You didn't miss much. "I didn't want my wife sleeping with other men but then I drank a lot of red wine and now we talk about having sex with other people when we are in bed together and our relationship has never been better!"
He sleeps with others too. To each their own, if it works for him, cool, like others said. Strict fidelity is hard and probably not a good idea for a lot of couples.
Dan Savage, who everyone needs to read once in their lives, makes the observation that you probably know more "monogamish" people than you think you do--because often "consensual infidelity" is kept secret as it still remains sort of a taboo. (Link goes to article about him, not by him, but it's a good summary.) Our perception is skewed by only hearing about the ones that go wrong, i.e. my first comment in this thread!
But the main issue I have with
this author's particular thesis--as opposed to the idea of open relationships in general--is he equates relinquishing control over his wife's sex life as giving up a patriarchal element of his male identity, i.e. possession of the female, and thus this is a progressive "feminist" thing to do. I think it's more about just willing to explore things in order to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner because you love them, rather than adhering to some upright philosophical/political movement.
I mean I see how that is an angle, you could say in the age of birth control it is an antiquated concept to want to make sure you and your partner are only raising
your genetic offspring--so why focus on monogamy other than showing the world you have asserted effective control over your woman. But are you anti-feminist if your wife wants to do it, and for whatever reason you are uncomfortable with the idea? I don't think so. (I mean do only men have this strange compulsion to desire a truly monogamous partner, and every woman secretly yearns to be let off the leash?? I think this goes both ways.) I think the label greatly simplifies all the various motivations in a relationship and over generalizes things to the point of diminishing thinking about relationship dynamics to something too binary.
I.e., if you apply this label and define this relationship choice as feminism, and if you consider feminism something positive to strive for (I do, personally) then there is an objective "right" answer to this question in every relationship: when your wife wants an open relationship, you say "yes." I'm not sure that's true. I would think it's more just a question of respecting your partner and wanting to grow with them--or not. I think if one partner wants to sleep with other people and the other is uncomfortable with the idea, someone in that dynamic needs to give; either the partner who wants to step out needs to respect and understand their partner's wishes, or the partner who is uncomfortable needs to give it a shot and see if their discomfort is a mirage. Ideally, both parties give and take something. Sacrifice, trying new things, expanding your comfort zone, these are all elements of a healthy relationship. I think tying this up in feminism is categorizing the issue in a tiny space, when this is a much broader thing, to me at least.
