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Grand Unified Story Thread

Discussion in 'Fall from Heaven Lore' started by KillerClowns, Jan 22, 2010.

  1. cyther

    cyther Lord of the Dance

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    Wow, I didn't think we would ever see that story. I can still see how it relates to the cave of ancestors scenario.
     
  2. PPQ_Purple

    PPQ_Purple Techpriest Engineer

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    So, just checking from a noob writer standpoint.
    One is completely free to make up what ever one wants as long as it fits with the general FFH story and can post it in this forum. And it will be added here?

    I just want to check since I am working on a nice story for FFH and thought I post it in this forum if thats ok.
    I mean, you don't have to be a team member or something to post stories here right?
     
  3. Valkrionn

    Valkrionn The Hamster King

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    No, you do not need to be a member of the FfH team to have your stories added to the first post. You must be a team member for it to be under the Canonical section, but not the (far larger) Non-Canonical section.
     
  4. PPQ_Purple

    PPQ_Purple Techpriest Engineer

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    Alright... than I think you are going to like what I have almost done...
     
  5. Kael

    Kael Chieftain

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    Post away, we love reading FfH stories. :D
     
  6. PPQ_Purple

    PPQ_Purple Techpriest Engineer

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    Done, I hope people like it.
     
  7. cypher132

    cypher132 Chieftain

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    I'm a master of the non-canon. Seriously, everything in the Mega Stories is so..Against what Erebus really is.
     
  8. PPQ_Purple

    PPQ_Purple Techpriest Engineer

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    Now if only people would give me some input on the quality...
    Guess not.
     
  9. apenpaap

    apenpaap Tsar of all the Internets

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    Amsterdam
    If you don't post a link, I can't read it, and thus can't provide input on the quality.
     
  10. Valkrionn

    Valkrionn The Hamster King

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    Didn't read it, but I did notice that you referred to Acheron as Archeron. :p
     
  11. PPQ_Purple

    PPQ_Purple Techpriest Engineer

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    Yeah... a typo on my end. But I decided to keep it.
    And @apenpaap... my signature...
     
  12. apenpaap

    apenpaap Tsar of all the Internets

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    I see it now. I generally have sigs turned off, so I didn't see it. You may want to post a link anyway for other people who have sigs turned off.
     
  13. Unirid

    Unirid Chieftain

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2009
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    Okay here’s the first little bit of what I hope will be a long running series. If anyone could be as generous as to provide some constructive criticism via a private message that would be great.

    Adventure begins
    Spoiler :

    ‘After the teleportation spell mishap I found my self in the middle of Jubilee. You would think I would be frightened, however I can assure you I have done far more dangerous things during my time as an adept. My time as an adept also told me that I shouldn’t return to Cevedes. So instead of returning home I decided to tour the city.

    ‘When you imagine a Balseraph carnival you think of a ridiculously over budget city wide celebration that has absolute no point. I can confirm that this is in fact an extremely accurate description. Every inch of the town has music playing, the smell of roasted pork is infused within the air, and multicoloured tents littered the streets, each holding its own individual wonder.

    ‘It is important not to underestimate the dangers of these celebrations. I got into several dangers whilst in Jubilee. Thankfully I was lucky not too get killed during these mishaps. However when I woke up nude in the gutter with a mark on my rear that smelt of bananas, I decided it was time to get a bodyguard.’

    - Extract from 'Travels of an Amurite mage', Vol.I,
    by Baron Evans (Torolerial Press)

    Baron walked past the tents and stalls of Jubilee’s never ending carnival. He’d been in the town for about a week and still wasn’t bored of the endless amounts of amusements and food he found at every corner. Today instead of aimless wandering Baron knew precisely where he was going.

    Brushing of the dirt on his new robes he made his way past the ridiculously dressed Balseraph citizens. He stopped by one of the stalls quickly to buy a small packet of roasted nuts and continued into the market square filled with stalls and entertainers of all kinds. Twisting through the tight spaces between the stalls, Baron made his way across the market square and into the alleyways.

    The alleyways were just as festive as the rest of the city. The music could still be heard and the smell of roasted pork, nuts and foodstuffs still had a strong presence in the air. However the festive colours became darker, slowly prostitutes filled the corners and occasionally the smell of hot flesh could be smelt alongside a scream of pain and pleasure. Baron quickly got out of the alleyways by forcing his skinny body through a hole in a wall. He brushed his brown hair and made his way down to his destination.

    When Baron got there he was shocked how large the crowds where. People littered the district, all of them crowding around stands where merchants showed off their latest ware, slaves.

    Baron joined one smaller crowd surrounding a stand that had four young elven women huddled together in sheer fright as an extremely large and repulsive man brought them. As they where forced of the stage the slaver shouted.

    “Now people I have a treat for you today! All the way from the Aquill Tundra we have one of a wildmen of the Doviello!”

    Pulling him on using rope tied around his wrists, two men led the wildman onto the stage. He was huge, muscular and heavily scared. His captors didn’t give him the privilege of clothes, his naked body was put on display for the audience to see. The wildman stared at the potential buyers with a hateful glare. The people stared at his almost grey complexion and hair with fright.

    “Right people! I am offering you one of the fearsome warriors of the Doviello, perfectly suitable for the arena don’t you think?” the slaver said whilst tapping the man on the shoulder.

    Suddenly the wildman forced the merchant into a headlock despite his hands being bound. The slaver squealed with fear as wildman forced him to his knees, at which point he snapped his neck in front of the audience. Some people ran away, whilst others looked on with fear. A smaller skinner person next to the stage then shouted out.

    “Could someone just please take this monster of our hands?!”

    The crowd stayed silent, not wanting to infuriate the wildman further. They stared as the wildman kicked the corpse of the slaver he killed off the stage and in front of them. At which point Baron shouted out, “I’ll take him.”
     
  14. Kael

    Kael Chieftain

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    For some reason we (as I do this too) tend to add a lot of redundancy into our writing. It makes it painful to read and a writer should scour his work looking for needless words. Allow me to demonstrate, redundant words in Red.

    Some of the ones I marked above are just opinions, sometimes redundancy is good for emphasis and cutting to bare bones can rob the story of its flavor. But I believe most of these improve the story by removing them, and a few may be personal preference.

    As a story its okay. It sets a tone but doesn't have many interesting specifics. You tell us he is going into the bad part of Jubilee, but its a fairly standard description. Something more visual and unusual may set the scene better. You want the reader to know that is is heading toward something seedy and dangerous, but your missing an opportunity to give them a glimpse at the Balseraph capital. I can't imagine that things as beign as simple prostitutes exist in their back alleys.

    The same with the Doviello, he's a stereotype so far. We need some unique and interesting things about both of these characters to connect with them. If you really want the Doviello to be a wildman have him rip out the slavers throat with his teeth. Have his back tattered with rip marks, some deep enough that raw bones poke through. For the main character it may be good to give some hints to his personality. Is he eyeing the full purses of the others in the crowd, is he coughing blood into a handkerchief, is he clutching his purse to him in fear, is he worried that some of the slavers blood may have sprayed onto his fancy boots?

    Just things to consider.

    Keep writing! :goodjob:
     
  15. Unirid

    Unirid Chieftain

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    You know when I asked for criticism I never thought you off all people would actually take the time to do so :eek:. Thank you for the advice, I’ll keep all of that in mind in future writing.
     
  16. cypher132

    cypher132 Chieftain

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    Good story. I'll have to read it again, but from my first read it's pretty good.
     
  17. PPQ_Purple

    PPQ_Purple Techpriest Engineer

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  18. Kael

    Kael Chieftain

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    Glad to help, I hope it was constructive, I didnt mean to be critical.
     
  19. Skitters

    Skitters Chieftain

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    Birmingham, UK
    The Grand Hall

    - with a happy ending?

    Spoiler :
    Eldric de Garosse looked up at his work. A tear rolled down his cheek, not just because nearly eight cycles had passed as he had laboured towards completing the painting of the Grand Hall’s ceiling, but because - as he looked now - the realisation of the beauty he had created finally dawned on him.

    Fully a half day passed as he sat and observed the fine lines. Shapes appeared to move and take on a life of their own, he found his emotions pulled between unbridled joy and deep sorrow as he observed each frame. Each frame was a masterpiece in itself, but each of the 441 frames was but part of a bigger picture that was almost overwhelming in its entirety.

    It had been nearly nine cycles ago that he had first accepted this task. Though accepted would imply there had been an option. The Balseraph’s had sacked a couple of villages, and whilst not holding them prisoner directly, had firmly established a small garrison near his family home.

    He had fully expected to be put to the sword, but Perpentach himself had requested the finest Artist on Erebus to decorate the Grand Hall. It had been with some justification that De Garosse had been lauded as such...but Perpentach had been one sponsor he had not wanted to court. Perhaps if he’d been a little more modest...but no... word would have spread of his talent no matter.

    But despite the legendry fickleness of Perpentach, twice a cycle the madman had made each and every one of the scheduled progress reports. On each visit he had talked candidly – or at least a candidly as one can in rhyme – with De Garosse. Each visit had seen Perpentach reinvigorated by the work, and even saw De Garosse granted time with his family as well as being rewarded well enough that there would be no need to seek future sponsors or indeed sell his best pieces.

    That wasn’t to say that each meeting had not filled De Garosse with dread, but as he looked up now, De Garosse knew that this was truly a wonder that would hold all in awe, and felt a sense of joy that he had been key to its creation.

    Steadily he rose to his feet, and sought out Falgru, the court administrator who had been assigned to attend to De Garosse’s requirements.

    “'tis done”

    Falgru eyes widened. He followed De Garosse back to the hall. As he took three paces in he suddenly lost all motion with the exception of tears as they streamed from his eyes, until finally he uttered

    “...how is such beauty possible?... I am filled with......wonderment...but alas I am in juxtaposition as I know now a great sadness that I shall never cast virginal eyes on such a joyous scene again!" Finally he managed "...I should gather the Grand Muse”

    Falgru slowly broke his gaze away from the ceiling, and fought the urge to look up again before he escaped the room. After stepping outside, and drawing a deep breath, he scurried off.

    De Garosse looked up once more, and became steadily overcome with sorrow.
    Bitterly he cried up to the ceiling “Eight cycles you have taken from my life. Barely have I seen my wife and children, and each day I have wondered if this was to be my last on Erebus. The ghosts of two towns haunt me as I hid whilst they searched me out....and yet I know now that you are my life. You are my purpose. I was nothing and now I am. But all the torment I believed I endured, I know now will be as nothing to not being able to cast my eyes upwards at my....my soul...again!”

    De Garosse whimpered as he realised that his body was now little more than a shell.

    Perpentach entered the room, and cast his eyes to the ceiling.

    “Master Artisan,
    Your servitude is complete
    In awe I truly am
    Of this wondrous feat
    A choice you now must make.
    Return to your family you may
    Or accept my reward
    And in death you may stay”


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Falgru shook his head as he recalled Perpentach comment nearly ten cycles ago
    “This Grand Hall is tardy,
    I find it lacks....feeling.
    Bring me the finest Artist,
    To help decorate the ceiling.”

    As De Garosse climbed into the catapult, his eyes wept tears of joy, his body would rejoin his soul soon enough
     
  20. Jabie

    Jabie Wanted in Monte Carlo...

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    It's been a while since I wrote a narrative rather than a vignette. I lost the Internet back in January and my computer died shortly after, but I'm finally got back up and running. The story came out far, far longer than I had expected, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.
     

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