Advice Thread IX: The War On Quiz Bowl

[Caesar of Bread]

Alright, so 2 things happened.
1) I’m in a romantic relationship for homecoming, but my date doesn’t want to continue it. How do I tell her that I want to be with her?
2) I have gotten into some drama with my Quiz Bowl team. They didn’t give me respect, so I ended a relationship between a member of my team and his long-distance girlfriend. Now, I am practically hated by my team. How do I gain respect? Or should I go against them?

 

[amadeus]

1. I don’t think that’s something that can be fixed.

2. Interfering with the personal lives of your teammates ain’t gonna get you respect.

 

[Caesar of Bread]

1. I don’t think that’s something that can be fixed.

But I like her! I can’t let a relationship slip through my fingers!

2. Interfering with the personal lives of your teammates ain’t gonna get you respect.

And? How am I going to get respect?

 

[amadeus]

But I like her! I can’t let a relationship slip through my fingers!

And? How am I going to get respect?

1. It’s like a nuclear sub. Both people have to turn their keys.

2. Apologize and try to fix it?

 

[Caesar of Bread]

1. It’s like a nuclear sub. Both people have to turn their keys.

But she’s my only chance!

2. Apologize and try to fix it?

Even the coach is mad at me..

 

[amadeus]

many moons ago
I too was a teen
full of angst and chemicals

as I grew older
and wiser stupider
I realized all things are fleeting

delete system32
forget the girl
ask your coach for advice and listen

 

[Ajidica]

Alright, so 2 things happened.
1) I’m in a romantic relationship for homecoming, but my date doesn’t want to continue it. How do I tell her that I want to be with her?

If your date doesn't want to continue it, then you aren't in a romantic relationship.
Respect her enough to call it quits. If you genuinely still feel for her in a few months, reach out again. Don't confuse high school crushes with actual romance; ALL teenagers are hormone-addled idiots. (This moves nicely into point 2.)
(My parents initially split up when dating, but after a couple months my dad reached out to my mom, let her know how he felt, and they resumed dating, eventually getting married.)

2) I have gotten into some drama with my Quiz Bowl team. They didn’t give me respect, so I ended a relationship between a member of my team and his long-distance girlfriend. Now, I am practically hated by my team. How do I gain respect? Or should I go against them?

Seriously not cool dude; if you don't get why you screwed up badly you should really talk to the school counselor or something.
At absolute minimum you should give them a genuine apology; no "I'm sorry you chose to be offended" malarky.
I don't know what the quiz bowl season looks like, or how much "practically hated by my team" is just teenage drama, but it is worth having a conversation with the faculty coach / advisor about what you should do, up to possibly sitting out some/all of the season.

As far as gaining respect, you gain respect by being a chill dude to be with. I did Mock Trial all through high school, and there was one person on the team who was just sort of crap at his role. However he was well liked because he was personable, had a good attitude, and always tried hard. He was respected far more than some high-strung know-it-all. (The high strung know-it-all was was totally not me......)

 

[madviking]

Alright, so 2 things happened.
1) I’m in a romantic relationship for homecoming, but my date doesn’t want to continue it. How do I tell her that I want to be with her?
2) I have gotten into some drama with my Quiz Bowl team. They didn’t give me respect, so I ended a relationship between a member of my team and his long-distance girlfriend. Now, I am practically hated by my team. How do I gain respect? Or should I go against them?

yeah dawg, I'm gonna be real with you: stop looking out for just yourself.

you asked how to get respect? you get respect by treating others with respect; both your partner and your qb teammates. if your partner doesn't want to continue things, accept that. trying to impose your will isn't gonna win you too many admirers. do what ajidica said: be a chill dude. relationships come and go. being in a relationship where someone doesn't want to be in it is MUCH worse than being single and unhappy. likewise, burning bridges like you did with your qb teammate is a real big mess up. you gotta be the bigger person, own up your faults, and eat crow here. it's gonna suck but people make mistakes and people generally respect people who own them--not doubling down on them.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Alright, so 2 things happened.
1) I’m in a romantic relationship for homecoming, but my date doesn’t want to continue it. How do I tell her that I want to be with her?
2) I have gotten into some drama with my Quiz Bowl team. They didn’t give me respect, so I ended a relationship between a member of my team and his long-distance girlfriend. Now, I am practically hated by my team. How do I gain respect? Or should I go against them?

1. At this point, respect her wishes, and learn to accept that NO means NO. She might change her mind at some later point, but if she doesn't, then she will have decided that you're not the guy she wants to be with. Keep in mind that when someone says no to you about relationships, it's not always about being intimate, where "no" NEVER means "yes" or "maybe".

Dunno how soon your homecoming event is, but if you want to go with someone, you'd best find someone else. I really have no idea how the social aspect of these things work, since we never had them at my junior high and I avoided all high school dances and parties (was never one for dressing up and preferred guys as friends, rather than anything more since breakups are messy).

2. Interfering with another person's committed relationship is something I can't fathom.

Seriously, this was not a good thing to do, particularly out of spite for not being "respected" (you don't say how they disrespected you). If they bullied you, talk to a trusted adult (ie. whichever teacher is supervising this activity). Or a guidance counselor. If not your parents. do you have any other adult relatives you trust, like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent?

The only time when this could be a good thing is if abuse is happening. Helping someone to escape an abusive relationship (physical, verbal, emotional) is not bad. But that's not why you did this.

My advice is to think really hard about this, and use the advice given here by everyone who's said that you need to apologize to everyone affected by what you did. You're not going to get respect any other way.

Here's some more advice about apologies: Never, ever use the word "if" or the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way". Own up to your deeds. There's no "if" when the other person/people were definitely offended or harmed in some way (harm isn't only physical).

 

[Caesar of Bread]

1. At this point, respect her wishes, and learn to accept that NO means NO. She might change her mind at some later point, but if she doesn't, then she will have decided that you're not the guy she wants to be with. Keep in mind that when someone says no to you about relationships, it's not always about being intimate, where "no" NEVER means "yes" or "maybe".

Dunno how soon your homecoming event is, but if you want to go with someone, you'd best find someone else. I really have no idea how the social aspect of these things work, since we never had them at my junior high and I avoided all high school dances and parties (was never one for dressing up and preferred guys as friends, rather than anything more since breakups are messy).

Homecoming is today/tommorow so there is no going back

2. Interfering with another person's committed relationship is something I can't fathom.

Seriously, this was not a good thing to do, particularly out of spite for not being "respected" (you don't say how they disrespected you). If they bullied you, talk to a trusted adult (ie. whichever teacher is supervising this activity). Or a guidance counselor. If not your parents. do you have any other adult relatives you trust, like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent?

They treated me like a child, nudged me aside, excluded me… the list goes on.

The only time when this could be a good thing is if abuse is happening. Helping someone to escape an abusive relationship (physical, verbal, emotional) is not bad. But that's not why you did this.

My advice is to think really hard about this, and use the advice given here by everyone who's said that you need to apologize to everyone affected by what you did. You're not going to get respect any other way.

Here's some more advice about apologies: Never, ever use the word "if" or the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way". Own up to your deeds. There's no "if" when the other person/people were definitely offended or harmed in some way (harm isn't only physical).

 

[Valka D'Ur]

They treated me like a child, nudged me aside, excluded me… the list goes on.

And that warrants interfering with someone's committed relationship?

There have been times when people have done that to me - as recently as yesterday. Am I angry about it? Yep. But I'm not going to go after them the way you did. There are some lines that should never be crossed.

Unless, of course, you're writing a soap opera. And in that case, it's fiction, not real life.

 

[Caesar of Bread]

So my date and I decided at the football game that we are going our separate ways after the dance.
And I still haven’t solved the quiz bowl issue

 

[schlaufuchs]

What’s to solve? You don’t meddle in other people’s relationships. Full stop.

If you have an issue with someone, use your words. If you’re in a social group that has gone toxic and cannot be rectified, extricate yourself from the situation or find an adult to talk to about what’s going on.

Meddling in others’ relationships is a huge breach of trust, and you’re unlikely to regain respect. Your best bet is to apologize and try to move forward from there.

 

[Zardnaar]

What’s to solve? You don’t meddle in other people’s relationships. Full stop.

If you have an issue with someone, use your words. If you’re in a social group that has gone toxic and cannot be rectified, extricate yourself from the situation or find an adult to talk to about what’s going on.

Meddling in others’ relationships is a huge breach of trust, and you’re unlikely to regain respect. Your best bet is to apologize and try to move forward from there.

This.