[RD] I'm transitioning. If you've ever been confused about the T in LGBT, ask me anything

[emzie]

So there's still some uncertainty?

How did you come to terms with the fact that you'll be chemically sterlizing yourself as you transition and will require significant medical attention awterwards for the rest of your life?

Complicated answer, so bear with me.

On a philosophical level, certainty is an odd thing. I know this: cogito, ergo sum. Beyond that, I would argue that one cannot be certain of anything else. Am I making the right choice? I think so, but the only way actually I'll discover if it's the right choice is if my belief is falsified. Basically, the only way to truly answer that uncertainty is to come to the conclusion I've made a mistake. It's like climbing a mountain that has never been climbed before. There's no established route, and I might find myself in a position where I can't continue and I can't go back. That's scary, yes. Before I started anything medical, I spent a year testing different approaches with a therapist, talking to other transfolk, learning as much as I could.

It's not as if when starting hormone treatment, you sign a contract stipulating you can't stop treatment if you decide you don't want to. You can turn back. Yes, if you turn back, you might not get back to the same exact place you started. Yes, I sterilized myself and beforehand knew that I could regret it -- and actually, I regret not sperm banking. How did I come to terms with that? By educating myself as much as I could to make an informed choice. At my core, I am a scientist: I had a hypothesis, I did my research, and so I tested my hypothesis in the safest way I could.

It's been 4 years, I haven't falsified my theory yet, and I really doubt I ever will. It sucks that I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life. If I had type I diabetes, I would have to deal with it for the rest of my life too. I think of it like that. I did not choose this. I chose to treat this the best way we currently know how.

 

[emzie]

Sometimes I write personal things on facebook to try and give friends and family better insight into my experiences. I wrote something today:

20/Dec

I had a doctor appointment today to write my final letter of support for bottom surgery. I have many feels about it, but know a post about trans stuff might be TMI to some, so like, don't read this if the details of being trans sound like they'd be icky.

I actually got my final letter more than a year ago. After the psychiatrist wrote it, he got increasingly inappropriate culminating with him stating I was, "in love with a man, and that man, is me." Yeah, that letter was withdrawn as soon as I reported his behaviour. Had I stayed with that doctor, I would be recovering from bottom surgery right now. It was not a hard decision. But living with it, and in limbo this past year, has been exceptionally hard. I'll live one year fewer of my life in a body reprieved of this:

For the letter today, I explained things and my doctor translated my euphemistic speech into into blunt medicalspeak. "It's really difficult for me to take showers." got transcribed to, "Patient is distressed by nudity and interacting with her genitals."

Put so bluntly, gosh, it sounded like it'd be a really difficult thing to live with. If I strip away the euphemisms though, what I really meant was: every time I pee, take a shower, or get dressed, I'm grieving. It's the same level as being reminded a parent died. It really is a difficult thing to live with. I've been given back the agency to choose for that to not be a forever feeling. It's a relief, though I worry someone else will take it away again: politicians will defund it, or a pre-surgery test result will indicate it too risky. Living while trans, y'all.

But living

 

[luiz]

Sometimes I write personal things on facebook to try and give friends and family better insight into my experiences. I wrote something today:

20/Dec

I had a doctor appointment today to write my final letter of support for bottom surgery. I have many feels about it, but know a post about trans stuff might be TMI to some, so like, don't read this if the details of being trans sound like they'd be icky.

I actually got my final letter more than a year ago. After the psychiatrist wrote it, he got increasingly inappropriate culminating with him stating I was, "in love with a man, and that man, is me." Yeah, that letter was withdrawn as soon as I reported his behaviour. Had I stayed with that doctor, I would be recovering from bottom surgery right now. It was not a hard decision. But living with it, and in limbo this past year, has been exceptionally hard. I'll live one year fewer of my life in a body reprieved of this:

For the letter today, I explained things and my doctor translated my euphemistic speech into into blunt medicalspeak. "It's really difficult for me to take showers." got transcribed to, "Patient is distressed by nudity and interacting with her genitals."

Put so bluntly, gosh, it sounded like it'd be a really difficult thing to live with. If I strip away the euphemisms though, what I really meant was: every time I pee, take a shower, or get dressed, I'm grieving. It's the same level as being reminded a parent died. It really is a difficult thing to live with. I've been given back the agency to choose for that to not be a forever feeling. It's a relief, though I worry someone else will take it away again: politicians will defund it, or a pre-surgery test result will indicate it too risky. Living while trans, y'all.

But living

Hope everything works out. Stay strong my friend!

 

[JohannaK]

This is great news. I'm sure you'll get through it no problem.

That doctor last year though, holy batman.

 

[dusters]

Sometimes I write personal things on facebook to try and give friends and family better insight into my experiences. I wrote something today:

20/Dec

I had a doctor appointment today to write my final letter of support for bottom surgery. I have many feels about it, but know a post about trans stuff might be TMI to some, so like, don't read this if the details of being trans sound like they'd be icky.

I actually got my final letter more than a year ago. After the psychiatrist wrote it, he got increasingly inappropriate culminating with him stating I was, "in love with a man, and that man, is me." Yeah, that letter was withdrawn as soon as I reported his behaviour. Had I stayed with that doctor, I would be recovering from bottom surgery right now. It was not a hard decision. But living with it, and in limbo this past year, has been exceptionally hard. I'll live one year fewer of my life in a body reprieved of this:

For the letter today, I explained things and my doctor translated my euphemistic speech into into blunt medicalspeak. "It's really difficult for me to take showers." got transcribed to, "Patient is distressed by nudity and interacting with her genitals."

Put so bluntly, gosh, it sounded like it'd be a really difficult thing to live with. If I strip away the euphemisms though, what I really meant was: every time I pee, take a shower, or get dressed, I'm grieving. It's the same level as being reminded a parent died. It really is a difficult thing to live with. I've been given back the agency to choose for that to not be a forever feeling. It's a relief, though I worry someone else will take it away again: politicians will defund it, or a pre-surgery test result will indicate it too risky. Living while trans, y'all.

But living

I got orchi this year and I'm still pondering about vaginoplasty. Yes, I share the sentiment that it would be handy to have less junk down there. But for me it costs about 10k euros.

There are so many things to do with 10 000 euros.

What about you? If you had to choose between full-op and 10 000 euros, what things would you get BEFORE arriving at conclusion that these 10k go to OP?

 

[JohannaK]

What is orchi?

 

[dusters]

What is orchi?

Orchi is short for orchiectomy, in other words, medical term for removal of testicles.

 

[emzie]

I got orchi this year and I'm still pondering about vaginoplasty. Yes, I share the sentiment that it would be handy to have less junk down there. But for me it costs about 10k euros.

There are so many things to do with 10 000 euros.

What about you? If you had to choose between full-op and 10 000 euros, what things would you get BEFORE arriving at conclusion that these 10k go to OP?

If bottom surgery weren't covered, and that was my budget, I'd go orchi, trachial shave, electrolysis on facial hair and possibly have my jawline slimmed if the budget allowed.

Those are things I deal with socially everyday, whereas my junk is mostly just a personal struggle.

This is great news. I'm sure you'll get through it no problem.

That doctor last year though, holy batman.

It's a hell of a story. He was a kook psychoanalyst who wanted a trans patient for a case study. Leading up to that line (which was more about transference not romantic love) he was getting really Freudian. I posted about it at the time somewhere else, I'll dig it up.

 

[dusters]

Thanks for the reply.

I have done orchi, I plan to use laser maybe for facial hair (another person I know told me that for her she has to apply laser epilator to face every 2-3 weeks for few new hairs, but otherwise a 250 dollar/euro epilator has done all), trachial shave and jawline seem very big and expensive.

Btw, do you identify as a woman? I'm asking this because some people who are bigender or non-binary still undergo transition.

 

[emzie]

Thanks for the reply.

I have done orchi, I plan to use laser maybe for facial hair (another person I know told me that for her she has to apply laser epilator to face every 2-3 weeks for few new hairs, but otherwise a 250 dollar/euro epilator has done all), trachial shave and jawline seem very big and expensive.

Btw, do you identify as a woman? I'm asking this because some people who are bigender or non-binary still undergo transition.

Last I asked around, trach shave was 3-4k if done during bottom surgery (already anesthetized so you don't pay that twice). I would take an insurance-covered trach shave + orchi over vaginoplasty if that were an option, and try and save up for the vaginoplasty later.

And female. Except on my driver's license, which has my full name (Emily C..... F...) but an M sex marker because someone forgot to switch that

I'd be open to considering a change to insurance-covered transition costs where instead of X is covered, Y is not, you have a budget to prioritize what's most critical to you.

 

[JohannaK]

Tracheal shave? I didnt know that kind of thing was even possible. Well, more than possible, I dodnt know thry did this kond of thing. But then if you dont research this stuff, you probably wont hear about it every day.

 

[dusters]

oh, another Emily. nice to hear that!

 

[emzie]

Tracheal shave? I didnt know that kind of thing was even possible. Well, more than possible, I dodnt know thry did this kond of thing. But then if you dont research this stuff, you probably wont hear about it every day.

On the simpler end, they just remove as much of the protruding cartilage as possible. Or you can go full bananas and have your trachea surgically modified to create a cis-female structure. That changes voice and everything.

oh, another Emily. nice to hear that!

https://twitter.com/emnesoi/status/1061843698504384512

 

[Synobun]

They can also do shavings on face bones and stuff like grafts or fillings. I think they call it facial feminization surgery? I saw it for the first time via Contrapoints (in regards to a before and after). Tough recovery and the changes are subtle, but there's a fairly clear shift from masculine to feminine afterwards.

 

[emzie]

They can also do shavings on face bones and stuff like grafts or fillings. I think they call it facial feminization surgery? I saw it for the first time via Contrapoints (in regards to a before and after). Tough recovery and the changes are subtle, but there's a fairly clear shift from masculine to feminine afterwards.

Yeah, or FFS. I doubt I'll ever do it, but would if it were magic and free.

 

[Cloud_Strife]

They can also do shavings on face bones and stuff like grafts or fillings. I think they call it facial feminization surgery? I saw it for the first time via Contrapoints (in regards to a before and after). Tough recovery and the changes are subtle, but there's a fairly clear shift from masculine to feminine afterwards.

I think ContraPoints is a great intro to transissues and perspectives, I'd just be wary on relying on her takes though, she's been a bit iffy about Non-Binary people which kinda sucks

 

[JohannaK]

They can also do shavings on face bones and stuff like grafts or fillings. I think they call it facial feminization surgery? I saw it for the first time via Contrapoints (in regards to a before and after). Tough recovery and the changes are subtle, but there's a fairly clear shift from masculine to feminine afterwards.

I heard about it from a documentary on South Korea's cosmetic surgery craze. Ciswomen do that to be more feminine and ideal.

 

[Arakhor]

If you have your testicles removed, why would you need your facial hair electrolysed? Isn't that where testosterone is produced?

 

[emzie]

If you have your testicles removed, why would you need your facial hair electrolysed? Isn't that where testosterone is produced?

Body hair changes in response to hormones, but facial hair is permanent. It gets a bit finer, that's about it.

 

[Arakhor]

So once your body starts producing facial hair, it never stops, even if the testosterone is no longer present? How infuriating.