18 Civs; the Mongol Version

[Pacifist46]

GENGHIS: Well that was easy. Even easier than I anticipated.
GRIZNAKH: Really? You admit you made an error of judgement?
GENGHIS: Nah, just kidding. I knew these Indians wouldn’t take much scaring. Anyway this place is barely more than a military barracks. Not worth defending with anything decent. Just as well really, since the Indians haven’t got anything decent to defend it with. Shouldn’t you be eating something?
GRIZNAKH: Erm … you’re right, I’m late! Thank you sire … wait, how did you know?
GENGHIS: Call it a hunch.

Griznakh scurries off as Kolai approaches the Khan.

KOLAI: Good stuff sire. Barely any men lost, and we can easily bring the units up to full strength from the reinforcements.
GENGHIS: Yeah, I’m great, I know.

A fanfare of trumpets sounds, and Caesar rides towards the Khan with a retinue of bodyguards of course.

CAESAR: Excellent! Excellent! I approve of this.
GENGHIS: You’re on our side in this war?
CAESAR: No, but the idea of two barbarian tribes bashing each other’s heads in with crudely constructed clubs pleases me. It makes my job of walking in and claiming your land a tad easier. Carry on. Although, if you’re tired of this already, you could come with me. I’m off to destroy the Germans, and am willing to let you watch. I might even let you have a little go.
GENGHIS: Hmm. Just one question.
CAESAR: Fire away.
GENGHIS: Every time I see you, you’re wearing that same purple toga. Do you ever change?
CAESAR: Outrageous! A barbarian questioning my hygiene? I’ll have you know that this is my special anti-disease tunic which I only wear whenever I visit barbarian tribes like yours!
GENGHIS: Right, right. So, I’ll join you, if you can prove that you’re winning.
CAESAR: What? I am Caesar, emperor of the mighty imperium Romanus, protector of the people, equalled by none, served by all lesser mortals, and superior to all who ever walked this earth or who ever will. IS THAT NOT PROOF ENOUGH?
GENGHIS: Nope, sorry, I’m gonna need to see some screenshots.
CAESAR: Well, erm … I must have left them in my other toga. And I can’t wear my other toga over here because of the disease.
GENGHIS: Well then, no deal.
CAESAR: Why you … oh, screw it, I don’t need you.

Caesar storms off

GENGHIS: Good.

Ialbuk sidles up to the Khan

IALBUK: The pillage amounts to 60 chests of gold sire. That should be enough to fund full research for another two turns, by which time I should have concluded my current research.
GENGHIS: Yeah, cool, whatever. Now onto the next town! My thirst for Indian blood is not satisfied! I will have vengeance!

Genghis’s voice is so loud that everyone around the town hears it and shudders. Within minutes, the army is formed up and ready to move.

IALBUK: Nice going there sire. You might want to shout a little louder next time though, I think there were a couple of people over in Spain who didn’t hear you.
GENGHIS: Really?
IALBUK: Erm … maybe not.

The advance of the Mongol army continued through the Indian provinces. Before long the Khan stood at the gates of Agra

 

[Pacifist46]

760AD

Genghis was unimpressed by the city of Agra’s fortifications, or apparent lack of them. There were no walls surrounding the city, just a thin line of wooden palisades between the Mongol army and the Indian garrison. The Mongols again greatly outnumbered the squad of spearmen and the squad of archers that comprised the entire defending army for the city.

GENGHIS: Rough ‘em up again first, I say. Let loose the catapults!

The catapults sprang into action, and a storm of boulders and pieces of rubble rained down hard upon the Indians. Genghis was not pleased to see that they held their positions at the palisade this time. They had learned fast enough that their only hope lay in maintaining the defences, and the Indian crews worked furiously to replace smashed stakes and reinforce weak sections. Still, the catapults were taking casualties, and the Indians couldn’t afford to lose many men.

GENGHIS: So, let’s charge!
WILLIAM: Hold on there sire. We be doing mighty fine at the moment. Let’s wait until they’re tired.
GENGHIS: But I want this over with!
WILLIAM: Patience is a virtue.
GENGHIS: Whatever. Fine.

Genghis let the bombardment carry on until late afternoon. The defenders’ casualties increased until their numbers were not sufficient to keep repairing the palisade at a fast enough rate.

GENGHIS: Now seems like a good time for a Keshik charge! Even their spears will not stop us, they cannot form a deep enough line any more. CHARGE!

The Mongol cavalry charged full pelt at a point in the palisades where there was a narrow gap in the stakes, just wide enough for three horses to fit side by side. The section of the defences was defended by a group of ten archers, who immediately formed up and presented a wall of shields to the Mongol charge. However, the long-lanced Keshiks, their spears held horizontally in front, held the charge. The lances of the first three soldiers thrust through the shield wall, causing it to break slightly. Then the full weight of the horses and riders hit the archers. Greatly outnumbered, the archers could not hold firm against the weight of the Mongol hundreds and were thrown back. The Keshiks impaled them on their spears.
The rest of the horses penetrated the palisade and then a general hunt of the defenders ensued, which was handled with no great order. This was mainly because the Khan was having too much fun pursuing the archers and forgot to give any orders. Still, the Indians were no match for the Mongol horsemen, and gave little resistance. A knot of ten spearmen managed to hold a corner for a brief moment, their sharp ashen spears bringing down three of the Mongol horses, but eventually the Mongols overwhelmed them and slew them.

 

[Pacifist46]

GRIZNAKH: As you can see, sire, the plunder amounts to 25 chests of gold.
GENGHIS: Great stuff! Blow it all on a party in celebration of my glorious victory.
GRIZNAKH: Erm … it would be my pleasure, sire, but …
GENGHIS: But what?
IALBUK: But isn’t that a bit extravagant for one party?
GRIZNAKH: Extravagant? You can barely lay a decent feast with that! I was hoping to secure additional funds.
IALBUK: Additional funds? I need to accumulate as much funding as possible to finance my science!
GENGHIS: Look, if you two between you can’t throw a decent party then that’s a pretty poor show.
GRIZNAKH: Face facts, Ialbuk; food goes down a lot better than science at a party.
IALBUK: Depends which party you go to.
GRIZNAKH: Well this one is for the Khan.
IALBUK: In which case your money would be more aptly spend on ale and prostitutes.
GENGHIS: Yeah, listen to Ialbuk, Grizzy, he knows what’s going on.

Kolai appears

KOLAI: Can I just point out that the game mechanics don’t allow you to spend money on that sort of stuff. It’s not a very optimal strategy anyway, I mean, it doesn’t provide any boosts to production, culture or even diplomacy, or anything, for that matter.
IALBUK: Exactly … wait, did you just say that Kolai?
KOLAI: Huh? Where am I?
ISHAK: Whoa! He must have been, like, possessed!
GRIZNAKH: He’s right though, why are we arguing about a party which can never be had?
IALBUK: That’s an easy one. The author of this story is trying to pad this section out with irrelevant dialogues, since not much else happened this turn.
GENGHIS: Well tell that guy to shut up! There we go. Problem solved again.

Eventually the council figured out what was going one, although Genghis’s solution proved not to be feasible, as much happened on the next turn which needed recounting.

 

[Pacifist46]

780AD

Catherine stops by the Mongol headquarters

CATHERINE: Ooh, Genghis. I must say, I much prefer this to your old headquarters. Far more upmarket.
GENGHIS: This is a simple yurt in an army encampment. No it is not my new HQ. Neither is it, as you well know, better than the council yurt back in Karakorum.
CATHERINE: Bah, what is one pathetic barbarian yurt compared to another? They are all the same.
IALBUK: Actually my lady, this yurt is modelled on the Khan-12 model, designed for travelling. The subtleties in its design are fascinating, yet ingenious, for instance, take the shape of the inner section, which folds exactly to fit into the …
CATHERINE: Shut up. You’re boring me.
GENGHIS: Agreed. Now what do you want, because you may have noticed I’m doing something with my empire, I’m in the middle of a crusade. You may be content to sit in your crappy northern huts and sit around all day, but I’m all action, and unlike you, do not have unlimited leisure time to go around pissing people off.
CATHERINE: For someone with limited leisure time, that sure was a lengthy speech. Well I heard you had concluded your research on Metal Casting, and …
GENGHIS: We’ve what? Ialbuk?
IALBUK: Oh yeah, forgot about that. Well you were busy killing Indians, and of course, I didn’t want to bore you, did I sire?
GENGHIS: Fair point. Tell me next time though, yeah?
IALBUK: Whatever, sire.
GENGHIS: So yeah, we have. In your face! Bet you’d like it, wouldn’t you?
CATHERINE: You could consider it my birthday present for the next twenty years. That’s fair, isn’t it?
GENGHIS: Since when do I send birthday presents to people? They might fall under the mistaken impression that I LIKED them.
GRIZNAKH: Not to mention that twenty years, in this game, is not a long time. Twenty years will have elapsed by next turn in fact.
CATHERINE: Fine. For some reason I will stay Pleased with you, Genghis. Probably because you don’t pose any serious threat.

Catherine exits, but another leader enters straight away

LEADER: Mali greets you, Genghis, mighty Khan. Let there be friendship and concord between our two nations.
GENGHIS: Hmm. Do you have anything I might want, now or in the future?
MANSA: Friendship, trade and prosperity!
GENGHIS: I was thinking more along the lines of gold, land and women. And booze of course.
MANSA: Ahem … in that case, no.
GENGHIS: Aha! You are in luck then! We can be friends for now.
MANSA: Really?
GENGHIS: Well, friends might be too strong a word to be honest. Positive acquaintances then. Open Borders might be a good start.
MANSA: That’ll do me.
GENGHIS: Goodbye for now, then.

Mansa exits, and Caesar exits, pushing roughly past the Malinese king

CAESAR: What were you talking with El Loser about?
GENGHIS: About how weak that Roman idiot is ... nothing you don’t already know.
CAESAR: Ha ha. Now, here’s the deal. I give you Monotheism and 110 Gold. In return I want Horseback Riding.
GENGHIS: Nice plan you have there. Only one tiny flaw. The odds of me accepting that trade are longer than, erm …
KOLAI: Some really long thing!
GENGHIS: Yeah! Some really long thing! Now what do you say to that?
CAESAR: I say you are a barbarian loser who should learn his place.
GENGHIS: Cheers. Now go away and learn some manners.
CAESAR: I have plenty of manners. Bad manners, but I’m Roman Emperor. I don’t need good manners. I get what I want regardless. It’s like that quote by Al Capone when you discover .. is it Gunpowder? “You get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word”.
GENGHIS: Yeah, it is Gunpowder. We discovered it last week.
CAESAR: What? I mean … only last week? It’s old hat in Rome.

After the Caesar’s visit, Genghis decided to find something true to boast about. Luckily he didn’t have long to wait.

 

[Pacifist46]

820ad

 

[Pacifist46]

GENGHIS: I like this Lord McCauley guy much better than that Machiavelli bloke who criticised our advancement. And he writes about interesting stuff too!
KOLAI: Our power is gloriously the best in the world.
GENGHIS: Let’s see … so Cyrus and Cathers are not doing too badly for a pair of losers, Sal, well, not too good, and aha! The Indians are sixth! No wonder we are wiping them out so easy!
GRIZNAKH: Well that’s obviously fantastic sire, but …
GENGHIS: Shut up, Griznakh. I’m not sure I’m gonna like what you say. Now let’s get on with using our power.

The advisors look up, to where the siege of Bombay is taking place

GENGHIS: Looks like we’re about ready to make the assault.

The catapults had been pummelling the defences, and they were severely weakened. The city of Bombay had no walls either, as a city right in the heart of the Indian empire, it had felt no need. The garrison was stronger than previously with at least five battalions defending the city, however their numbers still paled into insignificance in the shadow of the Mongol horde.

GENGHIS: Alright then boys. Attack!

The Mongol army, which had been waiting in formed-up lines for the signal, let out a deafening roar and clamoured forward. Three hundred paces away, the Indian lines of spears, axes and archers waited in silence.
The wave of Keshiks hit the axes and archers hard, their spears instantly throwing back some of the Indians and driving back the line. The War Elephants and Swordsmen went in on the Spearmen, and the superior, attacking weapons of the swordsmen outclassed the defensive but cumbersome spears in close combat. The war elephants just ploughed their way through, picking spearmen up and throwing them high in the air, and the fall killed or paralysed the vast majority.

In short, another rout occurred, and it was not long before the Indians were overwhelmed and slaughtered. The Mongols again took light losses.

 

[Pacifist46]

KOLAI: You can’t see it on there, my lord, but plunder amounted to a great 92 chests of gold. An excellent haul.
GENGHIS: Good stuff, good stuff. For an economy which is, to be fair, teching pretty slowly, we sure have vastly better military than the Indians. It’s not just numbers, I mean, our War Elephants and Catapults can’t be countered or equalled by anything the Indians seem to have.
IALBUK: Some would say not even a complete moron could lose these city assaults.
GENGHIS: Good fortune coneals the genius of a general, Ialbuk. Just because these battles are easy, doesn’t mean that I’m a complete idiot.
IALBUK: Indeed not; I reached the latter conclusion through other means.
ISHAK: Sire, if I could, like, interrupt?
GENGHIS: You just did. Go on.
ISHAK: Well, like, I sent one of our ships to have a, like, little scout round to the south, and summat, like, happened.
GENGHIS: Is my ship damaged? Cos you’ll pay.
ISHAK: Nah, it ent that, it’s like, we found Indian territory and that. On the islands.
GENGHIS: Bugger! Well I personally can’t be bothered to trek down there in boats.
I’m just going to capitulate India once the mainland is conquered. May as well.
KOLAI: Cap … caput, what was that word?
GENGHIS: Never mind, Kolai. Right, march on!

The Mongol horde surged forward into the heart of the Indian empire; land that since the dawn of man had never known any other master. If the toughest test was yet to come, it would surely come in this ancient land, inhospitable and hostile to the invading army. But could anything halt the advance?

To be continued …

 

[Pacifist46]

14th March is when I should be updating again. What will India's fate be? Will the Mongols encounter the unexpected? Am I succeeding in using less than subtle cliffhangers to make you keep reading the story? Only time will tell!

 

[king lundmark]

india is getting raped by you.

 

[DroopyTofu]

Nice update. Good luck with murding India.

 

[Pacifist46]

Cheers guys, yeah, India's always weak on this map.

 

[CIV D]

I love this!

 

[Pacifist46]

Thanks Civ D

 

[danjuno]

Nice Work! By the way, has any of the other leaders built the University of Oxford?

 

[Pacifist46]

I am pretty sure none of the other civs has education yet, so I don't think so. Thanks for your comment!

By the way, I am going to have to set the update time back again to ... Wednesday 17th. My laptop got a virus (well, more than one) and it took me a week to get rid of them, and I couldn't do the story during this time. Thought I'd be able to find extra time to do it, but then other stuff came up and ... well, anyway the upshot was that the story got put on hold for ages. This Sunday though I will get most of it done. Sorry.

 

[Pacifist46]

VIII - Assault on India

Part II​

Actually, yes.

Fatigue was starting to take its toll on the Mongol army. What’s more, reinforcements were on their way. Genghis, against his will, decided to take a few turns out for his armies to recover and regroup in Bombay. After that, he swore he would take Delhi immediately. Until thought then, there were matters of state to be dealt with, he supposed …

 

[Pacifist46]

840AD

A few leaders find time to stop by the Mongol encampment

LOUIS: So, Mongols, I bet you are all disgusted at your ugly appearances, and are wondering how you could possibly dress to look like me, no?
GENGHIS: Well, I was wondering how it would be possible to look like you and have the courage to go out in public.
LOUIS: Thought so! Well today is your lucky day, cos France is putting Aesthetics on the market!
GENGHIS: In that case, I’m robbing the market. Hand over Aesthetics, slimeball.
LOUIS: Aah! Ok, as long as you don’t harm my clothes … wait a minute, you can’t rob the market! It’s a phrase, not a real market, you fool.
GENGHIS: Do I look like I care?
LOUIS: No, but that doesn’t matter. You’re gonna have to pay for my beauty secrets.
GENGHIS: Tell you what; I’ll pay not to have to use them.
LOUIS: Erm … well ok then, I’ll factor that into the deal. And that deal is … you give me Metal Casting …
GENGHIS: Ha! Good luck.
LOUIS: … and I’ll give you Aesthetics and 150 Gold.
GENGHIS: 150 Gold? That’s not enough! I want at least 200 before I even consider it rationally.
LOUIS: Well 150 Gold is almost 160, and 160 is practically 170, and in the grand scheme of things 170 is pretty close to 180, and 180 is pretty much 190, and 190 is so near to 200 it makes no difference really. So actually 150 Gold and 200 Gold are equal, to be fair. You should consider it.
GENGHIS: Hmm. I may be no mathematician, but I still smell a rat here.
LOUIS: Oh come on! Trust me, this deal is good for you.
GENGHIS: Well then, on your own principles, if 150 Gold is the same as 200 Gold …
LOUIS: Which it is!
GENGHIS: If you exchange the 150 Gold in your deal for 200 Gold, I’ll start negotiations for real.
LOUIS: What? Don’t be absurd. I can’t possibly pay you 200.
GENGHIS: But isn’t 200 close to 190, and 190 practically equal to …
LOUIS: It doesn’t work both ways round, you imbecile.
GENGHIS: Clearly not. Now go on, I’m tiring of your antics.
LOUIS: Greedy bastard.

Louis exits the temporary yurt, as Mansa Musa enters.

MANSA: If you want proper deals, you’ve stayed in the right place. Boy have I got a terrific deal for you.
GENGHIS: Go on then, try me.
MANSA: The great nation of Mali has developed the practice of Philosophy, which tackles the greatest and deepest questions imaginable to man; Right and Wrong, Do Gods Really Exist? and The Meaning of Life among others.
GENGHIS: Really? Wow.
MANSA: Indeed, this is something worth having, you can see.
GENGHIS: Go on then. Give me the answer to one of them.
MANSA: What?
GENGHIS: One of those three questions you just used as an example. Just one answer, as a sort of taster, and if I’m satisfied, I’ll buy the rest off you.
MANSA: It doesn’t work like that. There are no … definite answers.
GENGHIS: So you were lying? Your philosophy hasn’t figured them out?
MANSA: These are deep questions, Genghis! They cannot be answered concretely.
GENGHIS: Rubbish. Do Gods Really Exist?, well, that sounds like a simple Yes or No to me. And The Meaning Of Life, that’s gonna be a straight answer as well. Looks like your philosophy crap just tries to confuse stuff.
MANSA: Right. Will you give me Construction and 760 Gold for it?
GENGHIS: What? I don’t need philosophy to answer that. No way!
MANSA: Ah well. You will become enlightened eventually. Probably.

Mansa exits

GRIZNAKH: I always thought the meaning of life was honey glazed salmon with a glass of Osakan ale.
GENGHIS: Nah, gold is.
KOLAI: No, blood.
IALBUK: I think the meaning of life is the ability to feel, to think, to experience the world.

There is a short silence

GENGHIS: You really are a nutter, Ialbuk.
IALBUK: Appreciated, sire.
ISHAK: Lads, just a, like, quick note, but apparently there’s been like another census and our population’s, like, up to 10 million or some crap.
GENGHIS: 10 million! Excellent. And soon, after we absorb India, it’ll be even more.

In fact, the population (and area) of the empire increased on the next turn.

 

[Pacifist46]

860AD

IALBUK: Sire! You should really know us better! You didn’t really think you could found a new city without us noticing?
GENGHIS: I was gonna tell you, but you’re always downbeat about it. How did you find out anyway? I was pretty discreet I thought.
IALBUK: When I found my science budget slashed with a notice - Funds reallocated to some, erm, military project in the north, nothing you’d be interested in, honest. So I went and asked the treasury, and they said you were founding a city.
GENGHIS: Damn Treasury officials! I swear I told them not to tell you anything whatever tricks you tried to pull!
IALBUK: That’s what they said. However, I told them you’d changed your mind about that, and then I couldn’t stop them talking!
GENGHIS: Well, what do you think, then?
IALBUK: I think it’s a bad idea, as always. Although I can see the logic in claiming that gold. It might end up not to be so bad after all, I suppose.
GENGHIS: No, it won’t. So leave this stuff to me.

With the troops still recovering and regrouping, no progress in the war could be made. Genghis had to find other amusements, like dog-fighting (he was very passionate about this, and made it into the national sport), hunting, … oh, and leader baiting …

 

[Pacifist46]

880AD

FREDERICK: You do know that Caesar doesn’t like you, don’t you?
GENGHIS: Well duh! Name someone he does like.
FREDERICK: Fair point. So why on earth do you continue to trade with him?
GENGHIS: I can’t divulge empire policy on these matters.
FREDERICK: That’s because you don’t have an empire policy.
GENGHIS: Yeah I do, I just made one up, right now.
FREDERICK: So go on then, what does it state?
GENGHIS: It states that trading with morons is permitted, because we can easily negotiate favourable terms.
FREDERICK: Right, so what terms are there in your Open Borders deal? Considering your empire is much larger than Caesar’s, how does that favour you?
GENGHIS: Erm … yet again I am forced to conceal my reasoning. But trust me, there is a reason. Almost definitely.
FREDERICK: Look, will you just stop trading with him?
GENGHIS: Sorry, but it is also against empire policy to acquiesce to suggestions from morons.
FREDERICK: Well I’m not a moron, so you can do this.
GENGHIS: Wrong? A key statement in the empire’s policy; anyone whose name doesn’t rhyme with “Fenghis” is a moron.
FREDERICK: Well fine. You calling me a moron is pretty rich though.
GENGHIS: I didn’t call you anything. Policies are policies, who am I to go against them? Besides, the policy clearly states that all policies must be obeyed, moron or not.
FREDERICK: In that case, I’m off to create some.

Frederick exits

IALBUK: Where is this mythical policy? I’ve never seen it.
GENGHIS: That’s because it states that morons are not allowed to see it.
IALBUK: What if I changed my name to “Denghis”?
GENGHIS: You can’t. I trademarked all names that rhyme with “Fenghis”. Basically, it all boils down to everyone apart from me being a moron, nothing else of note in there.
IALBUK: Just making sure.

Whilst Genghis had managed to bluff his way out of this one, he realised that it would be useful to have a core of workers who handled the administration of the empire and developed clear, considered, policies for every aspect of the government’s business. This, he thought, would streamline Mongolia and make it far more efficient than if he alone decided on policies …

 

[Pacifist46]

920AD

IALBUK: Khan, as you requested, I have finished researching Civil Service!
GENGHIS: About time! So how can we change our government?
IALBUK: Well I recommend implementing a practice known as Bureaucracy. Basically, we create lots of administrative jobs and these people will make the empire run as smoothly as possible.
GENGHIS: They better. So do they focus on one aspect one day and then the next day move on to something else?
IALBUK: That is found to be inefficient. I propose we create several departments and split up our workers so they each focus on something different. Departments will each focus on a major sector of the empire, like transport, education, defence, dog-fighting etc.
GENGHIS: Good, but I say mix transport and education in together, they don’t each need their own department.
IALBUK: Well, I’ll organise it sire. Don’t worry, it’ll improve things no end.
GENGHIS: So these … civil servants, they’ll be really efficient? I don’t want them wasting the government’s money.
IALBUK: Erm … they will certainly appear to be efficient, sire, I assure you.
GENGHIS: Fair enough.

The institution of bureaucracy did indeed boost productivity and business, particularly so in the capital, although in the remoter provinces the improvement was less marked. However, the Khan quickly forgot about the bureaucracy. The army was on the march once more and it made rapid progress through the Indian heartlands. In due course the Mongol horde encircled the city of Delhi.