Askthepizzaguy
Know the Dark Side
Family values social and cultural Conservative:
Freedom-loving, lower-taxes, free-market, fiscal Conservative, all-American capitalist:
Conservative Republican politician:
Religious Conservatism and fundamentalism:
Prominent conservatives:
What they all agree on:
When crazy gets popular enough, it doesn't realize it is crazy anymore.
- Means being able to cheat on your wife and not be thrown out of office. Or, all things being equal, decrying Bill Clinton's behavior and then doing the same thing years later, or in Newt's case, at the same time.
- Means being able to speak out against the evils of gayness while hiring gay prostitutes. Oooh scandalous!
- Means being for a constitutional amendment to "protect marriage", while cheating on your spouse, soliciting gay sex, or getting several divorces, while Vegas drive-thru marriage "chapels" remain open and polygamous cults have their liberties protected, because that's religious freedom.
- Means comparing homosexuality to bestiality, and that's why it shouldn't be allowed.
- Means preaching about immorality while being addicted to painkillers.
- Means speaking out about the evils of illegal immigration while hiring illegal workers yourself.
- Means talking a good game about the Bible while not actually following through on any of it.
- Means saying we've got to respect our commander-in-chief in a time of war (unless he's a Democrat)
- Means murdering abortion doctors because murder is wrong. Or saying that while you don't condone that behavior, you don't condemn it either.
- Means forming pro-Christian cop-murdering militias.... I'm sure Jesus would have approved.
- Means having openly gay police officers, firefighters, congressmen, businessmen, and having anti-discrimination laws in all sectors... except of course, in the main institution which is meant to defend such protected freedoms, the military.
- Means being so concerned about national security, you contract out port security to foreign countries. And of course, firing desperately-needed Arabic translators for being gay.
- Means being able to tap anyone's phone whenever you want without a warrant, but flushing millions of government emails so no one knows what you were doing.
Freedom-loving, lower-taxes, free-market, fiscal Conservative, all-American capitalist:
- Means endorsing and supporting a market where, when you gamble with other people's money, you win big and pay very few taxes on it. Unless you lose a lot of money, then "we're all in this together", so gimme a bailout with public money so I can do it again.
- Means suggesting that mandated health care would lead to death panels and no health care for grandma, while under the current system, any insurer can just toss grandma out on her wrinkled old behind for no reason other than to protect profits, never mind how much she spent on that insurance over the years. Oh, let's not forget, denying coverage to children for pre-existing conditions when many are born with them. Too bad, so sad, let them die. But the government, who wants to cover those people, is the source of the DEATH PANELS.
- Means turning a budget surplus into a massive federal deficit, then complaining that there is a deficit under (the very next) Democratic administration.
- Means no-bid government contracts for stuff we don't even need, while ignoring better armor for the troops, while complaining about the budget.
- Means being against raising the minimum wage while voting yourself a pay increase.
- Means private jets and trips to Hawaii and spending money on lesbian nightclubs with RNC contributor dollars, in a recession.
- Means endorsing a mandated arrangement for consumers of the private insurance industry, then turning around and rejecting the idea as socialist.
- Means endorsing government bailouts of the automotive industry when they couldn't compete in the "free" market.
- Means bailing out or buying up lots of corporations when they cannot meet their debts, but leaving homeowners and insurance holders and cardholders out to dry, then calling it socialist.
- Means voting against government works projects in a recession with high unemployment, but accepting the money anyway and showing up at ribbon-cutting events with a big check, smiling, and taking credit for it, while actively sending letters requesting MORE federal dollars for those same projects, in private, and talking up all the jobs it would create, while saying it doesn't create jobs.
- Means being for reducing or ending unemployment benefits in a recession with high unemployment.
- Means using special privileges as a Senator to delay vital benefits for devastated families because of the impact on the federal debt, while accepting millions of dollars in pork spending for YOUR district, while not caring about the deficit then.
- Means being for farm subsidies and military bases in your district, while saying the federal government can't be trusted with our money and never does anything right.
- Means being for repealing or privatizing Medicare... but not being for repealing or privatizing federally funded transportation projects in your state, or privatizing the F.B.I or homeland security. Just privatize things that other people need, not things you want.
Conservative Republican politician:
- Means being for your own health care plan before you were against it.
- Means telling the opposition to be bi-partisan while making no concessions whatsoever.
- Means being for the bailouts before you were against it.
- Means being for the bridge to nowhere before you were against it.
- Means asking people for money to repeal a bill that you will never repeal, then using that money to pay for private planes to give paid political speeches and sell books and autographs.
- Means saying Obama lacks the experience to be president, then having Sarah Palin as your running mate.
- Means campaigning on "Drill baby drill" and then being unsupportive of a Democratic president who expands offshore drilling.
- Means being for Nuclear power, except when Obama does it.
- Means giving Bush unprecedented unchecked executive power, while being for smaller government and not trusting Washington.
- Means going to war in Afghanistan to get Bin Laden "dead or alive", then abandoning that war in favor of Iraq which had nothing to do with 9-11, and saying that capturing Bin laden wouldn't matter.
- Means being for money to prop up foreign governments, and then saying unemployment benefits and medicare for Americans is wasteful spending.
- Means being fiercely in support of the sanctity of the Constitution and the law, while proposing changing the Constitution in order to make sure gays can't get married, and doing illegal wiretaps and torturing prisoners, which is against domestic and international laws, respectively.
Religious Conservatism and fundamentalism:
- Means polygamous marriages are okay, straight marriages are okay, divorce is okay, but homosexual unions are not. What if gays had a church? Would it be protected religious freedom then?
- Means Scientologists who leave the Sea Org compound and complain about beatings and forced labor aren't protected, but the church's tax-exempt status and massive profits from selling fraudulent medical consultations, hundreds of books and related products, and practicing mental therapy without a license are protected.
- Means reading a book which asks you to take care of the poor, the needy, and the sick, but then being against putting that into practice with tax dollars.
- Means reading a book which preaches peace, non-violence, and tells you to turn the other cheek, while supporting an offensive war and polishing up your guns.
- Means reading a book which says being gay is an offense to God, in the same chapter which says that eating certain animals is forbidden, and embracing one while ignoring the other.
- Means "God said it, I believe it, that ends it" and science are directly incompatible, so stop trying to teach religion as an alternative scientific viewpoint.
- Means teaching that pedophilia is wrong, but not lifting a finger to stop it in your own church, that's fine. The church can police itself, after all.
- Means having the infallible word of God directly contradict itself.
- Means having an infallible Pope, when supposedly only God is infallible.
- Means having an infallible Pope which repeals policies of previous infallible Popes.
- Means unnecessary, often-irreversible elective genital surgery which sometimes results in urinary fistulas, chordee, cysts, lymphedema, ulceration of the glans, necrosis of all or part of the penis, hypospadias, epispadias and impotence, forced upon an infant without any painkillers is okay!
- Means being especially skeptical of any scientific field of study which directly contradicts your creation mythology, even though organized religion has amended itself in the past, but not against other scientific fields of study which don't directly contradict it.
- Means being able to say with a straight face that religion helps turn sinners into morally upstanding people, when atheists and non-believers are not any more likely to commit crimes than religious people, or more likely to start offensive wars.
- Means denying that you can be a good person without religion... not good enough for your particular peaceful afterlife, anyway.
- Means when earthquakes and hurricanes hit, it is just God's punishment for "pagans, homosexuals, and fornicators". Even when it kills religious people. It's funny how sexuality and lack of belief makes you evil, but actual crimes aren't the main focus. Just once I'd like to see an anti-pedophilia campaign larger than the anti-homosexual campaign.
Prominent conservatives:
- Rush Limbaugh, overweight, divorced several times and was addicted to painkillers, complains about other's personal flaws on a regular basis.
- Pat Robertson, spewer of hatred towards non-religious people and homos.
- Glenn Beck, shill for gold selling companies and ridiculous conspiracy theorist.
- Mitt Romney, supporter of healthcare reform in his state that was more progressive than the healthcare bill that went through Congress which he was against.
- Sarah Palin, who is still learning her big girl words, and sellin' books and telling us ordinary, regular, true Americans all about the fairness and the balance there, ya know? Too bad she didn't even know what the Bush doctrine was. Very qualified to be President. Couldn't go one full term as governor. Quit during ongoing investigations into her unethical activities.
- John McCain, who sold out his moderate leanings and record to become a two-faced partisan hack who frequently tried to tie Obama to terrorists. Classy.
- Newt Gingrich, the living, breathing, walking parody of conservative values.
- Karl Rove.
What they all agree on:
- Obama is a socialist ideologue who "did many of the things Hitler did", who laughably also needs "to tone down the rhetoric", "listen", and "be more bipartisan".
When crazy gets popular enough, it doesn't realize it is crazy anymore.
