18 Civs; the Aztec Version

[Pacifist46]

1730AD​

Elizabeth draws the short straw
MONTEZUMA: So that’s why one of you turns up here every turn.
ELIZABETH: Actually I have something to offer. And for once, it’s not too lop-sided towards me.
MONTEZUMA: Do tell.
ELIZABETH: Do you want Communsism? And I only want Steel in repayment.
MONTEZUMA: That’s actually a nice proposition. Good to see you for once, Liz.
ELIZABETH: Cheers, Montezuma old bean. (Elizabeth exits)
MONTEZUMA: Hopefully, a bit of State Property will cut down maintenance now I’m expanding across the pond.
POPOL: I suppose it’s worth it, even though this is now more of a dictatorship than bloody Cuba.

 

[Pacifist46]

1735AD​

A civilization is destroyed
YUCA: Greeks dead, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Really? I didn’t know that was coming. Was it the Roman geezer?
YUCA: Julius Caesar.

 

[Pacifist46]

1750AD​

The campaign gets under way
YUCA: Fleet landed in West Africa, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Yes! Only 18 units, but it should be enough for the four cities I want. Prepare reinforcements right away though.

 

[Pacifist46]

1755AD​

And the first capture is the coastal city of Gao.
MONTEZUMA: An excellent base of operations, if I do say so myself. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
AXA: Well, you didn’t say so yourself, Yuca told you.
MONTEZUMA: Get lost, Axa. Any more news?
YUCA: Yes, I was on the Frigate “Northwest” yesterday as it finally killed a barb galley outside Tamuin that’s been pissing us off for centuries, and only survived this long because you couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it.
MONTEZUMA: Sounds like another master stroke from the great artist of civilization himself.
POPOL: Oh, and sire, now that the new electric sockets have been fitted in the palace due to our research developments, I’d like to instruct you about safety.
MONTEZUMA: I know all that, Popol. Wash them thoroughly with water twice a day, stick your finger in to get all the tough bits out. I don’t mind telling you, it’s tough work.
AXA: Very tough on the slave you sent to do it.
MONTEZUMA: They still haven’t reported back yet. It’s odd.

 

[Pacifist46]

1760AD​

Caesar is on the receiving end
MONTEZUMA: I heard Antium was captured by China, Caesar. Losing your touch in this modern era, aren’t you?
CAESAR: Qin is more ancient than me, and anyway, I’m just about to retake it.
MONTEZUMA: Fool! I wasn’t born yesterday, or at least I don’t think I was.
CAESAR: Shut up. I’m only here to demand . . . I mean, politely request Scientific Method.
MONTEZUMA: I know, I already booked your ship home. It leaves now. And it doesn’t take techs. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1765AD​

Yuca’s latest report goes to the king.
YUCA: Some unfortunate news, sire.
MONTEZUMA: What?
YUCA: Some Malinese Frigates destroyed our Frigates, and now they are chasing our galleons back to America.
MONTEZUMA: What a bloody mess, Yuca. Build more frigates to ward them off, or we’ll have to go into naval hibernation.
POPOL: On a less important note, Tokugawa, yes Tokugawa, has become a free state. And he’s got quite a nice little Indo-Australian empire, too.
AXA: That’s actually great news for us.
MONTEZUMA: Why? Why would we care?
AXA: Losing a vassal puts Qin down to second place in Score. And us up to first.
MONTEZUMA: Yes! We are dominant! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: And the two civs behind us, China and Persia, both have vassals augmenting their score, so that just puts us further ahead in real terms.
MONTEZUMA: I knew it could be done lads. All you needed was my steady hand guiding us through.

 

[Pacifist46]

1775AD​

War is only cool when you’re winning
MONTEZUMA: Making it very cool indeed at the moment.
YUCA: The troops will now move on from Djenne to Timbuktu itself, the legendary city of gold.
MONTEZUMA: We’ll get some floodplains in the empire. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1790AD​

Yet again, the Aztec palace serves as the UN
MONTEZUMA: Next!
(Khan enters)
MONTEZUMA: Oh Christ. Next!
CHINGHIZ: The Mongols have not finished here yet, Montezuma.
MONTEZUMA: Unfortunately not, it seems. What does your dumb master want now?
CHINGHIZ: Do not insult the Khan. He does not forget.
MONTEZUMA: But he is dumb, he can’t speak.
CHINGHIZ: A fair point, and well made. I apologise.
KHAN: (grunt)
CHINGHIZ: My master addresses me, and says, get on with it, you bucket of fly spit. And so I table our request. Declare war on Egypt, and ally with the great Mongol-Chinese bloc.
MONTEZUMA: I think that should be Chinese-Mongol bloc at the very least, as you’re the vassal. And oh, I almost forgot, I reject your request, yet again.
CHINGHIZ: Very well. In that case, we move to the second agenda item; tech trades.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah, this is why I haven’t taken the mick out of your backwards tendencies yet. You have Democracy on me.
CHINGHIZ: But we are willing to relinquish it. In turn for Steel.
MONTEZUMA: That’s actually alright. Done!
(Khans exit, Frederick enters)
MONTEZUMA: Why are you here? I’m at war with you, unless you’ve forgotten. As a vassal of Catherine, you have no jurisdiction over anything.
FREDERICK: But I’m a free state now. So I can do whatever. It’s actually much cooler.
MONTEZUMA: Well then, pay up if you want peace.
FREDERICK: I offer you 85 gold.
MONTEZUMA: Oh come on, that’s pathetic.
FREDERICK: Be reasonable, Montezuma. You haven’t attacked me at all during this war.
MONTEZUMA: No, I suppose not. OK then, I’ll leave you alone.
FREDERICK: Good! (Frederick exits)
MONTEZUMA: So, we now have Democracy! Before we switch out of Slavery and into Emancipation, I think, Popol, you should have a last “whip round” our cities! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
AXA: Ha bloody ha. Comedy like that is why our culture is so low.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, give over. And you know what? Adopt Free Religion as well.
YUCA: Is that because we captured Timbuktu, sire?
MONTEZUMA: Did we? Sound. The only city I want now is Kumbi Saleh, and that’ll also erase Russian influence in Africa. Then we can just raze the last two crappy Malinese cities.

 

[Pacifist46]

1802AD​

Kumbi Saleh obliges
MONTEZUMA: Nice work guys! Well, actually I suppose it was mostly down to me, I admit. But hey.
YUCA: Another Russian stack, mysteriously lacking siege, annihilated by Madrid, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Ooh, and I almost fogot to tell you guys, I founded another city, Chalco, in the middle of the rainforest. Because I can.
POPOL: And the reinforcements are off to Africa, I like that.
AXA: In fact, here might be a good time to take a break, before our African dream continues.
To be continued . . .

 

[Nerowannabe]

1755AD​

And the first capture is the coastal city of Gao.
MONTEZUMA: An excellent base of operations, if I do say so myself. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
AXA: Well, you didn’t say so yourself, Yuca told you.
MONTEZUMA: Get lost, Axa. Any more news?
YUCA: Yes, I was on the Frigate “Northwest” yesterday as it finally killed a barb galley outside Tamuin that’s been pissing us off for centuries, and only survived this long because you couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it.
MONTEZUMA: Sounds like another master stroke from the great artist of civilization himself.
POPOL: Oh, and sire, now that the new electric sockets have been fitted in the palace due to our research developments, I’d like to instruct you about safety.
MONTEZUMA: I know all that, Popol. Wash them thoroughly with water twice a day, stick your finger in to get all the tough bits out. I don’t mind telling you, it’s tough work.
AXA: Very tough on the slave you sent to do it.
MONTEZUMA: They still haven’t reported back yet. It’s odd.

lol great posting

 

[DroopyTofu]

This story keeps getting better and better. Everybody (except Mansa and Cathy) seems happy now!! XD

 

[Harry Potter52]

Amazzzzzzzzinggg!!!!!!!!!! I love this tale

 

[Pacifist46]

Thanks guys, I'm glad you still like the story.
Keep posting!

 

[Patricman]

Very nice story, and great comedy!

 

[Pacifist46]

Yet again, I apologise for the delay, the part should come this weekend, maybe Monday. I'll try and do it quicker next time.
Oh, and there is a twist in the story in the next part

 

[Harry Potter52]

I just fell off my seat in anticipation....
Anyway, people could you check out my story?
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=295884

 

[Pacifist46]

Part VI​

1804AD​

Catherine will never learn
YUCA: Catherine attack Rifles Madrid War Elephants sire.
MONTEZUMA: Oh man. It’s pathetic. It really is. I have 14 Rifles there, and she attacks with a few War Elephants? She’s stupider than . . . well, you Yuca.
AXA: However, Madrid is coming under serious cultural pressure.
MONTEZUMA: Well that’s not my fault.
AXA: Well I want to build the Hermitage there, but you keep saying, “Just . . . one . . . more . . . Rifle”. And anyway, it’s about time you listened to me for once.
MONTEZUMA: Fine, go and waste your hammers. But don’t come cryin’ to me when we get invaded. We need more troops always.
(Asoka enters)
ASOKA: Your puny army needs a hell of a lot more troops, Monty my man.
MONTEZUMA: What does India want?
ASOKA: I want you to cancel immediately your Mongol deals! It’s outrageous that those so-called human beings are allowed to live, let alone trade.
MONTEZUMA: Fine. I think it’s about time to annoy the Khan. What’s he gonna do eh?
ASOKA: What? You said OK? What’s the catch?
MONTEZUMA: The longer you stay here, the more time I have to change my mind.
ASOKA: Don’t worry sir, I’m off! (Asoka exits)
POPOL: More news just in from Madrid actually, sire.
MONTEZUMA: What now?
POPOL: Thousands of them signed a petition. They want to be allowed to rejoin the Roman Empire.
MONTEZUMA: WHAT?
POPOL: It’s true sire. Erm . . .sorry if it helps.
MONTEZUMA: Give me that petition.
(Popol hands it over)
MONTEZUMA: Right. (he puts it in his mouth and starts chewing. Half a minute later he swallows, and the petition is gone). So where’s that petition, Popol? I don’t see it. Therefore, we never heard about it. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: Naturally it was lost when the ship carrying it was sunk, sire.
MONTEZUMA: That’s more like it, Popol.
YUCA: Last thing.
MONTEZUMA: It bloody better be.
YUCA: Another Master General has risen from the ranks.
MONTEZUMA: Settle him here. After all, we’re building nothing but troops here.
YUCA: I think should be shipped over to Mali. War there is not going so well any more.
MONTEZUMA: No way can I be bothered to do that. The war on Mali will go fine. And no, you’re not going either, before you say, I need you here.
YUCA: Your lordship may regret that.

 

[Pacifist46]

1806AD​

And you thought Catherine was stupid
YUCA: It appears Mansa Musa tried to attack our Riflemen in Timbuktu with a Horse Archer.
MONTEZUMA: What a loooooooooser. That’s exactly why we caned him in this war.

 

[Pacifist46]

1808AD​

Qin Shi Huang seems to think he can demand stuff
MONTEZUMA: Qin, it’s me. ME. He who nicks stuff out of beggars bowls. I’m not gonna just magically give you Steam Power.
QIN: Fine. I’ll have to take it by force.
MONTEZUMA: You’ll have to get some force first.
QIN: True. (Qin exits)
YUCA: Watch the Chinese, sire. They more powerful than us, but far backwards as well.
POPOL: Yuca, we just finished Assembly Line. We have Infantry. We’re starting Industrialism and will soon have Tanks and Marines. Qin is no threat.
MONTEZUMA: Hey, Popol, I think that’s the most intelligent thing I’ve ever heard you say.

 

[Pacifist46]

1810AD​

Montezuma meets another leader
MONTEZUMA: Hey, I haven’t seen you since you became independent.
TOKUGAWA: What, I didn’t come and rub my triumph in your face?
MONTEZUMA: Nope, I don’t think so.
TOKUGAWA: Oh. In that case, HA! I told you Japan would come good. Independence is a major step towards World Domination!
MONTEZUMA: Not really. Actually having a half-decent army is a better plan. Anyway, you didn’t just come here to annoy me. You surely wanted to bag something too.
TOKUGAWA: Ah, yes. Well, as you probably know, we are starting off our conquests by crushing the mighty Kingdom of the Nile, ruled by that naïve idiot Hatshepsut. I wondered if you would like to prove your loyalty to Japan by helping out.
MONTEZUMA: Maybe in a few years, yeah, but not yet. What happens if I refuse, I mean, WHEN I refuse?
TOKUGAWA: If you refuse, Japan will not look kindly upon you when it decides your fate, after having risen to become the top world power.
MONTEZUMA: I thought you might say something like that. I don’t look to the long-term, Tok. Especially not THAT long-term.
TOKUGAWA: So, another civilization scorns Japan. But beware, I really am quite a bitter guy. (Tokugawa exits, Elizabeth enters)
MONTEZUMA: Bloody hell, don’t you guys ever leave me alone?
ELIZABETH: I am not a guy, Montezuma, and I certainly wouldn’t come here if I wanted to. I merely wanted to inform you that we now have an Open Borders agreement.
MONTEZUMA: What, you want Open Borders?
ELIZABETH: Yes, and that means that we now have Open Borders. Fair enough?
MONTEZUMA: OK, if you don’t come back again. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
ELIZABETH: Hey, even more benefits!