This will be a bit offensive to the French, and I don't particularly believe it, but it is very funny.
(THANK YOU MR. G!)
A General History of French Warfare
Sure don't want to go to war but if we leave them behind its probably better... Why George Bush doesn't really care if France supports the US or not....
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, a small group of Italians.
Hundred Years' War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years' War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded French the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the former English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." (Note that the French entered this conflict in order to oppose Britain more than to aid the colonists.)
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost, no contest.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Popular German joke: Why do the French line their roads with trees? To provide shade for invading German soldiers.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
(Balkans in the 1990's- When the French had an armored car stolen by Serbs from their peace keepers, and generally made such a mess that the Americans had to go and sort things out. This would be that Second Rule again.)
