RAAARRRGHHH....
I have a rant on page 87. But that was a long time ago, and the pain had faded since then. So recently I found myself thinking I could have a little fun just reinstalling Civ V and idly getting achievements for Civ V. I settled down to play a Huge, Continents map, on King difficulty as Harun Al Rashid aiming for a diplomatic victory maybe. 3 days later, after loading and re-loading trying to get around the ridiculous design elements, and swearing at the monitor that "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU PUT THAT IN, AND WHAT WAS I THINKING TO HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL THIS?!", I close the game in disgust and vow for it to be many months more before I go back to it. And came to the Rant thread to remind myself I wasn't alone in being disgusted.
But what were the things that enraged me so? This Map was a masterful tour de force of how the designers appear to have not understood basic human nature and how it understands what a "Fair" experience is.
1.) I start and discover that every AI on my Continent is aggressive. How do I discover this? Bismark and Monty march across half a continent and arrive simultaneously and declare war at the same time against me; When? When I have just placed my second city...
Hypothetical Dev says; People play Civ because they love war gaming, let's give them lots of war! And very little Civilization!
2.) I beat both off by dancing a warrior about near cities and chop-rushing an archer out. I march over to find their cities and realise that Berlin is in a choke point, so Monty has walked quietly past him.
H. Dev says; People love being the centre of attention, let's make the AI always be focused on the player and frustrating his actions!
3.) After a couple of reloads due to units dying, usually because of an ambush I can't see coming from behind a huge stack of hills that Monty keeps sending units through, and because by now I'm already thinking "just complete the map, get the achievement at least", I finally conquer Berlin. But the AI has a resource advantage, not just because of the difficulty level bonus, but because by the time I've managed to fight them off, and get my third city up, Germany has 4, and later I would discover Monty had got up to 7. On mouse over, both already show "We Covet Lands" and "You Built Wonders" as I'd popped Pyramids in the meantime. And then the Iroquis, allied with Germany, and Japan come from the north and also declare War on me, apparently because my lands are so sexy to them too.
H. Dev: Endless war you can't avoid, that's the stuff!
4.) I take a short term peace treaty with Monty, the Iroquis and Japan, to allow me to mop up the rest of Germany without more 4 on 1 fun , but as Monty is clearly about to attack me again with an army parked along the border of Berlin, I re-declare as soon as I've got superior forces locally and the peace treaty expires. Everyone who attacked me just a few turns before now Denounces me, and people on the other continent none of us have even met yet think of me as a Warmonger, with associated negative diplomatic penalties.
H. Dev: You don't want to be liked, feared is better! Did I program the AI to fear you? Don't answer that sorry, my pizza just arrived, talk to you later! If you're still alive!
5.) By using just a few units, cheating and re-loading if they die so as to try and maintain tech parity by not having to keep replacing them, because damn it, I'm already fed up with the way the AI is scripted to play unfair in exchange for the challenge it can't otherwise provide, I destroy Monty. My empire is now spouse-batteringly unhappy, as all the happiness techs come much too late for the wars I was forced to fight, and despite only 3 cities still being under my direct control. And then America meets us, and starts a war with Japan. They ask me to join in, and I agree... because Japan also attacked me previously, and oh look, there's a few catapults on their way to my cities... are you looking at this closely?
H.Dev: Wait, sorry no... I was just looking at the pretty User Interface! Ooooh, shiny. Were you experiencing anything important there, because I've no idea what this means now...
6.) *sighs*. I defeat Japan, on behalf of America. And launch a Research Treaty with the US. At this point, by 600 AD odd, I own an entire continent, on a Huge map. I pledge to protect all the local City States, and get as many to Ally as I can... I should be laughing, right? But a certain Unknown Civilization keeps gazumping me, and making it all pointless because he seems to have an endless supply of cash. But do you know what none of the City States have? Certain resources that AI civs only get, and which seem designed to never be available to you. Remember, I have half the world on a HUGE map. But it has no Wine, Ivory, Gold and at least 3 other resources are nowhere on this continent.
H.Dev: Well, trading would have no point at all if we designed the map with a fair, or even truly random resource model. So we fudged it a bit. Go and offer 3 resources for every one you need, to access the happiness you desperately need now!
7.) Really? They'll be happy I traded with them? I'm not just giving away a 3x advantage to AI's that are absolutely going to batter me with their bonuses later?
H.Dev; Ooooh, look over here too, shinies again!
8.) I never proceeded to fight another country or city state again, from 600 AD to 1986 when I finally quit in disgust. The AI's proceed to Denounce me constantly from date to date so I was still known as a Warmonger 1200 peaceful years later. And no, the majority of them won't trade because you're getting too potentially powerful; which has spectacularly bad design element that in fact my economy starts to collapse even further, because I can't do anything to rationally use the "Friendships" I supposedly did make. But it potentially might, so they hate me to the level of what I could be tomorrow, not what I'm actually doing now...
And the gold advantage they have means they pop Research Agreements again and again... they all seem to be going with that particular Unknown it seems, whilst I start to struggle to even stay solvent. Caravels exploring the world reveal that Civ is... Rome? And with Russia, Persia and Siam as well, who all hate me already. Sigh...
H.Dev: And every time you pop a tech that reveals a resource or a wonder you'd really like, I'll make sure the resource is just inside Rome's borders not yours, so you have to invade them before they can use it; or we'll make sure the AI can see what wonder's you start to build, and can build it just a few turns faster than you, even if you had an Engineer waiting there to rush it! Just making sure there's a hard fight no matter how good you get; triumph and victory is so over-rated anyway! Especially when it's over a wimp, so let's put Rome on Steroids. Don't thank us, just doing our job!
9.) HNNNNNGH, As a matter of fact, I did try and use an Engineer to rush Christo Rendentor, and yes Rome did suddenly switch to it as soon as I started it, and complete it the traditional offensive 2 turns before I could, and 1 turn again on the second reload, until on a third where I starved the city by putting everyone into production buildings and hexs only...
H.Dev: Don't worry, you won't have to do that often; Because have you seen the enormous tech lead Rome has now too?
10.) God yes. By the time Redentor was completed, it became obvious I couldn't possibly catch them in any way, because EVEN WHEN ROME WAS INVADING THEM, they'd offer Research Treaties and denounce me instead, because I'm the Player.
The worst example was when I experimented with one re-load and asked America what he would give me to join the war against Rome, who was besieging his last 4 cities. And you know I'm good for this Washington, we've worked together so well in the past right? I killed the Japanese partly for you, remember? He offered me 200 gold, but what was important was that he knows I'm coming to fight for him... As soon as I accepted the offer, and moved my first unit into the former American empire to fight against Rome... "Washington Denounces You To The World"
H.Dev: Ahah-ha-ha
11.) In the end, I tried just parking all my units around Washington's cities so Rome couldn't physically get to them whilst we were still at peace, and he'd just sit there using Rocket Artillery on them. I desperately continued to use my enormous research rate to go for the United Nations. The turn I started the Research for Globilization? Rome switches to building the UN. I look at the Victory conditions. Despite invading and conquering at least 6 City States, of the remaining 18, 12 are going to vote for him. I reload to the previous turn, change my queued tech to something else, watch... no UN for Rome this time. Reload, leave it on Globilization and watch, Rome sees the tech again and switches to the UN again.
H.Dev: Puts a wizard hat on and pulls a stupid face Alakazam, more challenge, justlikethat!
12.) By now furious with how it's impossible to have any emergent fun without abusing the game mechanics, I reload back 20 turns to an auto save, and switch every single city in my huge, inefficient empire to Wealth and Gold Production. I leave Globilization queued, and again as soon as the tech begins, he switches to UN production and it pops by 1986. I start bribing the City States everywhere I can, but if I put down 250 gold to get to Ally, the next turn he flips it with 500... I do the sums and work out that even if I wait until the turn before the vote, the AI follows me so he'll flip again, and the best I can do is prevent him holding enough to not win Diplomatic on this try. Whilst my empire is starving to death...
ENOUGH. I swear in real life at the game, and come to the Rants forum to enjoy other people abusing it...
I will not be buying Gods and Kings, you'll be unsurprised to hear.
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