VII - On Greetings, Great Scientists and Gearing Up For War
Part I
275AD
The caravan was slowly making its way along the highway through the jungle just as the sun began to rise on another long, boiling day, when the plan was put into effect.
It was planned to perfection, as was the Indians way. The Indian farmers who had been transporting their cattle to the Mongol town of Zapotec as part of the sheep-cow trade between the two empires set upon their Mongol escorts without warning, drawing their concealed machetes. Each Indian knew which soldier he was targeting, and who else was targeting the same man. Vastly outnumbered, and taken completely by surprise, the group of thirty or Mongol soldiers who had been detailed to protect the caravan from bandits were slaughtered to a man within a minute. The Indians took no losses.
The next stage of the plan was simple. The Indian warriors, for they were all warriors, hacked at the surrounding jungle, spilt pig blood on the floor and distributed splinters of cart-wood around to give the impression that a struggle had taken place. Their work finished, the area gave every impression that it had been the scene of an ambush, where a valiant band of Mongols had been overpowered in a hard-fought skirmish. The real truth was well concealed.
The Indians, satisfied with their work, turned the caravan around, and drove the cattle back west down the highway at three times the lazy pace they had set on the way out. By nightfall, the caravan had crossed back across the Indian border and was out of sight on a hidden track back to Delhi.
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Back in Karakorum, the news does not go down well
GENGHIS: Again? Kolai, you told me you had sorted the bandit problem out down there!
KOLAI: I have sire. It makes no sense.
GENGHIS: Well step up protection then, because if we dont get our beef again next year I think Griznakh is going to commit suicide.
GRIZNAKH: Hilarious, sire. Just like you to make a joke out of something this serious.
KOLAI: Still, I want to know what is going on, because I would stake my reputation that the bandits are still licking their wounds.
GENGHIS: Fine, well send a spy down there or something. It has to be someone we can trust though. Anyone could be behind this.
IALBUK: :cough:
GENGHIS: But I cant think of anyone I trust that much.
IALBUK: :cough: :cough:
GENGHIS: Stop coughing Ialbuk! If youre dying, go outside to do it.
IALBUK: I volunteer to go and investigate.
GENGHIS: You! Hahaha! What makes you think youd be any good at spying?
IALBUK: Actually I consider myself quite stealthy. And I hope I am to be trusted.
GENGHIS: Hmm. Maybe youre right, although I reckon you have about as much stealth as a burglar wearing a fluorescent jacket. Ill let you go.
IALBUK: Sweet. Thank you sire.
ISHAK: Wait a minute, wont you, like, need, like, a secret identity and that? I know Oggy has several for like, you know, stuff.
GRIZNAKH: True, you will need to adopt a different name.
IALBUK: Not difficult. Ill just reverse my name.
The others try to work out the name. At least five minutes passes in silence
GENGHIS: So it would be
Klaibu?
IALBUK: Ahem, not quite.
GENGHIS: No, I swear it would.
KOLAI: Actually, it would be Kulabio.
IALBUK: What? Where did the O come from?
KOLAI: Your name obviously.
IALBUK: But my name doesnt have an O in.
KOLAI: Why does that matter?
IALBUK: For gods
ah, no, youre just wrong, now shut up.
GRIZNAKH: I believe I have figured it out.
IALBUK: Finally!
GRIZNAKH: Although
no actually I missed out a letter.
IALBUK: Man, you lot are just idiots really, arent you. The name will be Kublai.
GENGHIS: Kublai, eh? Weird name, although I suppose it would pass.
IALBUK: Thank you very much sire. I have told my assistants looking after the science department whilst Im gone. And I got your staff to print me an official imperial identity card, just in case I need to prove who I really am. And I ordered some black robes so I look the part, aaaand
GENGHIS: You know, its almost as if you had already planned this before I consented to let you go.
IALBUK: Well, I, erm
GENGHIS: Maybe I should stop being so predictable. Jukebox!
IALBUK: Im off anyway.
Ialbuk exits the yurt
GENGHIS: Expertly put, my expedient ally. Truly you endeavour to do the empire a exquisite effigy with your eloquent exertions.
GRIZNAKH: What nonsense! Sire, calm down, before you do something stupid.
GENGHIS: Too late for that, Griznakh. I already ruined it! Its
ruined!
Genghis bursts into tears.
ISHAK: Like, what drugs has he been taking?
GRIZNAKH: I know, we need to confiscate them.
ISHAK: Nah mate, I want some like!
GRIZNAKH: Hmm. Kolai, just whack him over the head.
Kolai whacks the sobbing Genghis with his club. Genghis starts.
GENGHIS: Wh-what? Where am I?
GRIZNAKH: Erm
you are in the mighty Nakhian Empire, where I, Lord Griznakh, am Emperor.
GENGHIS: Get lost Griznakh, Im not that badly concussed.
GRIZNAKH: Oh, damn. In that case sire, you are in the council yurt having a meeting.
GENGHIS: So whats happening?
The Russian queen, Catherine, enters the yurt.
KOLAI: Ooh! My lady, have you met me, my name is Kolai, and
Catherine slaps him around the face.
KOLAI: Ouch! Alright, youre not interested; there were easier ways to say that.
CATHERINE: But none so enjoyable. Genghis, you berk, wake up. You look a little groggy.
GENGHIS: Yeah, cant remember why that is.
KOLAI: Which is good. If you ever found out that I whacked you around the head
GENGHIS: You what?
KOLAI: Erm, nothing.
Catherine laughs
GENGHIS: You may laugh, but at least I have a military advisor. Even if his advice is often incomprehensible grunting. And weve wiped out two civilizations so far, before Russia even existed probably.
CATHERINE: Im so impressed. By the way, that was major sarcasm there, you fool.
Right, to business.
GENGHIS: About time.
CATHERINE: I propose a trade, Squirrel Fur for Rice.
GRIZNAKH: Well, we are certainly not giving away lovely rice for nasty inedible fur! Wed be mad to even consider it.
GENGHIS: Done.
GRIZNAKH: (splutters) Sire, you do realise
GENGHIS: Yes. And it isnt important. Accepted, babe.
CATHERINE: Dont call me babe.
GENGHIS: I am sincerely sorry, babe.
Catherine exits
GENGHIS: Alright then. So Kolai, you were SAYING?
The time soon came for the science department to launch a new technology. With Ialbuk down south investigating the attacks, the rest of the science department were very nervous about presenting their work to the Khan
Nice work.
