Calm down, NATO will not attack Russia first, but it may push back invading Russian forces.
the russians always seem to think the point of nato is to attack them and it isnt, the nato alliance is defensive we wont attack russia unless they attack us first
You promise? Thank you, now I can sleep well

Obviously not. Finland didn't join in 1980 because they simply couldn't join in 1980. That part was stipulated in the deal Stalin cut with the western powers after WWII. Finland to stay neutral but with a "special" relationship with the USSR, which meant hands off for the NATO and anyone else, or the Soviet Union would move in on Finland. That was the cornerstone of the situation, which got its own name, "Finlandization". Finland was in the Soviet "sphere of influence" and an no-go zone for the NATO.
No amount of military preparedness would be sufficient for a small state against the Soviet Union in the 1980's. Nevertheless, Finland built as big an invasion defence they could already then, to deter the USSR if possible. The Winter War of 1939-40, when Finland was attacked by the Soviet Union and had to fight it all by its lonesome, is still defining the Finnish view of what it takes to safeguard national independence, and who is the biggest potential threat.
The Finns obviously differ from you in their assesment of present day Russia. They're the ones still with the intact full-scale invasion defence directed exclusively at it after all.
They didn't join NATO after 1991 as well, and we appreciate it. They want to have normal relations with us and they have it. Despite some problems, our relations are much better than with Poland.
They are much less than Poland, why they are not crying to West "Russia forces us to do something" and to East "We are not your sphere of influence anymore"? Be polite and you'll get the same attitude.