Are you a Nice Guy who can't seem to get a date because you're too nice?

[nc-1701]

My mother taught us all that 'if' we were nice to women, they would be nice to us.
I am sure she knew that was an obvious falsehood but she didnt tell us that.

As did mine, my understanding is it's fairly common, though in my case I feel like it was probably genuinely good intentioned since my mother went and married the "nice guy", not in the manipulative xkcd sense, but in the genuinely nice sense.


I'll also add that a lot of people who get dropped into this "nice guy" category, probably don't fall under either extreme. i.e. they are not amazing nice human beings who are way kinder/gentler etc. than everyone else, and they are not crazy and manipulative either...
They are just timid and naive, they are nice because they know being nice will allow them to avoid conflict and awkward situations. This was the group I used to fit into, and I feel like when you think about it, it's obvious why this group isn't particularly attractive.

 

[Eukaryote]

I know, this is buzzfeed and all, but these silly comics and flow chart express a good principle I think.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/13-reasons-why-nice-guys-are-the-worst

What do you think OT? Are you a nice guy who thins girls are jerks who just want the proverbial BAD GUYS? Do you suspect there may be truth in these silly internet memes, and that perhaps the NICE INTERNET GUY shtick is in fact, not so nice?

What do you think about this phenomenon, or the perception thereof?

There's a myth that all nice guys are a$$holes who only care about sex.

The truth is, they're not bad people, they're just plain wrong about how dating and attraction works.

It's a problem of ignorance, not of malevolence. Anyone who claims otherwise has never been a "nice guy" and never known a "nice guy" personally.

 

[Formaldehyde]

Perhaps nice guys would have better luck if they showed more respect for their potential mates:

 

[Chiteng]

The problem is that what a nice guy IS, varies from woman to woman. You cant be
everything to all women. Its not possible.

Look at the list of deal breakers that women hand us now days:

Smoking
Drinking
Sloth
Income
'looks' - to variable to attempt to define
Weight
Age
Social Circle
Drugs
Prior Children
How you treat your mother

add or subtract as you wish.

It is like they are searching for something, that will allow them to dump you.

It is as I said. The only way to shield yourself from pain, is to NOT CARE.
You must genuinely not care, only then are you immune from her.
And that cannot be faked.

Only when they get the vibe 'well no real loss here' do they start paying attention.
No woman likes being devalued.

But I can list a couple of deal breakers myself:

ANY woman that says 'What he doesnt know wont hurt him, right?'
Stay away from that woman. To even be able to say it is painful.

OR

'The heart wants what the heart wants' - ok what does that mean?
It means she wants to have sex w some other guy. Its over, face it.

OR

If she describes her last male companion using the word 'clingy'
That means that the former male tried to rein her in. Quite likely tried
to stop her from having sex w some other male.
Stay away from such self-serving women.

The prime validator is, extremely selfish behavior by a woman is a certain sign
to GIVE UP! You are wasting your time. You will get burned. Badly.

 

[Borachio]

Look, you're going to get hurt at some stage. Just get used to the idea. And once you've been hurt don't let it put you off.

Getting hurt is good for the ego, in this sense: It reminds the little fellow that it really isn't as important as it thinks it is.

Be universally friendly and open to any new relationship, while letting go of the baggage from old ones.

Don't say to yourself "There's a fantastic looking woman, I wish I knew her." The good looking ones are the most miserable creatures on earth.

Good looks count for nothing.

Kind hearts are more than coronets, And simple faith than Norman blood.

- Tennyson

(looking at that I don't know why I've put it there. oh well.)

 

[warpus]

I know, this is buzzfeed and all, but these silly comics and flow chart express a good principle I think.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/13-reasons-why-nice-guys-are-the-worst

What do you think OT? Are you a nice guy who thins girls are jerks who just want the proverbial BAD GUYS? Do you suspect there may be truth in these silly internet memes, and that perhaps the NICE INTERNET GUY shtick is in fact, not so nice?

What do you think about this phenomenon, or the perception thereof?

I think there are several factors at play here:

- Women tend to be drawn to alpha males, on average, due to past evolutionary pressures
- Guys who self-label as "nice guys" are usually not alpha males.
- Alpha males tend to be louder, pushier, and more confident.

I think it's mainly the fact that women are drawn to confidence quite a bit.. Who exhibits that quality, shy nerds or alpha males?

There's also this: tactics that seem douchy and butthole-like seem to work on women, on average, far better than being "nice" to them. The thing is that:

1. A lot of "nice" guys think that being "nice" means being the woman's lap dog. Women are generally not attracted to that kind of behaviour. They will be less likely to see you as a potential mate when you act this way.
2. Pickup artists, who's methods are very douchy and butthole like can be very successful. This makes "nice" guys think that women like jerks.

So.. yeah.. There's being nice and being "nice". You can be confident, assertive, and then be nice on top. This does not mean becoming somebody's lapdog. It means respecting them as a person and a potential partner and treating them right, every once in a while going out of your way with a nice gesture.. That kind of stuff.

Women are attracted to nice guys. It's just that you have to be confident as well and not be a nice guy of the "lap dog" variety. Have some balls.

 

[Arwon]

I find this thread makes my head hurt a lot less if I insert "some" in front of every absolutist/essentialist statement about half of humanity.

 

[CivCube]

When defining nice, too many stop at "not a jerk". Try to achieve some human qualities too.

 

[Phrossack]

Which, being nice or not getting dates?

Being nice.

 

[Kozmos]

It is all about confidence. And it usually when I have given up on trying to find a girl and just lived life that I have found girls that I've loved.

 

[warpus]

I find this thread makes my head hurt a lot less if I insert "some" in front of every absolutist/essentialist statement about half of humanity.

It's not easy to answer this question without generalizing a bit. Obviously my "explanation" doesn't include everyone - it's meant to be an attempt to explain the underlying dynamics, not paint whole groups of people with the same brush. Obviously everybody is different and people react to things differently, but there *are* some underlying generalizations that you can make that will statistically speaking offer some sort of an explanation.

Evolutionary pressures, for example, do not affect everyone's personality in the same way... but they affect all of us in many ways.

Of course, I have no idea if what you wrote was in response to me or not.

 

[Arwon]

Nah your post was pretty well hedged along those lines

 

[caketastydelish]

So ya don't like me huh? Well, no more Mr. nice guy!!!!!!!!

 

[Lord of Elves]

So-called alpha males appear to be difficult, unpleasant and unskilled people, in a general or stereotypical sense. Is this true, if so, why should these destructive personality traits be desirable?

 

[Joecoolyo]

This is called "romance", eh? The delicious frisson of "will she, won't she"?

I guess, dunno. I'm not too well versed in the subject. Nor experienced.

 

[Borachio]

And no one is, I suggest. Your own experience is all that counts.

 

[Chiteng]

Actually I agree with Bora. If a woman wants sex, she will tell you. There is not alot game playing in that dynamic. Unless YOU are the one doing it.

The only useful question is...'WHY' does she want sex? Good luck finding that out.

 

[Crezth]

Women are riddles wrapped in enigmas, that much is for sure. But are they human beings? Do they have thoughts or feelings? We may never know.

 

[Borachio]

Preliminary research indicates that, yes, they are human beings, and they do have thoughts and feelings. Or at least as much as their control group. Possibly more.

More research into this perplexing question may be required.

 

[Arwon]

So is it just me who finds most women to be no more weird or unfathomable than most men?