Are you a Nice Guy who can't seem to get a date because you're too nice?

[Chiteng]

OK. I give up now. I really do.

I would hope so. Calling me an inept plagerist is not likely to enhance decorum.
I post my own opinions. ALWAYS. You may have noticed it is very rare when people agree.

 

[Borachio]

Well, I'm sure I apologize. It would seem to indicate some convergence of opinion between you and some unnamed blogger, or whatever. Which is always possible. There are only so many varieties of opinion to had by the human brain, after all. I would guess.

Doesn't make your opinions any more valid though, does it?

 

[Valka D'Ur]

I suppose that's a useful way to avoid facing the inconvenient fact that you might just be wrong.

Since I'm female and you're not, I should think I'm better able to answer questions about how females think than you are.

It's honestly pathetic, how some guys can't figure out some of these things and reject the answers being handed to them practically on a silver platter, just because they figure, "Nah, women don't know anything."

I've been wondering which of your comments would finally push me to adjust a certain list in "My Account"...

Like all broads, right? High-five, Pat!

Ever been hit on by one of your friends wives? Its a BIG wake up call about how things in the world simply dont work the way they should.

If that ever happens to ANY of you, my advice is to excuse yourself, and RUN LIKE HELL.
Never talk to her alone again. Its good advice.

and dont run and blab to your friend. He doesnt want to know. and he will blame YOU for the pain. Just get out of the way of the train wreck.

This is all true. Women have a moral duty to behave honorably toward their husbands/Significant Others, just as men do. As for telling the husband... I guarantee that he will also blame her. What he does about it may be a divorce, it may be marriage counseling, or it may end up with her in the hospital because he got violent (or the other way around; some women do get that angry). There's no consistent "rule" for this. Some people would want to know if their spouse was unfaithful.

At least that's how it was when my mother found out that her in-laws had known that her husband was cheating on her, and never had the decency to tell her.

 

[TomYo689]

No one has a moral duty to behave honorably. That's a different topic though

Since I'm female and you're not, I should think I'm better able to answer questions about how females think than you are.

Maximum irony. On the previous pages of the thread you claim to be better able to answer questions about how guys think. Oh they're just being nice because they're nice people, I'll believe what doesn't make me sound bad.

 

[hobbsyoyo]

So many posts on this type of topic boil down to the essential question at the crux of the issue:
How do I get a girlfriend?

How many threads or posts have to be made in reply that ask:
Have you asked a girl out yet?
before it's finally driven home that this question answers your question and solves your problem.

 

[JohannaK]

I fail to see how finding a girlfriend is a relevant problem at all.

 

[Phrossack]

I fail to see how finding a girlfriend is a relevant problem at all.

And I fail to see how any mature male could possibly be a Ponyist. But some seem to be, just as a huge amount of people want girlfriends.

 

[emzie]

Yes surly. Hand her the power and 'hope' she wont misuse it. I have a lifetime of observation and experience that says - DONT DO THAT.

Ever been hit on by one of your friends wives? Its a BIG wake up call about how things in the world simply dont work the way they should.

Nope, I have not. Perhaps I pick smarter friends than you?

 

[nc-1701]

So asking for a date isn't the problem - it's what you hope will happen after, right? Sorry, there's no absolute answer to that. Asking her how she feels is never wrong, in my opinion. It can be awkward, but as long as you're sincere and respectful (and she is too, btw), the situation should work out.

Exactly... Anyway, I'll get somewhere (or not) with it eventually, I'm not trying to to hijack this into a "girl on the bus" style thread by any means. Just making the point that it's easy to find yourself in these kinds of things, even if you don't fall into a "nice guy" stereotype etc. Things are always complicated.

this post is for men.....

This is serious advice. As such it will be ignored, I am certain. That doesnt make it invalid. Just unpopular.

When playing with the fire (ie trying to get the attention of women)

There are a few tactics that you should use:

1) Learn to think like a woman. Would you date yourself? Would you even like yourself?
If so, then WHY? The answers are not always comforting.

2) What do you offer a/any women. You see that often overlooked point actually matters to WOMEN.

3) No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be the center of her universe. Stop assuming you are.

4) If she did it to one guy, she will do it to YOU. NEVER assume your special. Your NOT. And she knows it.

5) When you first notice a woman, and your attracted to her....
STOP - and ask yourself WHY. WHY do I want to get to know her?
You really need to answer that question. Inertia doesnt cut it.

If it is because: She is cute. Has a nice rack. Nice ass. Nice legs. Great, your a bottom feeder to her. Because she knows that stuff. I assure you.
You will be evaluated on the same type of criteria. You wont like it.
Women dont want humdrum. They want exotic. That is why some of the lamest lines,
delivered in the right way, sometimes work. Sure she knows she is being played.
But she DOESNT CARE.

6) Never assume your smarter than she is. Even if you were right, its the kiss of death.

7) Prove to her your special. That your worth knowing. If your not, then work on it.

This are all incredibly obvious and I would seriously question the rationality of anyone who disagrees with these. Especially #1.

 

[WindFish]

Maybe we should just ask one of the female forumites of CFC.

Well, since I have a gf, I won't be able to help you

sorry

 

[Akka]

I think a lot of people in this thread are mixing "nice guys" with "manipulative guys trying to act nice to have pity sex".

I'm pretty sure there is actually a very large difference between the two.
What I see here is rather trying to fight clichés with other clichés.

 

[Leonel]

this post is for men.....

This is serious advice. As such it will be ignored, I am certain. That doesnt make it invalid. Just unpopular.

When playing with the fire (ie trying to get the attention of women)

There are a few tactics that you should use:

1) Learn to think like a woman. Would you date yourself? Would you even like yourself?
If so, then WHY? The answers are not always comforting.

2) What do you offer a/any women. You see that often overlooked point actually matters to WOMEN.

3) No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be the center of her universe. Stop assuming you are.

4) If she did it to one guy, she will do it to YOU. NEVER assume your special. Your NOT. And she knows it.

5) When you first notice a woman, and your attracted to her....
STOP - and ask yourself WHY. WHY do I want to get to know her?
You really need to answer that question. Inertia doesnt cut it.

If it is because: She is cute. Has a nice rack. Nice ass. Nice legs. Great, your a bottom feeder to her. Because she knows that stuff. I assure you.
You will be evaluated on the same type of criteria. You wont like it.
Women dont want humdrum. They want exotic. That is why some of the lamest lines,
delivered in the right way, sometimes work. Sure she knows she is being played.
But she DOESNT CARE.

6) Never assume your smarter than she is. Even if you were right, its the kiss of death.

7) Prove to her your special. That your worth knowing. If your not, then work on it.

Many excellent points especially the last points. I'll certainly try to incorporate them into my own methods.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

No one has a moral duty to behave honorably. That's a different topic though

If you make a wedding vow, you damn well do have a moral duty to be honorable - that means keeping said vows.

Maximum irony. On the previous pages of the thread you claim to be better able to answer questions about how guys think. Oh they're just being nice because they're nice people, I'll believe what doesn't make me sound bad.

I never claimed to know how guys think. I do claim to know how I perceive guys' thought processes.

You keep misunderstanding me. My definition of a nice guy is a guy who is nice because it's his nature to be so - to everybody, not just me. A nice guy is nice if he has no ulterior motives for behaving that way. As I said - if he behaves nicely but has an agenda, that disqualifies him from claiming to be "nice" - and he can go to hell.

 

[Borachio]

Ever been hit on by one of your friends wives? Its a BIG wake up call about how things in the world simply dont work the way they should.

If that ever happens to ANY of you, my advice is to excuse yourself, and RUN LIKE HELL.
Never talk to her alone again. Its good advice.

and dont run and blab to your friend. He doesnt want to know. and he will blame YOU for the pain. Just get out of the way of the train wreck.

Yup. I agree with this.

Putting some distance between you is the only thing that'll work, imo. And leave it alone, a long time. And then a bit longer still.

 

[civver_764]

Some more random thoughts from me on this, to add to the discussion:

-"Being yourself" is cliche but great advice. A) You'll be more confident, B) you'll be sure that she likes you for who you're comfortable being, C) you avoid the awkward moments where she finds out all the stuff you lied to her about, and D) it's much more fulfilling to know that you don't need to change yourself.

-I don't see anything wrong with being in the 'friend zone' with someone. If you like them you should be ecstatic that they're spending time with you. Getting too hung up on the lack of sexual activity is pretty blatantly selfish. That's something I've definitely been guilty of so I understand the feeling.

-If you have the mentality that you need a girlfriend to be happy you're probably not going to be too confident when you're single.

-Getting too hung up on your lack of a girlfriend is the worst way to be single. Instead, focus on the positives.

-What you do in life is not as important as how you do it.

-Having a girlfriend is not all its made out to be and it's not going to make you content with life all of a sudden. Our minds will always continue to find things to worry about.

 

[TomYo689]

Ok percieve and not know. I suppose that's a useful way to avoid facing the inconvenient fact that your perception might just be wrong. Depending on how desirable you are it would otherwise mean telling most of your male friends to go to hell.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Ok percieve and not know. I suppose that's a useful way to avoid facing the inconvenient fact that your perception might just be wrong. Depending on how desirable you are it would otherwise mean telling most of your male friends to go to hell.

I'm reasonably sure I'm typing in English... some of the posters upthread appear to understand what I'm talking about, but you either don't, or you're just in the mood for an argument.

If my perception is wrong, feel free to enlighten me. I'm part way there already, given that I'm the only female I know of who actually gets why the Red Green Show is funny.

As for my being "desirable," what does that have to do with anything? I want a guy to like me for me, not for the external visuals. And if any of my male friends started trying to manipulate me or otherwise acting on some kind of ulterior agenda, they would cease to be my friends.

Something a lot of you are missing when trying to figure this out is the simple matter of TRUST. Newsflash for the comment about lies before: Don't lie. If you're not comfortable telling the truth about something, say you would rather not talk about it, or that you're not sure what to say. But don't lie, because that's something most women (emotionally healthy women, that is) will not forget. Whether they would forgive is up to the individual woman; I'm just me, so I can't speak to what other women might do.

 

[Joecoolyo]

-Having a girlfriend is not all its made out to be and it's not going to make you content with life all of a sudden. Our minds will always continue to find things to worry about.

I dunno about this. I mean, just the possibility of having a girlfriend recently has made me content beyond measure. Actually being together with her would be, I don't want to say bliss, but awesome

 

[Bugfatty300]

When you first notice a woman, and your attracted to her....
STOP - and ask yourself WHY. WHY do I want to get to know her?
You really need to answer that question. Inertia doesnt cut it.

So how can one have any meaningful insight on why they want to get acquainted with a stranger they're attracted to if they don't know anything about them? Isn't that point of getting acquainted in the first place? Only after that would you go about answering that question, right?

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

Well, my experience is no doubt very unusual. After all, I spent a good chunk of my formative years thinking that, due to my social awkwardness in general and my inability to relate to women in particular, I would never find someone. I did realize that there was a correlation between my lack of success with women, and my lack of efforts in getting to know women and asking them out. But when I met a girl with a similar sense of humor, who seemed to enjoy my company, I asked her out.