Do Open Marriages Work?

[Kaitzilla]

I read this story the other day with a certain amount of disbelief.
Surely this guy is headed for a divorce some day I thought.

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/07/what-open-marriage-taught-one-man-about-feminism.html

As I write this, my children are asleep in their room, Loretta Lynn is on the stereo, and my wife is out on a date with a man named Paulo. It’s her second date this week; her fourth this month so far. If it goes like the others, she’ll come home in the middle of the night, crawl into bed beside me, and tell me all about how she and Paulo had sex. I won’t explode with anger or seethe with resentment. I’ll tell her it’s a hot story and I’m glad she had fun. It’s hot because she’s excited, and I’m glad because I’m a feminist.

Is this a success story?
Passive Aggressive revenge?
Something new?
Something old?

I don't know what to make of it.

 

[downtown]

Different strokes for different folks I guess, but I can't imagine how that kind of relationship would really be healthy for everybody in the long run.

 

[Verbose]

That it's a funny old world, and it take all sorts to make one?

I'd say it depends on the individuals involved. It apparently works for some poeple. It might be a rather horrible mistake to think that will work for all people however.

 

[classical_hero]

Not really a marriage if you have other partners.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

It can work for some people. But the guy who wrote that sounds like the most beaten, downtrodden, crushed man it's ever been my pain to read the words of. He's not doing it because he likes it, he's doing it because he hates himself and has no self-respect. I hope writing that article made him feel better about the situation because it's about the only comfort he'll get.

Oh and also quite amusing to hear a feminist say this:

What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome.

 

[Cheetah]

If this particular guy is actually okay with it, then I don't see any problems with it.

If he's not completely okay with it however, and is actually repressing his feelings about the situation, there will not be a happy ending.

For what it's worth, I don't think the vast majority of emotionally healthy men - or women, for that matter! - will be okay with this situation. It might be a bit different if both partners are allowed, willing and successful at finding new dates, but total equality in such an arrangement is rather impossible to achieve. And your excerpt doesn't seem to indicate that this is the case.

So (with mostly speculation from my end of course):
- It's not a success story. It's the beginning of the story of their eventually unhappy and/or failed marriage.
- There's no passive aggressiveness indicated in your excerpt, but I'm sure there is quite a lot of it in the actual situation.
- The new part is that people didn't usually publish the fact that their spouse was having regular, approved, extramarital affairs. And it's certainly new that it's men who write about and approve of it (I suppose that part could be a small victory to equality/feminism somehow?)
- Spouses who aren't emotionally healthy have, throughout time, been led to believe that they are unable to stop a partner from having extramarital affairs, that they don't deserve a faithful partner, that it's the right thing to do for their union, and convincing themselves that they're alright with it all.

It's all self-delusional of course. In actuality, the unfaithful partner has lost interest and/or respect for the other partner, and what little respect remains will gradually be worn down by the refusal of the other partner to stand up for himself/herself. Counseling could possibly work, but most likely it's time to cut the losses and get out of this marriage.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

If it works for them, more happiness to them. Personally the only thing in the story that rang weird for me is that if she crawled into bed with me and told me the hot story I'd do more than tell her it was a hot story. Other than that I'd be okay with it. Any guy who hasn't figured out that the female body is capable of far more sex than any male body isn't paying attention.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

By the way, is this now the official* feminist stance on relationships and marriage? Or is this just one man's really weird interpretation of feminism?


*as much as such a notion makes sense.

 

[Kaitzilla]

If this particular guy is actually okay with it, then I don't see any problems with it.

If he's not completely okay with it however, and is actually repressing his feelings about the situation, there will not be a happy ending.

For what it's worth, I don't think the vast majority of emotionally healthy men - or women, for that matter! - will be okay with this situation. It might be a bit different if both partners are allowed, willing and successful at finding new dates, but total equality in such an arrangement is rather impossible to achieve. And your excerpt doesn't seem to indicate that this is the case.

So (with mostly speculation from my end of course):
- It's not a success story. It's the beginning of the story of their eventually unhappy and/or failed marriage.
- There's no passive aggressiveness indicated in your excerpt, but I'm sure there is quite a lot of it in the actual situation.
- The new part is that people didn't usually publish the fact that their spouse was having regular, approved, extramarital affairs. And it's certainly new that it's men who write about and approve of it (I suppose that part could be a small victory to equality/feminism somehow?)
- Spouses who aren't emotionally healthy have, throughout time, been led to believe that they are unable to stop a partner from having extramarital affairs, that they don't deserve a faithful partner, that it's the right thing to do for their union, and convincing themselves that they're alright with it all.

It's all self-delusional of course. In actuality, the unfaithful partner has lost interest and/or respect for the other partner, and what little respect remains will gradually be worn down by the refusal of the other partner to stand up for himself/herself. Counseling could possibly work, but most likely it's time to cut the losses and get out of this marriage.

What a great post.


The guy is a stay at home dad too.
It's irritating when I hear guys guffaw with laughter whenever they hear about househusbands, so he probably has to deal with neighbors' and friends' crap too.

Marriages where women earn more than men have 50% higher divorce rates for whatever reason, so he'll probably have that working against him also.

I'm hoping he really is happy and the article wasn't some kind of plea for help from his inner id.


I remember a few years back Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher tried an open marriage, and it blew up in their faces even though they had millions of dollars to make it work.

 

[Archbob]

I remember a few years back Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher tried an open marriage, and it blew up in their faces even though they had millions of dollars to make it work.

That's because open marriages don't work.

 

[illram]

I've never seen these relationships end well on the few occasions that someone I know tries one. Even if both partners feel ewually desirous of other partners outside their relationship. Eventually one partner always felt like they were getting the short end of the stick. But that's not to say that expanding our concept of a healthy relationship is a bad thing. I would just tread very carefully here.

Personally, not for me. Too many minefields and seems like something that you might think is a good idea before you try it, and then becomes intractable by the time you realize it's a bad idea.

 

[JollyRoger]

Not really a marriage if you have other partners.

So many of the Biblical patriarchs weren't really married? The church, made up of many people isn't really the bride of Christ? Israel is illegitimate?

 

[bhavv]

Link to video.

This is somewhat relevant. Not about an open relationship but a crazy woman who constantly slept around and still wants to remain married and claims she loves her husband.

I suppose that's what feminists think all women should be like?

 

[Verbose]

By the way, is this now the official* feminist stance on relationships and marriage? Or is this just one man's really weird interpretation of feminism?


*as much as such a notion makes sense.

What makes you think that?

 

[bhavv]

Well I wouldn't be surprised if it is. Feminism is all about empowering women and hating men, so I do think that feminists would approve of cheating on those scummy evil men just to get their own back in society or something.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

What makes you think that?

What makes me think a question? Curiosity.

 

[jackelgull]

By the way, is this now the official* feminist stance on relationships and marriage? Or is this just one man's really weird interpretation of feminism?


*as much as such a notion makes sense.

The official stance of feminist's on relationships? Answer- it varies. Sexuality and sex has been discussed to death by feminists with no real consensus. To some Free Love is the perfect manifestation of feminism, and marriage is oppressive. To others, a truly equal marriage is feminist, while sleeping around is degrading and wrong. I'm sure ope marriage falls somewhere in between that spectrum. Now, I don't know the most popular stance, but I imagine that the concept of romantic love and romance is so prevalent in society that monogamy has won the day.

 

[Narz]

I'm not expert on marriage, never having done it. I couldn't imagine being monogamous the rest of my life though. I'd let my woman <snip> around under two conditions. A : I got to do the same. B : She didn't choose dangerous or stupid men who I'd have to worry about trying to fight me or take her away from me.

This whole feminist men-are-bad-and-want-to-control-women angle is very shallow. The real reason men are afraid of their wife sleeping around is the historical source of most men's fears - violence. If your chick is sleeping with another dude who decides he wants her full time he can kill you, he can figure out your wife's address & come try to get you out of the picture. This is about as primal a fear as you can get.

Thats why I'd want to vet the dudes my wife screwed & likewise I'd let her vet my dudes.

I'm pretty secure in my sexuality so again the only real thing I'd worry about is some violent/possessive/unstable dude.

I've tag teamed a chick before (a couple of times, both with the same friend , and got blocked once by a jealous housemate), its no big deal, its a nice bonding experience with your homie, I'd straight so I prefer to take turns than have a dick within a few feet of me ideally but I don't mind that it was just in the same woman. Of course when its your wifey there are more emotions involved but whatev, if your love is so delicate that you think another man's sexing will make your wife forget about you you need a stronger marriage.

This stuff isn't for everyone, might not even be for me, I've never tried it within a relationship in a healthy way.

Do open marraiges work? Kind of like regular marraiges, they do for some people, some of the time.

On a sidenote : men claiming to be feminists as if they want someone to give them a cookie for it makes me want to throw up on them.

That's because open marriages don't work.

As opposed to normal celebrity marriages which always work of course.

Moderator Action: Inappropriate language removed.
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889

 

[bhavv]

Yea but Narz, we all know you're just a player.

 

[Narz]

I'm not a player, girls play me.