Kafka2
Whale-raping abomination
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2001
- Messages
- 1,204
The first "Historical Filth" article I ever wrote was called "The 10 worst Popes in history"- it even pre-dated the "Filth" title itself. It was a piece I was never really happy with, as I'd not yet settled on the more comfortable narrative style. It read as a shrill denunciation rather than an enthusiastic wallowing in human failings. I always promised myself I'd re-write it one day.
That day has now come, though the great thing about the history of the Papacy is that finding grossing perversions among the Popes is like finding interesting discharges produced by the less expensive street hookers in Bangkok. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Of the ten Popes below, only one featured in my original article and there's still loads more great stories left unrevealed. The Roman Catholic church is the gift that just keps on giving, as far as I'm concerned. I invite you to sit back and spend a few minutes wading crotch-deep through the slurry of human endeavor with me. You're in good company with these God-botherers, I can assure you.
The Pimp Pope
Sixtus IV (1471- 1484)
Popes throughout the ages have always faced a pressing problem. namely "how the hell can I get the cash to pay for my lavish lifestyle and huge retinue of totty?". For a considerably large part of the history of Catholicism, the solution proved to be in prostitution and no Pope took it quite so far as Sixtus IV.
To fund his lifestyle and war against the Turks, Sixtus started building a huge brothel for both sexes in Rome. He also imposed annual taxation of Rome's prostitutes, and if there was one thing Rome was not lacking, it was prostitutes. Your average pilgrim was probably a bit backed up around the bollocks by the time he reached Rome, and the chance of a few quick fumbles followed by absolution was a combination few could resist. Rome was stuffed with whores of all types, so this was a big earner for Sixtus.
Sixtus was bisexual and incestuous- he had relationships with his nephews. He was also impressively liberal, and approved petitions permitting certain noble families to commit sodomy during the hot months of the year. He also built the Sistine Chapel, which gives him quite a groovy track record, though he totally blew it away by appointing Torquemada and starting the worst excesses of the Inquisition. The git.
The Pornographer Pope
Pius II (1458- 1464)
Amongst the company of this article, Pius II looks almost saintly, though he remains one of my favourites. Born in poverty, young Enea Piccolomini took jobs as secretary to a number of Cardinals, leading to employment as a roving ambassador. His memoirs reveal a lively time spent wooing young ladies in his spare moments- but it's a rather charming and romantic randiness rather than the rampant fornications of the average Pope.
He came to the attention of Pope Nicholas V due to his writing ability (at another time he was poet laureate to King Frederick III of Germany)- namely his noted skill at churning out pornographic stories. Nicholas V employed Enea as his secretary, with the duty of producing the Papal porn. With a blend of charm, flattery and self-promotion he rose effortlessly through the ranks to become Pope. I take this tale as proof that the next Pope will be Hugh Hefner.
The Paedophile Pope
Leo X (1513- 1521)
There have been quite a few gay Popes, but they usually kept this aspect of their lives under a degree of discretion. Not Giuliano de'Medici who was probably the most "out" Pope ever. Becoming a Cardinal at 13 (the youngest ever), Leo X went on to be elected Pope. At his election he had to be carried into the Conclave on a stretcher because his sodomy-related anal ulcers were too painful for him to walk or sit. One of his first acts was to make his lover a Cardinal.
This is all pretty blameless stuff, of course. However Leo did like boys who were disturbingly young, even by the standards of the time. One of his favourite party tricks at banquets was to serve up huge pies from which naked boys would emerge and be served up (culinary side-note: regrettably, the records do not reveal what sort of pie was considered suitable to contain rent boys. Being a British prole at heart, I'm hoping it was a pork pie, though the image of jailbait covered in pork jelly is one likely to give me nightmares, I can assure you).
It's also recorded that as nobody could be bothered to wash up after these banquets the (silver) plates and cutlery would simply be thrown in the river. Seeing as the typical main course was a nice plate of parrot's tongues, one can only gawp at the size of the catering bills they must have run up. It left the papal treasury bankrupt.
If all this wasn't impressive enough, Leo was also an atheist. He was a major factor in the works of Martin Luther and the rise of Protestantism, which should surprise nobody.
The Pre-pubescent Pope
Benedict IX (1032- 44, 1045, 1047- 48)
Yes, you're reading those dates correctly. Benedict was Pope three times- a record likely to remain unchallenged for the foreseeable future. At the time, Rome was controlled by the monstrous Tuscolani family- so it probably surprised nobody when Pope XIX died in suspicious circumstances and was replaced by the 12 year old Benedict IX.
There is a theory that the more spoiled and unrestrained a child is, the more depraved they will be as an adult. I suspect that the textbook definition of this theory reads "see Benedict IX" because he racked up one hell of a track record. Among his hobbies were bisexuality, bestiality, witchcraft and Satanism. In fact, if Marilyn Manson lived up to his own publicity and was elected the next Pope he'd still fall some distance short of Benedict. Dante, who was not squeamish about consigning Popes to his inferno, considered him to be the lowest ebb of the papacy.
Eventually he became so unpopular that he spent the last years of his reign in fear of his life, hence the three reigns. His second interregnum occurred because he sold the papacy to his godfather- a feat still unequalled in Papal history. The fact that he died of natural causes years after his final deposition surprises just about everyone seeing as he was possibly the most unpopular man in the entire world.
The Pint-sized Poisoner Pope
Gregory VII (1073- 1085)
Let me start by listing the positive points about Gregory VII.
Sorry. There aren't any. He was genuinely horrible. A bitter little midget, he ascended to the papacy through the simple and very effective method of poisoning absolutely everyone with a better shot at the title. These victims included six Bishops. When poisoning alone wasn't enough, he used his school of highly skilled forgers to come up with the necessary "ancient" documents to promote his cause.
If you want to know who to blame for the Catholic church's problems with its priest's sexual proclivities, Gregory is a better target than most. At his first Council in 1074 he deposed all married priests and attempted to impose celibacy (naturally, this did not prevent him fiddling with Countess Mathilda, whose husband gregory had murdered). Thousands of priest's wives were left abandoned and destitute- many committing suicide as a result.
Gregory's drive toward a celibate priesthood met with stiff resistance, even to the point of him being excommunicated by a group of Bishops. Eventually Gregory became so unpopular with the people of Rome that he was forced to flee for his life, supposedly dying of shame shortly after.
The Pike-wielding Pope
Clement VII (1378- 1394)
Antipope Clement VII was born Robert of Geneva, and was probably the hardest Pope ever. While most Popes were soft and pampered big girl's blouses, Robert was a former front-line soldier who was famed for his ability to decapitate a man with one blow of a pike. If you've ever seen the size of a pike you'll understand what a bruiser he must have been.
He earned one hell of a reputation for brutality by massacring thousands in his campaigns across Bologna and Florence (4500 massacred in Cesena alone), and during that particularly unstable time in Papal history (the start of the Great Schism) the Cardinals decided it was time to take control by electing a man's man for a change. At 36, Robert became Pope.
Naturally, as soon as he became Pope, he developed a taste for scantily-clad pageboys. It comes with the job, it seems.
The Pervy Pope
Paul II (1464- 71)
Nicknamed "Godly Mary", Pietro Barbo was another gay Pope, though his real tastes were something really vile. He was possibly the biggest sadist to become Pope, and spent much of his spare time watching naked men being racked and whipped while failing to conceal a papal priapism beneath his frock. One might expect him to be some sort of ice-cold snake-eyed killer- something close to Christopher Walken in a big white hat. Instead, he was famous for being tearful, and the waterworks would come on at the slightest provocation. This earned him another nickname- "Our Lady of Pity". Paul II died of a heart attack while being energetically buggered by a pageboy.
The Parricidal Pope
Paul III (1534-1549).
As a younger man, Alessandro Farnese earned the nickname "Cardinal Petticoat" for giving his young sister to Pope Alexander VI to be deflowered. That was one of his nicer acts as far as his family was concerned, because when he got bored of waiting for his inheritance he poisoned his parents. He also killed one of his sisters, committed incest with his daughter and murdered his son-in-law. He also had an affair with his niece, but was caught with his papal pants down by her husband who give him a thrashing that left him scarred for life.
He stayed immensely wealthy due to imposing a monthly tax on Rome's 40,000 prostitutes (Rome's total population at the time was only 100,000). Despite all this, he's remembered rather fondly as the commissioner of Michelangelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. If you ever visit it, don't buy any hype about Paul III- he was an appalling man who persecuted Protestants with a zeal that went far beyond the call of duty. However, I bet even the most tortured Protestant could at least take some small comfort from the fact that they weren't related to him.
The Party-animal Plague Pope
Clement VI (1342- 1352)
At the time of Clement's reign the Papacy was based in Avignon. The reason for the move was that Rome was considered too sinful and debased to house the church- naturally the Avignon Popes did everything they could to ensure that their new base was just as mucky as the old place. Clement was certainly no exception.
One of the greatest spenthrifts to become Pope, Clement had a lifestyle closer to one of the more flamboyant Roman Emperors than the average Pope. Even the bits of his horses were solid gold. He used lavish banquets (which tended to end as orgies) to seduce assorted noblewomen, when he wasn't establishing new brothels to boost his funds. While the Pope romped with his many mistresses, most of his palace was taken up by the extensive torture facilities of the Inquisition and they were never short of work.
When the Black Death hit Avignon in 1348, it was viewed as divine judgement on Clement. He reacted by burning much of the city, but three-quarters of the population still died. There was widespread celebration when he died, and fifty priests said mass for his soul for nine successive days in an attempt to keep him out of hell.
The Pirate Pope
John XXIII 1410- 1415
Technically speaking, Baldassare Cossa was an Anti-pope- this explains why he's one of two Popes to bear the name John XXIII. Unlike many Popes he wasn't born into a particularly enriched family, but he certainly displayed an impressive entrepreneurial streak which left him very seriously rich indeed. It wasn't the sort of career path one might associate with the Papacy, however. He was a pirate.
Seeking a change of career, he started working as Papal treasurer to Boniface IX and Alexander V and became a lot richer thanks to his staggering propensity for corruption. Naturally he was soon made a Cardinal. Embezzlement alone wasn't enough to keep him entertained so he happily continued to build a reputation as one of the world's greatest libertines. His home was stuffed to the rafters with two hundred concubines and prostitutes. When he wasn't knobbing them, he was killing people- it's recorded that he executed so many people that the poulation of Bologna dwindled significantly during his tenure.
Despite his unorthodox lifestyle, his accession to the Papacy was almost boringly traditional. He poisoned the reigning Pope then surrounded the Papal conclave with his troops until he'd terrified the Cardinals into electing him (yawn). One intriguing technical footnote was that Cossa had to be ordained as a priest the day before he was consecrated as Pope- it was not necessary to have taken holy orders to be a Cardinal. That was a mere trifle compared to another fact about the new John XXIII, however. He was an atheist.
John XXIII was eventually forced from power in the Council of Constance, which unified the Papacy (there were actually three Popes simultaneously up until that point). In his abdication he confessed to murder, adultery, incest, heresy, atheism, simony and sodomy. None of these were deemed totally incompatible with a career in religion so after a brief imprisonment he was made Dean of the Sacred College- a position he held until his death in 1419.
That day has now come, though the great thing about the history of the Papacy is that finding grossing perversions among the Popes is like finding interesting discharges produced by the less expensive street hookers in Bangkok. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Of the ten Popes below, only one featured in my original article and there's still loads more great stories left unrevealed. The Roman Catholic church is the gift that just keps on giving, as far as I'm concerned. I invite you to sit back and spend a few minutes wading crotch-deep through the slurry of human endeavor with me. You're in good company with these God-botherers, I can assure you.
The Pimp Pope
Sixtus IV (1471- 1484)
Popes throughout the ages have always faced a pressing problem. namely "how the hell can I get the cash to pay for my lavish lifestyle and huge retinue of totty?". For a considerably large part of the history of Catholicism, the solution proved to be in prostitution and no Pope took it quite so far as Sixtus IV.
To fund his lifestyle and war against the Turks, Sixtus started building a huge brothel for both sexes in Rome. He also imposed annual taxation of Rome's prostitutes, and if there was one thing Rome was not lacking, it was prostitutes. Your average pilgrim was probably a bit backed up around the bollocks by the time he reached Rome, and the chance of a few quick fumbles followed by absolution was a combination few could resist. Rome was stuffed with whores of all types, so this was a big earner for Sixtus.
Sixtus was bisexual and incestuous- he had relationships with his nephews. He was also impressively liberal, and approved petitions permitting certain noble families to commit sodomy during the hot months of the year. He also built the Sistine Chapel, which gives him quite a groovy track record, though he totally blew it away by appointing Torquemada and starting the worst excesses of the Inquisition. The git.
The Pornographer Pope
Pius II (1458- 1464)
Amongst the company of this article, Pius II looks almost saintly, though he remains one of my favourites. Born in poverty, young Enea Piccolomini took jobs as secretary to a number of Cardinals, leading to employment as a roving ambassador. His memoirs reveal a lively time spent wooing young ladies in his spare moments- but it's a rather charming and romantic randiness rather than the rampant fornications of the average Pope.
He came to the attention of Pope Nicholas V due to his writing ability (at another time he was poet laureate to King Frederick III of Germany)- namely his noted skill at churning out pornographic stories. Nicholas V employed Enea as his secretary, with the duty of producing the Papal porn. With a blend of charm, flattery and self-promotion he rose effortlessly through the ranks to become Pope. I take this tale as proof that the next Pope will be Hugh Hefner.
The Paedophile Pope
Leo X (1513- 1521)
There have been quite a few gay Popes, but they usually kept this aspect of their lives under a degree of discretion. Not Giuliano de'Medici who was probably the most "out" Pope ever. Becoming a Cardinal at 13 (the youngest ever), Leo X went on to be elected Pope. At his election he had to be carried into the Conclave on a stretcher because his sodomy-related anal ulcers were too painful for him to walk or sit. One of his first acts was to make his lover a Cardinal.
This is all pretty blameless stuff, of course. However Leo did like boys who were disturbingly young, even by the standards of the time. One of his favourite party tricks at banquets was to serve up huge pies from which naked boys would emerge and be served up (culinary side-note: regrettably, the records do not reveal what sort of pie was considered suitable to contain rent boys. Being a British prole at heart, I'm hoping it was a pork pie, though the image of jailbait covered in pork jelly is one likely to give me nightmares, I can assure you).
It's also recorded that as nobody could be bothered to wash up after these banquets the (silver) plates and cutlery would simply be thrown in the river. Seeing as the typical main course was a nice plate of parrot's tongues, one can only gawp at the size of the catering bills they must have run up. It left the papal treasury bankrupt.
If all this wasn't impressive enough, Leo was also an atheist. He was a major factor in the works of Martin Luther and the rise of Protestantism, which should surprise nobody.
The Pre-pubescent Pope
Benedict IX (1032- 44, 1045, 1047- 48)
Yes, you're reading those dates correctly. Benedict was Pope three times- a record likely to remain unchallenged for the foreseeable future. At the time, Rome was controlled by the monstrous Tuscolani family- so it probably surprised nobody when Pope XIX died in suspicious circumstances and was replaced by the 12 year old Benedict IX.
There is a theory that the more spoiled and unrestrained a child is, the more depraved they will be as an adult. I suspect that the textbook definition of this theory reads "see Benedict IX" because he racked up one hell of a track record. Among his hobbies were bisexuality, bestiality, witchcraft and Satanism. In fact, if Marilyn Manson lived up to his own publicity and was elected the next Pope he'd still fall some distance short of Benedict. Dante, who was not squeamish about consigning Popes to his inferno, considered him to be the lowest ebb of the papacy.
Eventually he became so unpopular that he spent the last years of his reign in fear of his life, hence the three reigns. His second interregnum occurred because he sold the papacy to his godfather- a feat still unequalled in Papal history. The fact that he died of natural causes years after his final deposition surprises just about everyone seeing as he was possibly the most unpopular man in the entire world.
The Pint-sized Poisoner Pope
Gregory VII (1073- 1085)
Let me start by listing the positive points about Gregory VII.
Sorry. There aren't any. He was genuinely horrible. A bitter little midget, he ascended to the papacy through the simple and very effective method of poisoning absolutely everyone with a better shot at the title. These victims included six Bishops. When poisoning alone wasn't enough, he used his school of highly skilled forgers to come up with the necessary "ancient" documents to promote his cause.
If you want to know who to blame for the Catholic church's problems with its priest's sexual proclivities, Gregory is a better target than most. At his first Council in 1074 he deposed all married priests and attempted to impose celibacy (naturally, this did not prevent him fiddling with Countess Mathilda, whose husband gregory had murdered). Thousands of priest's wives were left abandoned and destitute- many committing suicide as a result.
Gregory's drive toward a celibate priesthood met with stiff resistance, even to the point of him being excommunicated by a group of Bishops. Eventually Gregory became so unpopular with the people of Rome that he was forced to flee for his life, supposedly dying of shame shortly after.
The Pike-wielding Pope
Clement VII (1378- 1394)
Antipope Clement VII was born Robert of Geneva, and was probably the hardest Pope ever. While most Popes were soft and pampered big girl's blouses, Robert was a former front-line soldier who was famed for his ability to decapitate a man with one blow of a pike. If you've ever seen the size of a pike you'll understand what a bruiser he must have been.
He earned one hell of a reputation for brutality by massacring thousands in his campaigns across Bologna and Florence (4500 massacred in Cesena alone), and during that particularly unstable time in Papal history (the start of the Great Schism) the Cardinals decided it was time to take control by electing a man's man for a change. At 36, Robert became Pope.
Naturally, as soon as he became Pope, he developed a taste for scantily-clad pageboys. It comes with the job, it seems.
The Pervy Pope
Paul II (1464- 71)
Nicknamed "Godly Mary", Pietro Barbo was another gay Pope, though his real tastes were something really vile. He was possibly the biggest sadist to become Pope, and spent much of his spare time watching naked men being racked and whipped while failing to conceal a papal priapism beneath his frock. One might expect him to be some sort of ice-cold snake-eyed killer- something close to Christopher Walken in a big white hat. Instead, he was famous for being tearful, and the waterworks would come on at the slightest provocation. This earned him another nickname- "Our Lady of Pity". Paul II died of a heart attack while being energetically buggered by a pageboy.
The Parricidal Pope
Paul III (1534-1549).
As a younger man, Alessandro Farnese earned the nickname "Cardinal Petticoat" for giving his young sister to Pope Alexander VI to be deflowered. That was one of his nicer acts as far as his family was concerned, because when he got bored of waiting for his inheritance he poisoned his parents. He also killed one of his sisters, committed incest with his daughter and murdered his son-in-law. He also had an affair with his niece, but was caught with his papal pants down by her husband who give him a thrashing that left him scarred for life.
He stayed immensely wealthy due to imposing a monthly tax on Rome's 40,000 prostitutes (Rome's total population at the time was only 100,000). Despite all this, he's remembered rather fondly as the commissioner of Michelangelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. If you ever visit it, don't buy any hype about Paul III- he was an appalling man who persecuted Protestants with a zeal that went far beyond the call of duty. However, I bet even the most tortured Protestant could at least take some small comfort from the fact that they weren't related to him.
The Party-animal Plague Pope
Clement VI (1342- 1352)
At the time of Clement's reign the Papacy was based in Avignon. The reason for the move was that Rome was considered too sinful and debased to house the church- naturally the Avignon Popes did everything they could to ensure that their new base was just as mucky as the old place. Clement was certainly no exception.
One of the greatest spenthrifts to become Pope, Clement had a lifestyle closer to one of the more flamboyant Roman Emperors than the average Pope. Even the bits of his horses were solid gold. He used lavish banquets (which tended to end as orgies) to seduce assorted noblewomen, when he wasn't establishing new brothels to boost his funds. While the Pope romped with his many mistresses, most of his palace was taken up by the extensive torture facilities of the Inquisition and they were never short of work.
When the Black Death hit Avignon in 1348, it was viewed as divine judgement on Clement. He reacted by burning much of the city, but three-quarters of the population still died. There was widespread celebration when he died, and fifty priests said mass for his soul for nine successive days in an attempt to keep him out of hell.
The Pirate Pope
John XXIII 1410- 1415
Technically speaking, Baldassare Cossa was an Anti-pope- this explains why he's one of two Popes to bear the name John XXIII. Unlike many Popes he wasn't born into a particularly enriched family, but he certainly displayed an impressive entrepreneurial streak which left him very seriously rich indeed. It wasn't the sort of career path one might associate with the Papacy, however. He was a pirate.
Seeking a change of career, he started working as Papal treasurer to Boniface IX and Alexander V and became a lot richer thanks to his staggering propensity for corruption. Naturally he was soon made a Cardinal. Embezzlement alone wasn't enough to keep him entertained so he happily continued to build a reputation as one of the world's greatest libertines. His home was stuffed to the rafters with two hundred concubines and prostitutes. When he wasn't knobbing them, he was killing people- it's recorded that he executed so many people that the poulation of Bologna dwindled significantly during his tenure.
Despite his unorthodox lifestyle, his accession to the Papacy was almost boringly traditional. He poisoned the reigning Pope then surrounded the Papal conclave with his troops until he'd terrified the Cardinals into electing him (yawn). One intriguing technical footnote was that Cossa had to be ordained as a priest the day before he was consecrated as Pope- it was not necessary to have taken holy orders to be a Cardinal. That was a mere trifle compared to another fact about the new John XXIII, however. He was an atheist.
John XXIII was eventually forced from power in the Council of Constance, which unified the Papacy (there were actually three Popes simultaneously up until that point). In his abdication he confessed to murder, adultery, incest, heresy, atheism, simony and sodomy. None of these were deemed totally incompatible with a career in religion so after a brief imprisonment he was made Dean of the Sacred College- a position he held until his death in 1419.
Brilliant as always.
