Hammer of the North v2 PBEM
- Thread starter Morten Blaabjerg
- Start date
*yawns* riots riots riots..
Gary J. Durham
Warlord
It is readily being said on virtually all tongues... therefore believed to be true, that King Otto flew into such a terrifying rage at Court when told the comments coming out of Paris, that all Nobles but the High Chancellor fled... and even the Chancellor himself blanched white. Otto, screaming a primordial rage of hate and destruction, was over-heard bellowing "And to think I had considered betrothing my fair daughter Egor to that dim witted, lack wit boy child of France!" That eater of snails, and lover of other little boys!" Upon being told that his fellow King in Christ, the Lord of the 'English', had obviously approved this French aggression, and supported this war with financial and war materials assistance, King Otto reportedly exploded, suffering from one of his apoplectic seizures which he had not had in twenty years, since young adulthood.
The next morning, after a night of rest, Otto called for his armor, yelling hurried instructions to all his Nobles, screaming instructions to his scribes! "Take note to the King of England, and let it be known that I accept his bastardly, back handed and cowardly declaration of war, just as I accept that he is the bastard child of his pig of a father and a lower east side whore!" "Take note to every hamlet and town of Saxony! Obviously these alleged christian kings are commiters of blasphemy and buggery! The proof is 'in the pudding'... so to speak! Science can prove it! Look at any scientific map! Readily obvious is that the english king is on top of little charles!"
"To war! To war!! Blood vendetta against these bastardly buggerers of young boy bung holes, to war!"
Raising a mighty legion, King Otto had rushed off at the head of his troops when word caught up with him that rumors were abounding of a tribe of Giants crashing about in the mountains to the south.
"Giants!? Giants!? By the Lord God above, there is nothing tastier on a fine, pristine morning after my daily communion with God! I like nothing so much as the testicles of Giants lightly sauteed in garlic and butter! Leige, and that boy-child pederast can wait! Giant nuts! Lets go!"
Sweeping his mighty forces south from Leige, good king Otto was annoyed at the sudden apparition of a huge host of Frankish MEN AT ARMS, fortifying within the hills outside Leige. Annoyed at being even potentially delayed from the slaying of this mythical alleged beast called 'Giant'... which King Otto plans to do in single combat with his trusted Mace... the High Lord of Saxony casually, and with the most contemptuous 'flick of his wrist'... over ran these few thousand pitiful Franks, killing them all, except those who threw down their weapons and ran, screaming like women childs, pleading for "Merci, Merci!" without a single casualty in return. Stopping, after the killing of all these sheep-dung sons of foul slime... the King stood in thought. "Let not the people of Leige believe that we shall leave them alone! That I shall return after killing this so called 'Giant'!"
And with that, every convict within a 100 leagues was rousted out of goals and dungeons. With the bodies of all these dead Frankish soldiers... Frances finest, no doubt... women, obviously, as they knew not how to fight... the bodies were transported to within sight of the city walls, at which point the bodies were ordered 'buggered' by the captured Franks who... yuck... 'fell to with a passion'!
As afternoon approached, all bodies were anally impaled upon 15 foot wooden 'stakes', and left rotting in the sunshine, as the weight of their bodies slowly allowed the stakes to work their way through, in various gruesome and unbelievable regions. Trumpets blaring, the Earl of the Eastern Way read to the people within the walls of Leige their fate: total destruction, total death! This city has been ordained by God to be not captured, nor conquered. Rather, it is to be dismantled, destroyed stone by stone. The entrails of every man, woman and infant are to mixed with the entrails of every other creature of the city: rats, cats, dogs, swine, horse, pig, sheep. Defecation and rot piled atop, the city shall be utterly RAZED to the ground, as a sincere 'Thank you note' to his royal limp-wrist, charles, boy of France!!!!!!
Otto, that bastion of supreme 'super-Alpha' male was last seen screaming off into the sunset, headed due south, chortling something about hoping there really is something to these 'myths' called Giants.
Oh, yeah. King Otto also claims actual 'first blood' against charles, noting that only a 'c*nt' of a 'p*ssy' would hide behind coins of Judas, and reminding England to 'take note' of what's about to unfold upon her child lover!
((Yeah! Beat THAT, Morten!! Up yours!!))~~~~
The next morning, after a night of rest, Otto called for his armor, yelling hurried instructions to all his Nobles, screaming instructions to his scribes! "Take note to the King of England, and let it be known that I accept his bastardly, back handed and cowardly declaration of war, just as I accept that he is the bastard child of his pig of a father and a lower east side whore!" "Take note to every hamlet and town of Saxony! Obviously these alleged christian kings are commiters of blasphemy and buggery! The proof is 'in the pudding'... so to speak! Science can prove it! Look at any scientific map! Readily obvious is that the english king is on top of little charles!"
"To war! To war!! Blood vendetta against these bastardly buggerers of young boy bung holes, to war!"
Raising a mighty legion, King Otto had rushed off at the head of his troops when word caught up with him that rumors were abounding of a tribe of Giants crashing about in the mountains to the south.
"Giants!? Giants!? By the Lord God above, there is nothing tastier on a fine, pristine morning after my daily communion with God! I like nothing so much as the testicles of Giants lightly sauteed in garlic and butter! Leige, and that boy-child pederast can wait! Giant nuts! Lets go!"
Sweeping his mighty forces south from Leige, good king Otto was annoyed at the sudden apparition of a huge host of Frankish MEN AT ARMS, fortifying within the hills outside Leige. Annoyed at being even potentially delayed from the slaying of this mythical alleged beast called 'Giant'... which King Otto plans to do in single combat with his trusted Mace... the High Lord of Saxony casually, and with the most contemptuous 'flick of his wrist'... over ran these few thousand pitiful Franks, killing them all, except those who threw down their weapons and ran, screaming like women childs, pleading for "Merci, Merci!" without a single casualty in return. Stopping, after the killing of all these sheep-dung sons of foul slime... the King stood in thought. "Let not the people of Leige believe that we shall leave them alone! That I shall return after killing this so called 'Giant'!"
And with that, every convict within a 100 leagues was rousted out of goals and dungeons. With the bodies of all these dead Frankish soldiers... Frances finest, no doubt... women, obviously, as they knew not how to fight... the bodies were transported to within sight of the city walls, at which point the bodies were ordered 'buggered' by the captured Franks who... yuck... 'fell to with a passion'!
As afternoon approached, all bodies were anally impaled upon 15 foot wooden 'stakes', and left rotting in the sunshine, as the weight of their bodies slowly allowed the stakes to work their way through, in various gruesome and unbelievable regions. Trumpets blaring, the Earl of the Eastern Way read to the people within the walls of Leige their fate: total destruction, total death! This city has been ordained by God to be not captured, nor conquered. Rather, it is to be dismantled, destroyed stone by stone. The entrails of every man, woman and infant are to mixed with the entrails of every other creature of the city: rats, cats, dogs, swine, horse, pig, sheep. Defecation and rot piled atop, the city shall be utterly RAZED to the ground, as a sincere 'Thank you note' to his royal limp-wrist, charles, boy of France!!!!!!
Otto, that bastion of supreme 'super-Alpha' male was last seen screaming off into the sunset, headed due south, chortling something about hoping there really is something to these 'myths' called Giants.
Oh, yeah. King Otto also claims actual 'first blood' against charles, noting that only a 'c*nt' of a 'p*ssy' would hide behind coins of Judas, and reminding England to 'take note' of what's about to unfold upon her child lover!
((Yeah! Beat THAT, Morten!! Up yours!!))~~~~
Patient English
Designer
Bit of an anal obsession you have there, old chap. I should start taking the dried frog pills again, if I were you....
What is this "declaration of war" that England is supposed to have made against the Saxons? News to me. Maybe just another one of Otto's deranged imaginings.
If you want war, you are most welcome to it, however. Have you declared war on England?
[Congrats on the colourful - if slightly confusing - post.
] I'll play in a few hours....
What is this "declaration of war" that England is supposed to have made against the Saxons? News to me. Maybe just another one of Otto's deranged imaginings.
If you want war, you are most welcome to it, however. Have you declared war on England?
[Congrats on the colourful - if slightly confusing - post.
] I'll play in a few hours....
Patient English
Designer
In game, the Germans were still at peace with England, and had cordial relations, although you do seem to be at war with my Frankish allies.
Therefore, we are at war too. I have declared war in-game, but I don't know I can do much about that yet, though...
Morten, could you send me your map, please? The AI won't trade for it....
No combats.
Therefore, we are at war too. I have declared war in-game, but I don't know I can do much about that yet, though...
Morten, could you send me your map, please? The AI won't trade for it....
No combats.
Whoa Gary. It's one thing to be in 'character' for a PBEM game, but that seems a bit much...
Patient English
Designer
Maybe Gary had taken a wee drinkie or seven? At 2 in the morning it had probably been building up for a while...
At 2 in the morning it had probably been building up for a while...
Morten Blaabjerg
Settler
Hilarious!
I think he just got 'into' the game a bit much. Which is good to a certain degree, but, as a Moderator, those last couple lines are cause for a little concern. Otherwise I thought it was very passionate and befitting for such a drastic shift of the game.
Gary J. Durham
Warlord
(((Just wanting to 'spice' things up a bit. Besides, the scenario had started to get rather boring for awhile, now! Besides, any of you guys ever read some of the gestures and crude vulgarities these dorks back then would use on each other? Oh, yeah, I'd given Morten a heads up on the Otto role playing...)))
Would you guys rather it a bit more 'Lame and tame'?
@P.E: I kind of find that it would be rather 'weird' of me, were I to apologize for not having the 'psycho' thing 'perfected' ... kind of like apologizing for not BEING 'psycho', you know?
Oh, well, I'll go back to the same, 'lame' dry chatter that you guys typically use. Just thought it'd get some laughs from you guys... kind of break the ice, add some humor... whatever. Guess that some of you 'didn't quite get it'... sorry about that.
Bye, Otto, it was fun while it lasted!
GARY <sigh>
***OFFICIAL RE-WRITTEN TURN (in its totality):
Frank troops outside Leige killed (*yawn*). ~Gary
(this is the edit)
@P.E.~~~ Thanks! I really liked the "Dried Frog Pills"! Glad to know that you 'got it'!
Would you guys rather it a bit more 'Lame and tame'?
@P.E: I kind of find that it would be rather 'weird' of me, were I to apologize for not having the 'psycho' thing 'perfected'
... kind of like apologizing for not BEING 'psycho', you know?Oh, well, I'll go back to the same, 'lame' dry chatter that you guys typically use. Just thought it'd get some laughs from you guys... kind of break the ice, add some humor... whatever. Guess that some of you 'didn't quite get it'... sorry about that.
Bye, Otto, it was fun while it lasted!
GARY <sigh>
***OFFICIAL RE-WRITTEN TURN (in its totality):
Frank troops outside Leige killed (*yawn*). ~Gary
(this is the edit)
@P.E.~~~ Thanks! I really liked the "Dried Frog Pills"! Glad to know that you 'got it'!
Gary J. Durham
Warlord
Let me say again, more distinctly... for those (or anyone) who 'DIDN'T GET IT'... I actually, honestly, SERIOUSLY-TO-GOD...
apologize!
I thought EVERYONE would understand! (To 'nuts' not to understand, 'ya know?)
@ DUKE: I NEVER even use the 'C' word in actual life. I think this is what you meant by my last comments? Certainly why I made most DEFINATE sure that there were **'s inserted. Sorry about giving you any alarm, and I'd never write anything crude like that on this, or any other web site.
Again, sorry, guys! No offense intended!
apologize!
I thought EVERYONE would understand! (To 'nuts' not to understand, 'ya know?)
@ DUKE: I NEVER even use the 'C' word in actual life. I think this is what you meant by my last comments? Certainly why I made most DEFINATE sure that there were **'s inserted. Sorry about giving you any alarm, and I'd never write anything crude like that on this, or any other web site.
Again, sorry, guys! No offense intended!
I don't think there's really anything to apologize for.
I think everyone 'got it'.
Forum wise, language such as that, censored or not, it frowned upon. However, since these are PBEM games where people try to get into charatcer many times I allow more leeway.
I think everyone 'got it'.
Forum wise, language such as that, censored or not, it frowned upon. However, since these are PBEM games where people try to get into charatcer many times I allow more leeway.
Morten Blaabjerg
Settler
Frankish-German war
Liège forces respond heroically to the warcrimes committed by the Saxon besiegers of the city. Frankish Archers destroys 1 Saxon men-at-arms and 1 additional unit outside the city. This is considered merely a defensive measure, as these forces constituted a direct threat against the safety of Liège.
Charles himself, appalled at the Christless atrocities performed by the Saxon king, responded to king Otto's insults by leading an army by himself across the Ardennes mountain pass, taking residence in the Frankish castle of Worms, effectively besieging the city of Worms, and within range of other central Saxon possessions.
The Franks are willing to retreat these forces and accept a peace treaty on the following terms :
1) Saxon authorities guarantee the safety of Frankish missionaries passing through Saxon territories
2) Otto agrees to take his medicine
3) The city of Trier remains under the protection of the Frankish crown, as requested by the nobles of Trier
In return, king Charles offers to share any new technologies found in the East, for the good of the Saxon people, if Saxon technologies are likewise shared with the Franks.
As a sign of Frankish good will and Christian faith, our Frankish Giants have been ordered not to attack Saxon settlements or monks, and have taken camp this year, in the hills south of Basel.
Liège forces respond heroically to the warcrimes committed by the Saxon besiegers of the city. Frankish Archers destroys 1 Saxon men-at-arms and 1 additional unit outside the city. This is considered merely a defensive measure, as these forces constituted a direct threat against the safety of Liège.
Charles himself, appalled at the Christless atrocities performed by the Saxon king, responded to king Otto's insults by leading an army by himself across the Ardennes mountain pass, taking residence in the Frankish castle of Worms, effectively besieging the city of Worms, and within range of other central Saxon possessions.
The Franks are willing to retreat these forces and accept a peace treaty on the following terms :
1) Saxon authorities guarantee the safety of Frankish missionaries passing through Saxon territories
2) Otto agrees to take his medicine
3) The city of Trier remains under the protection of the Frankish crown, as requested by the nobles of Trier
In return, king Charles offers to share any new technologies found in the East, for the good of the Saxon people, if Saxon technologies are likewise shared with the Franks.
As a sign of Frankish good will and Christian faith, our Frankish Giants have been ordered not to attack Saxon settlements or monks, and have taken camp this year, in the hills south of Basel.
The Scots are troubled to hear of war between the Franks and Germans and make themselves available to act as mediators try to support a peaceful resolution to the situation.
Gary J. Durham
Warlord
(Ugh! I have always hated the taste of Eyes of Newts, mixed with powdered Toad's Warts. However, it's all 'WE' know of that helps keep... 'HIM'... at bay. And the BOTH of 'me' don't like it when 'he' comes out to play
That's not going to happen. You 'sneak' attack. You bribe a city of mine. You 'steal' a seige tower of mine. You 'steal' a tech from me... and now want to call it 'quits'?
Yeah, I can see where you WOULD like to call it 'fair' and 'quits'!!
However, that's not going to happen. Not sure what you have in the region (nor care), but I know what I have (I am not joking/bluffing), and it is SERIOUSLY going to get incredibly bloody very soon (especially after the destruction of your fortified seige tower in Leige, which shall not prevent it's being taking)! We are about to have a greater, larger, more devastating war than all the first turns of Norse, Danes, Scots, Anglo's and Franks losses combined.
(Otto also sends emmissaries reminding any bloodthirsty 'others' in need of gold, of the previously mention 'Bounties' paid for Frank heads. I'm sure there may be 'mercenary' units that may be 'uncontrollable' by their leige lords... ?)
There's no way you take one of my cities, and offer to 'keep it'... steal one of my techs, and brazenly gift it to England this turn... and also 'steal' some of my seige equipment... and then offer to call it 'quits' and 'fair'.
(Talk about Giant balls!
Well, I can't blame you for trying, but your offer is obviously a 'jest'. Good role playing, but the devastation and destruction is about to commense in earnest. Who cares 'whose' devastation? (remember, Otto is unbalanced in this scenario)
Oh, yeah, your king will enjoy the taking of my city... which... IF he can... what with it's famed Cathedrals... well, I'd obviously TRY, but not sure I could (or should) hold back Holy Mother Church, nor her Bishops, from doing whatever they are VETERANS at doing. My emmissaries, or course, answer to me, but Mother Church answers to God... Hmm, what's the going rate for a captured King? (now THIS... may or may not be a bluff... although I'm sure we both know how to 'capture' a king... but the before mentioned above is certainly true
Blood sport, old boy! Come try to rock my world, unless you have a FAR more serious offer to make, and stop with the ludicrous jests!
Otto, Viceroy of Christ!
That's not going to happen. You 'sneak' attack. You bribe a city of mine. You 'steal' a seige tower of mine. You 'steal' a tech from me... and now want to call it 'quits'?
Yeah, I can see where you WOULD like to call it 'fair' and 'quits'!!
However, that's not going to happen. Not sure what you have in the region (nor care), but I know what I have (I am not joking/bluffing), and it is SERIOUSLY going to get incredibly bloody very soon (especially after the destruction of your fortified seige tower in Leige, which shall not prevent it's being taking)! We are about to have a greater, larger, more devastating war than all the first turns of Norse, Danes, Scots, Anglo's and Franks losses combined.
(Otto also sends emmissaries reminding any bloodthirsty 'others' in need of gold, of the previously mention 'Bounties' paid for Frank heads. I'm sure there may be 'mercenary' units that may be 'uncontrollable' by their leige lords... ?)
There's no way you take one of my cities, and offer to 'keep it'... steal one of my techs, and brazenly gift it to England this turn... and also 'steal' some of my seige equipment... and then offer to call it 'quits' and 'fair'.
(Talk about Giant balls!
Well, I can't blame you for trying, but your offer is obviously a 'jest'. Good role playing, but the devastation and destruction is about to commense in earnest. Who cares 'whose' devastation? (remember, Otto is unbalanced in this scenario)
Oh, yeah, your king will enjoy the taking of my city... which... IF he can... what with it's famed Cathedrals... well, I'd obviously TRY, but not sure I could (or should) hold back Holy Mother Church, nor her Bishops, from doing whatever they are VETERANS at doing. My emmissaries, or course, answer to me, but Mother Church answers to God... Hmm, what's the going rate for a captured King? (now THIS... may or may not be a bluff... although I'm sure we both know how to 'capture' a king... but the before mentioned above is certainly true
Blood sport, old boy! Come try to rock my world, unless you have a FAR more serious offer to make, and stop with the ludicrous jests!
Otto, Viceroy of Christ!
Danes
King Sven has had enough of revolts in his country. Great reforms will occur.
Also, we demand that the Anglo-Saxons withdraws their Drakkar on (86,71) from Danish water immideatly. We don't want armed ships in our waters, especially know when there are conflicts in Europe. We won't tolerate armed ships near our cities.
King Sven has had enough of revolts in his country. Great reforms will occur.
Also, we demand that the Anglo-Saxons withdraws their Drakkar on (86,71) from Danish water immideatly. We don't want armed ships in our waters, especially know when there are conflicts in Europe. We won't tolerate armed ships near our cities.
Gary J. Durham
Warlord
With massive German military trains from all over the Kingdom now headed westward towards the 'Frank escalated' war against the Franks... Otto is pleased to discover the whereabouts of these alleged mythical beings referred to as 'Giants'. Frankish Giants, now observed for two turns in a 'holding' or, 'defense' pattern... and having refused to destroy (easily) German... (missionaries? engineers? I forget, Morten) have made no aggressive move towards the terrified citizens of 'whatever' that cities name is as they (citizens) await Otto's arrival...
Knowing himself to be... and kicking himself for being, a 'naive idiot'... Otto pauses with his manuevers, and glances westward towards the land of the Franks with an raised eyebrow...???????????????????
Knowing himself to be... and kicking himself for being, a 'naive idiot'... Otto pauses with his manuevers, and glances westward towards the land of the Franks with an raised eyebrow...???????????????????
Patient English
Designer
Arthedain. We will withdraw our ship. It is just peacefully exploring.....If you were to send us your map, we could avoid this entirely. We would be happy to send you our map in return....
Patient English
Designer
By the way, I am away from home at the moment, and will not be able to play my turn until Wednesday. Sorry for not giving you all more warning...
Similar threads
