Do Open Marriages Work?

[bhavv]

That's what they all say.

 

[Narz]

Who is they all? You dare catagorize me?!

Srsly tho, I didn't even french kiss anyone til a few months before my 19th birthday, I was a super late bloomer & spent many years of my early twenties sexually frustrated as well (as well as early thirties when I was on the outs with baby momma).

I'm also still a bit of a mess IRL, once the seduction wears off women are like, OMG this guy doesn't have himself together & run away. I can't lie that its fun while it lasts.

 

[bhavv]

If you're a bit of a mess in IRL than I have no chance!

 

[Cheetah]

Other than that I'd be okay with it. Any guy who hasn't figured out that the female body is capable of far more sex than any male body isn't paying attention.

The female body also has a strong inclination to emotionally attach itself to its preferred male partner. And you do know that the vast, vast majority of humans have a rather developed sense of jealousy, right?

By the way, is this now the official* feminist stance on relationships and marriage? Or is this just one man's really weird interpretation of feminism?


*as much as such a notion makes sense.

I suppose that's what feminists think all women should be like?

Feminism is all about empowering women and hating men, so I do think that feminists would approve of cheating on those scummy evil men just to get their own back in society or something.

No, yes, no, not really, and no, only for some definitions of feminism.

This is one guy who is doing heavy mind gymnastics to convince himself that he is okay with what his wife is doing.

Humans are still humans, and the vast majority of mentally healthy humans want a steady union with one other person. There is a noticeable section of the populace which is much more invested in short-term relationships and uninterested in monogamy, at least until their options starts shrinking. The monogamously oriented majority would do well to stay clear of this group.

Everything is a continuum of course, and most people are different shades of monogamy-happy. However, very few people are very accepting of a partner which has other sexual (or intimate emotional) partners.

While I don't hold much love for (contemporary) feminism, the vast majority of people whom label themselves feminists are normal, monogamously oriented people with normal level of jealousy and pride. Like the MRMs, the man-haters are mostly insignificant (though when/if reasonable people don't stand up to them at times, they can end up negatively affecting policy for a time). The situation described in the OP is several standard deviations off from normality.

Marriages where women earn more than men have 50% higher divorce rates for whatever reason, so he'll probably have that working against him also.

Actually, that has more to do with the socioeconomic status of the people involved. The quantity and success of marriages for college educated people is still going relatively strong. On the lower socioeconomic ends however, the situation is really falling apart. I rushed through your link, but I didn't see anything indicating that they adjusted for the socioeconomic factors.

I remember a few years back Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher tried an open marriage, and it blew up in their faces even though they had millions of dollars to make it work.

Pure speculation on my part of course, but Moore probably tried to convince herself that she could save her relationship with Kutcher by letting him have extramarital affairs, and that she was okay with it.

 

[Hygro]

Any guy who hasn't figured out that the female body is capable of far more sex than any male body isn't paying attention.

At first you're like "yassss!!!"
and then you're like "ooeh noooe"

 

[Valka D'Ur]

At some point the kids are going to be old enough to notice something's weird, and start asking questions. They'll have lived in a society that is overwhelmingly monogamous (marriage-wise) and tells them that extramarital sex is wrong. So I predict some issues with the kids wondering if their parents are going to run off with someone they like better, and pretty soon there's a lack of trust and respect.

Once you're married, that's who you sleep with. Otherwise, have the decency to get a divorce and then you can "play the field" as much as you want.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

At some point the kids are going to be old enough to notice something's weird, and start asking questions. They'll have lived in a society that is overwhelmingly monogamous (marriage-wise) and tells them that extramarital sex is wrong. So I predict some issues with the kids wondering if their parents are going to run off with someone they like better, and pretty soon there's a lack of trust and respect.

Once you're married, that's who you sleep with. Otherwise, have the decency to get a divorce and then you can "play the field" as much as you want.

Note that she crawls into bed with him and tells him the hot story...not the kids.

The vast majority of kids are raised wondering how they could possibly have occurred since their parents don't openly acknowledge that they have sex with each other, much less keep the kids up to date on who else they might be having sex with.

 

[illram]

Feminism is all about empowering women and hating men

Well, alrighty then!

 

[Valka D'Ur]

This is somewhat relevant. Not about an open relationship but a crazy woman who constantly slept around and still wants to remain married and claims she loves her husband.

I suppose that's what feminists think all women should be like?

I consider myself a feminist and I think that woman is basically a whore. I didn't watch the entire video because I just got too disgusted with her 7 men and 200 instances of cheating and being paid for sex and using excuses to justify her behavior.

That's a classic case for which I'd say "have the decency to get a divorce before running around" because it's a lousy way to respect her marriage and family.

Well I wouldn't be surprised if it is. Feminism is all about empowering women and hating men, so I do think that feminists would approve of cheating on those scummy evil men just to get their own back in society or something.

Could we possibly just not bother with another "OMG, TEH EVUL FEMINIST WITCHES!!! " argument?

Note that she crawls into bed with him and tells him the hot story...not the kids.

The vast majority of kids are raised wondering how they could possibly have occurred since their parents don't openly acknowledge that they have sex with each other, much less keep the kids up to date on who else they might be having sex with.

And kids have an uncanny ability to overhear things, and read body language and other nonverbal cues that tell them mommy and daddy are lying when they pretend everything is okay.

And of course there's no guarantee this woman's multiple other partners are going to keep quiet or that none of their family or friends or acquaintances wouldn't find out and say something.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

And kids have an uncanny ability to overhear things, and read body language and other nonverbal cues that tell them mommy and daddy are lying when they pretend everything is okay.

And of course there's no guarantee this woman's multiple other partners are going to keep quiet or that none of their family or friends or acquaintances wouldn't find out and say something.

So we have now leaped from "the kids are raised in a monogamous society so they will wonder about mom's other partners" to "and they will know about those partners because they will catch the lie when mom and dad are pretending everything is okay."

Pray tell, when did the assumption that everything isn't okay enter the conversation, and how did it arrive full blown as an established fact? I thought we were still using the original point that mom and dad were happily doing their (somewhat unusual) thing.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

So we have now leaped from "the kids are raised in a monogamous society so they will wonder about mom's other partners" to "and they will know about those partners because they will catch the lie when mom and dad are pretending everything is okay."

Pray tell, when did the assumption that everything isn't okay enter the conversation, and how did it arrive full blown as an established fact? I thought we were still using the original point that mom and dad were happily doing their (somewhat unusual) thing.

You're going by the video and what's there. I'm going by what is possible in the future.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

You're going by the video and what's there. I'm going by what is possible in the future.

Why don't we jump to the limits of what's possible in the future and consider the fate of the kids if mom and dad are hit by a bus tomorrow?

 

[Narz]

None of this was for me but I just couldn't resist...

The female body also has a strong inclination to emotionally attach itself to its preferred male partner.

Thats what all the boys want to think. And of course they believe they are the ideal male partner.

The science is actually quite different. Woman lose attraction & stray just like men.

And you do know that the vast, vast majority of humans have a rather developed sense of jealousy, right?

And we also have the capacity to stuff our faces. Primitive urges & reactions are worthy to be considered but jealousy like gluttony can be tamed (ideally, I'm still working on both, lol)

Humans are still humans, and the vast majority of mentally healthy humans want a steady union with one other person.

At the end of the sentence is a good time to pause, take a breathe & realize you're making a bias, unscienctific statement based on... who knows what. That may be your experience but universilizing it & making everyone else bad/wrong/diseased is... well kind of the cause of at least 90% of all human strive/suffering.

There is a noticeable section of the populace which is much more invested in short-term relationships and uninterested in monogamy, at least until their options starts shrinking. The monogamously oriented majority would do well to stay clear of this group.

Gasp, lest we infect them with our non-mating-for-life ways. GASP!

Everything is a continuum of course, and most people are different shades of monogamy-happy. However, very few people are very accepting of a partner which has other sexual (or intimate emotional) partners.

I've only slept with two virigns. I can't speak for all people but I'm appreciate of my partners having had lovers before me, teaching how to give head is somewhat of a bother.

While I don't hold much love for (contemporary) feminism, the vast majority of people whom label themselves feminists are normal, monogamously oriented people

There we go with the normal again.

Cheetah, I don't know you very well or much about your personal life but tell me, deep down, do you really feel it is your natural inclination to want to have sexual intercourse with one, and only one, woman for the rest of your days. Not just when she's 20 & hot but when she's 50, 60, 77 years old? If you are married & this is your commitment, I respect it tremendously but even if you are you really telling me that if your wife deep down said "Honey, go bang some 20 year olds & let me watch, it turns me on" you wouldn't be tempted?

If monogamy were "normal" almost everyone would do it but almost noone does it. How many people age 70 have only slept with 1 other human being? I'd wager less than 10%. Thats what monogamy really means, not just sleeping with someone "special" for a couples years until you're tired of them & then sleeping with someone else & telling yourself the same story. Serial-monogamy is not real monogamy.

with normal level of jealousy and pride. Like the MRMs, the man-haters are mostly insignificant (though when/if reasonable people don't stand up to them at times, they can end up negatively affecting policy for a time). The situation described in the OP is several standard deviations off from normality.

Ugh. So much normal it makes my head spin. Who gets to decide normal? You sound like a republican senator's blogpost being written as he gets a handie from someone of unknown age & gender sitting behind him in a truck-stop restroom.

Actually, that has more to do with the socioeconomic status of the people involved. The quantity and success of marriages for college educated people is still going relatively strong.

Must explain why super-rich celebraty marriages almost always succeed.

On the lower socioeconomic ends however, the situation is really falling apart. I rushed through your link, but I didn't see anything indicating that they adjusted for the socioeconomic factors.

I guess the poor & stupid are too poor & stupid to know they are supposed to stick with the first person they banged for life.

 

[Narz]

At first you're like "yassss!!!"
and then you're like "ooeh noooe"

I'm always like "yassss!!!".

Anyway, its pretty easy to turn off a woman's sex drive if you can't handle it.

A man's not so much... (so many nights I'm like "Goddamnit, she was such a b**** to me today, if she starts rubbing my shoulders I will not turn around... I will not respond, I won't..." and then it happens & twenty minutes later I'm in her like "Goddamnit!", like and at the same time. #firstworldproblems)

 

[onejayhawk]

I knew a guy who was dating three girls at once. Then they met.

J

 

[Commodore]

I read this story the other day with a certain amount of disbelief.
Surely this guy is headed for a divorce some day I thought.

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/07/what-open-marriage-taught-one-man-about-feminism.html



Is this a success story?
Passive Aggressive revenge?
Something new?
Something old?

I don't know what to make of it.

This doesn't sound like an open marriage, it sounds like the husband is a ****old. An open marriage can only work if both partners are free to date other people. My wife and I tried the open marriage thing for a bit until she decided she didn't want to do it anymore. Part of our agreement was that if one of us didn't want to do it anymore, then both of us would have to stop.

 

[BvBPL]

This doesn't sound like an open marriage, it sounds like the husband is a ****old. An open marriage can only work if both partners are free to date other people. My wife and I tried the open marriage thing for a bit until she decided she didn't want to do it anymore. Part of our agreement was that if one of us didn't want to do it anymore, then both of us would have to stop.

Ah, ah, ah, we know someone didn't read the article!

 

[Mise]

Seems to work for that guy. Good for that guy. It wouldn't work for me though.

 

[classical_hero]

So many of the Biblical patriarchs weren't really married?

It caused them many problems and it was a result of them following the culture around them than following God's command.

 

[Borachio]

This whole feminist men-are-bad-and-want-to-control-women angle is very shallow. The real reason men are afraid of their wife sleeping around is the historical source of most men's fears - violence.

Nah! That's not it, imo.

The reason is a lot more simple: if a man's wife is unfaithful to him (and ~20% of children are the result of adulterous relationships, I understand - though don't expect me to quote a source on this) then it's likely he'll be raising someone else's children. Evolutionarily speaking this is a really bad idea for the man: he gets to make all the effort for none of the genetic reward.

On the other hand, the man who can ****old another gets to pass his genetic material on to another generation at minimal cost to himself.

To answer the OP: "open marriages" could, in theory, work, but I've never seen it in practice. I've seen it tried a few times.

If you're looking for a relationship outside your marriage but at the same time remaining married, your best hope of "success" is to be very discrete and trust to luck. Which is to say: cheat and hope you don't get caught. A partner will very often conspire in this, too. As long as they don't officially have to recognize their partner's infidelity they can tolerate it for years.