Escaping from solitary, or how to make friends as an adult

Bootstoots

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Let's suppose you're in the following situation. You're on your own in a place where you barely know anyone. You graduated from college a while back, and while you still keep in touch with a few of them, all your friends from college and before have scattered to the winds and live far away. You have a job, but you have practically no social life otherwise.

How do you find things to do, meet people, and develop new friendships? Where do you look to maximize the chance that you will find people who have enough in common with you that socializing feels rewarding?

There are some generic answers (e.g. volunteer, join a club, go to bars), but I want to hear some more detail from people who have managed to find new friends and activities in new places. What worked for you and what didn't? How long did it take before you developed enough connections to keep loneliness at bay?
 
I've tried to branch out by joining meetups. It helps a little, but ultimately, it's not very effective because they scatter, or else are busy with school, work, or starting families. I'm seriously considering moving to work in another country before too long because I might as well if my friends aren't in the area anyway.

I'm beginning to think that I lot of people get married just so they can have some human contact.
 
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What hobbies do you have Boots ? Fishing is a great way to spend some time and meet up with other fisherman, as well as great excuse to drink and eat
I also read that you had to declare bankruptcy as you were trying to self medicate your problem I hope that everything works out for you
 
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Let's suppose you're in the following situation. You're on your own in a place where you barely know anyone. You graduated from college a while back, and while you still keep in touch with a few of them, all your friends from college and before have scattered to the winds and live far away. You have a job, but you have practically no social life otherwise.

How do you find things to do, meet people, and develop new friendships? Where do you look to maximize the chance that you will find people who have enough in common with you that socializing feels rewarding?

There are some generic answers (e.g. volunteer, join a club, go to bars), but I want to hear some more detail from people who have managed to find new friends and activities in new places. What worked for you and what didn't? How long did it take before you developed enough connections to keep loneliness at bay?

Let's suppose you mean oh hey my life exactly! I struggled with this for a long time and even taking up new activities like boxing or salsa dancing to both be more active and involved in a community did not lead to lasting connections. One of the biggest obstscles I find with forming male friendships is my lack of interest in following sports, even when I try simply to join in on the wagon because I do understand the appeal. So for awhile I definitely felt that loneliness and absorbed myself in work to hide it, but that's also where I learned to make the most of the relationships I build there and finally have started to form new friendships with a few coworkers based on common interests (and hey drinking is a very common interested)
 
Let's suppose you're in the following situation. You're on your own in a place where you barely know anyone. You graduated from college a while back, and while you still keep in touch with a few of them, all your friends from college and before have scattered to the winds and live far away. You have a job, but you have practically no social life otherwise.

How do you find things to do, meet people, and develop new friendships? Where do you look to maximize the chance that you will find people who have enough in common with you that socializing feels rewarding?

There are some generic answers (e.g. volunteer, join a club, go to bars), but I want to hear some more detail from people who have managed to find new friends and activities in new places. What worked for you and what didn't? How long did it take before you developed enough connections to keep loneliness at bay?
Volunteering and joining clubs do work. I spent 12 years in the Society for Creative Anachronism and discovered that the local branch had people who I had more in common with than just an interest in medieval history. Those are the people with whom I first played D&D, formed a Star Trek club, got into fanzine publishing, a couple of them helped me through my first computer purchase (and showed me how to do stuff - this was in 1990 and not everyone was online then), and who later taught me how to play Civ. I wouldn't be typing this right now if one of them hadn't said, "You should try this new computer game called Civilization."

I learned other things as well... calligraphy, medieval dancing, how to organize events such as feasts (I actually got interested in cooking and baking; that's what brought about my various experiments with chocolate that were unusual but tended to get scarfed down very quickly), and learning more about more facets of medieval life than I'd ever thought to learn (came in handy when the theatre group I was part of did Camelot... and I was the only person on the dressing crew who knew what the different parts of the men's costumes and armor were called and where they were supposed to go, so at least Lancelot never went on stage minus some part of his outfit, as King Arthur did).

Some of the people in that group became very close, almost like family. One of them was a great help to me when my grandmother died.


One of the longest-lasting friendships I've had began with a casual conversation at a science fiction convention in 1985. I saw someone wearing a Tom Baker/Fourth Doctor scarf, complimented her on it (turns out it was an authentic pattern that she'd received as a premium for donating to PBS during a Doctor Who pledge drive marathon and her mother knitted it for her), we started chatting, and next thing my roommates and I were invited to her home to watch videos. Some of that group still get together even though we live in several different cities.

So if you're into SF/F, conventions are a great place to meet like-minded people who are interested in a wide variety of things.
 
There are some generic answers (e.g. volunteer, join a club, go to bars), but I want to hear some more detail from people who have managed to find new friends and activities in new places. What worked for you and what didn't? How long did it take before you developed enough connections to keep loneliness at bay?

There's an old saying. Cliches only become cliches through repetition, they start out as obvious truth.

Volunteer is a cliche. Yes. Done that. Worked, repeatedly. Worked for me as a guy who had recently been released from prison to a city I had never lived in. I had the benefit of some specialized knowledge about swimming pools at a time when the city was in the midst of developing a city pool, and ended up as a volunteer technical consultant. That got me into conversations with a number of city staff people, and when you are listed as "known helpful" by city staff people in fairly short order you know everybody. Worked again when I left there and came back to the city of my birth to take care of my parents...where none of the friends I grew up with ever had any intention of returning and we had not ever kept in touch. Without an appropriate city project I just signed up for a "get to know your city government" program that was organized by the city's volunteer coordinator...guess what her motives were. No coincidence that everyone in the program ended up involved in various volunteer efforts. Pro tip: "volunteer workers" are almost always more interested in standing around chatting than they are in actual working.

Join a club is a cliche. Yes, done that. I was a season ticket holder and member of the booster club for the local hockey team and developed friendships with players. Nothing like a little secondhand fame to open doors. I joined Mensa, which worked out well enough until two of the people who were members when I got involved with the local group broke up and I ended up living with one of them; not in a platonic way. I also had the benefit of working at the local university in the athletic department so was an unofficial member of the booster club there as well. Friend of the library. Sponsor of various high school teams. Long list.

But the most important cliche of all...to have a friend you have to be a friend.

Meeting a lot of people doesn't give you a lot of friends. Being available when those people call you is what makes them your friends. When I was very young in my adulthood; still going to schools in the navy so maybe twenty, tops, a guy in my class went to jail on a Friday night for driving like an idiot. Our class had a football game on Saturday against another class (off book) and when he didn't show I heard about it from a guy that was with him but not in the car for the race. At the time ATMs were a pretty new thing and not a lot of people had them...checkbooks were still standard equipment. ATM withdrawals had limits that were pretty low. It took talking eight people into tapping their cards to put together the five hundred cash to bail him out by Sunday afternoon so he could show up for muster Monday morning. Missing muster because the civilians had locked him up would have punched his ticket directly out of the program we were in.

When they turned him loose the guy about fell over to see that it was me standing there, because he thought of me more as 'just a classmate' than really friends. He emptied his own account on Monday so I could pay everyone back, and eventually did a little community service gig to settle things with the civilian cops. He had to suck some feces from the school administration for it, but since it didn't directly impact his performance he didn't get kicked out. It wasn't my intention, but I'm pretty sure that guy would have taken a bullet for me, and I'm rock solid positive he'd have delivered one.
 
Doing things together where your own and the others mistakes, weaknesses are bound to show up and have to be handled. By accepting them in respect, by overcoming them in your personal struggle and by the other helping.
When that is like a growing together on some aspects of life, like you did as kid with other kids becoming true (school) friends, bonding is natural. As it happens.

That's anyway how it happened with me.
 
But the most important cliche of all...to have a friend you have to be a friend.
Ding Ding Ding Ding

I'm fortunate to live near a lot of guys I went to school with. I would echo what others say. I usually would look for a local games club. You can meet people anywhere, but Tim nailed it.
 
It's extremely hard. Meetup groups and dating sites are your best bet. I found my fiancée and two closest friends via the former. But it'll take a lot of misses and time to get to know people, and if you live in a smaller city, Meetup groups can be sort of hard to come by. I went to a millennials one in Grand Rapids (45 minutes away, which sucked, not many in town here) and by the third event a bunch of them started dropping transphobic and racist jokes and I just bailed, nor were they making any effort to include me anyways. That was a lonely drive back home. Even the one I met my current group at had two meetups and then all the group leaders burnt out on organizing. Since most of us here are nerds, it's also worth looking into something like a local D&D or MtG group or something, we have a local store in town that does free Magic the Gathering, any format, every Tuesday from 5-9pm, and I met a couple people there.

Conventions aren't bad either, like Valka said. Often they'll have forums with threads specifically for meeting up/potential roommates. I also was sitting alone once at Youmacon when a few people just invited me to their table to talk Harry Potter fanfiction. I was depressed and cynical and didn't want that back then, but in reflection it was a super considerate thing they did.

That said, I can count way more lost connections than made ones. I've had multiple people just ghost/disappear on me, whether as friends or partners, and it's just hard as an adult if you don't work at a place conducive to it, which I guess is important too. Most of my high school friends I actually made working at McDonalds, and my fiancée has some friends at work.

If you can find someone you trust, asking them to help you make friends is vital. My two closest in town friends are moving to Seattle in the next couple years, and I've already expressed the desire to go back to doing frequent meetup groups once they go so that I have some more in town contacts once they leave. I'll have full support in doing so and someone to tag along. That helps.

This is also said with a massive "please be responsible" disclaimer but if anxiety is a big reason that makes this hard, try to talk to a doctor if you can afford and have access. I have to take Xanax for first meetups/dates with people and there's no shame in that. If it's what it takes to get a foot in the door, it's worth it.
 
I believe what it is about is finding someone who shares something with you! Now how likely is finding just that?
 
I begin to start thinking that Tim is probably the most interesting person here in RL.


On topic: Struggling a bit with that myself.
At my last place I had lots of people at work to hang out with, and made lots of good friends. I also had lots of acquaintances due to meeting people at Salsa class, and re-meeting people at sports and parties (and friends of friends; easier to meet people when you already know people).
At my current work place, I have very little people to hang out with and no good friends (luckily my old friends are relatively close by), but the bunch of acquaintances as in the former setting I have. Not sure what to do with that now, given that I'll only stay here for another half year. Guess need to accept it :dunno:.
 
I've totally been in your situation you're describing, one time I was successful and my next time I was not.

I have no friends in Michigan, even as I'm friendly with many people here, I just don't know how to become friends with people even as I'm always really nice and helpful. I'm always there for people, but I end up just getting used for favors and such. I've also found most women my age seem to be mothers, at least almost everyone I've met, and they're friends with other mothers from their children's schools and such, and don't seem to be interested in a mid-thirties single woman joining their activities. And I also struggle finding other women who share my interests (science fiction, computer games), it doesn't help I'm very introverted, and I think everyone else who shares my demographic and interests probably stays at home mostly, lol. One of my biggest reasons for coming and joining here is because I was struggling so badly to make friendships.

I was only 22 years old when I moved to Georgia, and I made plenty of friends down there! I made some friends at work, and also at my church, but things just seemed easier for me then, you know? I did a lot of volunteering and I made so many friends that way, especially when I was working at my church doing educational activities. Most of my friends were married, but they didn't have any children yet, so I think that really made a big difference, I was more interesting then and I could relate more to people my age. Sadly I've lost contact with pretty much everyone, and deleting my facebook account really didn't help with that.

I hope you have good look Bootstoots!
 
Most people are met either in the workplace or at some common interest activity. Many of those are free- eg community clubs.
Afaik the gym is a usual place for extroverts to meet new people- but it obviously isnt free.
 
I have a bunch of hobbies (soccer, ultimate, climbing, snowboarding) that pretty naturally lend themselves to making new friends. (Especially when you do them on the cheap - so for the non-team ones I end up with lots of time carpooling, in hostels or shared accommodations, etc.)

I'm joining a new futsal team tonight based on invite from a player I played with on a previous team, so that's a bunch of potential new friends. :)

I don't really make friends with work colleagues. I have at previous jobs, but current one is basically 100% professional.

Being available when those people call you is what makes them your friends.

I dunno if it's a generational difference or what, but I've found people to be extremely reluctant to ever ask for help. One of my best friends recently wrecked herself playing ultimate, and I had to basically wrestle her car keys away to be able to shuttle her car home from the field parking lot while she was at the hospital.

One of my biggest reasons for coming and joining here is because I was struggling so badly to make friendships.

Come make friends on #fiftychat!
 
One of my biggest reasons for coming and joining here is because I was struggling so badly to make friendships.
That's why a lot of people go online. Sometimes it works so well that fellow forum members end up getting married.

I believe what it is about is finding someone who shares something with you! Now how likely is finding just that?
If you want to find friends with common interests, go where they go. In my case, there isn't much of a vibrant science fiction community here in Red Deer. Every single place where it might have been born (ie. gaming shops or specialty book stores) has died for lack of customers. Our Star Trek club in the late '80s/'90s died when a couple of people moved away and some of the others graduated from high school/college.

Other cities have more of a community of SF/F fans and gamers.
 
There are some generic answers (e.g. volunteer, join a club, go to bars),

But that is exactly my answer. Church. Find birds-of-a-feather on Meetup.com. Another obvious-but-right answer is, BE a friend. Make that up-front initial investment, just as so many others have already made that investment on you before. It's similar to dating: you can go to a bar which is conductive to finding a date, but then you have to actually go on the date, and start doing the whole being-a-companion thing.
 
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