Are you a Nice Guy who can't seem to get a date because you're too nice?

[Leonel]

It's been my experience that it isn't about being a nice guy or a jerk but more so a confidence dynamic. I observe that girls seem to like guys who can put them at ease and are confident about themselves. I dated a woman who said I was the only one that made her laugh the most in the bar we were in.

That's just my experience though.

 

[Oruc]

I'm pretty sure i'd be annoyed with someone if they were only being nice just to get into my pants. Sorry dude, if she/he isn't into you, you can't make him/her like you in that way. You can't force someone to be attracted to you, the fact that this isn't realised by "nice guys" is pretty creepy.

Let's be honest here, it's not the woman they're interested in, it's the sex.

I believe it would be the sex with the woman they're interested in and the accompanying relationship, If they just wanted sex they would certainly not obsess over one women for any great length of time or just go to a prositute.

 

[Formaldehyde]

Women seem to want a confident, gentle, and compassionate man who is kind to children and the elderly, as well as being able to give them multiple orgasms. But push comes to shove, they will usually just settle for the latter.

http://www.viola.com/allan/lifeasaguy.asf

 

[useless]

It's been my experience that it isn't about being a nice guy or a jerk but more so a confidence dynamic. I observe that girls seem to like guys who can put them at ease and are confident about themselves. I dated a woman who said I was the only one that made her laugh the most in the bar we were in.

That's just my experience though.

This is pretty much true; how can you be with somebody else when you're not even comfortable with/don't even like yourself?

 

[emzie]

See, I was never the closet misogynist type of nice guy who thinks the world owes him a girlfriend, and a girl owes him sex because he was nice to her. I was this guy:

...

More deserving of pity than scorn. I put it on a pedestal and worshiped it. Really embarrassing, looking back on it, but then again I was young and inexperienced, driven only by the desire not to be "that" guy who dated a girl for the sex. It might have almost worked, had I not also been extremely boring to any girl I actually fancied, and thus squandered the one thing I had going for me.

That's not really the type of nice guy being described though. I have a feeling most of us were like that at some point in our adolescence. The "nice guy" being described is the type who, after all that, gets bitter towards the girl of his affection.

 

[_random_]

I have been one of those types. I like to think I'm moving out of it. I spent the better part of high school in pursuit of one girl, hoping it would work out like that XKCD above promises. I really did enjoy our friendship, but in the back of my head, I was never really conent with it. It wasn't until she started dating a friend of mine in autumn that I realized we probably wouldn't be good for each other in that capacity anyway. They're broken up now, and I think my growth in maturity is standing. No "rush in and console her while she's vulnerable" skeeziness I might have tried previously.

Also, I think the word "friendzone" does have some legitimate use, even if it's rarely applied.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

That's not really the type of nice guy being described though. I have a feeling most of us were like that at some point in our adolescence. The "nice guy" being described is the type who, after all that, gets bitter towards the girl of his affection.

I think you're probably right. At the time it certainly felt like I was in a small minority, though, but maybe that was just part of the mind set. I didn't have great self-esteem then. I mean, I understood it, I just didn't really believe it.

 

[Core Imposter]

Women sort men out in just a few minutes. Doable/not doable.

And thats it. Pretty much permanent. Even if you spend a lot of time getting in you'll almost always end up out.

So don't waste a lot of time. There are 7 billions of people. Meet more.

And remember, no sex till you're married.

 

[Evie]

Would make sense to think you're a minority when doing this. One big effect of being the always-nice-guy (the XKCD variant, not the OP variant) is that you're unnoticeable. Apparently that's unnoticeable even to other nice guys

 

[aelf]

It's been my experience that it isn't about being a nice guy or a jerk but more so a confidence dynamic.

This.

I was never really a nice guy but I have been nice to people I was interested in. It never worked, because being 'nice' also entailed never really making a move for fear of rejection or souring a friendship.

All the people I've dated have been people I was interested in but wasn't too worried about losing, and hence I wasn't shy towards them when it came down to it. That may sound harsh or weird, but fear of rejection can push you towards being passive, which seldom ever pays off.

 

[BvBPL]

In the BDSM community, the single largest demographic is sexually submissive men. They are also the largest single demographic in the same community because the demand for sexual dominant women or gay men significantly outpaces the available supply of the same. Often, sexually submissive men must compromise by joining a stable of other sexually submissives in order to enter into a polyandrous relationship, about the only kind of relationship they can get because the dominants they are attracted to have the pick of the litter, as it were, due to the glut of submissives.

This relates directly to the question of why nice guys finish last. Not so much because they are sexually submissive, although I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a positive correlation between being a nice guy and a lack of assertiveness in the bedroom, but because nice guys turn their lives around for women. The nice guy wants to make women, or one woman, the center of his life. He wants to give her flowers, gifts, his whole life to her. Women don’t accept this for a few reasons, but the key one is likely that people can smell an unbalanced relationship from a mile away. Just look at that XKCD comic; that’s all about wanting to create a dysfunctional, codependent relationship through being a nice guy. Women (and men, when the tables are turned) know when a relationship with someone would be bad news. Not many women want a clingy boy-toy nipping at their heels in desperate attempts for affection.

Far better to assert oneself and be confident as your own man, rather than seek valuation solely through a relationship with another.

 

[SamSniped]

I know, this is buzzfeed and all, but these silly comics and flow chart express a good principle I think.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/13-reasons-why-nice-guys-are-the-worst

What do you think OT? Are you a nice guy who thins girls are jerks who just want the proverbial BAD GUYS? Do you suspect there may be truth in these silly internet memes, and that perhaps the NICE INTERNET GUY shtick is in fact, not so nice?

What do you think about this phenomenon, or the perception thereof?

I do think I am a nice guy, but I am never a complete arse about it like he article makes them out to be. I haven't asked out many girls, but the few I have have said they just want to be friends. Unlike how these guys in that article react, I simply say to them "Alright," and my mindset is 'Oh well, so's life,' not 'OMG what a jerk all girls are like that.'

I'm mostly in the same vein as Cheezy. I used to be a "nice guy" (really a socially stunted guy who tried to get somewhere by being "nice" to girls and thinking that would work).

Though I'm not sure I ever really expected sex in return for niceness. Thought one might, eventually, lead to the other,perhaps, but not as a "I'm nice, now you owe me". More as a "If I'm nice, maybe one of them will be interested in me." Not that it worked any better. But still, no significant expectations. No "I'm nice, so you owe me this."

Now I much prefer playful humor as a way of getting noticed (followed by asking them out once I have their interest, though I'm still working on keeping my fear of rejection in check for that part.)

That more or less sums me up as well. I try and be nice, and I joke around a decent amount, but I also am not pushy, and by the time I decide I want to go out with a girl, she decides she wants someone else. I would like to be more confident, but it just doesn't seem normal for me to be like that. Don't ask me why,as I don't know, but I really can't see myself going up to some girl and saying "Hey, I like you, want to go out with me?" or something along those lines.

 

[Zack]

Basically, if you're defining trait is being "nice," you're not a particularly interesting individual.

 

[Phrossack]

With limited confidence, I'd have a hard time getting a girl. With no job or car, what would I do with a girlfriend if I actually had one? And how does one get confidence, anyway? I could fake it, but then she'd be dating a fake, an act, and one I couldn't keep up forever; besides, faking confidence seems dishonest, so I wouldn't do it.

 

[SamSniped]

@zack- Remind me not to type stuff like that when I am tired, I happen to leave out details, like that I'm not just nice but also pretty funny, intelligent, and although I'm not the best-looking guy by far, I sure as hell don't look like crap. I'm also pretty good at soccer, and probably my school's best alto saxophone player.

@Phrossack-That pretty mich sums up how I feel about that.

 

[metatron]

Women seem to want a confident, gentle, and compassionate man who is kind to children and the elderly, as well as being able to give them multiple orgasms. But push comes to shove, they will usually just settle for the latter.

Nah, it's the confidence (and to some degree competence*).
Most women will put up with any quantity of grossly bad sex for these two.

*Competence can be anything really. Rescuing whales, plotting a revolution or being in a lame band that never makes it works just as well as a great carreer. As long as one does something and is commited to and excited about it.

It's not a very unreasonable criterion. Why would you want to be with someone who is boring after all?

 

[civver_764]

The amount of generalizing in this thread is insane. "Women" do not all want the same things.

I think the most important thing to do is to realize that you are already complete with or without a romantic interest.

 

[metatron]

The amount of generalizing in this thread is insane. "Women" do not all want the same things.

Most

5char

 

[civver_764]

Wasn't directed at anyone in particular

 

[cybrxkhan]

The amount of generalizing in this thread is insane. "Women" do not all want the same things.

I think the most important thing to do is to realize that you are already complete with or without a romantic interest.

Maybe we should just ask one of the female forumites of CFC.