looks like Rome’s days are numbered.

 

[Pacifist46]

1852AD​

The French request an audience
LOUIS: Right, this is how it is Montezuma. You are going to trade World Maps with me. You are not going to deny for the sake of being obtuse and uncooperative and take the mick out of me. Just in case you were wondering what to do.
MONTEZUMA: Popol, show him the door.
LOUIS: I don’t like doors, I like maps.
MONTEZUMA: Exactly. You don’t get what you want from Aztecs, never. It just doesn’t happen.
LOUIS: Maybe Aztecs won’t get what they expect either. But it’s what’s coming to them.

 

[Pacifist46]

1854AD​

Beggars can’t be choosers
MONTEZUMA: So get out, you English tart.
ELIZABETH: I merely wanted Artillery – albeit for free, but surely Aztecs is so great and advanced that they can spare some aid for the Third World.
MONTEZUMA: Come on. We just researched Artillery 2 turns ago. Besides, this is the world’s most uncharitable nation.
ELIZABETH: You have charities here, don’t you?
MONTEZUMA: Yep, but they were set up by ME, run by ME, and where does the money go?
ELIZABETH: Oh, so it’s a kind of subliminal tax.
MONTEZUMA: Great, huh?

 

[Pacifist46]

1856AD​

Aztecs are declared on
QIN: HA! SO! It is time for the mighty Chinese Empire to show its mettle!
MONTEZUMA: What’s that Qin, you have Metal Casting? That makes you more advanced than I thought! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
QIN: For someone is about to die, you don’t seem very scared.
MONTEZUMA: Maybe that’s because I’m not actually about to die. I’m going to keep on hammering Caesar, even if he is your vassal now.

(Popol enters)

POPOL: Morning Qin, there’s someone wants to speak to you outside.
QIN: What?
POPOL: Apparently, the Mongols are not happy that you forced them to declare war on us. They renounce your lordship.
MONTEZUMA: Ha! So, the Mongols are more scared of us than of you, eh?
QIN: I couldn’t give a damn about Mongolia, it barely merits the title “civilisation”.
MONTEZUMA: At least it does, unlike some civilisations I could mention.
QIN: That at least I agree with.

 

[Pacifist46]

1858AD​

Montezuma pops over to Persia
CYRUS: Ah, Montezuma.
MONTEZUMA: Cyrus mate. You can war a bit, can’t you? Fancy ganging up on the Chinese?
CYRUS: Erm . . . I’m afraid to say, we have enough on our hands right now.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, so you’re gearing up for war then?
CYRUS: You could say that.
MONTEZUMA: Excellent. I’ll see you when you’re ready.
CYRUS: Oh, you will, don’t worry.
MONTEZUMA: OK, enough with these veiled threats. Can I check our diplomatic status with Persia? Is it still Friendly?
CYRUS: Nope, ever since you vassalised Hatshepsut we have dropped to Pleased.
MONTEZUMA: Oh . . . . . . . That’s a shame.
CYRUS: Oh, it is. A great shame.
MONTEZUMA: And I thought I was sarcastic.

(Back in Tenochtitlan, Montezuma lays out his suspicions)

MONTEZUMA: The Persians are gearing up for war, and I have a nagging feeling it’s us they’re going to attack.
VERA: Why would it be, darling? We’re stronger than the Persians, they’ll probably just take Arabia instead.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah, but they’d be on home turf. It takes 7 turns to transport our guys over there. With enough force, they could steam roller us before we knew it.
VERA: And I keep saying, the Persians haven’t got that kind of force.
MONTEZUMA: I guess.
VERA: Anyway, I thought you’d be happy, we captured Cumae!
MONTEZUMA: Re – sult. It’ll teach those Romans a lesson anyway – one they’d do well to heed. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1864AD​

Qin is finally ready to talk peace
MONTEZUMA: So, you have abandoned your lame attempts at taking Rome in favour of the more prudent and effective route of peace. I’m glad you saw sense in the end.
QIN: Do not think that this was ever meant to be anything other than a warning shot, Montezuma. Here, take 145 Gold. And use it wisely.
MONTEZUMA: When have I been anything other than wise, Qin? You can’t talk about wisdom really, let’s be honest.
QIN: I can too. And you are rarely honest. (Qin exits)

MONTEZUMA: Well, that was entertaining. And before we proceed, Vera and I have an announcement to make.
VERA: We’re getting married! (giggles)And I’ll be taking the Zuma family name, to signify my new role as Empress!
AXA: Really? How wonderful! I shall make it the most extravangant and exciting wedding since . . . well, your last marriage sire.
POPOL: That reminds me, how is Montezumilla taking this?
MONTEZUMA: Not well, but I had her exiled to Cuzco, so I can’t hear her whining. I can still hear her lawyer’s whining though. I might have to get him taken care of.
POPOL: Taken care of?
MONTEZUMA: You know, erased . . . deleted . . . rubbed out . . . removed. That sort of thing. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Montezuma exits, followed by an excitable Axa)

POPOL: So, congratulations I suppose.
VERA: (guardedly) Thank you, Popol.
POPOL: So, what exactly do you see in our lordship? You didn’t take to him very well at first.
VERA: Oh, I see a lot of potential in him.
POPOL: I’m sure you do, I’m sure you do.

 

[Pacifist46]

1866AD​

Popol keeps on top of foreign affairs
POPOL: Firstly sire, it appears that Cyrus has a new vassal; the English.
MONTEZUMA: Why does no-one vassalise to me unless I force them to? But Cyrus and Qin, oh yes, everyone loves them. It’s so depressing.
POPOL: If you’re depressed, you won’t like this then.

(Hatshepsut enters)

VERZUMA: Bow, mortal! Bow before the Empress!
HATSHEPSUT: Very well. (bows)
MONTEZUMA: What do you want, vassal?
HATSHEPSUT: Just Open Borders. Surely you can give me that now?
MONTEZUMA: As you wish, I suppose. Just don’t abuse it.
HATSHEPSUT: Why would I? (exits)

MONTEZUMA: Anyway, lastly, Vera and I will be taking our honeymoon in Paris next turn, so Popol, you’re left in charge. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
AXA: Paris! Ooh, romantic!
POPOL:”Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do”, he says. That’s going to be hard. For one, I can’t drink anything but blood.

 

[Pacifist46]

1868AD​

The honeymoon doesn’t go to plan

(It is 5 am in Paris, and an exhausted Montezuma and Verzuma are asleep, until Cyrus and 20 Persian Guards break the door down!)

CYRUS: This is Persian Hotels giving you your unrequested 5am wake up call. News today; Montezuma’s honeymoon is cut short!
MONTEZUMA: W – what? I’m here for another week.
CYRUS: Ha! He still doesn’t get it. (laughs, on his own) Oi, guards, laugh, now! (Cyrus laughs again, with the forced laughs of his guards accompanying. He leans closer to Montezuma)
CYRUS: (hisses) I could have you killed right now, Montezuma. Instead I shall hold you and the Empress prisoner. This kind of mercy is what separates us, Montezuma. Me and my men will enjoy the challenge of grinding your civilisation into the dust.
MONTEZUMA: It’s certainly a challenge with you in charge. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
CYRUS: That’s more of the spirit, Montezuma. More of the spirit that you will need in abundance to stand a chance of resisting me.
MONTEZUMA: Hey Cyrus, I’ve got an old saying which I think is incredibly appropriate here.
CYRUS: What?
MONTEZUMA: GET BENT! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (laughs maniacally)
CYRUS: (sighs) You have to admit, nothing intimidates this guy.

(Back in Tenochtitlan, Popol and Axa frantically make their war plans)

POPOL: The Persian declaration puts the whole province of Exmalia under threat, and a large Persian army was indeed sighted just one league SE of Kumbi Saleh. We have nowhere near enough troops to hold the city. But, we have an offensive stack in Timbuktu.
AXA: So, what do you propose? I’m not going to pretend I’m of any use here.
POPOL: I propose we surrender Kumbi Saleh.
AXA: (chokes) Are you mad? You want to see Montezuma’s face when he gets back and finds out we SURRENDERED Kumbi Saleh?
POPOL: Wait. I can explain.
AXA: You’re going to bloody have to.
POPOL: Hopefully, Cyrus will move his stack into the city when he takes it. Then, our aggressive stack does what it does best; attacks the city. It makes the best use of our troops, we’ll probably lose a few guys but we should kill more.
AXA: I still think that it is bloody stupid.
POPOL: Well, I already did it. So there’s no going back. Kumbi Saleh is lost. But, on the plus side, we have a strong modern army in Madrid. Since we’re at war with Louis, I think we should attack France, relieve the cultural pressure on Rome and Madrid.
AXA: And Paris would make a nice . . . oh my god, I forgot! The Emperor! He’s in Paris! We got way too used to life without him!
POPOL: Bugger, so he is. Right, that settles it then. Cyrus will have got him by now though. I won’t hold out hope.
AXA: What about the reinforcements? Should they go to Exmalia or Europaxa?
POPOL: Exmalia. Unless you want to surrender the whole bloody province to Cyrus. It’s where he’ll concentrate his attack. So let the Persian hordes come forth!

 

[Pacifist46]

1870AD​

The war begins
POPOL: So, it appears Cyrus is craftier than we gave him credit for.
AXA: Why?
POPOL: He has not moved his entire stack into Kumbi Saleh. Instead he has merely moved a small stack in.
AXA: So what did we reply?
POPOL: Oh, we took the city again, and then retreated outside, again. It was the Persians who suffered the most.
AXA: In other words, the residents of Kumbi Saleh are going to change allegiance more often than a Spanish politician.
POPOL: Succinct, and true.

 

[Pacifist46]

1872AD​

Popol must deal with the snide comments of a certain Japanese leader
TOKUGAWA: Hey, where’s Montezuma? Did he realise too late that drinking blood isn’t healthy?
POPOL: He has been . . . detained, by Persia.
TOKUGAWA: (laughs) A priceless farce, what indeed would I do for humour without the running joke that is the Aztec Empire!
POPOL: I haven’t got time for you, Tokugawa. Just leave.
TOKUGAWA: I just wanted to know if you would adopt Mercantilism, but I guess that can wait. Or can it? (Tokugawa exits)

POPOL: When the Japanese can poke fun at you, you know the s**t’s hit the fan.
AXA: I see we have Kumbi Saleh again, after losing it, again.
POPOL: And our aggressive stack is almost depleted too.

(Genghis and Chinghiz Khan enter)

POPOL: Gaah!
KHAN: (grunt)
CHINGHIZ: My master wishes me to express his amusement following the capture of Montezuma. His view is, bloody typical of the Az-Wreck Empire.
POPOL: But he left me in charge. And wouldn’t you say I’m the more competent leader?
CHINGHIZ: It’s a good point, I agree. Anyway, Mongolia did not travel all this way to laugh at you, in fact we have come to make peace.
POPOL: I forgot we were at war.
CHINGHIZ: The offer I have been authorised to, well, offer, is our World Map. We are unfortunately out of gold at the present time.
POPOL: I suppose I accept. After all, I am at war with 4 other nations here.
CHINGHIZ: My master anticipated your response. Here he replies, good choice.
KHAN: (screech)
CHINGHIZ: My master now has an, erm . . . pressing urge to use the bathroom, and so we will depart.
POPOL: Fare well, I mean badly.
CHINGHIZ: Montezuma is definitely the better insulter. (exits)

POPOL: Right. Let’s move on.

 

[Pacifist46]

1874AD​

It looks like Cyrus finally has his city.
POPOL: Cyrus’s troops retook for a third time Kumbi Saleh today, and then decimated what was left of our attacking force with Airships.
AXA: Montezuma completely ignored those. He said they were useless.
POPOL: Nevertheless, I think our tactics paid off. But it couldn’t work well enough.

 

[Pacifist46]

1876AD​

Some good news, finally
AXA: We have Orleans!
POPOL: Yes! We can soon get to Paris and free the Emperor. And Empress, of course.
AXA: Don’t rush, will you. I like being in charge.
POPOL: Bombarding Paris will take a few turns, so don’t worry! That is, assuming we even take it. We really should have brought more Artillery instead of so many Marines.

 

[Pacifist46]

1882AD​

More Aztec tactics are employed
POPOL: We have destroyed one Persian stack, due to constant hit-and-run attacks from our Cavalry squadrons in the area.
AXA: Ha! That’s playing the Persians at their own game.
POPOL: Oh, and I founded a cool little city up in Palinaska. Even named it. It’s called Ixtapaluca.
AXA: Carrying on the tradition of founding a worthless city every round, I see.

 

[Pacifist46]

1884AD​

(It is 3 pm and the attack on Paris is reaching the climax)

POPOL: OK lads! All out assault. We end this here.

(Marines swarm forward towards the few Infantry that remain, and overwhelm them quickly. The men shout in victory, and run off to loot the city. Popol and Axa follow, once the coast is clear, and stand on the walls, looking over the vast city.)

AXA: OK, so how do we find the Emperor?
POPOL: I don’t know if he’s even still alive. Let’s try the jail first.

(The two advisors run towards the jail, passing boarded up houses and potholed streets. The only people they encounter are drunks, beggars, and others with nowhere else to go. At last, the imposing structure of the jail returns into view. They enter through the deserted gate, and step into a long corridor, dimly lit and which extends past the extent of their vision.)

POPOL: OK, let’s search.
AXA: I think I see something moving down there. (points left)
POPOL: Right. It’s as good a try as any, I suppose.

(They hurry down, and hear cries from yet further down)

POPOL: (yells) We’re coming!
AXA: Yeah. Real good one. Just alert everyone in the place.

(At last, they reach the cell that adjoins onto the end of the corridor. Inside, Montezuma sees them, and runs to the bars)

MONTEZUMA: POPOL! Get me out!
POPOL: How?
MONTEZUMA: Didn’t you think of that?
AXA: Come to think of it, why did we even come here, to the most desolate and undesirable end of Paris, and into a dark prison, on our own?
POPOL: Ah . . . I really don’t know.

(A shadow looms behind them, visible in the torchlight)

VOICE: Let me tell you why . . .

(They turn round, and see Louis standing there, with about 30 men at his back)

LOUIS: It was purely for the purposes of this story, fools. Because this is where you meet your end, as the French usurp the leaderless Aztec Empire, and change the game to The Story of 18 Civs; the French Version! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: That is just ridiculous. This isn’t Rhye’s and Fall, you know.
LOUIS: Does it matter?
AXA: Well, yes, actually. You’ll have to wait for your turn to make a story.
LOUIS: Oh. Sorry guys. Lads, it looks like I was mistaken. We’ll have to run for Africa instead.

(Louis’s men turn around and head off, and Louis follows)

POPOL: Man, that was close.
MONTEZUMA: Right, imminent threat averted, so now can you GET ME AND MY WIFE OUT OF THIS STINKING HOLE!
AXA: We still haven’t got a plan!
MONTEZUMA: Well that’s just bloody great.

(Montezuma leans against the barred door, and then almost falls over as the door swings open)

POPOL: Looks like someone forgot to lock the door.
MONTEZUMA: I’M FREE! AT LAST!
VERZUMA: I can’t believe you didn’t try the door! We’ve been in here for 9 weeks, and you didn’t try the door!
MONTEZUMA: Eh eh eh, neither did you.
POPOL: It would have taken more than your combined brainpower to work THAT one out.
MONTEZUMA: So let’s get back to the Empire! I can’t wait to see how you two are sticking it to Cyrus’s sorry hide. Of course, on his visits he said he was winning, but he was obviously lying, wasn’t he?

 

[Pacifist46]

1886AD​

Cyrus captures another city
VERZUMA: The city of Djenne has fallen into enemy hands.
MONTEZUMA: Looks like the reinforcements will be our last chance then. But they don’t arrive for three turns.
VERZUMA: Once they land, we should easily overwhelm the Persians, and retake the lands we lost.

(Saladin enters)

SALADIN: Hey, Montezuma, when did you get back?
MONTEZUMA: I haven’t got them back yet, but no worries, I will.
SALADIN: Never mind. Now you can help me against the Russians!
MONTEZUMA: It would be possible, yes. But unfortunately you’ll have to hold out until the Persians have been eliminated.
SALADIN: Which will be never, because you SUCK! You’re losing all your cities.
MONTEZUMA: I will have you know that unlike in Arabia, two cities is not all my cities. And anyway, we took Paris so there.
SALADIN: I heard about that. A great shame. Now the most romantic city in the world will be turned into an arms factory. (exits)
MONTEZUMA: Which reminds me, I should have cut off his arms.

 

[Pacifist46]

1890AD​

Mecca is captured by the Russians
MONTEZUMA: Stupid impatient Saladin, can’t even be bothered to get a little patience and wait for us to kill Cyrus.
POPOL: Yeah, because it was definitely his choice to lose Mecca.
MONTEZUMA: Well Cathers is too weak to take anything by force. It must have been that.

 

[Pacifist46]

1892AD​

Timbuktu is captured
MONTEZUMA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
VERZUMA: Don’t worry honey, I’ll have that city back soon. The reinforcements have landed.
AXA: So it’s time to turn the tables on the treacherous trickster from Tarsus?
POPOL:Not that Cyrus comes from Tarsus.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah, something like that . . .
To be continued . . .

 

[Patricman]

Wow. Impressive! Greatest update so far in my opinion! Keep it up!

 

[Harry Potter52]

Whoa! great update, can't wait for the next one
Now I realise what you meant in the spoiler...

 

[Pacifist46]

Wow. Impressive! Greatest update so far in my opinion! Keep it up!

Thanks!